by Ivy Smoak
"I almost forgot!" I yelled. "We're gonna be on the news, Noah!" Usually I listened to Christmas music while I trimmed the tree. Or if there was an especially exciting Hallmark Christmas movie, I'd turn that on. But watching the story about Noah and me unfold on the nightly news would be a perfect backdrop to decorating for Christmas this year.
I grabbed the remote and turned to ABC. The news was just starting. We were close enough to Philly that the news usually pertained to things in the city. But every now and then someone in little old Wilmington did something naughty enough to be on channel 6. Right now they were just talking about a Toys for Tots donation. Great cause, but nothing to do with me. I lowered the volume and started dancing around again to the Christmas carols in my head.
Detective Torres said the vultures were swarming. I glanced at the screen again but there was no word of Noah’s disappearance. I knew it was only a possibility that we'd be on. But I was still smiling for some reason. How many times had I sat on the couch eating dinner alone watching the news about my murderous neighbors? I'd been a little obsessed.
I lifted up a stuffed panda bear with a Santa hat that I'd had since I was a kid. I’d held on to it for all these years, hoping to give it to my kid one day. Detective Torres said that Adeline had lost a child. And I couldn't help but wonder if she'd lost it in a similar way to me. She had killed her husband, after all.
The little hairs on the back of my neck rose and I turned around. But no one was there. "Noah?"
Snuggle Muffins barked.
"Stop it," I whispered. I just wasn’t sure if I was scolding Snuggle Muffins or begging Noah to stop creeping around.
Stop it. Maybe I was just saying it to myself. I was done thinking about the past. As soon as I got my money back from Noah I could move on. I could at least move. No more thinking about failed relationships or kids. All this time waiting for answers? Wasted. I knew what Noah had done. At least, I knew enough to be sure that I wanted no part in his life.
I lifted my chef's knife and sliced the Santa hat off the panda bear. The stuffing poured out of the top of his head. For just a second I saw the blood again. Pouring out of his missing scalp. Dripping down into his button eyes. I blinked and the blood was gone. It was just stuffing overflowing from the top of his head.
I didn't need to hold on to stupid stuffed animals anymore. There would be no children in my future to hand them down to. Besides, Snuggle Muffins needed a proper Christmas outfit. I pulled the rest of the stuffing out of the hat and plopped it onto Snuggle Muffins' head.
I swear he frowned at me.
"You look adorable."
He sighed.
"I need a picture of this." I reached into my back pocket, but my cell phone wasn't there. Where had I last put it? I wandered into the kitchen. The smell of brownies was everywhere. But my phone was not. I glanced down the empty hallway. I could have dropped it anywhere while I was searching for Noah. Shit. When was the last time I had it? I debated tracing my steps, but quickly decided it wasn't worth it. There'd be plenty of time to do that once Noah was securely tied up again.
I heard a noise behind me and twirled around.
Nothing.
"Noah?" I waited a beat, but of course no response came. "Noah, come out right this second and help me with the Christmas decorations or I'll...punish you!" For some reason I started laughing. Threatening to punish him wasn't exactly the best idea. I'd been punishing him for days. "Just kidding!" I yelled. "If you come out I'll have sex with you!" I slapped my hand over my mouth. Where the hell had that come from?
But instead of correcting my words, I let them hang in the silence. Noah had made it pretty clear that he at least wanted a kiss. Maybe offering the whole package would lure him out. The whole package? Gross, who refers to themselves like that? Besides, I wasn't just any package. I was one with that expensive gold shiny paper and a beautiful red ribbon. Seriously what am I talking about? I shook my head as I made my way back into the family room.
"Snuggle Muffins, I think I'm high."
He looked up at me. He was still sitting where I left him, the Santa hat sitting askew on his head. I was so upset that I couldn't get a picture of his adorableness.
He sighed.
"I was just kidding about the sex," I whispered. "Obviously. Sleeping with Noah is the last thing on my mind." I ignored the image of his ripped abs as I unwound some of the Christmas garland. "You know I have bigger and better plans than Noah's down under." I started decorating the family room, draping the garland along the TV stand. "Is there a Canadian term for down under? That's probably what he'd prefer. Am I right? Eh?" Stupid Sophia Tremblay and her lies. I knew my husband was sleeping with her.
Snuggle Muffins sat down and his hat fell off.
I started placing my Christmas themed candles around the room. "Yeah, I don't think there is a fun Canadian saying for that either. Not that I'd know. If I knew, maybe Noah would still love me." My hands paused on the candles I was setting on the mantle. Maybe I'd still love him too.
"My head hurts." I turned around. "Does your head hurt?"
Snuggle Muffins sighed.
"Oh my God, are you high? Wait, am I high? Did we figure that out yet? You definitely look high, Snuggle Muffins. Your face is all scrunched up." I tilted my head to the side. Or was his face always like that? Had I never noticed his face before? It was rather adorable.
I heard my name being called.
"Noah?" I glanced into the kitchen.
Then his name was being called.
Snuggle Muffins barked.
My head was acting strange. I must have imagined it. But I could have sworn...
My name was being said out loud again. It wasn't Noah's voice though. I turned around. There was a picture of me staring back at me on the screen. No. Fucking. Way. I grabbed the remote and turned up the volume.
"Noah! We're on! We're on TV! Hurry!"
I watched our names flash across the screen as the news anchor started talking about Noah's disappearance.
"If you have any news about his whereabouts, please contact the number below."
I'm pretty sure I tuned out the rest because I was seriously in shock.
Snuggle Muffins barked at the screen.
"Oh, it's happening, sweetheart. We're going to be famous!" I started doing what could only be described as a touchdown dance. "High five." I put my hand out for Snuggle Muffins.
And he hit it.
What the what? "High five," I said again and put my hand out.
He proceeded to hit it again.
"Oh my God, Snuggle Muffins! You know how to high five? You're adorable and smart, I knew it."
He sighed.
"Noah, you're missing everything! Half the decorations are already up. We were on the freaking news. And Snuggle Muffins is a dog genius!"
No response.
"Our dog is brilliant! Come see!"
Silence.
Kidnapped men were so lame.
I heard a door close and I screamed at the top of my lungs. I grabbed the scalped stuffed animal and then threw it across the room. That was a terrible weapon. Unless I was trying to scare Noah with baldness. I picked up my knife and tried to steady my breathing.
Kidnapped men were also terribly rude and liked to terrorize me. Had I imagined the door closing? I crept out into the kitchen. My brain was definitely acting up. But I swore the basement door was open before. It was closed now. It could have been a gust of wind. I had a feeling it was my house guest, though.
"Noah?" I whispered.
The timer on the oven started going off and I screamed again. I tried to cover my mouth with my hand and almost stabbed myself in the face with my knife. Jesus. I threw the knife across the room, like I just had with my stuffed animal. It made perfect contact with one of the kitchen cabinets and sunk into the wood. Great. How was I going to explain that mark to Detective Torres?
I pulled out the knife and then grabbed the brownies out of the oven. Ignoring the fact t
hat the knife had been in a flowerpot earlier, I used it to cut the brownies into perfect squares.
"Noah! Supper is ready!" I giggled and took a bite. It was...a little funky. But actually pretty good. I took another bite. And another. Oh my God, what am I doing? I looked down at the half-eaten brownie in my hand. I was already worried about being high. I waited a minute and took a deep breath. But I didn't feel any different. I was fine. Definitely a-okay. I stuffed the rest of the brownie in my mouth. Noah wasn’t the only one who was hungry. I'd skipped dinner too because I was too busy trying to find his hidey-hole. Besides, chocolate always soothed me. I was feeling less jumpy already.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Hopefully Noah was more susceptible to weed than I was. Because I was pretty sure the weed didn't do anything to me. I put the brownies in the middle of the kitchen island, which just so happened to be in perfect view of the kitchen window.
I clapped my hands together. It was time to finish my trap. Abandoning my knife on the counter, I grabbed an axe from the garage. "Noah! I'm going to go get us a Christmas tree!"
No response.
I grabbed the binoculars from the junk drawer. "See you in a bit! It'll probably be a half-hour or so! You know how I am about finding the perfect tree!" He didn't remember. That was why I gave him the fake time frame.
I whistled for Snuggle Muffins and he came running after me. I let us out the back door, but didn't bother locking it. The blanket of snow on the ground would show any footprints to and from the house. I'd know if Noah tried to leave. I'd also know because I'd be watching him the whole time with my binoculars.
The weed brownies were the perfect trap. I made my way into the woods, well out of view in the darkness. Then I peered through my binoculars into the kitchen window. Now all I had to do was wait for Noah to come out of his hiding spot, eat tons of brownies, and fall asleep. I giggled. I'd give it twenty minutes. Those brownies were actually pretty strong. It just took a few minutes for them to kick in. I giggled again and hoped that no one else was out in these woods tonight. Seeing me out here giggling wouldn't exactly make me look innocent. Not that I cared. I was already famous.
Chapter 21
Sunday
Snuggle Muffins whimpered at my feet. I lowered the binoculars and looked down at him. He was staring up at me with the biggest puppy dog eyes. His whole body was covered in snow, despite the fact that we were pretty well protected under the trees. Had he rolled around in it?
"What's wrong? Are you cold?" I ran my hands up and down my arms. "Me too." For some reason I hadn't grabbed a winter jacket for me or Snuggle Muffins. As soon as I had my money back, a cute little jacket for my new main man would be the first thing I’d buy.
"You shouldn't have played in it if you were going to be cold. It's called being a grownup."
I wasn't sure how long we'd been out here. I was used to checking my phone for the time, but I'd lost it somewhere in the house. For all I knew we'd been standing out here staring at the back of my house for hours. Or has it been days? I touched my forehead. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. Or was it moving faster than usual? I ran my hand down my face and realized I hadn't put on gloves. I was the bad grownup. Not Snuggle Muffins.
No, it couldn't have been days. I doubt I would have missed the sun. But would the sun have come out if it was snowing? The sky did look a little orange right now. That was definitely because of the snow though. Or…it could have been a trick. Maybe it was the sunrise. "Did we fall asleep out here?"
Snuggle Muffins whimpered.
"Yeah, I didn’t think so either. Let's just...move around for a bit while we wait, okay? Jumping jacks, go!" I started jumping up and down in the woods, small sticks and leaves crunching under my feet. "Jump with me, Snuggle Muffins!"
He just stared.
"Jump with me, Muffins! Oh God." I stopped jumping and put my hands on my knees. "I'm freaking out of shape." I was panting and I was pretty sure I'd only been jumping for...wait...what was time? "Snuggle Muffins, I don't remember what time is. I know there are hands on the clock. But what do they do? And why are they called hands?"
I swore he shook his head.
"Don't look at me like that." I leaned down and brushed some of the snow off his back. "Here, maybe Noah's fallen into my diabolical trap." I lifted my binoculars but couldn't see anything. What the hell? I shook them. But that didn't help. How did I always fix those old video games? Right, by blowing on them. I blew on the lenses of the binoculars, but that didn't do anything either. How had they broken? They'd been in my hands the whole time.
Snuggle Muffins barked.
"Oh." I laughed. "You're right. My bad." I'd put them up to my eyes the wrong way. I flipped them around and focused in on the kitchen window.
The brownies were still sitting there. But Noah was nowhere in sight. "Ugh. Why is he being such a turd face tonight? Is it something I did? Don't answer that. I know I kidnapped him and tried to starve him and made him poop in a litter box and all that nonsense. But geez...that was hours ago. You'd think he'd get over it by now. Am I right?"
Snuggle Muffins didn't respond.
"You're in a mood. Do your jumping jacks and stop complaining. We're on a stakeout. Sometimes those take longer than one might think. Can you please be patient for me, little dude?"
This time when he didn't respond, I lowered my binoculars. "Snuggle Muffins?" I turned in a circle. But Snuggle Muffins had disappeared. "Snuggle Muffins!" I screamed. No. I turned in another circle. No. Where was he? "Snuggle Muffins!" Didn't he know that I needed him? He couldn't leave me too.
I can't breathe. I dropped the binoculars onto the ground and touched my throat. I tried to call for him again, but I couldn't catch my breath.
I started running through the woods, gasping for air that didn't seem to reach my lungs. Come back to me. Please don't leave. "I won't make you do any more jumping jacks. And you don't have to pee in a box." I stumbled through the woods, not caring about the small branches scratching against my skin.
I needed him. Why would he leave me? Why did everyone leave me? "Snuggle Muffins," I gasped. I needed to try to calm down. I was vaguely aware of how cold my tears were as they fell down my cheeks. "Snuggle Muffins." I put my hand on a nearby tree and leaned over. Breathe in. Breathe out. "Snuggle Muffins!" I called a little louder. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I thought about how Noah hadn't come out to get the brownies. What if he wasn't there? What if he was never there? What if I'd made the whole thing up?
I shut my eyes tight. What if Snuggle Muffins didn't exist either? I wiped the tears off my cheeks. I didn't want him to be a dream like the blood. "Snuggle Muffins," I cried. "I'll be a better mommy! I promise. I promise. I'm going to buy you a coat. And I'll let you sleep in bed with me every night, not just once." But he already knew all that.
I opened my eyes. There was no evidence that he'd ever been here. I'm losing my mind. Ever since I'd kidnapped Noah, I’d felt it. My sanity slowly slipping away. I pushed him down those stairs. No. No, no, no. "I'm not a monster. He slipped! Snuggle Muffins, please. I'm not a monster. I'd never hurt you." He was all I had left.
And then I heard him bark.
I turned around. It sounded like it was coming from the direction of my house. "Snuggle Muffins?" He barked again and I felt a little more certain of his whereabouts as I ran toward the noise. "Snuggle Muffins!"
I ran out of the woods and into my back yard. Snuggle Muffins was jumping around trying to attack the snowflakes falling from the sky.
"Bad dog."
He froze and looked up at me. And then his tongue lolled out of the side of his mouth.
"Did you just stick your tongue out at me? You're a very bad dog." I collapsed into the snow beside him. "You know I don't mean it. But don't scare me like that ever again. Do you hear me?" I squeezed him against my chest. "You can't leave me too. Promise me." I held him closer.
And the little demon licked the side of my face. I almos
t threw him off me, but as the snow fell around me, I found myself not caring that he was gross. I looked down at his cute little face. Oh, no. I'm a dog person. Ew. I cringed. But then I shook my head as I stared at the little bundle of fur in my arms. "I'm not a dog person. But I am a Snuggle Muffins person. So don't leave me."
His face morphed into a distorted smile.
"I'm high."
He barked.
And then I laughed. "We're so high!" I let him go so he could chase snowflakes again. And then I collapsed backward and started making snow angels. I rolled around the back yard making snow angel after snow angel until Snuggle Muffins and I were both equally covered in snow.
"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas," I sung.
"Is everything okay back there?"
Sally was peering over the fence at me. At least, I think it was Sally. Her face resembled a snake. I squinted at her. Maybe she was just dressed up for fun. Old people were into kinky things too, right? "We're great," I said. I smiled but it felt weird, like my lips were stretched out to my ears. I touched my lips. They went all the way around my whole head. I'm growing.
"Oh. I see," Sally said. She turned to look at my house.
My eyes followed her gaze. And I didn't need my binoculars to see clearly into the kitchen window from this distance. Noah was standing at the kitchen island shoving his face with brownies. It looked like he was eating them with a shovel. Who eats brownie with a shovel? I needed to give him a fork.
"Hmm," Sally the snake hissed. "Looks like everything is okay here. I'll let you guys be."
I turned back to her. And then back toward the window. If I could see Noah, that meant snake Sally could see Noah too. "Oh fuck."
"Language, dear."
"It's not what it looks like," I said. "That...that's my sidepiece. Noah." Shit. Why did I just tell her it was Noah? I was a terrible liar. "I mean Evergreen. His name is Evergreen. He's a tree. I was just cutting down a Christmas tree."
"What? All I see is two kids playing in the snow." She hissed again and winked one of her big yellow eyes. "See you tomorrow for the Christmas light judging! I have a feeling you and Evergreen are going to win a million dollars. Ciao!"
