“Nothing.” I shake my head trying to loosen her grip.
“Haley Renee Martin, who the hell made you cry?”
“Kyler,” I say trying to mask the pain saying his name caused me.
“Why on God’s earth would he do that?” she asks as I hang my head down in embarrassment, knowing I am going to have to explain the picture. I don’t want to paint Kyler as the bad guy. I know at the time I was pissed, but if the tables were reversed, I don’t know how I would feel. Maybe it would be me testing him. My whole body shakes as I try to ignore the thoughts of feeling guilty about running him off. I notice a blinking cell phone and reach down to retrieve it from my untidy covers. It’s Kyler’s. I wonder why he left without it. The picture is still on the screen. I hold the phone up to show Lucy what all the fuss is about.
She scrunches up her nose at the picture. “A girlfriend,” her answer is more of a statement than a question.
“Why does everyone expect me to be torn up or pissed?” I ask while waving my arms in the air.
“Cool your jets, Hale,” she says. “Oh, now I see what happened. Kyler showed you, expecting you to be upset, and you weren’t which is great if you ask me. But you probably blew up just like how you are now. Am I right?”
“Yeah,” I say knowing there aren’t words to defend myself in the moment. Kyler’s phone starts to buzz notifying an incoming message. We both look at it, but neither of us move. I don’t want to invade his privacy especially since I just passed the test then made an ass of myself in the process. But he is going to be my husband, and what if it’s important. I look at Lucy who shakes her head to the side as her shoulder rises giving me permission. I slide the phone with my finger to the side unlocking the screen. There is a new text message alert that is blocking out Jude and Emily’s photo behind it. I start to chew the inside of my cheek nervous as to what I am getting myself into. Kyler has never given me a reason not to trust him, but suddenly, I feel like I am a spy on a secret mission. Lucy nudges me on my thigh. “All right, I’ll read it.”
My thumb gently presses on the text alert, and the message opens. My heart feels like it is going to pound right out of my chest as my mouth reads the words on the screen, but my mind doesn’t comprehend them.
Hi this is Emily. There has been an emergency please come to the hospital a.s.a.p. HURRY! Jude is in the ambulance and they need a family member present.
I read the message aloud, numb to the pain I know is already forming in my heart. Lucy gasps as I finish reading. I don’t move, I don’t blink, unable to fathom my life minus Jude.
“Haley, snap out of it,” Lucy commands while throwing clothes at me.
My body is stuck in the same position. My eyes are fixated on a small purple thumbtack on the far side of the room. I never noticed it or gave much thought to it before, but right now, it is the only thing keeping me breathing. Images of it being made in a huge beige factory flood my mind as my brain tries to comprehend my reality. I feel two hands bracing my sides as Lucy shakes me and breaks my daydream.
“Get dressed and come on,” she says while taking off my pajamas, replacing them with an orange and pink sundress. She grabs my purse and my hand then rushes me out of the dorm. “Shit! We don’t have a car,” she says while looking around the parking lot. Her eyes fall on Ryan, and I recognize him from Drake’s Pub. He was there the day Kyler beat the crap out of Jude, standing there watching the drama unfold.
“Ryan!” She shouts waving her hands in the air to get his attention.
“What’s up?” He strides over to us.
“There is an emergency, and we need to borrow your car,” she says while trying to look as cute as possible during our crisis. He hesitates but then pulls his keys out from his pocket.
“Are you doing something illegal?” he inquires while dangling the keys in front of us, like a prize.
“No,” we both say in unison as Lucy grabs the keys, and we dash to the car. I wonder how she knows him, and why he would let two strangers borrow his car. I look at Lucy as we’re both opening the car doors. “This isn’t the time to talk old sex lives,” she gets in, slamming the door shut on that topic.
We swerve the red two-door car in and out of traffic until we make the ten-minute trip to the hospital where I work. Lucy pulls up to the front of the emergency room doors and drops me off. I don’t have my purse or phone to call Kyler. And I remember he left his phone at my dorm as I run up to the nurses’ station. There is no one there. I stop and look around finally able to take in my surroundings when I see people in white lab coats and navy scrubs running around frantically.
“What happened?” I ask myself while my mind tries to rationalize the scene around me.
“Haley!” I hear my name being called over all of the commotion. I turn to see Emily. Her hair is a mess, and she is wearing navy scrubs. Did she get called in for a shift? Then my eyes travel down her slender body as I notice she is covered in blood.
“Are you okay? Where is Jude? What happened? Is he alive?” I ramble off all of the questions that have been built up in my head since I read her text.
“I need a crash cart!” I hear a nurse on the other side of the room yell. I look around to see no one coming to her aid. Employees are everywhere dealing with their own patients, too preoccupied to hear her cry for help. Have you ever heard anyone say they felt like they had an out-of-body experience? That is exactly how I feel in this moment. As my legs start to walk over to the nurse, my body feels like it is moving in slow motion. My mind swiftly kicks into high gear as adrenaline consumes my thoughts. I grab the nearest crash cart and wheel it to her side as she continues to scream for assistance. Immediately I recognize her as Faith, an RN who works the night shift with me.
“Haley?” she asks while I push the cart over to her side. I don’t say anything to confirm my identity because there is no time to talk. She hands me two of the defibrillator pads as I move quickly to remove the patient’s shirt and place them how I remember seeing them from the diagram in one of my textbooks. Faith and I make eye contact, and she nods and steps away from the patient. I am holding two paddles in my hand. The patient is an older woman. I notice her face is scraped from the cheekbone to her scalp. All superficial wounds. Her life is in my hands; there is no time to second guess myself or be afraid. This is what I am trained to do. “Clear!” I yell as everyone steps away from the patient. “Charge to two-twenty,” Faith says to another nurse standing beside me. “Clear!” I say again as I lay the paddles against the woman’s lifeless bare chest. I faintly feel the jolt of energy as I hold the paddles as still as possible.
The patient starts to cough, alerting us her heart’s rhythm is steadying. We all take a quick breath of relief as we watch her vitals rise on the monitor. I step aside and allow Faith and the others resume care. As I am turning around, I hear her yell, “Thanks!” I don’t have time to think about how amazing it just felt to shock someone back to life because I have to find Jude. There are people everywhere. I stand turning in a circle looking for any sight of him as I start to realize how dire the situation is. Out of nowhere an EMT carrying a small child in his hands runs through the emergency room doors.
“We don’t have any more beds,” I hear someone say.
“Over there, put her in Radiology,” another voice yells above the rest. Utter chaos is surrounding me, and I’m standing in the midst of all of it. I see Emily walk into a triage room shutting the door behind her. My heart races as my legs guide me to the closed door. I open it to find Kyler bent down in the corner. He doesn’t look up as I walk in. Emily is hovering over a male body. As I approach the gurney, my worst fears come true; it is Jude’s body. Her hands are breathing for him, holding an oxygen mask tightly over his mouth. There is blood everywhere, and a nurse, whom I have only worked with a handful of times, and Dr. Stevens are standing over Jude’s open abdomen while an Orthopedic Specialist is examining Jude’s legs.
“Tell the tech I don’t care who is before him, I n
eed that machine in here stat!” I hear the specialist scream at the brunette nurse by his side. Emily waves me over.
“I think he wants you,” she says with tears rolling down her cheeks. Her hands pulsate on the mask he is wearing before she slides it over. Dr. Stevens and the nurse don’t notice. I bend down until we are so close that I can smell the odor coming from his mouth.
He is barely able to open his eyes. “Let go,” he whispers before they close again and his body goes limp.
The machines he is hooked up to start to beep in a fast, steady rhythm before making one final buzzing noise. I look up to see Dr. Stevens push the mute button on the screen.
“No!” I shriek while grabbing his body and holding it against my own, unaware that his blood is soaking through my dress. I feel two strong male hands brace my sides, pulling me away from Jude. “No. Stop. Jude! Why?” I shout while kicking and waving my arms in the air trying to break free from the body that is pulling me into the hallway. Once outside I fall to my knees. My sobs shake violently through me as I weep for the death of another person in my life. My heart aches as Kyler slides down the wall beside me. “He’s my best friend. He can’t be gone,” I say into the hard chest I once ran into, as Kyler keeps my face pressed against his cotton shirt. We sit on the hospital floor in our blood-stained clothes for what seems like eternity, mourning Jude.
Kyler and I ride side by side in his truck in complete silence for most of the ride home. We take turns driving the thousand mile journey back to Jersey. Knowing what I am about to do scares the living shit out of me, but it’s about time. We both knew the day would eventually come. We just didn’t think about how fast it would sneak up on us. I reflect back to Jude’s words, “Let go.”
I know he was referencing more to me than him in that moment. Letting go has become my own personal slogan. Every day I wake up thankful to be alive. I have faced the deaths of too many in my lifetime to carry the burdens I do. Jude was right, letting go was the key to my own happiness. Today is the final step to letting go, and it’s buried six feet under.
My phone buzzes in the console. Kyler leans down to pick it up, careful to keep his eyes on the road. We are all a little cautious these days. “It’s Emily babe. Tell her we are almost there.” I unlock the screen and slide the button to answer the call.
“Hey Em. Yeah, Kyler and I are almost there. Yeah, just wait outside of the cemetery, and we’ll all go in together. Love you too,” I say before disconnecting the line. My heart is heavy with grief, but knowing the ones I care about most in the world are here by my side eases my nervousness. We pull into the rod iron gates as I start to unknowingly bite the inside of my cheek. Kyler comes around and opens my door to embrace my body with his. He has become my final safe haven.
“There you two lovebirds are.” Emily walks towards us, instantly reminding me that those same words were spoken by Lucy not so long ago. We share a quick hug, and two of the most important people I know stand beside me, each holding one of my trembling hands.
We take a few steps forward as the bile begins to build in my stomach. I swallow a few times knowing it is just my nerves as my eyes focus on an angel sitting on my parents’ grave talking to them. I let go of Kyler and Emily’s hands before I take off running. It isn’t a far distance to that gravesite that Mom, Dad, and Mason all share, but it’s far enough to make me gasp for air when I reach Jude.
“Love you guys,” he says as I approach his wheelchair. My lungs contract as I breathe in as much air as possible.
“Were you talking about me again?” I ask while trying to control my erratic breathing.
“You think everything is always about you, don’t ya?”
“As a matter of fact,” I place both hands on my hips, “I do. After all, today is all about me.”
“No,” he pauses, “It’s about all of us.” Kyler and Emily finally make it to where we’re sitting. We exchange smiles as Emily bends to sit in Jude’s lap. He has gotten pretty good with his wheels in the past two years since the accident that almost took his life. He does a sharp three-sixty as Emily holds on laughing and tossing her head back.
I feel Kyler wrap his arms around me. “I love you Haley King,” he whispers in my ear.
“I love you, Mr. King,” I say as we both laugh.
“Only one more day until you are officially my bride.” He twirls a piece of my auburn hair around his ring finger. I look down at my sparkling diamond engagement ring, and I know I can make it through anything life throws my way as long as Kyler is at my side. The three of them give me a few minutes alone with my family. I bend down in the fresh grass feeling the wetness from the morning dew underneath my shaking palms.
“I know it’s been awhile Mom and Dad. I’m really sorry, but I just couldn’t face the reality that you’re gone. Dad, I was so upset. I hated you, and I never thought the day would come when I could say I forgive you, but I do. I know you were sick, and I’m sorry for spending the last five years blaming you. I know Mom and Mason forgive you too. I hope the three of you are in Heaven watching over me,” I brush a tear off of my cheek. “One more day and I’ll be marrying the man of my dreams Mom. God, how I wish you could meet him. He is everything you told me to look for in a man, smart, caring, and funny. He makes me laugh until I feel like I am about to pee my pants. Anyways,” I say while fiddling with a strand of grass, rolling it in between two fingers. “I just wanted to come say hi and tell each of you that I love and miss you every single day. Therapy has helped me tremendously since I finally allowed myself to face the reality that you’re all gone and never coming back. Dad, I wish it were you walking me down the aisle. But Jude has stepped up to the plate, and I know when he presents me to Kyler, he will be thinking about you too.”
I extend my palm and run it down the grooves of my father’s headstone, tracing the words Beloved Father with my index finger. I stand up and wipe off my hands on the back of my jeans. As I turn, I take one last look at my family’s grave, which shares three single headstones. “Mom, Dad, Mason…there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t love and miss you all. Please watch over us.” I stop to wipe the tears that are flowing down my cheeks as I extend my hand out towards their resting place taking one last breath before walking away and driving back to Alabama for my wedding rehearsal.
“Well, don’t my bridesmaids just look adorable?” I laugh while walking into the ladies room where Lucy and Emily are putting on their teal dresses.
“Real funny brat,” Lucy says while rubbing her swollen belly. She will be six months along this month and to say she is showing is an understatement. Her belly is so big that her dress had to be let out since it was bought months ago.
“Oh stop, you and baby Gavin are adorable,” I bend down putting my mouth close to her stomach. “Isn’t that right, Gavin? You love Auntie Hale already, don’t ya?”
“Do you want to be late for your own wedding Hale?” Emily asks while holding up my dress. She is right. I have thirty minutes until show time. I walk over to her as Lucy slowly starts to remove my white silk robe. Emily holds the bottom of my gown open as Lucy helps me put both feet through the top. They both slide it up over my hips in unison. Lucy zips the back as Emily straightens the front.
“Now you are adorable,” Lucy kisses my cheek then steps aside to give me a minute alone. She grabs Emily’s hand as they both exit the room. I stand in front of the mirror, closing my eyes envisioning my mother behind me zipping up my flowing dress. A smile crosses my face knowing how proud she would be to see the woman I have become.
I hear a faint knock on the door as I take the robe to hide my face and body. I’m not really traditional, but I know the Groom seeing the Bride is a bad omen, and I don’t need anything hanging over my head again. The door creaks open, “Hale?” I hear Jude’s voice.
“Come in,” I say while tossing the robe I was holding up in front of me to the side. He opens the door and rolls into the room in his permanent chair wearing a black tux and tie. “Are y
ou trying to look better than the Bride?” I pick up the sides of my dress and walk over to him. His smile lights up the room.
“You are stunning Hale,” he says while grabbing my hand. I twirl in a circle, letting him admire my beautiful gown.
“Thank you for walking me down the aisle Jude. It means more to me than you will ever know,” I say while holding my best friend’s hand.
“Thank you for believing in me and for taking me to rehab every day for the past two years. Your friendship means more to me than you will ever know,” he pauses, “I remember your face standing over me in the hospital. It’s the same face I see now. Don’t be scared Haley Renee Martin. Kyler has the key to your heart now. He will protect you and be strong when you’re weak. He loves you more than anything on this planet, and if he does hurt you, I’ll kill him,” he says with a wink.
I lean down to sit on his lap not caring if my dress wrinkles or not. “Jude, when I thought you died, my world came crumbling down around me. It was the same feeling I had when we pulled up to my house on your bike. Knowing your bike was the very thing that almost took your life repulses me. Seeing all those people in the emergency room, their soulless bodies everywhere as an aftermath to a motorcycle wreck, makes me sick. I don’t care if the doctors say you’ll never walk again. You will. And when you do, promise me you will never ride a bike again,” I say, pleading with him.
“Promise,” he grabs my pinky finger then shakes it. “Enough with the heart to heart, you don’t want my cousin to think I ran off with the Bride, do you?”
“Shut up and roll me down that aisle.”
The Wedding March plays, echoing off the walls in the chapel. That’s my signal. The double doors open highlighting the array of white, purple, and teal flowers that are hung everywhere. Ribbons and bows are hooked on each row beside our guests leading up to the stage that is decorated with multiple floral arrangements. It takes me a minute to take in the décor before I see all of our friends and family in the pews. Roy, Trent, Jace, Jackson, and Suzie are all sitting together. Kristy and all of my college friends, Dr. Stevens, and my co-workers from my floor at the hospital are seated together. Kyler’s friends from the physical therapy office and Murray, my horse-riding coach or so I call him, are there. My thoughts drift away as I peer out into the crowd of people to SaddyMcGee or Saddy I call her for short. Since Kyler and I moved back to King Stables to run the farm after graduation we hired someone to help us. Murray noticed me sitting, talking to the mare frequently. Finally, one day he asked if I wanted to ride her. Since then she has become a part of my life, filling a void in my heart as much as I know I filled in her heart. She isn’t the same callous horse who attacked Trent. She is now timid and just one of the girls. A smile sneaks over my face just thinking about how much of an impact Riley’s horse has made on my life. I can’t wait to get into the carriage that waits outside as she pulls my husband and I home.
The Upside of Letting Go Page 20
