by Liv Morris
He says he’s going to marry me? I’m sure it’s to make me feel better. It wasn’t a proposal or anything. I stand there staring at him, with tears falling down my face and him holding me, like always. I know he loves me, but will he still feel this way when he knows the truth? He’s contractually obligated to be at these events. He’d have to have a damn good reason for cancelling. I still wanted to be enough for him to stay. I knew better.
I hug him again. “I love you, Garrett! We’ll be here waiting for you,” I say, trying to regain my composure before I walk back to the Jeep.
He walks me all the way back to the car, opens the door, buckles me in, kisses my head, waves to Sierra again, and closes my door. Oh dear Lord, I hope this isn’t the last time I’ll see or hear from this precious man. Losing him will possibly kill me.
Instead of going home we go to my brother’s. I’m not ready to walk into that empty house, yet. It feels so wrong. Over the past few weeks my house felt full of life again. I loved it. I know Garrett’s just on a trip, but so was Jed. This will never be easy.
Sierra is thrilled to visit her cousins. She hasn’t seen them in over a week, since we’ve been away in Nashville. We walk through the front door and I smell my sister in-law’s sauce and meatballs. It smells so good and I’m starving! Sierra runs off to play. Jason isn’t home from work. I walk into the kitchen and Kate’s sitting at the bar. “Hey, you. Was wondering when we’d see you. Did Garrett leave already?” I nod my head, but don’t say anything.
She opens the cabinet gets out 2 wine glasses and starts pouring. “None for me.” I say. She looks at me, startled. “No way,” she screams. I can’t deny it to Kate. She’ll know soon enough anyway and she’ll never forgive me if I lie. But she’s the best at keeping secrets. I know she won’t tell anyone. Not even Jason.
It’s not like she keeps everyone’s secrets from Jason. She doesn’t. But sometimes it’s necessary for Jason to not know things pertaining to Sierra and me, because it stresses him out, being the overprotective big brother that he is. This would certainly challenge his ability to stay calm. My brother worries too much about my well-being.
“Lex, start talking!” she badgers, replacing my glass of wine with a glass of ginger ale.
“Five weeks. I’ve been sick. He thinks it’s a bug. He left an hour ago. I didn’t tell him, but I begged him to stay. He says he’s changing my name when the tour’s over. Not sure he’ll still want that when he knows what’s growing in my belly.” I spill it all out for Kate.
“Holy shit! When did you find out? What the hell are you doing keeping that from him, Alexis?” I know it sounds awful. If I were watching this play out on some lifetime movie I’d definitely be calling myself a stupid cow!
“I know, but I didn’t want him to feel trapped. I’ll tell him after the tour is over, but I’m scared he’ll hate me! Please, don’t tell Jason. I don’t need him on my case right now.” I beg, and she nods in agreement.
“I don’t understand why you think he’d feel trapped. He wants a life with you. We all see that. He loves you, sweetie.” Kate tries to reassure me.
I just don’t understand why he loves me. I saw the girls last week falling at his feet. He could have any of them he wanted. “I know he does, but he deserves more than I can give him,” I say sadly.
Kate huffs. “Honey, you have got to stop thinking that what you’re offering him is less than anything else. You’re giving that man one of the best gifts in the world. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He loves you and your daughter. He knows how lucky he is. Mark my words.” I hope so.
My phone beeps.
Garret: I crazy love you! I crazy miss you! I crazy want to kiss your sweet face!
GUILT….GUILT…GUILT
Me: I love you, too. I’m at my brother and S-I-L’s for dinner. Didn’t want to go home without you yet!
At least this is true.
Garrett: Call me as soon as you drive home. I want to talk to you girls as you’re going home. I want it to feel like I’m there with you. I Love You, Lex!
Going home with him on the phone will never feel as good as having him there, but I’ll take what I can get.
Me: Ok. 1 hour. Love you way more, Garrett.
He doesn’t have any clue that being so sweet to me right now fills me with anxiety, because I’m keeping such a big secret. Please, dear Lord, let this man forgive me for this one day.
I had a voice mail from Garrett’s mom today wanting to know if she could have Sierra for a sleepover. They really love her! She’s never had grandparent figures in her life, except for Kate’s mom and dad, who’ve kind of just taken Sierra in as a package deal. I think I’ll see if she wants to go there next weekend. I want to talk to Garrett about it.
Kate feeds all the kids at the table and she put two plates on the bar for her and me, since Jason is running late. She’s drinking her wine and I’m still sipping the ginger ale. I sit at the bar, my plate in front of me, and the meatballs that smelled delightful earlier now make my stomach quake. “Oh no…” and I run off to the bathroom. For something that smells so good, it looks awful. I can’t possible eat that!
When I return to the bar, my amazing sister in-law has replaced my plate of meatballs and pasta with plain pasta and toast. This is more manageable. “Sorry Kate, I love your food, but not right now, I guess.”
She’s sympathetic, “I know. Just try and eat a little something. And keep drinking the ginger ale.”
Jason comes home after we eat. He and I have a few minutes to chat about our incompetent mother, who contacted me asking for money last week. It’s a really crappy situation, because I really just want her to fall off the face of the earth. But Jason, whose heart is sometimes bigger than his sense with her, keeps giving and giving and hoping for things to change. She’ll never stop asking if he doesn’t stop giving. Jason and I do agree that we don’t want her as an active part of our lives, so she’s never met her grandchildren. As badly as it sounds, I hope the day never comes that she does. I don’t want to be anywhere near her. Jason’s handled it he says, so for now she’s on the back burner.
We stay for a while after Jason gets home, so we can visit with him. I haven’t seen my bother in a couple weeks, which is a long time for us. It’s been well over the hour I told Garrett, but I’ll call him as soon as we get in the car.
We’re walking out to the car and Sierra says, “Mama, can we call my daddy now?” Holy shit! Please, dear God, give me the strength to have this conversation with my sweet child.
“Sweetie, Garrett’s not your daddy. Why are you saying that?” I ask, trying to remain calm, even though my heart is in my throat.
“Because, Mama, I prayed and God made him love me, so he’s my daddy now,” she says matter-of-factly.
“Baby, Garrett loves you because you’re amazing. He doesn’t need to be your daddy to love you.”
She shrugs “I know that, but he is my daddy!” That’s all there is to it. She’s not going to see this any other way. She’s just too young to understand.
I should talk to Garrett about this. I don’t want her to catch him off guard. He needs to be prepared to tell her that he doesn’t have to be her daddy to love her. He can just be her….shit, I don’t know, what is he to her?
Chapter 31
It’s been over two hours. I don’t want to bother her, but I’m getting worried. Leaving her today SUCKED! I’m not happy about being here. I know I’ve been a complete ass to everyone, but I don’t really care. We’re on the bus headed to New Orleans. Drew isn’t any happier to be here, and even Jon’s a bit pissy.
Eric, I think, is wishing he was anywhere else than here with us. He’s a party animal, and the rest of us have zero interest in screwing around. We usually like to hit a couple bars with the roadies to start off the tour, but tonight we were all anxious to get on the bus and make our phone calls. Our first show is tomorrow. We had our band meeting with the new manager. He was a nice enough guy. At least he won’t be givi
ng Lex any crap. We won’t tolerate that kind of shit. We’re brothers first, band members second. Family is first…always!
My phone rings in my pocket and I damn near rip it out of my jeans to hear her voice. “Sweetheart, are you okay?” I ask in a panic.
“Yes, can I put you on speaker? There’s this little blond haired, blue eyed girl following me around telling me you want to talk to her.”
I can her the smile in her voice and it calms me. “Yes. I do, I’m missing my girls…bad! Are you home, yet?”
She sighs, “Not yet, we’re pulling into the neighborhood now.” She switches the phone to speaker, and Sierra starts telling me how she beat her older cousin at checkers, just like Pops, my dad, taught her.
It made my parents life to hear Sierra call them her Mimi & Pops. Talk about over the moon grandparents. Sierra’s picture will be plastered all over their house by the time I get home.
The girls get home and keep me on speaker phone all through Sierra’s bath time, story time, and bedtime prayers. Sierra asks me to sing her song with her mama for her, and I do, of course. But I’m still working on my own song to sing to her every day. I want her to hear my words, not someone else’s. I’ve been playing with the lyrics and singing it to her. She seems to like it so far. I’m going to write one for her mama, too.
After Sierra is tucked in, Lex stays on the phone with me. I tell her about the show tomorrow night and how all the guys are doing. She asks how Drew’s holding up without Court and Gabe. He’s miserable, but it’s not much different than what I’m feeling. I tell her he’s constantly video chatting and waiting for photos from Court. Courtney doesn’t do needy well, so she’s going to blow soon.
She asks if I know anything about what’s going on with Jon and Whit. I don’t, but I suspect something, because he’s texting constantly. Whitney’s being vague with Lex about it, too.
“How are you feeling, sweetheart? Better?” I hope so. It worries me that she’s felt bad for this long.
“I still feel yucky. I couldn’t eat Kate’s meatball tonight, but I had a little plain pasta and toast.”
Shit. I hate that I can’t take care of her. I thought she was getting better. “Babe, do you want me to call my mom? You know she’d be there in a second to take care of you.” It’s the best idea I’ve had yet! My mom would kill to take care of her future daughter-in-law.
“Absolutely NOT, Garret, it’s just a virus! I’ll be better soon. Please don’t call your mom. I have more than enough help right now.” She’s probably right, but I’d feel better knowing it was my mom. Shit, I’ll wait and see how she is tomorrow.
“Your Mom called me today. She wants to have Sierra over for a sleepover. What do you think about that?” she asks curiously.
“Babe, I gave her your number. I thought you if wanted to go out with the girls, she could take care of Sierra for you. They loved having Sierra over the other day. I wish you could’ve seen them!”
“Me too. It’s nice that they like her. I’ll call Elizabeth tomorrow.” I pause, drawing in breath to give me strength for what I have to tell him next. “Garrett, I need to talk to you about something, but I want to preface it first with I have no idea how to fix this.”
This doesn’t sound good. What the hell? “Okay, Lex, tell me and let’s see if I can think of a fix, baby.” I’m glad she’s at least coming to me with a problem, instead of holding it in like normal.
“Sierra is calling you Daddy.” She says nervously. Shit...is that what’s wrong? Sierra’s been calling me her daddy for days. How has Lex not heard it until now? I know she heard it at the school. What’s wrong with that? I was thrilled! My parents have never been happier. I just don’t know how to make it real!
“Baby, is that a problem, because she’s been saying it for days? I know it’s not real, but I like it, and I can’t think of a better name. The only problem I see is I don’t know how to make it true for her, yet. I don’t want people to think I’m trying to take Jed’s place in her life,” I tell Lex, hoping that she won’t say that Sierra has to stop calling me Daddy.
“So, it doesn’t upset you? I tried to talk to her about it tonight, but it wasn’t well received. I’m sorry.”
Ugh! “Sweetheart. I love it. It makes me happy. You make me happy. She makes me happy. Please, let her just do what makes her comfortable. If to her I am Daddy, fantastic, that’s what I want. If she’d rather me just be her friend and be Garrett, I can deal with that, too. But I got to say, babe, Daddy makes me feel good.”
“You are a good man Garrett. I’m going to bed now, babe, I’m exhausted. Will you call me tomorrow?” I’ll be setting the alarm to call her before school and counting the minutes until then.
“Yes, babe, as soon as you wake up. I love you, sweetheart.”
“I know. Love you, too,” and she disconnects.
When I hang up the phone with Lex, Eric and Jon are playing their stupid, blow shit up, video games. I’m trying to be a team player, but I’m just not fucking happy to be here. I miss my girls. I walk to the fridge and pull out a beer then slap myself down in the chair to pout like a damn lovesick teenager. Jon looks at me and laughs, making me more pissed off. “Shut up, Fucker! You’ll get it one day and I won’t feel sorry for you one bit.”
Jon shakes his head. “Nah man. I can’t let any girl get in my head that way. It’d make me crazy, dude!” I know damn good and well something’s going down with Whitney, though. He checks his phone every ten seconds and is constantly texting. Right then his phone rings and he runs off to the bathroom in the back of the bus to hide.
“Yeah, in your head all right!” I yell out, and he lifts his arm over his back to flip me off. It’s got to be Whitney.
“I’m going to bed, dude,” I say to Eric.
“Damn, this tour is going to suck with all y’all pussy whipped bastards. I guess the only good part is I get first pick of all the hotties.”
“You can have them all. I want them all to stay the hell away from me.” I’ll do everything in my power to keep all those women at arm’s length. The last thing I need is Lex to have doubts about my commitment. My career already freaks her out.
I take my guitar and head back to the small room at the back of the bus. I need something to distract me from my misery. I want to be sleeping next to my girl, not here!
I start playing with some chords I’ve been working on about Sierra. That kid is too smart for her own good. She asks so many questions…really great ones. I’m often stumped by her inquisitiveness, but I always try to come up with an answer for her. I’ve been singing this to her in the mornings, and she’s giving me more and more lines every day.
The other day, she asked me, where do babies come from?
She looked at me earnestly, and waited for words of wisdom
I said to her, my little friend, babies come from love!
Questions That Children Ask, I never know just what to say….
Who Is God? Where is Heaven? Why does that man look that way?
I need some, some inspiration, I don’t want to let her down…
She looks to me for the answers…I do the best I know how.
I’m working on the song, and Drew comes in with his box of cheddar crackers. “What are you working on? I like it!”
I don’t even look up from my writing pad as I respond to him. “Sierra, that kid comes up with some crazy questions that make me damn proud!” I tell him about the hospital and her reference to how kids grow on love. She’s amazing.
“Damn, dude. You’d think she was yours! You’re like a big proud daddy right now,” he says.
“Yeah man…I think I am!”
Chapter 32
Garrett’s been gone over a week now. I miss him badly. We talk so many times throughout the day. He didn’t lie about that, and also true to his word I’ve never called him and had him not answer. He’s always available for Sierra and me, making anyone else wait for his attention.
Elizabeth picked up Sierra thi
s morning to take her to The Lowery Park Zoo and spend a night or two with her and James. I’m still sick, so it comes as a welcome reprieve. I think I need to go back to the doctor’s soon. This morning sickness has turned into all day sickness. I can barely keep any food down.
I’m supposed to go out with the girls tonight, but right now I have no energy. I’m going to have a nap before we go out. I’ll call the doctor after my nap.
I crawl into my bed and snuggle up with Garrett’s pillow. It still smells like him. I miss him terribly. I need to ask him to mail me his pillow now, so that when this one loses it’s Garrettness, I’ll have a back-up.
My phone chimes, but I’m so tired that I can’t even lift my arm to answer it. I fall back to sleep, telling myself I’ll call whoever it is back in just a few minutes.
It’s really dark in here, or maybe my eyes are still closed. I don’t know which it is, but I can’t bring myself to a conscious enough state to care. I need this sleep more than anything else. It’s feels like I’m catching up from years of deprivation.
It’s the phone chiming, again. I hope everyone’s okay, but I still can’t wake up enough to answer it. I fall back to sleep.
“Alexis…where are you?” I hear the yelling, but can’t really comprehend what’s happening. I’m half-awake, but I’m finding it really challenging to keep my eyes open. I’m being shaken gently. I open one eye half way. Whitney’s standing over me. “Alexis, oh my God. You’re so pale. Sweetie, I don't think you're okay. We have to get you to the hospital!” She’s dialing her phone before she finishes her last sentence. “Kate, it’s Whit. Lex is really sick! I don’t know, but she’s barely waking up…No…I can’t carry her…I’ll wait for Jason.” She says. “LEX, where’s Sierra?” she asks me.
“Elizabeth McKenna’s,” I answer, using the last ounce of strength I have. I’m too weak to deal with Whit’s freak out. I’m fine…just really tired. I don't even have the energy to tell her that Jason will come take care of me before I close my eyes and drift back off to sleep.
