by Ivy Smoak
"I don't remember saying that." Lies fell from my lips so easily these days.
"No?" His lips trailed across my clavicle and down to the V in my sweater. "So you want me to stop?"
I wanted to remember what it was like to be loved one last time. Before the cheating. Before the missing cash. Before he ruined my life.
"Tell me to stop and I will. We can go back to the basement." His index finger tugged the front of my sweater down and he placed a kiss between my breasts.
He was willing to go back to the basement. That was good behavior. And in my book, good behavior was supposed to be rewarded. How else would men ever be trained properly?
"Tell me to stop," he said again. It almost sounded like he was begging. Like he was scared of this being too good to be true.
It was. Of course it was. But when life handed you lemons, you were supposed to make lemonade. Life had handed me a cheating husband, so...I was going to fuck his brains out. It was only fair. "Don't stop."
He lifted me up in his arms. "I'll never stop."
But I wasn't talking about sex. I didn't want him to stop loving me. Why had he stopped loving me? I clung to him like I never wanted to let go.
He'd be tripping longer than I would if I'd really been outside making snow angels for four hours. I could have my way with him and then...what? Tie him to the bed. Get the confession I deserved. And then...
Stop.
I'd made a mistake all those years ago by saying yes to his proposal.
Stop.
He'd robbed so many years from me.
Stop.
Yes, I felt whole with him. Yes, he provided for me and bought my dream house in my dream neighborhood. From the outside looking in, Noah was perfect. But perfect was a façade, just like all the other smiling faces behind white picket fences. Noah was unfaithful. Noah was a thief. Noah was...
Stop.
I thought it was easier to breathe his exhales than oxygen. I thought he was my forever. I thought a lot of things.
But the only thing I was thinking right now? I'd breathe easier when his exhales weren't invading my oxygen supply. And when I cut ties on a forever permanently.
There were no maybes about it. I closed my eyes as he carried me upstairs. I'd have one more fun night. One good memory to hold on to in a sea of terrible ones.
Then in the morning...I was going to get my confession. And then...
Stop.
I closed my eyes tighter.
Stop.
But there was no stopping it. I'd already made up my mind. I was pretty sure I'd known all along I'd go through with it. There was no other way out of this hell.
He kissed me harder when we reached the bedroom. Like he was holding on to as much anger from our past as I was. But that would be crazy. I was the jilted one, not him. I was also the crazy one. He'd said it himself. And I was just crazy enough to kill him.
Chapter 23
Monday
For the first time in what felt like weeks, I hadn't stared at the ceiling all night long. I'd actually slept. The combination of pot brownies and a good lay was my new cure for insomnia. Not even the images of blood I’d been seeing bothered me. And that blood had been everywhere in my dreams. Always. Staining the cement at the bottom of the basement stairs. I could easily picture myself scrubbing away the blood on my hands. The water running red. I rubbed them harder and harder until my own hands were pink.
Now that I was awake, that disturbing image came back to me. But I still didn't want to move. I didn't want the warm feeling in the center of my chest to go away. I didn't want to have to go through with my plan. Because today was the day to finally say goodbye.
Goodbye to Noah. Goodbye to this house. Goodbye to Delaware. Hell, I'd even be saying goodbye to the country. And I couldn't delay it any longer. Detective Torres would be getting my missing records soon. He'd be putting all the scattered pieces back together. I’d already made a deposit on an apartment in Mexico. All I had to do was get there and I'd be free. I'd be free of everything. It was go-time.
It almost felt like my eyes were glued shut when I tried to open them. I reached to rid the sleepy from the corners of my eyes, but my hand didn't move. Ow. I tried to move my hand again but...I couldn't. I opened my eyes, ignoring the gritty feeling, and looked up.
No.
I pulled on the ropes tying my hands to my bedposts. How? I pulled again but they were tied in a knot I hadn't studied on YouTube. No! I pulled harder. This couldn't be happening. This was not how last night was supposed to go down. Noah was supposed to be tied up. Not me. I tried to wiggle my hands to loosen the grip or the rope, but all that accomplished was giving my wrists a bit of rope burn. Damn it!
I pulled my attention away from the perfect knot. The sheets were rumpled around me and I smelled Noah everywhere, but he wasn't there. That was no surprise. But what was a surprise was the Mrs. Claus costume I was wearing. Not a real one with a gray wig, round glasses, and long fur coat. But a sexy one that you surprised your husband with as a Christmas present.
What in the ever-living fuck was I doing dressed up like this? I pulled down as hard as I could on the ropes and tried to ignore the tears threatening to escape my eyes. Ow. I shook my hands. No. No, no, no!
I didn't know where Noah was, but surely he was close. It wasn't like he could just walk outside and....shit! I twisted my body so that I was on my knees facing the headboard. Come on. I pulled even harder, the ropes biting at my skin. If Noah left the house, all our neighbors would swarm him with questions. Detective Torres would show up and start asking questions. I'd be spending the rest of my days in jail instead of in Mexico.
The rope wasn't budging. I looked over my shoulder hoping Snuggle Muffins would come to my rescue. But my silly dog was nowhere in sight. It was tempting to keep trying to get free for as long as I could, but I needed to make sure Noah wasn't going anywhere. Hell, what if he was already with the cops right now?
"Noah!" I yelled and pulled on the ropes. The headboard didn’t even shake, but the action made my breasts almost fall out of my flimsy costume. This outfit was only supposed to be worn for good husbands. Not lying cheats. That son of a bitch. "Noah!"
I stopped screaming and stared at my left hand. My engagement ring and wedding band both glistened in the morning sun. And for just a second, I wondered if it was all a dream. Maybe I'd never taken them off. Maybe I never kidnapped my husband. Maybe Noah still loved me.
But that would have been a Christmas miracle. And I knew it wasn't true. Partly because the last few days definitely felt real. And partly because I heard a floorboard squeak.
I turned around as Noah walked in. He was humming Baby it's Cold Outside and carrying a tray of breakfast food.
"What the fuck, Noah?" This time when I pulled against the restraint, the bedpost groaned in protest.
"Good morning to you too, Ensley." He placed the tray down on the nightstand. "Toast?" He picked up a piece of toast and put it up to my lips.
"Fuck you."
"Maybe later then." He took a bite of it and then tossed it onto the plate.
I glared at him. He was dressed similarly to me...but the guy version. His outfit was green though, which definitely made him an elf instead of Santa. Mrs. Claus with an elf? What kind of kinky stuff had we gotten into last night? I couldn't remember changing into this. Which meant...oh my God. "Why did you put me in this costume?"
He laughed. "It was your idea. I just went along with it." He pulled on one of his green suspenders and let it snap back against his chiseled chest. "You really liked these last night."
"What? I...there is no way in hell this was my idea."
"Do you really not remember last night?" He raised his left eyebrow at me.
I ignored the way the action made my heart race. "I don't remember anything." That wasn't entirely true. I remembered kissing him. I remembered him carrying me upstairs. I remembered straddling him on the bed. His hands. His lips. His tongue. His...I swallowed har
d. God, how could I ever forget the things he’d done to my body? But then things got a little foggy. Technically it was possible that after we'd rolled around in the sheets once that I’d wanted to spice things up with the outfits. It could have been my idea. After all, I had bought what I was wearing as a surprise for Noah.
"That's a shame. It was quite memorable for me."
Me too. Until I’d blacked out. I tried to ignore his words and my own traitorous thoughts. "I'm glad it was fun for you. Now untie me or I swear to God I'll..."
"Orange juice?" he asked, cutting me off. He lifted a glass off the tray and took a sip before putting it up to my lips.
I spit in it.
He made a tsking noise and set the glass back down on the tray. "I don't remember being this hostile when you had me tied up, Ensley."
"Then clearly you're not remembering things well either."
He shook his head. "You were the hostile one then too. Starving me. Making me do my business in a litter box. A litter box, babe."
"So this is about revenge?" I knew I shouldn't have trusted him last night. I'd let my guard down for two seconds - fine, two hours - and this is what happened? "So what do you want? You want me to pee in a litter box so that we're even? Great, let's just get this over with then."
He smiled. "This isn't about revenge. I told you I didn't want to hurt you. And I don't."
"Then untie me." Asshole. This time when I pulled on the ropes I almost started crying. Ow.
"I can't do that."
"Why? We can have a civilized conversation where we're both not tied up. Like two normal adults."
He sat down on the edge of the bed, far enough from me so that I couldn't kick him in the nuts. "Two normal adults. How boring. I think I fell in love with you because you're anything but normal, Ensley."
"Then let me go. Let's be un-normal together." I twisted my body around so that I was sitting on the bed facing him. Then I forced myself to smile. Happy people were trusting people.
"I can't," he said.
"Why do you keep saying that? Of course you can." I slowly inched my foot forward. Maybe I was wrong before. It was possible if I stretched just so that I could kick his balls.
"Technically I can, sure. But after you insisted on the outfit change you started talking about all this crazy stuff. Sorry, I know you don't like the term crazy. But Ensley...the shit you were saying really freaked me out."
I pressed my lips together. He could literally be referring to anything I'd done in the past few weeks. It was better if I stayed silent.
He didn't elaborate either.
If he was hoping for a staring contest, I could definitely win...crap. I blinked. "And what do you think I said?"
"You talked about decapitating all the elves in the house. And then drowning them in the lake. Something about a fresh start for Senorita Claus. I was wearing an elf costume." He gestured to his getup. "So naturally you kinda freaked me out, babe."
"I was high." Apparently so high that I'd blabbed my plans to him. Decapitation though? Ouch. I just wanted a clean slice across his throat, not to lob the whole head off. High me was extra crazy. "Clearly I didn't mean any of that, Noah."
"You couldn't have been that high. You were outside for hours after eating those brownies."
"Right. But you had them too. After I did. You probably just imagined me saying all those things."
He shook his head. "I lied."
"How unusual for you." I glared at him. "What did you lie about this time?"
"Well, I tried to tell you the truth last night. Your brownies were terrible. I only had one bite."
"But you said you went back for more. There was at least a third of them missing."
"Yeah, I knew you drugged them. You definitely needed something else in them to hide that taste. I figured you were trying to drug me, so I wanted to make it look like I'd eaten a bunch. I tossed several of them in the trash and then warmed up a TV dinner instead. It was sitting on the counter right next to the brownies. You just didn't see it. Probably because you couldn't stop staring at me." He flashed me a smile.
Was that what he'd been eating with his shovel hands? I pressed my lips together. The fact that I thought he had shovel hands last night was probably enough of an answer. "I don't think I was staring at you."
"It's okay." He reached out and grabbed my shin. The rough skin of his palm made me shiver. "I was staring at you too. Kind of like I am now."
I could use this to my advantage. "I have a proposal. Why don't we have a redo of last night?" I bit my bottom lip as I stared into his eyes.
"Maybe later." He reached into his back pocket. "First I have some questions for you." He pulled out a cell phone.
No, not just any cell phone. Mine. The one I'd misplaced last night. Oh shit. I cringed as he slid his finger across the screen.
"There was an alarm going off on this at 7 am this morning. A reminder to pack your passport," he said. "That definitely piqued my interest."
I swallowed hard. Why oh why had I not set a password on my phone? More importantly, why did I think it was appropriate to leave reminders about my escape plan on my calendar?
"So I did a little digging," he said.
"Noah, it's not what you think."
He stood up, distancing himself from me. "Really? Because I think it's exactly what I think. You stopped wearing your rings. You have appointment reminders to visit Dr. Collins constantly." He looked down at me. "Is this the same Dr. Collins you were trying to make me think I was having an affair with? It was you, Ensley. You were cheating on me. And you made me think I was the bad guy because I hit my head and couldn't remember. You made me think I was a monster."
"That’s...that's not what I was doing."
"Dr. Collins 3 pm - grocery store. Dr. Collins 1 pm - mall. Dr. Collins 7 pm - office. Dr. Collins noon - Grotto's. You see Dr. Collins almost every day of the week."
I stared at him. "That's not what it looks like."
"Oh, I think it's exactly what it looks like. You're a terrible liar and a terrible criminal. You have 'kidnap husband' on your calendar." He held up my phone. "Did you seriously not think that the detective you're cozying up to would subpoena this for evidence?"
"I'm not getting cozy with Detective Torres."
Noah ran his fingers through his hair. "Right, because detectives usually offer to carry up Christmas decorations for their prime suspects. I heard you flirting with him."
"I wasn't..."
"You called me a liar. You called me a cheat. But it's you, Ensley. It was you all along."
"Noah, please. You don’t understand."
"Oh, I found a whole to-do list too." He looked back down at the phone. "Kidnap Noah. Hide him. Notify police. Give police the box of falsified records. Get a confession. Get money back. And then there are a whole bunch of question marks. What the hell are the question marks, Ensley?"
"Untie me and I'll tell you."
"Tell me and I'll untie you," he countered.
I wasn't really in a place to negotiate. My wrists were burning. And I did kind of need to pee, and I wasn't an animal. I'd never actually pop a squat in a litter box like him. "Noah, come on..."
"What are the question marks?!"
He'd been so loving recently. It was strange seeing him mad. Mad enough to hit someone? Like he'd hit Sophia Tremblay? I didn't want to test that theory. "There were several possibilities depending on what was going on. I wanted to leave myself a little wiggle room."
"Tell me some of the possibilities."
He wasn't going to let me go until I told him something. "Burn the house down. With you in it." That had never been the plan. It was always to kill him and hide his body in the lake if it came to that. But I couldn’t do that now. The lake was frozen. Although, I was definitely still leaning toward the killing thing. I couldn't let him walk away with everything he'd found on my phone.
"You want me dead that badly? We could have talked about our problems. We could have worked
this out. I don't give up that easily, Ensley. I don't want to give up on us."
"There is no us. You made sure of that." I pulled on the ropes.
"Right, when I stole all your money and slept around with Sophia Tremblay and Dr. Collins? Yeah, I heard you the first time. But that's the thing, Ensley. I didn't do any of that. You did."
"I’m not a lesbian." I love you, you idiot. I pulled against the ropes again, but it was no use. I needed to get free before I let crazy thoughts of love take over my brain. I didn't love Noah. Not anymore. "I told you it's not what it looks like."
"Then explain it to me."
You're crazy. You're the psychopath. Not me. I wasn't sure he wanted to hear any of that.
He reached out and lightly touched my cheek.
I forced myself not to turn my head and bite him.
"I think you fucked up, babe. All this..." he lifted up the phone. "You left a trail. You're in too deep. But we can fix all this together. I just need you to tell me the truth about everything. Let me help you."
You want to help me kill you?
"I'll call Detective Torres right now. We can clear everything up." His finger hovered over the call icon.
"Noah, don't." It felt like all the air left my lungs. He was going to ruin everything. Months of planning. No, it wasn't the perfect crime, but I could still get away with it.
"Why?"
I struggled against the ropes. "He can't know."
"Why?"
"You don't understand."
"Then help me understand! Why can't Detective Torres know that I'm here safe? That you didn't do anything wrong?"
"Because you're not safe!" I pressed my lips together. For just a second, I thought everything might spill out. I pressed my lips together even tighter.
He lowered the phone. "What did you do, Ensley?"
I tried to think of the best way out of this. Lying, stealing, and cheating were his solutions. Not mine. But I didn't see another way. "Noah. I...you're right to be scared of me. I keep having these dreams..." I let my voice trail off. "After I dropped you down the stairs and you hit your head. I keep seeing these images of blood. It's like I want to see the blood. I'm worried I'm going to hurt you."
