by Lyn Denison
Copyright © 2011 by Lyn Denison
Bella Books, Inc.
P.O. Box 10543
Tallahassee, FL 32302
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, without permission in writing from the publisher.
First published 2011
Editor: Anna Chinappi
Cover Designer: Linda Callaghan
ISBN 13: 978-1-59493-253-3
Other Bella Books by Lyn Denison
Always and Forever
Dream Lover
Dreams Found
The Feel of Forever
Gold Fever
Past Remembering
For Glennie
My LT
For putting up with me all these wonderful years
For Gayle R for her encouragement
And to the wonderful readers
who have contacted me
to tell me they’ve enjoyed my books,
I thank you muchly…
Chapter One
“There are no straight highways in life you know.”
Katrin Oldfield murmured noncommittally as she picked up the coffeepot.
“And,” continued her friend Em, “you are definitely at a fork in your road.”
“A fork in my road? Do you think?” Kat asked with a faint smile.
“Mmm.” Em nodded her head and her dark curls danced. “And it’s a major fork. You have to make a choice. A very important choice.”
“Choice?” Kat grimaced. “Can we not use the choice word? I have all sorts of trouble with that particular word.”
“It’s not the word, it’s the action. Choice with a capital C.” Em nodded knowingly. “Oh, yes, good old choices. We all have to make them.”
Kat noisily stirred sugar into her friend’s coffee.
“We don’t always make good choices either,” Em continued.
“Okay, Em. Enough. You don’t have to tell me I make bad choices. I’m the queen of bad choices. I acknowledge that.” Kat placed two mugs of coffee on the table and sat down opposite her friend. “Now, can we change the subject? Have a TimTam. They’re your favorites.”
“What makes you think chocolate biscuits are going to distract me?” Em reached out for one of the cookies. She took a bite and murmured appreciatively. “Mind you, it wouldn’t be difficult.” She took another bite. “Have you tried drawing your coffee up through your biscuit?”
Kat looked askance.
“You nibble a bit off the top. Then you nibble a bit off the bottom. Dip the bottom in your coffee and draw the coffee up through the biscuit. When your fingers get warm you pop the biscuit in your mouth. It’s just,” Em sighed, “divine.”
“It sounds extremely messy to me.”
“It can be if you’re not quick enough. You see, it’s all in the timing. But believe me, Kat, it’s definitely better than sex. No false advertising there.”
Kat laughed softly and shook her head. “Sounds intriguing, but I think I’ll stick with the traditional.” She chose a cookie. “But they’re very more-ish, I’ll give you that. Have you tried the new flavors? Double chocolate? Chewy caramel?”
“I’m not distracted, Kat. But good try. Now, we were talking about you.”
“Far too boring at the moment, Em. In fact, far too boring, period.”
“Are you kidding? Boring is not a word anyone would ever use in conjunction with you, Kat. Or me, for that matter. We are a couple of the world’s more interesting people, wouldn’t you say?”
Kat shook her head skeptically. “You are such a drama queen!”
Em gave a regal wave of her hand. “I know I am. But, that aside, I’m still your best friend. Would I lie to you?”
Kat laughed again. “Well, you are my best and oldest friend and you’re nothing if not honest. Some would say that occasionally you’re brutally honest.”
“Now, now, Kat! Brutal is stretching it. But okay, it’s settled that I’m honest, and I’m telling you you aren’t at all boring. So. Now we can talk about your bad choices.”
Kat rubbed at the rainbow flag insignia on her coffee mug. “I’m not sure I’m up to that today. I feel down enough without more verbal self-flagellation.”
Em raised her eyebrows. “Wait while I process that. Have you got a dictionary handy?”
“You know what I mean, Em. I feel bad about how my life’s going at the moment. Can’t you just let me wallow for a while?”
“It’s not healthy.”
“I’m healthy as a horse.”
“We’re talking emotional health here.”
“I’m not doing emotional at the moment, Em. Too stressful. And I’m too tired.”
“I know, love,” Em commiserated. “But you can’t let broken relationships do this to you.”
“My life is broken relationships. A whole string of them.”
“Kat, you’re thirty-four years old, and you’ve had two broken relationships. That’s not bad. I had four before I found Joe.”
“Yes, but you were the breaker. I’m the broken. It makes a difference.”
“Mmm.” Em gave that some thought. “Okay. Now who’s being brutally honest?”
“I didn’t mean—”
Em waved another chocolate biscuit. “I know what you meant. And there’s a lesson here. You need a relationship where you call all the shots for a change. It’s time for some meaningless sex.”
Kat’s eyes widened. “Mary Margaret Martin, what are you saying? Your mother would wash your mouth out with soap.”
“Jeez, Kat. Don’t even think about telling her what I said. She’ll torture me for years. At least I didn’t use the F-word.”
“You never do, goody two-shoes.”
Em stuck out her tongue at Kat. “Well, I don’t care for that ugly word. Using it repeatedly shows a distinct lack of vocabulary.”
“Give me strength. Once a schoolteacher, always a schoolteacher. I feel a great deal of sympathy for your students.”
“My kids just love me. I give them boundaries.” She waved her finger at Kat. “And don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to, missy. You’re trying to distract me again, and it’s not going to happen. We were, as I recall, talking about sex.”
“Or the lack thereof,” Kat muttered.
“There have been documented surveys that indicate the lack of sex can make a person irritable and/or lethargic or even loud and aggressive. I wouldn’t say the last one was you, but you are lethargic and somewhat irritable.”
“Documented surveys? In what?” Kat feigned heavy thought. “Let me see. It would have to be the by-product of an article with a title like How to Please Your Man for, say, the Testosterone Times. Am I right?”
Em giggled. “Probably was something like that. But, Kat, you do need some human contact. Go out there. Mix. Get some action.”
“Not interested, Em. I’ve had enough of the sort of action you mean.”
Em sighed. “I know how hurt you were when Shael called off your relationship, Kat,” she said gently. “But you can’t just keep dwelling on it. It’s not good for you and, well, I worry about you. Just look at yourself. You’ve lost weight. Too much weight. You’re almost catwalk material now.”
Kat raised her hands and let them fall. “And that’s bad? Some women would kill for a supermodel body. Which is an exaggeration when applied to me, and you know it.”
“They might think they’d kill for a string bean body but, you know, real people, and I’m talking men and women, prefer a firm healthy body. That doesn’t always mean wraithlike. It depends on your body type. It’s in your genes. Now, some people would call me fat, but I just consider myself to be the correct weight for my genetic
makeup.” Em took a breath.
“Joe wouldn’t have it any other way,” Kat said quickly, taking advantage of the nanosecond of silence.
“Right. Joe wouldn’t want to change me because he loves me. But that’s beside the point. Being as thin as you are isn’t right for you, Kat. Not health-wise. And that’s what’s worrying me. You can’t be eating properly.”
Kat shrugged. “I eat when I’m hungry.” She sighed, knowing her jeans were loose on her hips. “Sometimes it’s too much trouble to cook for one. And I was never into cooking anyway.”
“Then cook for three and freeze the leftovers for another day.”
A flash of pain clutched at Kat’s heart, and she flinched.
“Oh, Kat.” Em reached across and took Kat’s hand sympathetically. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it came out.”
“I miss her, Em,” Kat said softly.
“I know, love. But I just wish Shael had been deserving of your love.”
“Actually, I wasn’t thinking about Shael. I guess our relationship was over four years ago, long before she met Tori, when she had that fling—and that’s how Shael described it—with her personal trainer. She said it was a moment’s lapse in judgment on her part. That it was a once-off. I believed her, because I wanted to believe her. She said it wouldn’t happen again, and I gave her another chance. I know I shouldn’t have let her sweet talk me into that.” Kat shook her head. “But she held the ace back then, Em, and she knew it. She still does—and always will.”
Em nodded. “Megghan.”
“She was eight months old when Shael and I got together. I’ve helped raise her. I’ve been part of her life for ten years, and I couldn’t love her more if I’d given birth to her myself. But I didn’t. Shael did. That’s the bottom line.” A tear rolled down Kat’s cheek and she dashed it away. “I just miss her so much. Those funny little jokes she loves to tell. The books we read together. It’s cut my heart out, Em.”
Em stood up and came around the small table. She enveloped Kat in a warm hug, holding her, murmuring soothingly, letting Kat sob. Eventually Kat pushed away, pulled some tissues from the box on the table. She blew her nose and grimaced.
“Sorry. I just can’t seem to lift myself out of this, Em. And I can’t even bring Meggie here for a weekend because the place is so horrible.” She looked around at the small dingy flat. “And I can’t move into a new place until we sort out all our finances and the house.” Kat sighed brokenly. “I don’t want to force Shael to sell the house either. It’s Meggie’s home.”
“Surely Shael can float you enough cash to get a better flat now. Why in heaven’s name did you allow her to put your bank account in her name only.”
“I trusted her. I still do in that respect. I know she’ll give me my money eventually. She’s just playing her control games. Besides, she’ll have to hand it over when everything’s settled.”
Em shook her head. “And until then you have to exist in this place.” Em shuddered. “If not Shael, I wish you’d let me help you out.”
“Thanks, Em. I appreciate the offer, but I’m not destitute. Not quite, anyway. I’ve opened a new account for my wages, and I have a bit of cash put aside from my grandmother’s estate. It was just that I had to find somewhere to live quickly and the rental market has more demand than supply just now. This was all there was available near work and near Meggie.” She gave a rueful laugh. “At least I do get to take Meggie out at the weekend, and we talk on the phone all the time.”
“And I suppose the time you spend with Meggie is when it suits Shael?”
“I’ll take any time with Meggie I can get.”
“How does Meggie feel about all this?” Em asked.
Kat bit her lip. “She thinks it sucks, as she puts it, but she knows things are at a stalemate at the moment.”
They sat down again, and Kat topped up their coffee. “I’m just—” She paused. “Concerned. About the custody of Meggie. I don’t want Shael to stop me seeing her.”
“Would she do that?” Em asked with a frown.
Kat shrugged. “She is Meggie’s biological mother. She has the final word.”
Em muttered derogatorily. “I could use the F-word right about now.”
Kat gave a faint smile and Em muttered again.
“I know it’s difficult, Kat, but you know that making yourself ill isn’t going to help Megghan. Your breakup hasn’t been easy on her, and I’d say what she needs at the moment is you, Kat. You healthy and business as usual. Even if it’s only for a few hours at a time.”
Kat nodded. “I know that, Em. You’re right. Maybe you should just tell me it will get easier with time. That’s what everyone else tells me,” Kat added bitterly.
“I’m not everyone else. I’m Em. I’m like a sister to you. We’ve known each other since we were five years old.”
“I’m sorry, Em. I—” Kat made an appeasing movement with her hand.
“It won’t be easy, love. Divorce never is, straight or gay or lesbian. But it’s definitely not going to get any easier if you don’t want it to. You have to choose to make it so. I’m afraid this is where the dreaded choice comes into play. As I see it, you have two choices here. Keep on wallowing or pull yourself out of it.”
A spurt of anger had Kat sitting straighter in her chair, her dark eyes flashing, and Em looked pleased.
“It’s such a relief to see you’re still in there, love. The real Katrin Oldfield.”
Kat laughed mirthlessly. “The real Katrin Oldfield? I’m not sure I know her anymore.”
“I remember her. The come-out-fighting Kat who wouldn’t give in before the battle begins,” Em said passionately. “These past few years I thought I’d lost her.”
“And I could ask about the real Mary Margaret Martin?” Kat countered wryly. “I thought you were a lover, not a fighter?”
“I was. I still am but,” she shrugged, “needs must, as they say. And at the expense of repeating myself, what you need is some therapeutic loving, otherwise known as meaningless sex. Go out to one of your lesbian venues. Find some willing woman who’s looking for the same thing and doesn’t mind someone skinny but still sexy and, well, I’ll leave the rest to you.”
“Em, give it up. I’m not interested in another relationship, meaningless or otherwise. I’ve had two and stuffed them both up. I’m a bad risk. I can’t do relationships apparently.”
“Kat! I’m not talking relationship. Surely there are lesbians around who just want an uncomplicated bit of the old X-rated no strings attached.”
“X-rated?” Kat repeated. “Meaningless, uncomplicated sex? And what would you know about all that, you good Catholic girl, you? I seem to recall, and correct me if I’m wrong, that you were the one who always advocated no sex before marriage. True or false?”
“It just happens to work for me,” Em said defensively. “Why do you think I’ve been married three times? But you, Kat, are a different matter.”
“One of the lucky ones who can have sex before marriage, I take it!” Kat remarked dryly.
“Not what I meant and you know it, missy. I mean that at the moment I think you need something, or someone, to boost your confidence, a shot of adrenaline for your flagging self-esteem, so to speak.”
“And sex will do that?” Kat laughed despite herself.
“Absolutely,” Em declared with conviction.
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. I’m shocked. Where has the aforementioned good Catholic girl disappeared to?” Kat waved her finger at Em. “You just make sure you mention all this at your next confession, Mary Margaret Martin.”
“I’m not talking promiscuous. I’m talking, well, medicinal.” Em grinned. “But if it helps you, my best friend, then that one confession will be worth it.”
“It should surely give Father David a thrill. Be sure to be particularly graphic.”
“Kat! Stop!” Em put her fingers in her ears. “I’m not listening.”
Kat chuckled and Em
laughed too. She shook her head. “You’re a rat, Kat. Father David’s coming for dinner Saturday night. How am I going to look him in the face? Because I’m going to be thinking about this, you can be sure.”
“I could almost wish I could be there to see it,” Kat said, highly amused.
“You can come if you like. For some unknown reason Father David’s very fond of you.”
“I’m sure he is,” Kat remarked dryly. “He’s convinced I’m a card-carrying member of Agnostics Anonymous, and it’s given him a mission.”
“Don’t give me that agnostic stuff, Kat. You came to church with me quite often when we were kids. I always felt very pious because I’d collected the most brownie points bringing a Protestant to Mass.”
They laughed together and chatted on about the old days.
“What’s the name of that cute-looking woman I met at the kids concert last month?” Em asked as Kat refilled their coffee cups.
She frowned. “What concert? Meggie’s end-of-term one I dragged you to?”
“Yes. In the Hawaiian segment where Meggie wore that grass skirt. The cute woman’s son was standing beside Meggie.”
Kat frowned again.
“She had on black jeans and a black tank top. The cute woman, I mean. Nice figure. Muscles, nicely defined. Come-to-bed brown eyes.”
“And you tell me you’re straight? Sure you haven’t come over to the dark side?”
“No. I haven’t. And I still can’t see what’s so bad about hetero sex. Whoever set the design for it in stone had to have had a sense of humor, but all that aside it still feels pretty good.”
“And I keep telling you to try a woman and pretty good will become absolutely fantastic.”
“So you do persist in telling me. And I promise if I do decide to give it a trial run I’ll come looking for you. Only you.”
“Be still my beating heart!” Kat grimaced. “As great as it would be, I wouldn’t be able to cope with the hurt look on Joe’s face.”
Em threw back her head and laughed. “That makes two of us. So. You stay on the rainbow tracks, and I stay on the straight and apparently narrow.”
