by Liv Morris
“I need you to trust me, Slade.” He opens his eyes to look at me. “I need you to trust my judgment. I need you to trust me that I know what I can and can’t do.”
He raises his hands and brushes my hair to the side as he places his hands on my face. “I know what you just did.” A slow and sexy smile spreads across his face. “And although it felt amazing, it’s not going to work.”
My face hardens. “Slade,” I say, rather annoyed.
“Look, it’s not that I don’t trust your judgment, or that you can’t take care of yourself. The fact is, I want to take care of you.” He throws his head back, closing his eyes and makes a sound of frustration.
“It’s not your job—”
I squeal as he picks me up and lays me down next to him with our faces inches apart.
He runs his thumb back and forth over my bottom lip. “You have had to take care of yourself since your dad passed. I know you can do it and that you’re strong, but can’t you put enough trust in me and allow me to take care of you now?”
I feel my throat start to close up. “I can’t do that,” I whisper.
“Why not?” His brows furrow.
I can’t pretend anymore. I need to tell him what I’m feeling, no matter how much it hurts us. “Because I’m afraid.”
“Of what, Angel?” He runs his hands through my hair.
“Of us. If I let go...” I swallow. “Where will I be when this is over. I’ll be a wreck and—”
“I don’t want this to end.” He leans up on an elbow. “I know you have feelings for me, and I know you are trying to figure those feelings out, and that’s okay. I will give you all the time you need. I will prove to you that I want this. Us. I will wait for you, Angel, because you are worth waiting for. No matter how long the wait is, I will be right here with you, for you.”
I don’t think I can breathe. I love him, I know that. The question is, should I? I look up in those blue eyes, and I can see he’s telling the truth. Holly was right; he does love me. I look away from him and look to the ceiling.
“Angel?” I know he’s worried. I can tell by his voice, but I can’t look at him. Those eyes will make me say something that I may end up regretting in the end.
I sit up. The room is spinning, and my body feels rigid. I need some time. I just need a few moments without him. I haven’t spent one day without him in over a week. Maybe some time away will be good for us.
I get out of bed, and he doesn’t follow me. He continues to lay there, giving me my space. I go to the closet, get dressed, and throw my stuff in my bag, then go to get my stuff out of the bathroom.
I walk out of the bathroom to see him standing by his bed with a sad look on his face. I feel awful, and my heart is breaking. I just need to realize what my feelings mean to me. It took me a long time to fall for Jax, I have fallen head over heels for Slade very quickly, and that thought terrifies me.
I take a deep breath and walk over to him. “It’s not over. I just need some time to think, just time to be alone.”
He reaches down and grabs my free hand, lifting it to his mouth and giving it a soft kiss. “Okay, Angel. I’ll be here when you’re ready.” He drops my hand and pushes a piece of hair behind my ear.
I turn around and walk out of his room as a tear slides down my face.
What in the hell am I doing?
Why do I feel so torn?
Why can’t I let him take care of me?
I know the answer to that. If I give up everything to him, I will have to start all over when he leaves me. I will be that same weak girl lying on the floor of her bedroom crying. Crying for someone to want her, crying for someone to need her. I don’t want to go back there. Slade would take my heart, and I would never get it back. I would be a shell of a person without him.
I walk in my house and go straight to my room. I get undressed, pull on his shirt from out of my closet and lay in bed. I’m exhausted. I need some rest and some time to clear my head.
I let the tears fall on to my pillow. Isn’t love supposed to happen and you live happily ever after?
I close my eyes and all I see is his soft face, telling me he will wait. I don’t want him to have to wait for me.
With a shaky breath, I close my eyes tighter and drift off to sleep.
Chapter Seventeen
What the fuck was I thinking?
When I woke up, and she wasn’t here, I thought something serious had happened to her. Then, when I found out she was okay but hadn’t called me, I freaked. I know I shouldn’t have yelled at her, or cussed her out in Larry’s parking lot. She didn’t deserve that.
I sat in my office after she told me she was tired and was going to go to sleep, thinking how awful I had been and how I needed to apologize. Then, when I walked in my room to tell her I was sorry, I saw her sleeping on her stomach and I needed her. I needed to feel her under me. I needed to be balls deep inside of her. I needed to feel in control again. And let’s face it, sex is the only place she doesn’t mind giving me all control. And it was fucking amazing! I had cuddled up with her and fallen asleep, thinking everything was great again. I had planned on apologizing for everything after our nap, but I opened my mouth, and fucked things up all over again.
I run a hand through my hair and sit down on the side of the bed. How could this have happened? I thought letting her know how I felt would be a good thing. That it would reassure her of how much I love her. How could I have been so wrong? Once again, she tensed up and closed off. I can’t figure out if it’s her past that’s holding her back, or mine.
I lay back on the bed. I have never felt this confused. I have never been in a situation where I couldn’t figure out a solution. Then again, I don’t have any experience in the relationship department.
Is this what a broken heart feels like? Like your heart is being ripped out of your chest, and you can’t breathe without hurting?
I wish she would open up and tell me what I can do to fix it. She told me she was afraid of where she would be when this ended. She obviously thinks that I don’t love her that much.
My phone rings, interrupting my thoughts. The display tells me it’s Josh, so I hold it until it quits ringing, then put it on silent and lay it back down.
I need to get up and do something. I let my eyes look around the bathroom as I enter it to see all her stuff no longer there. It makes my heart clench in my chest. It’s only been twenty minutes. What if her needing space ends up being days? Or weeks even?
I could tell by the look on her face that she didn’t want to leave. I saw the tears in her eye before she turned to walk out. Why won’t she just give in and let herself love me? She is everything I never knew I wanted. How do I show her I can be everything she needs?
I walk back into the room and pick up my phone. I throw it on the bed, frustrated with myself. Did I really just check my phone to see if she has called or texted me already? She is stubborn. The most stubborn woman I have ever met. And I know no matter how much she wants to be with me, she will fight it. I’m not as strong as she is. I need her, and I will not be able to hold out seeing her as long as she can me.
I lay back down on the bed. I can still smell her, and it makes me want to hold my breath. I can still picture her laying there with her hair wild over her pillow and I close my eyes. How do I live without her now that I’ve had her? How do I get her to come back to me, now that she knows what I want from her?
I open my eyes and jump out of bed. I need a beer, or two. I walk myself to the kitchen and open the fridge. Pulling out a beer, I turn and look to the garage door.
I reach down and turn the knob. My car is the only one sitting there. That knot in my stomach comes back, knowing she is out there driving that little car of hers around.
I slam the door. I need to get my mind off of her. When she’s ready she’ll come back, and I will be waiting for her just like I said. But what do I do in the meantime to keep my mind off of her?
Going to the gym will do me some goo
d. While I drive there, my mind stays on Angel. Since the first time she called my cell phone, I’m always asking myself what to do when it comes to her. I’m always afraid that something I say or do will be the wrong thing and that it will jeopardize us.
I park outside of the gym and look down at my phone. I usually work out with Josh, but I’m just not in the mood to be around anyone right now. I don’t want to have to explain what I’m feeling, or why she said she needed time. I take a deep breath and get out of the car, putting my phone in my pocket. There’s no way I am letting it out of my sight. I don’t want to miss it when she does call.
I walk in and go straight to the locker room. I grab a fresh towel and head out to the floor.
“Slade.”
I turn around to look at a girl I don’t recognize. I turn around and continue walking over to the free weights.
“You are Slade, aren’t you? My friend Caroline has spoken of you before.”
I don’t recall a Caroline, so I continue to ignore her. Maybe she will go away.
“Anyway,” she continues as if I’m holding up my end of this one sided conversation, “do you want to get together later? We can do dinner or—”
Shit. She didn’t waste any time, did she? “Not interested.” There is no way in hell I’ll fuck up what I have with Angel. She may not be ready to admit to herself that she loves me, but I sure as hell know that I love her.
“Oh.” She can’t hide the surprise in her voice. “Well, we don’t have to do dinner. We can just go to my house or yours. It doesn’t matter to me.”
I shake my head as I turn around to face her. “I’m with someone. Like I said, I’m not interested.”
She puts her hands on her hips and gives me a playful smile. “I’ve heard about you. You don’t do anything more than a one night stand.”
I’m really tired of all these bitches thinking they know me just because one of their friends I once fucked told them something. I didn’t fuck every girl that wanted me. I fucked the girls that I wanted. There is a difference.
“If I wanted you, I would have already had you,” I say with a tight smile. I turn around to walk off, when she grabs my hand. I yank it out of her grasp in record time. “Leave me the fuck alone. I’m in a relationship.”
She frowns. “I’m sorry. I thought you were joking about being with someone.”
“Why would I lie about that? If I wanted to fuck you, I would, right here. I wouldn’t make up some excuse. But I don’t. I want nothing to do with you. So, once again, leave me the fuck alone.”
“Well, one thing’s for sure. You’re an ass! I feel sorry for whoever you’re with.” She turns and walks away with a scowl on her face.
I sigh as I sit down on the bench. That was really shitty of me to talk to her that way. I just needed to understand that I was being serious, I did not want her in any way. She was not my angel. I know girls like her; hell I used to only want girls like her. The kind that are willing to go to their knees or spread their legs, then go on their way afterwards without a backward glance. Not anymore. I chuckle to myself as I think of the first time I let my anger get the best of me with Angel. When I had called her a whore; she slapped the shit out of me. I call her my angel, but she is a spit fire. She is so feisty and hard headed. I love everything about her crazy emotions.
It’s been two days since I’ve seen Slade. He hasn’t even called or text me once. He said he would give me time, but I can’t help but think he’s letting me go. I’m sure he’s had calls and texts from girls in town who want to give him what he’s used to.
Sex.
I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. I haven’t eaten much, I haven’t slept much, I lay in bed tossing and turning, wanting him next to me, to snuggle up with me. Hell, I haven’t even had one drink of wine. I want to; I want to numb my body and my feelings, but I can’t do it. I need to stay level headed, no matter how painful it is, and if I bust out the wine, I’ll be crawling back to him. Plus, every time I move, I still feel the tightness in my muscles and joints from the last time we had sex, and I don’t want to numb that. I guess I would rather torture myself.
Can I let him in? Can I give up everything I am for him? I know that’s what he wants. He wants me to depend on him, not physically or financially, but emotionally. He wants me to completely give up my independence and love him with all I have. I want to, believe me, but I know his love for me is not the same love that I have for him. He’s never loved before, so how can he know that his love for me is real?
My heart is full of loneliness. It hurts to breathe. I’m wearing the first shirt he let me borrow; the one I wore home from his house the morning after our first night together. It smells just like him. I put it on as soon as I got home, and I haven’t taken it off. If I lie in bed and close my eyes, I can smell him. I cuddle up to a pillow and try to go to sleep imagining that it’s him, but my body and heart know the difference.
I need to talk to someone. I need someone to tell me the smart thing to do is walk away now before I get any deeper. I look at the cell phone that’s in my hand. I haven’t put it down. I keep hoping to hear something from him.
But nothing.
That should be my first hint.
I type in Kitty and see Courtney’s number appears on my screen. I almost give up, but she finally answers after several rings..
“Hey, Kitty,” I whisper as I feel tears run down my cheeks.
“Sis. What’s wrong?”
“I just need to talk to someone.” I choke back a sob.
“About what? What happened?”
I take in a deep breath before I fill her in on what’s wrong. I just hope she tells me what I need to hear, and not what I want to hear. “It’s Slade.”
“What did he do? Did you catch him with someone else? I will come down there and kick his ass, Sis.”
That makes me laugh. She couldn’t fight her way out of a brown paper bag. “No, there’s no one else that I know of.” I bury my head in my pillow, trying to rub the tears off of my face.
“Then what happened?” she demands.
“Well...” How do I explain this? “He pretty much told me he loved me. And he wants to take care of me. He wants to be the one I call when I need help, but you know me, Kitty. I don’t rely on anyone but myself. I don’t need someone controlling me and trying to be my dad.”
“Okay. I’m obviously missing something. There is a story of some sort behind this. Spill it.”
Like I said, she knows me all too well.
I fill her in about the night at the bar, the conversation afterwards, and the next morning. I leave out the sexual parts; she doesn’t want to hear all the details.
She stays silent for a while after I tell her the story.
“Courtney?” I don’t know if she hung up on me, or if I lost the connection. I pull the phone away from my ear. Nope. Still shows I have a connection. “Courtney?”
She sighs. Not a good sign. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Yes.” I close my eyes, knowing I’m not going to like it.
“When you called me after you broke up with Jax. You told me how he ignored you. How he would never tell you what he was up to. I know you’re not cheating on Slade, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt his feelings when you didn’t call him to inform him of your situation.”
I take in a deep breath. “Those were completely different circumstances. Slade knew where I was at, and I would have told him about the tire. I just didn’t feel the need to wake him up to come and hold my hand,” I say defensively. “He completely overreacted.”
“I agree with you. From what you said, he did overreact. I’m not saying what he did was right. I’m just saying that maybe he was scared and lashing out at you was the only way he could show you how much that situation terrified him. Maybe he’s like you and thinks the worse. He woke up in bed alone when you were supposed to be there.”
I roll over on my side as I recall myself thinking the same thing
before I called Slade looking for Jax. She’s right. I’m being a hypocrite, and that’s not fair to Slade.
Courtney interrupts my thoughts. “I guess I don’t understand. I know you love him, and he obviously loves you. Why are you denying yourself this?”
I close my eyes. “Because it won’t end like it did with Jax.” I take in a deep breath. “It will end worse,” I whisper.
“You don’t know that. I’m not telling you to tell him you love him. I’m just saying don’t run away from him. Yes, this could end badly. And if it does, I will be here for you to help you through it. But, Sam, this could be amazing. This could be the kind of love we used to read about in fairytales, or see in the Disney movies.” I laugh. She is always such a romantic at heart. “I’m being serious. Don’t rush anything. Just let it flow.”
“I don’t know.” I roll onto my stomach, feeling a little bit better.
“There’s no timeframe on love, Sis. It will happen, or it seems like it may have already happened. Slade has already let it happen. Don’t walk away just because you don’t like the feeling you get when you’re with him. It seems to me the feeling you have when you’re not with him is worse, it’s heartbreaking.”
That’s why I call her. Because she is amazing.
“I love you, Kitty. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Okay. Call me sooner if you need me.”
I hang up, thinking about what she just said. I scroll down to Slade’s name and just look at it. How has he become so important to me? The first time I called him, I didn’t even know who he was. I called him without hesitation. Now I know I love him, and yet I can’t bring myself to make that call.
I scroll down to my work number instead, telling them I can’t make it in tonight. I close my eyes, and I see him; those beautiful blue eyes that I’ve come to love. But right now, they torture me. I can’t quit picturing him with someone else. And speaking of someone else, what about Jessica? The bitch is not going to give up. How many other girls will I have to go through? I don’t know if I can do that.
