by Kate Stewart
“It hurt so much when you left. I couldn’t handle it without you. It was like everything I loved about being there evaporated without you to share it with. I didn’t know it, but I think I was waiting for you before you came, and when you left, I could never love that place the same. I missed you so much, I felt like I was dying every day you stayed gone.” He exhaled, closing his eyes before he kissed my tears away.
“I was a shitty boyfriend, but I’ll be a better husband.”
“I would have waited forever if you had asked me to.”
He bit his lip and nodded. “I know.”
“Why didn’t you ask me, Ian? I hate you for it. You know muses don’t just fall from the sky every day.” It was my shitty attempt at humor, but I couldn’t even manage a smile. “Domkop.” I deadpanned.
He chuckled. “I’m swimming in regret. Please, Koti, please take me back.”
“What about Ella?”
“She’s fine. She’s good, she sent me to you. The one thing that held me down set me free to love you because she loves you too. We both want you back.”
“I’m so pissed at you.”
“I’ll fix this so you never have a reason to doubt me again. Say yes.”
“To what?”
“To all of it, to everything. Be my life. Marry me and if you say yes, I promise the only thing I’ll ever be selfish about again is you. Say yes and let’s go back to our beach.”
Three points to make a good argument, Koti.
Number one, you love him. Number two, you love him. Number three, you love him.
I didn’t want to fight anymore.
“Yes.”
“Again,” he whispered hoarsely, his gray eyes pleading with mine.
“Yes, to all of it. I love you, Ian.”
He let out a sigh as he gently took my lips, his slow kiss melting the space between us. “Let’s go home.”
“We don’t have a home.”
“Then we’ll do what we do best, and this time together.”
“What’s that?”
“Start over.”
Eight months later…
JASMINE CLASPED A GOLD BRACELET on my arm and stood back, tossing a piece of wavy hair off of my shoulder.
“You look so beautiful.”
“Don’t make me cry.”
“I’m not trying to. Today looks good on you. I’d be jealous if I didn’t have a hot ass man waiting on me.”
“I wish he could have been here,” I said, turning to look at my reflection. Most of my residual nerves of the day had faded as I took a sip of champagne. The last week had been kind and I was thankful. It had been weeks since I’d had an attack and for the most part, my body had been cooperating despite the stress of the past month.
But on the other side of my fear was a freedom I could never have imagined. In trusting Ian with my worries, in having him to lean on with my daily stresses, I found it much more bearable to deal instead of internalizing everything. It was incredible to me, the feeling of someone knowing me so intimately, he often knew just what to do, what to say so I didn’t feel alone with my fears. I had a partner for the first time in my life. He never dismissed my anxiety or placated it either when I needed to work it out. Simply put, he was just there in any capacity I needed him.
“Maybe I’ll get here someday,” Jasmine said, fidgeting with one of Banion’s beautiful bouquets.
“Oh,” I said with a knowing grin. “I have zero doubts you will.”
“I’d look ridiculous as a bride.”
“Please,” I said giving her an eye roll. “You’re still fresh, I think Banion started to cry a little when I told him you weren’t single.”
“I am single.”
I gave her a pointed look. “You are so not single.”
“I’m undecided.”
“And you’re loving it,” I said, kissing her cheek. “And I’m so proud of you.”
Her eyes glistened. “If you want to run away, now is the time. I know a sucker with a getaway plane.”
“I’m good.”
“God, I know you are. But he’s still lucky I didn’t rip his balls off.”
“I am too, I have plans for those balls.”
My dad cleared his throat as Jasmine and I made bulging eyes at each other and I coughed out a laugh. “Sorry, Dad.”
He gave me a soft look. “She’s here.”
I frowned in confusion before realization struck. “How?”
“Ian called her last night.”
My mother and I hadn’t spoken since I left New York with Ian. I knew deep down her real disappointment was that she finally had me back in her life and on her path. Her vocally expressed distaste for our new plans as I packed my things had led to a nasty fight. Ian had held his tongue until she insulted our relationship and he, in turn, had blown up by calling her an eleventh-hour mother. My dad hadn’t faulted either of us for her upset when we left New York to pick up the literal pieces of our life in St. Thomas. Even as I wrestled with the fact that my mother and I would never see eye to eye, my heart made a decision that that day was as good as any to give our relationship another chance. It was, after all, a day of new beginnings.
I looked to Jasmine whose eyes shimmered with happy tears. “I knew she would come.”
“Let’s do this.” I couldn’t get to him fast enough.
Jasmine gripped my hand and squeezed before handing me my bouquet. “Let’s get you married.”
“Ready, Daddy?”
He nodded. “She loves you. Please try, if you can, to forgive her.”
I hugged him close. “I already did.”
My father put my hand in his as we made our way off my freshly painted back porch toward my finish line. Brilliant colors glittered the sky as the sun began to sink beneath the sparkling ocean’s surface. Jars full of votive candles were scattered in the sand around the small arch lighting up our beach. Ian stood in wait for me looking gorgeous in a simple white button-down and slacks. Flowers of every color were strewn where I stepped as I was escorted toward my waiting groom. I smiled at Ian’s family, Rowan, William, and his brother Adam as they stood in wait with matching smiles. Rowan’s eyes overflowed the minute she caught sight of me. After sharing a tearful smile, I turned my attention back to Ian who mouthed “you’re beautiful.” Halfway down the aisle, Ella stepped away from her place beside her father and moved toward me stopping just a few feet away.
“Hi,” she said simply in greeting.
“H h-hi,” I whispered back with a nervous laugh.
“I love you, Koti,” she said in the most sincere and perfect voice imaginable.
Instant tears sprang to my eyes. “I love you, too.”
Seconds later, a change in music filled the air and Ella looked back to her father who did a short three finger countdown for her before she turned and began to sign the words of the song to me. It was a gift from Ian who stood behind her with a clear view as I tried to hold in my threatening sobs. Ella threw her heart into her every movement as she signed Calum Scott’s “The Reason”. Happy tears trailed down her sun-kissed cheeks as she told me of her father’s love for me and pressed her hands against her heart swaying back and forth to the music she couldn’t hear, but to words she could feel. Piano keys struck every chord in my heart as I looked past Ella to Ian who began to sign with her on the second verse. An ache of the purest kind poured from my heart as I watched my future happiness tell me of a love so incredible it was limitless, endless and ours. I crumbled in my father’s hold as he looked on at me with shimmering eyes and faith-filled assurance. They swayed together as my heart overflowed with love for them both. Ella stood back next to her father as Ian signed the rest of the lyrics. When the last of the notes had played, I resumed my walk toward my forever.
My mother was weeping freely as she stood and searched my eyes for forgiveness before her and my father agreed to give me away. I eagerly hugged her as she held me tightly in her arms and pulled back to tell me I was a beautiful brid
e. We shared a smile before Jasmine stepped in to take my bouquet while wiping the tears from her eyes.
Breathless and overwhelmed I turned to face my groom, my heart alight with love and acceptance I could never have dreamed up. Ian and I stared at each other, filled with unconditional love as we promised our lives to one another, our hearts united in our place of peace, where we began the dream that had become our reality.
Later at the reception under our star-sprinkled sky, Ian pulled me onto the porch full of guests and we slow danced to Cyndi Lauper’s “Time after Time”.
“You made me choose the song,” he whispered, “I think it’s fitting.”
“So fitting,” I whispered. “I can’t believe we just got married, crocky.”
“I can’t believe you wore those damned gold sandals,” he said, pulling me closer and rubbing his nose against mine.
“Of course you can. You sure you’re up for this? You ready to be a Home Depot dad again?”
“I’m up for whatever happens. I can’t believe you’re mine.”
“I can’t believe you’re building us a house.” We both turned to the framed skeleton sitting where our sand alley used to lay. The only thing finished was the expansive deck and that had only happened days ago as a request from a bride to a groom for her wedding day. The width of the house took up both lots that our houses used to dwell on. Ian planned to repurpose some of the wood from the old houses to add character. I think a part of him was just as sentimental that a cherished part of our childhood was gone, and it was his way of incorporating our past into our future. It had taken us close to a month to get back to the island and far longer to handle the desolation that surrounded us. The day we arrived in St. Thomas, Ian proposed to me in front of our wrecked houses amongst the scattered remains all over our beach. He wanted to turn one of our most miserable days into the happiest, and he managed it on bended knee with the question of forever and future promises pouring from his beautiful lips. We spent our days helping with the cleanup and our nights catching up. Our love paved the way through the endless wreckage that once was our paradise. We lived off love in the worst of conditions and nearly a year later, we were beginning to see some semblance of our dream. The day we broke ground on our new house, I started to plan our wedding.
I danced with my husband as Cyndi sang our love’s lullaby thinking about the past year and the ones ahead of us.
“This is everything I had hoped,” I said, feeling tearful. “Gah, I’m so emotional lately.”
Ian’s smile deepened. “You think maybe that’s a good sign?”
“No,” I said with a sigh. “Dr. Z said it will probably take a while with being on birth control so long and then there are my asshole ovaries.”
“Have faith, beauty,” he said. “We have time, plenty of time.”
“I know, I’m not worried about it. I just gained a teenager.”
“She’s just agreed to stay for the summer, and she keeps eyeing that kid who lives a few streets over,” he shook his head, “let the good times roll. Remember new wife of mine, no boys, those are the rules.”
“I have equal say now and you just made it so. I think it’s time for her to date.”
Ian winced as if I’d punched him. “Are you kidding me? No way.”
“She’s plenty old enough and she’s probably going to start with or without your consent. So, you might as well give her a little freedom.”
“Are you purposefully trying to give me a fucking heart attack on our wedding night?”
“Don’t die just yet. I need your sperm.”
He scoffed. “How romantic.”
“And I’m horny. We should go fuck while everyone is dancing.”
Ian’s eyes bulged. “Do you hear yourself right now?”
“What? Like your mouth isn’t ten times worse. Besides, it’s the hormones,” I whispered. “We can make all the sweet wedding night love later. Now come see to my needs, Pleasure Prince.”
I yanked at his hand as he laughed loudly behind me. “Oh, my God, woman, I love you so damned much.”
Behind his back, I signaled Ella the okay as she pulled her island crush toward the dance floor and mouthed. “Thank you.”
Giving her the thumbs up, I smiled inwardly as Ian stomped enthusiastically through the sand toward our half a house. Minutes later, my back against the wood frame, my dress was around my waist, Ian drove into me as I bit into his shoulder to stifle my moans.
“I could do this forever with you,” he whispered as he cradled me in his palms, holding me tightly to him.
“That’s kind of the point of the day,” I whispered against his neck, “we get to do this forever.”
He pulled back to gaze down at me, slowing his pace as he thrust in, the feel of him too much and not enough. There was nothing funny about the look in his eyes.
He stopped his movements and leaned down kissing me so tenderly, tears surfaced.
“My beautiful wife,” he dipped in. “I never thought I would be this happy.”
“Ian.”
“I love you so much, baby,” he said making me ache and filling it all at once. “So much.”
Connected on every level, he gently pushed in again filling me over and over as I clung to him, our labored breaths mingling as we sank into a slow rhythm until I came apart, my body shuddering as he kissed me again and again, his tongue tasting, taking, savoring as he slid it gently against mine.
His body tensed as I leaned in and whispered, “I love you.” He let go then, his frame shaking as he let out a long breath. He pulled back as we stared at each other in wonder, neither of us taking a single second for granted. It was a testament to what we had to look forward to, a collection of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months that would turn into years of the same love we both thrived on. His excitement matched mine as we shared our happiness with a smile and then sealed it with a kiss underneath the stars we unveiled for the other.
Eleven months later…
Ella smiled between us sensing our shared secret before her eyes lingered on her father who gave her a reassuring nod.
She lifted her hands. What’s the news?
Ian grabbed my hand and we beamed at each other before we both turned to Ella. “We’re pregnant.”
Ella’s smile disappeared, her face twisting in agony as she lifted her hands to sign.
Excuse me.
She shot up from the table unaware her water glass had spilled. I managed to catch it before it hit the floor and shattered and looked up to see Ian try to stop her with a hand on her arm while she tried her best to pull away. When she finally managed to get free, she began frantically signing.
“No,” he spoke and signed in unison, “You’re signing too fast. Slow down or speak.”
Her face twisted as her broken voice sounded out breaking both our hearts. “Congrats, Ian, you finally get a child of your own.”
“What?” Ian paled as I sucked in a breath.
Tears flooding her eyes, Ella leveled us both with her next words. “I know you’re not my father.”
Ian flinched as Ella faced him head-on.
“I’m deaf, not stupid, remember? You’ve been telling me that my whole life. Hey, Ian—”
“Stop calling me that!” He was smashing his hands together as he signed, pain twisting his features.
“Fine, Dad, how could you think I wouldn’t know? Haven’t you ever seen a picture of Daniel?”
Ian closed his eyes and I could feel the shatter in his chest from a foot away.
“I look just like him!” She was screaming, her voice faltering in heartbreak as she continued. “I have his face, his eyes! I’m not an idiot. All those months ago when you were sad, when you first came to St. Thomas, I saw you crying when you thought I wasn’t watching. The minute I met Daniel, I knew why.”
Ian slowly lifted his hands. You knew this whole time?
Ella slowly nodded. “So, it’s true?”
Ian’s tears were instant, the hurt on his
face etched in every line. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
Ella sobbed in our kitchen, her words coming out in an angry burst. “I hate her!”
Ian signed slowly. “You told her you know?”
“No, she was too busy kissing his dick until he broke up with her.”
“Language!”
“It doesn’t matter, I don’t care about her or him. And now I’m losing you because you will have this new family without me. I know you got what you want now. A baby of your own.”
“That’s not why Koti got pregnant, not for that reason.”
“You’re too old.”
“Now who’s the asshole? And I’m not too old, I’m still in my thirties until tomorrow.”
“Then why?”
“Because I love her, and I’m meant to be a dad.”
“You got your wish.” Her heart was breaking, and I could feel the pain radiating off him. Ella shook with emotion as her father cut the air with his hand furiously until she raised her eyes to his.
“You. Are. Mine,” he whispered fiercely, as he signed slow and with the same emphasis.
“But I’m not. I’m not your daughter, I’m his.”
I coughed back a sob standing on the sidelines, helpless and wanting to comfort them both.
“You are mine and you know it. Neither of us can help what your mother did, but we can move past it because of the truth, nothing will ever come between us. I love you as much now as I did the minute I found out you were coming. It was the happiest moment of my life.”
Ella broke before us, watching his hands as Ian fought with emotion, on the verge of losing his own battle. He cut the air, again and again, stomping his foot so she could feel the vibration as Ella’s shoulders fell forward in defeat. He moved swiftly toward her but remained inches away so she had no choice but to watch his plea. She lifted shimmering eyes to meet his before she followed his hands.
“I’m so proud of you. You are mine. Your sarcasm, that’s mine, your need to fix things, that’s me, your independence, me, your mean right hook, your love for superhero movies, that all comes from me. All of those things and much more. You are a reflection of me. And you will never be replaced.”
