by Kate Stewart
“My parents started me early. I went to the best schools, got the grades, had the friends, the life everybody wants. I really can’t complain. It all worked out the way it was supposed to, mostly, but when it didn’t that’s when the trouble started.”
Ian sat quietly perched on the rock and waited.
“I had my first panic attack when I was fourteen. I didn’t know what was happening. And it was for the dumbest reason.”
“Which was?”
“I couldn’t get a stain out of my skirt.”
Ian studied me briefly before his eyes drifted back to the sea. A spray of water pooled between us and covered our feet. I moved to stand in front of him. If he wanted to know my answers, I wanted his attention. He didn’t hesitate, his gaze landed squarely on mine. Even in the dimly starlit sky, I could see the storm in his eyes. If my story were only a mild distraction, I would give it to him. The odd part is that I wanted to tell him.
He spoke low erasing my doubts. “Tell me. I want to know.”
“The first time it happened, I blamed it on PMS, but they just kept coming. My mother was completely intolerant of my ‘weakness’. And I felt the expectation every day, her expectation. She set the bar so high, it began to choke me. It was both physical and mental, I just couldn’t get to her kind of normal. But, oh, how I faked it, or tried to. I held it inside even though every day I struggled. I’d watch my friends and their reactions to certain situations and I would do my best to imitate, and then I would find a bathroom or a place to hide and have my freak out. There was no end to it. I just worked through it, all day every day, but worked as in an act of labor, I exhausted myself. I passed out a lot. I hid a lot, I faked illness, so I could hide and it would buy me just a few blissful days alone and away from the world. When I missed so much school, to the point of my parents being summoned by the headmaster, my father suggested therapy. My mother grudgingly agreed after years of telling me it was all in my head.”
Soaked from my fall, I crossed my arms and gripped the tops of my shoulders as I shivered in the breeze, feeling heavy with my confession.
“My psychiatrist used to tell me to fold my fears into fourths. To mentally write down what I was afraid of and memorize and recognize it for what it was and then treat it like a piece of paper and fold it in half and then fourths and so on until it was so small I could put it in my pocket and forget about it.”
“Your pockets overflowed,” he said slowly as he picked up the hem of my skirt and rubbed it between his fingers.
I nodded. “I tried everything. I counted. I took the meds. I did the breathing exercises. All of it.”
“Nothing worked?”
“No, because despite my mother’s permission to let me get help, her expectations outweighed my progress. I couldn’t keep up. I couldn’t be the daughter she expected, and anxiety-ridden, so I scrambled, and I hid it the best I could. I pretended the medication helped, for her, for my father and eventually convinced myself that I was capable of handling it.”
I moved to sit next to him but he caged me between his legs. “Go on.”
“So… then…” Ian kept busy dusting the sand off the bottom of my dress. I felt the low burning fire stir up again with the accidental brush of his fingers along my thigh.
“So, I faked my way through high school and college, feigning progress up until the time I got my job.”
He dropped the dress and wiped the sand on his shorts. “What did you do?”
“Real estate. Biggest firm in New York. I was one of their best brokers.”
“That’s ludicrous. How did you manage that stress?”
“Sometimes I think I purposefully put myself into that mess to self-destruct.”
“Did you?”
“I don’t know. Probably. I was working so hard and to my own detriment, I didn’t stop for anything. My parents were so proud while inside I was screaming. My health got so bad. It was all. So. Bad. I started drinking heavily and went from having an attack every few weeks to daily. I spent years conditioning myself to stop listening to my body, and in a matter of days all my fears came to light and I mean all of them. Everything was gone, every single damn thing I’d worked for since I was in grade-school up to that point vanished.”
“What happened?”
“I was in the midst of setting up one of the biggest real estate deals in New York. I was showing a property to a slew of investors. It was a billion-dollar deal. My job was to sell a set of high-rise buildings that were going to be turned into high-value condos, posh, exclusive, that sort of thing. I worked on it for a year. The day before I was set to pitch I was doing a walk-through of one of the buildings and I got attacked by a squatter.” I shivered at the thought of that day. “He pulled a knife on me.”
“Jesus.”
“I barely made it out of there with my life and that’s no exaggeration. One of my associates walked in and that’s what saved me. But that incident opened up a whole different can of worms.”
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s just say, I’ve done more research on the hereafter than most theologists.”
“Fear of death?”
“Yes.”
Ian grabbed my hand and I let him hold it between his.
“A majority of my anxiety comes from lack of control. I have to have things a certain way, not so much OCD but to the point where I know what will happen in my every day. I’m not a fan of surprises. Routine is crucial to me, I’d never experienced anything like I did that day. And as you can imagine the realization about death, well let’s save that conversation for a rainy day or never.”
I was shaking as I remembered the man on the beach chair that morning. Ian read my thoughts.
“Today, you had a horrible attack.” It was a statement. “And you joked about it. That’s what you do with everyone else?”
Tears sprang to my eyes. “Yes.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“You couldn’t have. It’s not your place.”
“My job as much as it is yours, right?”
He turned my palm up and slowly brought it to his lips, kissing it softly. A small moan escaped me, and I wasn’t sure if he heard it.
“What happened? With the deal?” He rested my hand on his shoulder as if it was the most natural thing. I was itching to run my fingers through his hair. My breaths came out faster, his subtle seduction was wrecking my train of thought.
“What happened?”
“The next day I was expected to move on as if it never happened. Unsympathetic boss, the show must go on, that type of thing. Anyway, I blew it. As soon as I entered the building with the buyers, I had the mother of all attacks. I was fired because I’d potentially blown one of the biggest deals in real estate history, though we all knew the real reason why. I had my first public meltdown on what should have been one of the best days of my career, a huge milestone for me. With that deal put to bed, the possibilities were endless, my commission would have made me wealthy, I would have made a name for myself, yadda, yadda. But in the blink of an eye, it was gone.” Tears blurred my vision as he looked up to me and I smiled. “In a way, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t see it then when I was racing down snow-filled streets with a box full of my shit, having the worst day of my life. I didn’t see it hours later when I abandoned my apartment in New York, my friends, my boyfriend, my family and took a cab to the airport. And I didn’t see it in the weeks after as I stared at this ocean, or a month after that when Jasmine discovered me cowering in a bathroom of a Mexican restaurant after another attack. It’s now, now where I truly understand what a blessing it was to give up the charade. Instead of continuing to live a life I couldn’t live, I chose me.”
“You chose wisely.”
“I did. But you don’t understand, Ian. I wanted that life. I did, so badly, for myself, for my parents, but I couldn’t be that Koti and I never will be. There’s a difference between can’t and won’t. Can’t sucks
. And I was good at it. I was really good at it. I loved my job, that part of it was never a lie. I loved my apartment. I loved New York most of the time. This, living here, wasn’t supposed to be my life.”
“Koti,” he said softly, “no part of you reeks of a mogul. Not that I don’t think you were capable, but I just don’t see you as that type. And your parents must not know you at all.”
“My dad, he knew. He just let my mother do most of the parenting and I know it breaks his heart and my leaving New York broke the rest of it. He feels like he failed me, he thinks I’m punishing him, but I came here to save myself. I don’t ever want to go back. I don’t resent him. I’m not even that angry with my mother. All of it, everything that happened, even my brush with death was a means to an end. It was my one and only warning to rid myself of a life that was slowly killing me anyway. I obeyed. I yielded to that warning. And so, I’m here living someone else’s life, in someone else’s house staring at someone else’s ocean.” I sighed. “Anyway, it’s over, I’m here. I’ve made peace with it and I’m not wasting any more time pretending to be someone I can’t be.”
Ian’s body shook with an ironic laugh. “You really are a good muse.”
“Glad you seem to think so.” I sighed. “So, there’s my five-minute sob story. Surprised?”
“A little,” he said as he stared up at me from where he sat. We were close, very close to the point I was hovering above him. Even with that awareness, I didn’t move.
“So welcome to the island of misfit-humans. It’s pretty cool here. And, by the way, Ian, you aren’t broken.”
“No,” he agreed quickly. “I’m not. I’m just really, really fucking mad.”
“Whatever’s wrong now, will make sense later. I hope you believe that.”
“I don’t.” He stood then, forcing me to take a step back. Water sprayed our feet as we stood there getting lost in the other. Ian was the first to break the connection.
“Goodnight.”
“Wait, Ian—”
“Don’t invite me into your life, Koti, or your heart, or your bed because I’m a selfish man right now and I’ll take you up on it without a second thought. If you move a single inch closer to me, I’m going to fuck you. And as much as we both want that, we both don’t need it. I will use you and it’s not because I don’t think you’re beautiful, or intelligent or worth more. It’s because right now, I’m incapable of being anything other than the man that uses you. And because I do think you are worthy of better, I’m not going to let it happen. So, goodnight.”
I stood stunned as he walked away. I expected him to head back to the house, instead, he walked down the beach.
I WAS SO CLOSE TO tasting her, but I knew I’d be forced to spit that taste out. And that was the part that made me walk away. I had restraint. I could give myself credit for that, but not much. I’d been so close to taking her into my bed and losing myself, that I practically had to run from her.
An entanglement couldn’t happen. As beautiful as she was, as much as I loved the sound of her voice and the sight of her smile, my heart was completely out of the equation. I didn’t think it had even made an appearance in the time I’d been on the island. Friendship… I was fine with that. And the wine hadn’t helped the fact that I was dangerously attracted to her. My cock grew rock hard at the sight of her frolicking in the water. She was pure temptation, an itch I was growing desperate to scratch and unknowingly receptive to me. Tonight, I made her aware of it and I could see the same need in her eyes. We were in hazardous territory and in no way was there any outcome other than hurting her.
Beautiful, smart, intoxicating, and exhausting. Koti came with a string of issues I had no intention of helping with.
Selfish.
That was the point of my new crusade. I’d played my part for two other women and had no intention of auditioning for the role of lead in anyone else’s life.
It was finally time for me to check off a few things on my own list.
Koti was right in the sense that the time was now. I had no obligation to anyone other than Ella. I needed to get back to my daughter, but I still felt the irrational burn every time I thought of her mother. I wasn’t ready. And I wasn’t sure when I would be but touching Koti would be a mistake.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I cursed when I saw Tara’s name. Thankfully, the wine hadn’t worn off yet.
“Yeah.”
“Ian?”
“Is my daughter okay?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“Again, is Ella all right?”
“She’s fine.”
“Then we have no reason to be speaking.”
“I feel terrible.”
“Fuck you.”
“Please don’t say that to me.” She was crying, and I couldn’t muster a single ounce of pity.
“What do you want, Tara? Forgiveness would be laughable.”
She sniffed, and I had the urge to snap my phone in half. “A chance to explain.”
“Explain? Here’s an explanation. When I was deployed, you fucked your ex-boyfriend and you had a fight or better yet, let me guess, he dumped you. So instead of telling him he’s a father knowing he would be a dead-beat dad, you decided to tell your devoted soldier you were pregnant two days before he was set to re-enlist because he would do the honorable thing. Did I miss anything?”
“It was a mistake, one I regret every day.”
“A mistake that you decided to let me pay for. And now that we’re clearing the air, maybe it’s time I told you something.”
“Whatever it is,” she said her voice hoarse, “I deserve it.”
“I never loved you. Not the way I should have. After a few years, your charms wore off and I realized then I was stuck in a marriage I didn’t want. In fact, I grew to despise you as the years passed. You were annoying and needy and didn’t have a selfless bone in your body. You weren’t the kind of woman I could respect, let alone truly and deeply love. I spent years suffering at your hand because of my love for a daughter that wasn’t mine. But here’s the thing, you conniving bitch, you can’t change her love for me. You can’t twist it or turn it or direct it toward Daniel, no matter what you do. If you want to tell Ella, be my guest; but if you do, you’ll get exactly what you deserve, her hatred. And she won’t love Daniel more. He has to earn her love and affection the way I had to for the whole of her life. I dare you to try to piss away at the years I’ve built being a father, but let me repeat myself so we’re clear. You will never, ever ruin what’s between us. Ella and I are what true love is supposed to be. She and I were the best thing to come out of our marriage and it had nothing to do with you.”
I was being vile, but it was the truth for the most part that she hadn’t been kind enough to spare me.
“You never loved me?”
“No.”
I ended the call and walked the beach until sunrise.
“Disco,” I called out, rousing from sleep. I stood and stretched stepping into a fresh puddle of her piss. “Get over here, you little rat, it’s time for our jog. Disco!”
I heard a muffled squeal of delight and made my way to my porch. Staring out of the screen, I finally spotted my dog and her kidnapper. Koti was running the beach with the tiny beast in tow, her timid bark sounding rapidly as she chased at Koti’s heels.
Disco’s ears flew back as she tried to keep up with her captor’s sporadic movements. She dodged the puppy left and right as the storm winds blew in and thunder sounded in the distance. The only rays of sun left shone through the clouds on our beach and lit them both up as they pranced around on the sand. Koti’s smile and delighted laughter took my breath away.
She had on a pair of barely-there shorts that showcased the insane length of her toned legs. A thin top covered her gorgeous tits and tight stomach. The woman was radiant, so fucking beautiful, that it hurt to look at her. I couldn’t imagine the life she explained to me where she wasn’t in control. She seemed so at ease in both life, and in h
er skin, but apparently, that had taken her back-breaking, life-changing effort and I admired her for it.
She was the best possible muse and completely unaware of it which only made her more alluring. She’d always been a gentle soul, even when she was a little girl her strength remained hidden. I couldn’t help my chuckle when Disco lost her footing and toppled over, ending up as a rolling ball of fur before popping up again. Koti’s smile radiated in the space between us as I tried to catch my breath from the sight of her.
This. This is what happiness looks like.
I remembered her words from the night before. “It’s already yours.”
I was so far from the place she spoke of, but just for a moment, I hoped I would be able to navigate my way there. I knew that hope was dangerous. I wished for the same thing after gaining my freedom from Tara and so far, had been nothing but disappointed. I knew I had to give myself time to adjust from being a family man. I just didn’t realize in leaving my wife, I might have lost my entire family.
Koti plucked Disco up from the sand and held her over her head before bringing her in for a kiss. The puppy lapped up every bit of her attention as I let my eyes feast. She was stunning. Silver eyes, full lips, and that killer body all taunted me from where she stood. I couldn’t tear my eyes away.
Not only was she temptation. Not acting on the need to touch her last night was agony and she’d been so incredibly responsive.
Beautiful, stubborn, and full of quiet strength. I knew that about her even when we were kids. Back then she’d been nothing more than a distraction to pass the time with while I waited to get back to the States.
My parents had forced my hand the way they had hers to keep us occupied together and out of their hair for the summer. But even then, with our age gap and her temperament and squeaky voice, I liked her. She made the time on the island bearable. She softened me with her vulnerability. I could never forget the first time I saw her cry.
