I'm not sure where Bri and Ryan are, but I'm kind of glad they aren't here. I don't know if I can handle seeing Ryan right now.
Everything from last night comes flooding back, and I feel like such a shit. I can't believe I kissed that girl. I can't believe Ash kissed Casey. I feel my stomach turn over, and I don't know if it's because of my pounding head or my broken heart.
I see my phone on the table where I left it last night and instantly think of talking to Ash. I close my eyes and concentrate on breathing in and out because that's about all I can handle at the moment. I finally make my way to the table to check my phone.
There are twelve missed calls from Ash with at least five messages from her. I can't do this right now. I just need to lie down. So I take my phone back to bed with me and close my eyes.
Lying still is the only thing that helps. And the deep black silence is the only comfort I have.
Chapter 17: Back to Work
I'm going crazy. I haven't talked to Todd in two days, and I hate it. I hate that he thinks I kissed Casey, especially after knowing everything that happened with them. Today is my first day back at work with Casey since "The Incident"—that's what I'm calling it.
I told Sid everything, and in that moment, she was my supportive best friend, not Todd's sister. She said he hasn't called home, either. Luckily, Ryan has called home and talked to Mom and Dad, so at least we all know Todd is still alive. I've left fifteen messages and now his mailbox is full. I know I should stop trying and give him space, but I wish he would just talk to me. I want him to know I love him. Him. I hate this.
The only other person I've told about the picture is Shane. He's promised he will be at the pool all day today so I can spend my breaks with him and avoid Casey as much as possible. Yet, as good of a plan as that is, I'm still going to see Casey, and I need to talk to him eventually. He has no idea about the picture.
If I see RTS, I'm going to have to punch her. So much for being kind to the patrons at the pool. She is such a bitch. Every minute Todd doesn't call, I feel my hatred and anger for her grow.
As my mom's car approaches the curb of the drop-off area, I feel my heart slamming against my chest, and I'm having a hard time catching my breath. Calm down, I keep repeating to myself. However, the closer our car gets, the closer I get to the reality of facing Casey. Maybe he'll call in sick? That thought gives me a glimmer of hope for a brief second until I see his Range Rover in the parking lot.
"Are you okay, Ashley?" Mom asks with a face full of concern.
I shrug it off and say out loud what I've been repeating to myself the entire way here, "Yeah, I'm fine." Well, I haven't convinced myself, but I think my mom has bought it. "Bye, Mom. See you at four."
As soon as I get to the gate, Shane is there waiting for me. I feel like I can almost breathe, almost. Then I see Casey going into the break house, and I feel the sweat on my palms as my heart starts to palpitate.
"Do you have a paper bag?" I ask Shane.
"No, why?" He gives me a look like I've definitely lost it.
"Because I think I'm going to hyperventilate."
Shane laughs, but I don't think he realizes how serious I am. "I'm not kidding, Shane."
He takes one look at me and I must look pretty bad because his laugh quickly changes to concern. He sits me down on the bench right next to the entrance of the pool. "Ash, you need to pull it together. You can't go in there like this."
"I know. Thanks, Einstein."
"Just take a deep breath."
So I do. I listen to him, drop my head between my legs, and just concentrate on breathing.
"Thanks for being here, Shaney," I finally say once I have my breathing under control. Even though I'm pretty sure I'm having a heart attack, Shane being next to me is the only thing that makes me feel like I can actually do this.
"Anytime, Ash." He smiles at me. "Have you talked to him?"
"Which one?" I ask, returning his smile for the first time.
He gives me a look that says, really?
"No, but Ryan called home and talked to my parents, so I know Todd is still living. Sid said he hasn't called home, either."
"Maybe he broke his hand when he punched his locker and can't dial his phone." Shane smiles.
"That would explain it," I respond, returning his sarcasm.
***
Thanks to Shane, I've managed to avoid Casey for the first hour other than a smile and a nod from across the pool. However, our break is coming up, and I know I can't avoid him forever.
As soon as he gets down from his chair, he comes over to me and Shane. As usual, he gets a little closer than a normal friend would, then he bends down so his lips are near my ear.
"We need to talk," he whispers and gives me that smile that reveals just how perfect and white his teeth are before he starts to walk toward the break house.
"So that's Casey?" Shane says as we both watch him walk down the paved path to the break house. I hate that he knows we're still watching him. "He's cute."
"Shut up." I smack him in the arm.
Shane raises both of his eyebrows. "Hey, I'm just stating facts." He smiles. "Cute and rich."
"Shane!"
"Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop. I know you love Todd. Poor you, two gorgeous boys like you."
"You can go home. Thanks for nothing."
"I'm sorry, Ash." He wraps his arm around me. "It's just, I think you should stop for one second and enjoy the awesomeness of this situation."
I just give him a look, one that says I suggest you stop talking before I make you. "I'll be right back."
As I walk to the break house, I have a new sense of confidence from Shane's little speech. Without realizing it, he made me see that I'm the one who has the power here. Wait, maybe he did realize it.
I look back at Shane to see him watching me with a smile that says, 'it took you long enough to figure it out.' He then gives me a nod of encouragement.
Maybe Shane is as wise as he's been claiming to be for all of these years.
I just shake my head and smile.
***
I walk straight to my locker, although I know I can't avoid Casey forever. I need to face it head on. I mean, we need to talk eventually.
Luckily, Casey is much braver than I am. He comes right up to my locker.
"Hey." He leans his back against the lockers, his voice softer and more gentle than usual.
"Hey," I say back, matching his tone.
There's a long, uncomfortable silence before we both speak at the same time. "I'm sorry," we say over one another then start to laugh.
"Ash, can I talk to you for a second?" He looks down at me with his bright green eyes.
"Sure." I close my locker and follow his lead. We end up cross-legged on the floor under our usual air vent, the cold air falling down on us, feeling so good.
"I'm really sorry I kissed you." He shakes his head. "I didn't know for sure you had a boyfriend."
"I think that was my fault," I say softly. I feel bad. I never meant to lead him on, or worse, hurt him.
"No, I had a pretty good idea and normally I wouldn't care. I don't know what you're doing to me, Ashley Taylor. I like you a lot. I mean, as a friend. And I don't want to do anything to mess that up." He smiles at me as his hand brushes against my knee.
I smile back at him. "Yeah, me either. I mean, I like you a lot, too, as a friend." I nudge him with my elbow then instantly wish I didn't. Why do I keep touching him?
"It's Todd, isn't it? Your boyfriend." As his eyes pierce mine, for the first time, Casey gives me a look that makes me think he hates Todd as much as Todd hates him.
I look down and start to pull at the deep orange carpet beneath us. "Yeah, it is," I say, finally meeting his eyes again.
"Why didn't you ever tell me?" His question is completely heartfelt and genuine. No games, no show, just pure Casey, maybe for the first time.
"I honestly don't know." I shrug, almost ashamed to admit it. "I guess I liked the
attention." I look over at him and his lips spread into a smile, which sets my guilt at ease, at least for a second.
"Oh, really?" he says playfully as he nudges me back, and I'm grateful it's clear we can get past this.
"But Rebecca sent Todd a picture of us kissing, and now he won't talk to me, so I'm not sure what's going to happen."
"Rebecca what?" he says, his playful tone changing instantly.
I press my lips together and shake my head with raised eyebrows. "It's true."
"Fuuuck," he draws the word out, his tone matching exactly how I feel.
"Yup."
"So you haven't talked to him?"
I shake my head no and start to pull at the rug again, trying to hide from Casey exactly how hurt I am.
"You might not know this, Ash, but Todd and I don't exactly get along."
"That might be the other reason I never told you." I smile at him.
"Do you know the whole story?"
"I've heard bits and pieces, but not from Todd." I make sure that's clear. "He would never really talk about it."
Casey bites his lower lip. "Yeah, well, that makes sense."
"Hey, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I place my hand on his arm. It's clear he's a swimmer; every muscle in his arm is incredibly defined.
He looks over at me, and I can see how important this is to him. Any trace of a smile is gone. "Todd dated my sister, Dylan, last year over the summer. She really liked him." He gives me a quick smile. "That seems to be a running theme." When he laughs at his own joke, I instantly appreciate that he's making this moment lighter than it really is.
I smile back to encourage him to continue. I didn't think this is where I wanted this conversation to go, but I'm hanging on his every word. I can't wait to hear his side of the story, at least.
"Well, they broke up at the end of summer, and Dylan was really upset when she went back to college." He pauses and looks at me. "You see, my parents care more about image and money than they do about us." He says it so matter-of-factly it makes me sad for him. "So they basically told her to suck it up. To get over it. So she did, at least on the outside. I knew she was depressed. I knew it, and I didn't say anything." He shakes his head and looks down at the same orange rug I've been pulling at.
"Anyway, she was unhappy at school—some shit with her sorority and pressure from my parents—and she took a bottle of pills. Her roommate found her just in time." His voice cracks, revealing just how important his sister is to him. His eyes finally come back up to meet mine. "And I blamed Todd. I mean, really blamed him for everything."
"I'm really sorry, Casey," I say, rubbing his arm.
He shakes his head. "Don't be. Things are a lot better with her, and she's told me a million times it had nothing to do with Todd. I don't know if things will ever be the same with me and Todd again, though. I got him in a lot of trouble at work. We were tight before everything, and I really like your brother and Brian, but I don't think Todd and I can ever get past what happened."
"Maybe you can." I smile at the thought.
He gives a quick, sarcastic laugh. "Well, not now. That picture sealed the deal, I'm sure. What's with her anyway? Why would she do that?"
"Well, you see, she hates me." I emphasize the word me. There's a lot of hate going on here.
"Why?" He gives me a look like that is preposterous, making me smile.
"Because she was dating Todd before me, and he broke up with her."
"Wow. He gets around, huh?" I smack him as hard as I can, his firm bicep hurting my hand more than I've hurt him. He just grins. "You really like him, don't you?"
I grin back. "Yeah, I really do."
***
I'm exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions by the time I actually make it home and lie down on my bed. Still no calls from Todd.
I'm getting ready to text Sid just to confirm he's still alive when I feel my phone buzz. I pick it up, already preparing myself for the disappointment of not seeing Todd's name on the screen, but it is his name.
Can we talk?
My stomach drops as if I'm on a giant roller coaster.
Please, I type back and then delete it. Is that too desperate? Oh, who cares? I type it back and take a deep breath before I hit send.
My phone rings within seconds, causing me to feel as nervous as the first time we ever talked on the phone. It's only been two days, yet it feels like two years.
"Hey, Ash." It's so good to hear his voice, even if he sounds exhausted.
"Hi," I say, unsure what else to say or how to bring up everything I know we need to talk about.
"Sorry it took me so long to call you. I got your messages." I'm trying to read his tone, but I can't. I wish I could see him and look into his clear blue eyes, then I would know exactly how he feels.
"It's okay. I get it. I heard you got a picture." Shoot, maybe sarcasm was the wrong way to play this. I feel my heart slamming against my rib cage.
"Yeah, I did." I think I hear a smile in his voice, but I can't tell. I can usually read him absolutely perfectly. He feels so far away.
"I'm really sorry, Todd. I want you to know I didn't kiss him; he kissed me and it was a mistake. What you didn't see was, right after that, I pushed him away and told him I have a boyfriend. I love you so much. I'm so sorry I hurt you. How's your hand? Ryan told me you punched a locker and messed it up." I say everything unbelievably quick. I've been waiting days to say all of this, and it all comes out as one, long, run-on sentence.
"Ash, I think we need to take a break."
My heart stops, my brain stops, time stops. I wasn't expecting this. What do I say to that? I wasn't prepared for those words. I've played every other scenario over in my brain, but this hasn't been one of them.
I try to speak, yet words fail to come out. Tears start to well up, and I won't be able to hide them from him. As soon as I speak, he'll know, so I don't say anything. I just sit there in silence, hoping he'll take those horrible words back. Maybe, if I wait long enough, he'll change his mind. So we sit in silence as I wipe the tears away from my cheeks with the back of my hand.
"Ash?" he says so quietly, so gently.
I finally take a deep breath and try my hardest to hide my emotions, but my shaky voice instantly gives me away. "Okay, if that's what you want," I say, even though I don't mean it.
"I'm sorry, Ash. It's not you, it's me. I can explain when I get home."
"No. Don't. Don't give me the 'it's not you it's me' speech. I thought we were closer than that. Be honest, that's the least you can do. I kissed Casey. It's all me!" I scream into the phone, no longer trying to hide anything. I don't know where that came from. My hands are shaking, and I need to hang up before I make a bigger fool of myself.
"Ashley. Please. We just need to talk when I get home. I want to do it in person."
"Don't bother; you just did it." I hang up.
I hate myself. This is my fault. I led Casey on because I liked the attention and wanted to find out the secret, the stupid horrible secret, and I ruined everything.
I throw my phone across my room, wanting to destroy my one connection to Todd. I hear it ring from somewhere on the floor, and it buzzes then rings again.
I don't move. I can't move. I don't want talk to anyone. Ever again. I burry my head in my pillow and scream as loud as I can. It feels like my chest is caving in, and I have no control over the tears streaming down my cheeks. I can't stop crying for what feels like hours. I don't know how I have any tears left, but somehow they keep coming.
***
I open my eyes to see everything looks unfamiliar. I don't know where I am at first. I quickly blink my eyes to try to get them to focus. I know they are puffy and swollen because it hurts every time I blink. Unfortunately, the pain is an instant reminder of what happened last night. It wasn't a horrible dream. It was real. All of it.
I look across the room to see my phone lying on the floor, exactly where it landed when I hurled it across the roo
m. I must have eventually cried myself to sleep because the bright morning sun is streaming into my room and my alarm clock is about to go off.
I hear my phone buzzing. I know I have unread text messages, but I don't even care. What does it matter? None of it matters. Todd told me how he feels. It's over. We're taking a break, which equals over.
I close my eyes at the thought of seeing Casey at work and practice today. I don't want to tell him, I don't want to tell anyone, but I know he's going to ask.
***
No matter how many eye drops I pour into my eyes, I can't hide the puffiness. It's a dead giveaway. I blame my contacts to most people, and they seem to buy it, except Casey. He knows something is going on, and I can tell by the look he gives me this is a subject that's going to come up on our first break.
As I sit up in my chair, I'm so thankful for the sun. Feeling it against my skin is the only bit of happiness I have today. I try hard to concentrate on the kids as they splash around in the pool without a care in the world. They have no idea what lies ahead: crushes, first loves, immense heart break. It's great to be eight when boys hate girls and girls don't want anything to do with boys. Life is completely simple at eight. I find myself envying the little kids that annoyed me just yesterday, and I hate that I feel this way. Snap out of it, Ash, I keep saying to myself, but I can't.
Sure enough, on our first break, Casey comes right over and joins me in our usual spot under the air-conditioning.
"What happened? And don't give me any of this 'my contacts are bothering me' bullshit." He rests his arms on his bent knees.
I laugh so loud a few people turn around. It feels good to laugh. I didn't think I could. Then I roll my eyes at his insight. "You got me; it's not my contacts."
"So what happened?"
"We broke up." Why did I say that? I said I wasn't going to tell anyone, and now I'm telling the one someone I really shouldn't.
"No way." He seems as genuinely shocked as I am.
"Well, we're “taking a break” until he comes back home. He wants to talk in person."
"When is that, like three weeks, right?"
"He sent me a whole bunch of texts last night after we hung up and said he's got a one day break before his next camp, so he's going to come home this weekend."
Accidental Love (Accidental Crush #2) Page 15
