by Vanessa Rose
“You can hang out front,” I said. “I don’t mind going in without---”
“Gabrielle, I said I would do this with you,” he said. “I’m not gonna back out now.”
He still seemed on edge as the cab pulled to the curb. I asked the driver to hang out and secured the promise with a twenty as I slipped away from the leather and took hold of Dylan’s arm.
“This good?” I asked as I pushed my store bought bouquet of daises and mums before his eyes. Dylan lowered his nose to the limp flowers and smiled lightly.
“Pink and white,” he said. “Just right for a little girl.
Clutching his arm tighter, we moved together through the lobby and waited before a bank of elevators. Dylan tapped his toes and brushed the skin under his collar when the bell finally dinged and the doors slid open. Grateful for the sight of the empty car, I pressed our bodies into wall and waited as the elevator ascended. I had only brought a boy around once before. Betty thought the redhead was all kinds of cute, but my father had other ideas when it came to the idea of his daughter hanging off of a lilywhite arm. The date that followed was all kinds of uncomfortable, and the ginger boy never asked for a second chance. But now it was just Betty. No way there was going to be a repeat of---
“Well looks who’s here!”
Betty’s mother-in-law manned the bedside like a coiffed gargoyle, and I had to wonder how she would hold her granddaughter without shredding the baby’s soft skin.
“Hello, Mildred,” I said as I shook her long-nailed hand. To her credit, Mildred kept her touch light. So maybe the little one had a chance.
“Elle?”
Betty looked exhausted and overjoyed as I left Dylan’s side and softly sat at her side. Touching her cheek, I felt her smile pouring through my palms.
“So did it hurt like hell?” I asked.
“Epidural is the bomb,” Betty said.
“Thought you wanted to go natural?” I asked.
“Until I couldn’t sleep or sit and just wanted to, like, lay down,” Betty said before snapping her fingers. “Total smooth sailing after that.”
“Your sister handled it like a pro,” Mildred said.
“Thought as much,” I said as I kissed Betty’s cheek. My sister started to describe the ways in which her baby was the most perfect infant to have ever seen the light of day when I heard Mildred grunt, and I looked over my shoulder to see her sizing Dylan up.
“What’s this about?” Mildred asked. “He your driver or something?”
As soon as her voice hit Dylan’s ear, he tensed where he stood, and I left Betty’s side and held his hand.
“No, Mildred,” I said. “This is my… this is Dylan.”
There was no other way to define him, and Mildred snorted.
“Betty,” I said, ignoring Mildred as I dragged Dylan into the room. “You… you’re happy with Wyatt, right?” I asked.
Right on cue, a nurse entered the room with a tiny baby in her arms. As soon as I saw my niece, I felt a tug at my heart, and I held Dylan’s hand as the woman in white passed the infant into Betty’s arms.
“And so much more,” Betty said. “Everything I ever wanted.”
Kissing Dylan’s hand, I slipped back to the bed and patted the little one’s soft head.
“I get it,” I said. “And it suits you.”
Betty smiled, and I kissed my niece before whipping my head over my shoulder. Dylan looked sick to his stomach as he started to back away from the room, and I hurried to keep him close as I strained forward and whispered into his ear.
“I’m happy with you,” I said. “Don’t be scared of it.”
“Elle?”
We turned together to the sound of Betty’s voice, and she smiled over her daughter’s cooing head.
“And Dylan,” Betty continued. He nodded as I walked him back to the bed. “This is Kayla.”
He looked at the baby like she was something that would break with the press of a single finger. I ran my fingers down his arms, hoping that I could bring him to a point where he might feel fine with making a move when Mildred seized my hand hard and stared hard into my eyes.
“Now why do I think that this is gonna be you in like seven months tops,” she said.
I tried to shake Mildred off when she kept pushing the point.
“No mistaking the glow,” she said. “Do we have a cousin for Kayla in the works?”
I shook my head, thinking that there was no way that Mildred had any idea what the hell she was talking about. Unless it was writ large, right there on my face.
“Nothing is foolproof, Elle,” she said. “And I didn’t birth four boys and never look in a mirror.”
Again I tried to wave her off, but the look in Betty’s eyes gave me pause. Even as she cradled Kayla close, she seemed to remember that she’d seen me in every state of distress, from staggering to first period on the back of an all-nighter to taking my first two or twelve shots and trying to pretend like I wasn’t hungover. Betty always knew. She always kept the secret.
And now she seemed to know something…
“Twenty bucks says you’re late, Elle,” Betty said.
“I…”
When she was right, she was right. I trembled as I looked to Dylan, and my shaking intensified when his shoulders shifted towards his ears, and as soon as I saw him starting to back out of the room, I was instantly on my feet and trying to keep him in place.
“Dylan, wait!”
“Look at that,” Mildred said as she took Betty by the shoulder and looked down at her grandbaby. “Someone wasn’t expecting this. Not today.”
Dylan started to take off, and I was nearly on his heels when I glared back at Mildred.
“What is it with you?” she asked.
“It’s what mothers do,” she said. “Let Betty explain it to you sometime.”
My sister started to protest when Kayla cried, and Betty brought the baby close to her breast as her head drooped.
“Maybe… he might not be worth it, Elle,” she said.
“Not be… do you know what he’s been through?” I asked. “The kind of hell that…”
My voice trailed off as Dylan left my line of sight, and I fell back to Betty’s side for a split second, kissing her, kissing her daughter and tuning Mildred out as I started to leave the room.
“Elle!”
Turning back to the sound of my sister’s voice, I saw Betty rest her head to Mildred’s arm as she peered into my eyes.
“Be careful,” she said. “Even if there is a baby, you don’t have to---”
“Yes I do, Betty,” I said. “I want… I deserve a chance to be happy, too.”
Chapter 6: Tossed Out with the Trash
Finding him on the street, I chased Dylan down an alley, and we came to a stop beside an overflowing dumpster. He appeared to look every which way for an escape as I grabbed his arms and forced him back to my eyes.
“Don’t run off,” I said. “I… I swear to you that I didn’t---”
“Is it true?”
Dylan’s voice was distant as he spoke into his chest, and he shied away from my touch as I tried to lift his chin.
“Is that why you brought me here today?” he asked. “Wanted her approval?”
“Her…”
My rage boiled to the surface as I bared my teeth.
“I don’t need anyone’s approval,” I said. “And even if it’s true---”
“So there is a chance?” Dylan asked.
Touching my belly, I had to concede that Mildred might be on to something.
“It... it fits,” I said. “Mildred knows from babies.”
His hand lingered over my tummy, and I tried to take hold of his fingers when Dylan suddenly drew his hand back and flexed his fingers behind his neck.
“Don’t lay this on her,” he said. “If you thought… if you did this to try to keep me close…”
He stopped short, and I made the same move, my hands nearly at his face when I leaned away from his
stare, instinctively covering my belly as I peered into his eyes.
“Because I’d have to, right?” I asked. “Would have to trap you to keep you around for the long haul.”
“That’s not what I---”
“No, Dylan. But it is what you said.”
Hanging his head in apology, I saw his hands shake as he returned to my side, and my hands fell. No way could he feel a kick or the flutter of a hiccup when I was such a short time along. But if he still wanted a chance to touch, I would not deny him---
“Jesus,” he muttered under his breath. “This can’t be what you wanted.”
Mulling the potential over in my mind, I started to concede. Did I enjoy being on my feet for long hours in service of a drug that I never needed to take? Better ways to spend my time. But a baby was Betty’s thing.
Wasn’t it?
“Maybe… maybe not,” I said. “But… now that it’s happened… I can’t… Dylan?”
My fingers surrounded his palm, and even as I felt him flinch, I fought to keep him close.
“I can’t think of anyone better to share this with.”
I prayed for him to realize that this was more than just lip service. He was heroic. Damaged? Sure. But wasn’t everyone? I could tell him tales when it came to my father and his fury unleashed because he figured we were responsible for my mother taking off. Nothing to do with his own fists and failings. But Dylan wasn’t like that. I saw… I knew the man behind his nightmares, and I wasn’t afraid of anything that he wasn’t saying.
“So it’s unexpected,” I said. “Doesn’t mean it can’t be everything.”
I started to touch his cheek, savoring the smoothness of his fresh shave. He trusted me enough to let me bring the blade to his skin and make him even more handsome before drying his face and splashing his face with a dime store citrus scent that still made me want nothing more than to bury my face in his neck and lay with him for hours on end.
“Gabrielle…”
Dylan seized hold of my hands, and he slowly lifted them to his lips. I waited on the tips of my toes. In no way was I trying to trap him. But just the thought that our lives could be linked made my heart flutter, and I savored the feel of his soft kiss, hoping for more, when he pulled back and pressed his hands into his pockets.
“I’m not doing this,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
My jaw unhinged as he started to turn on his heel without another word, and I grabbed his back and forced him around to face me.
“Dylan, don’t,” I said. “It’s… it’s a shock or whatever. I get that. But if you just give it a chance to sink in---”
“I’ll still never want to be near that kid.”
“That kid?” I asked as I took a step back and felt a tremble racing up my arms. “I haven’t been fucking anyone else for the last month.”
“I didn’t say that,” he said, a tremor breaking around his lips. Even as my breath heated in my chest, I felt my heart wanting to soften against his chest when he stomped his foot to the pavement.
“But this is not the way… this is not what I signed up for, Elle.”
My heart died when he called me that, and I was nearly at his side when my eyes narrowed. Forget the scent of trash wafting all around us. He was the only garbage.
“So you just wanted to have some fun and wipe your hands on my cunt, right? I said with a smirk. “God forbid it got a real and you’d have to play it like a grown up.”
Dylan avoided my eyes as he sniffed the air.
“What did you think?” he asked. “That this was gonna be like forever? I did you a favor in a bar. Don’t make it more than that.”
Expecting him to leave again, to run and never look back, his pause stunned me. But I buried it deep in the pit of my stomach along with any thought that my child should ever come face-to-face with this man. If I wanted him or her, I would make do on my own. Not like I hadn’t done as much a thousand times before.
“I won’t, Dylan,” I said. “But thanks for the souvenir.”
And before he could utter even one more word, I hurried back into hospital. Betty would prove comforting. Mildred not so much. But the devil I knew was better than…
I couldn’t finish the thought as I collapsed against an elevator wall in a heap of frustrated, furious tears.
Chapter 7: Wanting More
“So what’s it gonna be, Kayla?” I asked. “Pears or peas?”
Under normal circumstances, no way Betty would have left me holding the bag. Strictly Mildred’s territory. As soon as I shared the news with them, both women seemed far from convinced that I could manage or would even want to try my luck at being a mom. But even with modern options, I couldn’t bring myself to let the little one go. Never once did I reach out to Dylan; never once did he echo my move. So if I had to go it alone, practice would make perfect.
And Mildred’s suddenly sprained ankle when she tried to take her steps two at a time granted me this precious opening.
“Kayla? Come on, honey.”
Four months into her little life. Time to start giving her a taste of more than mother’s milk. Betty swore that Kayla ate like a champ when the time was right. But right now? The little one kept her tiny lips pursed, her small head bobbing and weaving as I tried to bring the shiny spoon to her tongue.
“Mommy says you can do this,” I said. “Don’t want to make me look bad, do you?”
Despite my laugh, Kayla still avoided the spoon as if it was encrusted in grime. Giving up, I flung it aside and sighed into my hands.
“No way this is going to be easy,” I said.
Patting my slightly-bulging belly, I couldn’t wish for some kind of help. Not that Betty hadn’t said that she didn’t delight in the unexpected cousins growing up side-by-side. But she couldn’t always be there. I wanted to… no. I would make this work. Not to say that it wouldn’t be nice if…
“Now who’s that?” I asked.
Kissing Kayla’s head, I turned towards the sound of the light rap of my door and looked through the peephole.
“You have got to be kidding…”
My hand tensed at my side, and I thought of crawling towards the light, turning the apartment dark, anything and everything to avoid him. But Kayla’s squeal snuffed that idea out before it even started, and I resigned myself to looking into his eyes as I undid the latch.
“Dylan.”
Fighting to keep my voice cold and calm, I couldn’t help but take note of the fact that he looked an absolute wreck. Stubble dotted his cheeks, his eyes appeared bleary, and his hair seemed a stranger to the invention of the comb. A small part of me still wanted to touch him when I pressed my fingers to the doorframe and stared him down.
“Gabrielle?” he asked. “Can… can I talk to you for a second?”
As much as I wanted to…
“I’m with my niece,” I said. “Betty… she had something she had to take care of.”
Dylan peeked over my shoulders, and Kayla giggled and cooed as soon as she saw him. Turning my head quickly, he looked hopeful, and I couldn’t speak.
“But if…”
His eyes filled with hope as soon as they locked with mine, and I fought the urge to brush my finger just under his tired eyes as I shrugged my shoulders.
“If you can feed her,” I said. “You get your second.”
Dylan strolled towards the high chair and assumed my seat. His fingers trembled as he grasped the spoon.
“Dinner time,” he said. “Looks like your aunt’s whipped you up something real nice.”
Kayla would not bend. Whatever else he might say, maybe there was a method to his madness. Man like this, so broken, would never know what to do with a---
“Here,” he said. “Watch me.”
Dylan dipped his finger into the bowl, and he licked a slim strand of pureed green from his hand with a small smile.
“If I can do it,” he said. “Bet you’re like the real pro.”
He offered his hand to Kayla. She batted the
air and kept shaking her head, but Dylan didn’t blink until she accepted the literal promise of the hand there to feed her. As Kayla suckled happily, I found myself drawn back to his side, and I lightly touched his shoulder.
“Now why do I think you’ve done this before?” I asked.
“Guess because you have eyes in your head.”
I stayed silent as he fed Kayla from the tips of fingers, and when she finally seemed sleepy, I plucked her from her high chair and burped the baby against my back.
“That was a help,” I said. “I’ll… I’ll just put her down.”
“Sure thing,” he said as he patted Kayla’s tiny back and smiled sadly. “I’ll be waiting.”
As soon as the baby rested in the portable bassinet, I toyed with the notion of trying to do something with my hair, my face. But what did it matter? By now he’d seen me in all of my messy glory, and I settled for tucking my hair behind my ears as a I returned to the couch and found his toes tapping.
“So what’s this all about?” I asked. “Feeling guilty or---”
“For how we… for how I left things?” he asked. “No question about it.”
“Guess that’s something,” I said. “You’re still a little late coming back around.”
“Story of my life, Gabrielle.”
I sat carefully as I watched his palms pushing together. He looked smaller than I remembered, and I tried to touch his arm when he inched back.
“I… I can see that… that the other baby is starting to come along,” he said.
Just a bump, and I had yet to know what colors I should focus on when it came to the spare room destined to become a nursery. But coming along...?
“Feels like,” I said. “You… you here to just check in or what?”
His eyes brimmed as his hands moved to touch that kid, and I offered no resistance, watching his back stiffen as he moved towards the window, his fingers tensing against the glass.
“I told you about the girl,” he stared. “Pulling her out of the line of the fire.”
“Yes,” I said. “Something about an infection or---”
“Because I had to deliver that kid,” he said. “No meds. No way of making her comfortable. Just the kid coming. Like so fast. And… and when I tried to put him in her arms…”
