by Jolene Perry
I don’t sleep—at all. My alarm is in pieces on the floor, and my feet crush what’s left of my phone as I walk outside. I’m not looking forward to school…or anything.
The day passes in a blur. I know more than one person asks if I’m okay, but I don’t know who they are, if I like them, or if I even give a response.
Coach Carlson lets me swim on my own. I go back and forth across the pool, changing strokes but keeping the same steady rhythm. I don’t realize practice is over until the pool is empty and Coach blows his whistle calling my name.
Now that I’m home, I don’t want to be here. But I don’t want to be anywhere, so maybe that’s not a fair thing to say. Right now, three things are certain. Sarah left me. Dad left me. And Sky shut me out so completely that in a sense, she left me too—if she was ever actually here in the first place. Now I have to wonder what the hell I did to deserve this?
***
“Jameson, are you okay?” Mom asks, sitting next to me on the couch.
“What?” I look around. The TV is off and I’ve probably been staring at it for a while. It’s dark outside, and I’m not sure when that happened…the darkness or the blank TV.
“Are you okay?” Mom’s brows are pulled together, while her obvious concern pulls the edges of her mouth into a small frown.
“I don’t know.” I breathe out. “Can I borrow your phone?”
“Where’s yours?” she asks, pulling her cell from the front pocket of her jeans.
“In pieces on my bedroom floor.”
She opens her mouth to say something, but I hold a hand up between us.
“I know it was stupid, and I’ll pay for it.” Right now, I’d do just about anything to avoid a lecture.
“It’s not that. It just…” Her voice trails off and she briefly rubs my back before heading into the kitchen.
I dial my voicemail inbox. Do I want there to be a message from Sky? An apology? Or am I still too angry for it to do any good. Why does anger have to hurt this much? Hearing my Dad’s voice instead of Sky’s answers my question. I’m mad. Wow, anger really does hurt this much.
“Jameson, please answer your phone. We’re not together anymore, Jameson. Me and… Well, stop by the casino sometime or just call me back—anytime, it doesn’t matter.”
The next message is just more of the same.
“I spoke with your mom, and she’s okay with me coming to your state swim meet…that is, if you are. Please call me when you get a chance.”
There’s a sort of sad, lost tone to his voice that puts me on edge. I don’t want to feel sorry for my Dad. I use Mom’s phone to text him.
MY PHONE BRKN. YOU CAN COME, IF YOU COME ALONE.
Am I doing the right thing here? Or I am just creating a distraction? I actually don’t give a crap about the swim meet. I don’t care about graduation, or finals, or swim times or anything. All I know is that my family’s a mess and Sky’s thousands of miles away and…shit, I wish it all didn’t hurt so much.
TWENTY-THREE
Third period English; where I sit next to Sarah. I’m not even sure how I feel about it anymore. I walk in just before the bell rings, giving us less time to chat.
She leans over anyway. “You look terrible. What’s up?”
I lean toward her slightly. Can I just say it? “Sky’s back with her family and…I’m not sure if she’s coming back.”
“Oh…” Sarah’s face looks confused. She’s still watching me too closely. I can’t read her expression at all. And now I’m not sure why I even try to understand girls.
“I’m fine.” I say, leaning back.
“So, did you break up?”
Break…broken…it all seems so final. “I don’t know what we are right now.” It sucks, but it’s the truth.
Sarah reaches over and does the little scratch on my back that she used to do before Eric. “Sorry,” she whispers, as our teacher starts class.
Sorry? Yeah, me too…
***
The stands are packed for the state finals. Dad’s in the stands, way off to the side. Mom is sitting right behind the team, as usual. Sarah won’t even look at me. Apparently I’m “just Jameson” and have to be ignored because I’m practically naked.
Once I’m on the stand, ready to jump, my brain is where it should be. My dive in is perfect. I feel it…I know it. I get a good start, and it propels me forward. I don’t think—I just swim. Nirvana plays in my head over and over. The first turn is perfect, my body knows how to do this. I pull and push harder than I ever have before. One more turn to go. I nail it. I’m not thinking. My body is working, as hard as it can.
I touch the end. I pull myself out of the water knowing that I won state. My two goals for swimming are met. I broke the record…and now I see I’ve broken it again…and I won state. Shouldn’t I feel lighter? Better?
Mom’s cheering and I give her a wave as I stand up to grab a towel. I shake a few hands then look at the far side of the stands trying to find my Dad.
“Great job, Jameson.” Sarah sticks out her hand. She looks thrilled, but uncertain.
Her outstretched hand feels like an insult. After three years, we should be closer than this. And just to torture myself, I imagine what Sky’s reaction would be if she were here. She’d be cheering me on waving her lean brown arms next to Mom. I try to shake this picture before sliding a pair of shorts over my swim gear.
“Nice job!” Coach slaps me on the back. “Well done, Jameson.”
“Thanks.” It feels good to see the excitement in his eyes over what I just accomplished.
“Honey! I’m so proud of you!” Mom wraps her arms around me. I catch Dad in the background.
“Thanks, Mom.” I jerk my chin up toward Dad. “I’ll be right back.”
She doesn’t look back. She knows Dad is here. “Okay,” she says, sitting down in her seat to wait for me. A few people I don’t know shake my hand as I weave my way through the stands to Dad.
“Nice job, Jay.” He reaches out his hand.
We shake, a good hard shake. “Thanks.”
And now we’re standing, silent, staring at one another. It feels weird.
“I guess this is kind of odd, huh?”
“Yeah.” What’s funny is that we just saw each other on the night of the Prom. But I was way too distracted to even think about talking to him. Now it feels weird because he’s my Dad, and I have nothing to say.
“Well, I’ll let you get back to your mom.” Your mom…there it is again. “It was nice seeing you, maybe you could drop in on me at work this week?”
“Yeah, maybe.” I turn and make my way back through the crowd to Mom. I don’t even really feel like celebrating.
At the beginning of the year…no, just a couple of months ago…I would have thought this would be the best moment of my life, instead it’s just a reminder of how screwed up everything is. I’m angry that I’m not able to enjoy my victory the way I thought I would. Instead, I’m afraid to hug Sarah. I’m afraid to show too much affection to either of my parents while the other hovers in the background. I’m afraid to call Sky. This should have been the pinnacle of my high school career—winning the state title. But all I can think about is that Sky has a daughter she never told me about, and that she thinks I have unresolved feelings when it comes to Sarah.
Well, I’ll show her. I’ll get my end all taken care of. Then this distance between us won’t be my fault anymore. It will be hers. Her transgression is way worse than mine. Everyone likes more than one person, but not everyone has a kid they’ve lied about.
Sarah’s bright smile catches the corner of my eye, and I wonder how I’m supposed to go about telling a girl that I used to like her without it sounding really bizarre.
***
I step into school on the Monday morning after the meet. We’re in the final two weeks of senior year, and schoolwork is the last thing on my mind. I swing into Mr. Carlson’s room, but he’s gone. But Sarah’s in here alone. Perfect. I can do this. I’ll straighten out my
end of unresolved issues right now.
“Hey, Jamesy.” She looks up from her homework.
I sit in the seat in front and turn to face her.
“What’s up?”
“I need to tell you something.” Best to just say it, right? My nerves are raw from life in general. I still feel like I can’t breathe. I might as well get everything out in the open.
“O-kay…” She sets her pencil down and her large blue eyes look up at me.
How do I feel about them now…about her? Her sweetness hits me. My feelings for her are still there, at least a little. Is it just that feeling this way about her has become normal, or is it something more? “I’ve been in love with you for three years.”
She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out.
I take a deep breath. “I just felt like you should know.” Wow, is that lame.
“I…”
I shake my head. “No, don’t worry. I know you don’t feel the same way, and it’s fine. It’s just that, for me, it’s been kind of hanging out there for a while and I wanted to clear things up before we graduated and everything. But I guess I want to make sure that we’re still friends.”
“We’re still friends.” She looks shocked, stunned. Her face is sort of blank, and her eyes are wide.
I stand up. “I’m sorry to dump that on you just before school starts. I’m good. It’s all okay.” That last line is a total lie. My conversation with Sky is ripping out my insides, and telling Sarah how I felt didn’t give me the relief I needed (or thought it would). Now it’s just out there, and it’ll probably just make our friendship more awkward than ever.
What I need to do is to call Sky and tell her that I finally told Sarah. Maybe she has something she can do to make up for lying to me. The fact that she didn’t trust me enough to tell me she had a daughter still crushes me. She never even tried to explain, or make me understand. Should I be this angry about it? Am I overreacting? It just sucks. It sucks because I shared my whole life with Sky. I laid it all out on the table, and the girl who demanded honesty in all things kept the biggest part of her life from me.
How am I going to get through the rest of the day?
I step into third period English, well aware that I’ll be sitting next to Sarah. But she never shows up. I don’t see her at lunch and when I’m by the pool for the swim team’s last get-together, she isn’t there either.
I know it’s not a coincidence that she disappeared right after we spoke. I guess I really did lose my best friend. It hurts, but no part of losing Sarah compares to the hole left by Sky.
***
I’m not sure of Dad’s work schedule, but I take the bus downtown anyway. I thought he could walk with me to get a new phone. There has to be a million cell phone stores within walking distance of the Paris Hotel.
It’s a sad commentary that I feel like Dad and I needed a quest, or something to do, in order to make being around each other tolerable. I walk in and Dad’s eyes catch mine. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe that talking to my own dad suddenly seems like such a big deal. I see him make a quick call, shake hands with some guy taking his place, before walking over to me.
Dad doesn’t hesitate in pulling me into a hug. I’m not sure what to do with myself. “I’m glad you came.” His voice is gruff.
I’m not exactly thrilled with the situation. “I needed a new phone and thought you could walk with me or something.”
He nods and follows as I head outside. “I’m proud of your swimming, Jay.” His hand rubs my back.
“Thanks.” I nod.
“Are you getting excited about graduation?”
What a generic conversation. It’s uncomfortable, but I don’t know how to let down my guard around him. “I guess.”
“What happened to your old phone?”
Such an innocent question, but it really sets me on edge.
“Did I strike a nerve there?” Dad chuckles. Such a typical Dad response—normally it would loosen me up so I would feel comfortable enough to tell him anything, but I still don’t even know if I want to be here.
We’re in front of the Aladdin Hotel. “I thought we could check here.” I open the door.
Dad steps in front of me to go inside, but he’s quiet now. His face looks sad, but I’m not sure.
“How’s your mom?”
I sigh. “Okay, I guess.” This is where I kind of want to scream at him. Instead I walk at the most normal pace I can.
He nods. “I’m not seeing that woman anymore, Jameson. I just wanted you to know that.”
“So, that sort of takes away your reason for leaving doesn’t it?” My voice sounds hard, mean even. Definitely more grown up than I ever thought it could.
He lets out another breath, as if deciding what he’s going to say next. “I just, I guess I didn’t want you to feel like…”
“Like what?” I stop. “Like you walked out on us? Like you found someone better and wanted to trade up? How the hell am I supposed to feel?”
He rubs his forehead with his hand. “I don’t know.”
“Dad, just…just go back to work. We’re not getting anywhere. My whole life has gone to shit. I was stupid to come here and think things between us would be normal.” I’m not sure if I make sense or not, but talking to Dad isn’t what it used to be, and I shouldn’t have expected anything more.
“Jameson…” But he doesn’t know what to say either. “Thanks for coming to see me.” He pulls out some cash and holds it out to me. “For your phone.”
“Don’t worry, I got it.” I turn and walk away.
Do I still feel like we’re on opposite sides? Like his money’s dirty, just because he doesn’t live with us anymore? I realize as I step into the store—yeah, that’s exactly how it feels. The realization sucks.
TWENTY-FOUR
It’s Tuesday morning, and I still haven’t seen Sarah. Matt walks to my locker while I’m dumping my pack before class.
“What did you and Sarah talk about?” He keeps his voice low and leans against a locker.
“What? Why?” Did I sound weird just then?
“It’s not a big deal, but Kaylee said that you two talked and then Sarah went home. She’s home sick again today.” His voice isn’t accusatory, just curious.
The problem is that I like Matt, but I’m not positive he knows how to keep things to himself. “I have no idea, just school stuff.” I shrug.
I know I should probably call Sarah to make sure there’s no weirdness between us, but I’m not sure how to start that conversation. Making up with people obviously isn’t one of my strengths—Dad and I have nothing but awkwardness, and Sky still hasn’t called me back.
***
When I get home from school, Mom’s already there. “What’s up?” I ask as I drop my pack by the kitchen door.
“Jameson, you have enough problems of your own right now. I don’t want to burden you with anything else.” She smiles pulling lemonade from the fridge.
“So, something’s going on, and I’d honestly rather just know about it than wonder what it is.” I lean against the counter watching her fill a glass. Seriously, what else could go wrong?
She sighs. “Your father wants to come home.”
“Oh…” I mean, it’s lame, but I should say something, right? A few weeks ago, I would have been thrilled, but now Mom and I are doing okay. I already figured, instead of going to college I could stick around for a year or two, and get a full-time job to help pay the bills.
“Yeah, oh…my thoughts exactly.” She stuffs the lemonade back in the fridge.
I want to ask her more, but this is really the kind of thing that she should be talking to her sister about, or a friend—not her son.
“How are things with you?” she asks.
I’m tempted to tell her about Sky’s baby, but I keep it to myself. “I just can’t believe high school’s almost over.”
“You’re right. It went by way too fast.” Mom smiles.
“Maybe for you…” I push myself off the counter and head for the pantry.
“Dad said the two of you talked yesterday.”
I rummage around for the crackers and peanut butter.
“And that it didn’t go well…” Her voice sounds too smooth, too even. She doesn’t want me to know how she feels about Dad and I not getting along.
“Not really, no.”
“Is it because you’re trying to stick up for me when you’re around him?” I hear her weight shift.
I’ve found my snack, but pretend to keep searching so I don’t have to look at her.
“Because no matter what your father did, he’s still your father. I think you should make an effort to keep him in your life.”
“Why? So I can end up just like him?” I’m sure that was too harsh.
“No, of course not.” Her voice is clipped, impatient.
I turn to face her.
“You have an understanding of the people around you that your father just doesn’t have. Well, he has it, but it doesn’t come with the feeling and compassion that yours does.”
“You’re making me feel like a girl, Mom.”
She laughs. And I can breathe again.
“No. I think your broken phone and the hole in my wall are proof enough of your manliness.” She chuckles.
“What are you going to do?”
“I have absolutely no idea.” She pushes herself away from the counter. “But right now, I’m going to go lay by the pool and try to think about something else.”
“Good luck with that.” That method has left me high and dry with my head still spinning.
TWENTY-FIVE
The last day of school for seniors is earlier than the underclassmen, and most of us have checked out already—both logistically and mentally. Classes are either final exams, or just hanging out listening to music and writing in one another’s yearbooks. I’ve mastered a pretty good game face since I talked to Sarah a few days ago, and I’m maintaining it pretty well.
I hit third period and there’s still no sign of Sarah. I should probably call her. She shouldn’t be missing out on her last days of high school, just because she feels awkward around me. Is it so horrible that I liked her? We should at least be able to talk about it—if we’re still friends.
