“So it worked out in the end, after all? I mean, other than the fact that Lindsey’s kitchen looks like someone took a flamethrower to it and you two were hospitalized for heat exhaustion. Seriously, did I forget anything?”
Gertie started to laugh about it. “He took me out to breakfast and I got his number. His name is Brad. Oh, Leigh, I don’t even know what to say. He really is a sweet guy, but what I really like is the fact that he makes me feel like I’m standing in front of a buffet of delicious food. And I don’t even know where to start, which is a little problem. Guys, dating, romance, and especially sex, it’s all new to me. Back in the 1870s I was probably on my way to spinsterhood. I was a seamstress and housekeeper from the poorest of Irish immigrants. Actually, I was getting too old to still be single. Now here I am in this wonderful world, but as far as being a woman, if you know what I mean by that, in this day—I’ve got a lot to learn about it.”
“I think it’s sweet and so are you Gertie. Don’t worry, we’ll help you out with every bit of advice we’ve been given. The same advice that has failed us time and again!”
Chapter Eighteen
Time for Me to Fly
It was almost noon on Sunday when I woke up. Hunter got up and after a bit headed to the shower. It gave me a minute to think. Although, that’s probably the worst thing a person can do early on in a hot and heavy relationship. My heart was going full steam ahead and it could care less what my brain was saying. It was giving it the finger as it zipped passed it, shouting at it to get out of the way, completely ignoring all caution signs and exits along the way. Heartbreak Drive Exit 42, Rejection Road Exit 45, Surprise Baggage Boulevard Exit 60, Unplanned Pregnancy Exit 80, Happily Ever After Avenue Exit 100.
Did I need to step back a bit and figure out where I thought this was all going? Did I have expectations of something permanent? I hadn’t discussed it with Hunter. How do you do that anyway? I’ve only just met the guy this summer. Do I just straight out ask him? Oh, Hunter, I have something to ask you. Do you see us getting married at some point, preferably earlier than later? How about children? I want more than one, how about you? What do you think of big weddings by the way? Talk about scaring someone off. Hell, I was scaring myself off.
I should have probably put out some sort of expectations for Hunter, so that he at least knew I wasn’t just doing this for the great sex before I threw my heart out in the air like it was a Frisbee. Well, yes, I was doing it for the great sex. I was also hoping for so much more, and all the signs seemed to be pointing that I had every reason to be hopeful. I already learned something, something that made me sit back and sip on my tea and feel wise: Sometimes it is easier to hang onto the hope that your assumptions were right. You assume he feels the same way you do. Then I heard the voice of my Dad. You know what they say when you assume something, Leigh? It makes an ass out of you and me. I found myself talking out loud. “I’ve heard you say that a million times, Dad.” Rather than just ask Hunter about where we were and where we might be going with us, I went with my assumptions.
Hunter stepped out of the shower and came out into the kitchen. He had nothing more on than a towel around his waist. Great sex, that’s just fine for me. After he leaned down to kiss me, all of my earlier worries faded away. He walked behind me and massaged my shoulders, occasionally stopping to nibble on my neck and ears. Slowly, he came around to my side and the towel dropped to his feet. Hunter was now a naughty tease.
“Shoot! You don’t know this, but Gertie came in this morn—” Just then Gertie walked into the kitchen.
Hunter simply froze, unable to decide what to do. Gertie’s eyes were instantly transformed from sleepy, squinting crevices to huge round glassy pools. And they were fixated on Hunter’s throbbing, jumbo-sized erection. “Sweet Mother of God! I had no idea!”
Hunter scooped up the towel and hastily threw it around himself, then he made a dash for the bedroom.
Gertie started to laugh. “Holy cow! Doesn’t that thing hurt you? I’ve never seen a man’s hard one before. Oh, sweet baby Jesus!”
“Oh God, Gertie, I’m sorry. I forgot Hunter didn’t know you were here. I didn’t know he was going to take the towel off.” I paused and thought about what she had said. “Are you being serious? You’ve never—seriously? I mean, you had to have caught a quick peek at some point? Right?”
“No! I told you, I have a lot to learn about. A lot!”
Hunter was walking towards the door and he was fully clothed. “I just want to grab my mail. I picked it up yesterday and left it in my truck. I forgot all about it.”
A minute later he returned to the kitchen and smiled at Gertie. She blushed and became more giddy than usual. I gave her a nudge with my elbow. The always honest and free speaking Gertie told us what had her spun up. “I’m sorry, but when I look at you now, all I get is that image of you naked and your big penis pointing up.” Hunter immediately sat down, concealing the part of him below the waist.
“This could be a little awkward now.” Hunter said as he looked through his mail. Luna jumped up on the table and she was slapping the letters with one paw. Hunter stopped to look at one of the letters, then quickly ripped it open. “It’s from the Chicago Police Academy Office. I applied for a special program they have for recently discharged military police. They are running a special short tracked academy program. A pilot program that I’ve heard about in other cities, and now Chicago is giving it a try. I had sent copies of all of my military service records and qualifications in to them, and they say here that I’ve been accepted!”
“What does that mean for you? I mean, your schedule?”
“It means I will be a fulltime city police officer a lot quicker than the six month academy I was planning to attend.” Hunter looked at me and his smile fell a little.
“That’s great! Isn’t it? You look like you’re not so sure.”
“I have to report this week. I have to go and get a full physical tomorrow and I’ll be pretty well locked into training for four weeks. I have been planning to ask you if you wanted to take off for a few days. Introduce you to my parents here in Chicago and then take a trip up to Minnesota for a few days for some camping. While we were up there, I wanted to visit my sister and her husband, and my nieces and nephews of course. You could get to meet them, and I know they would really like you.”
My mouth nearly hit the floor. Gertie nailed me in the thigh with her knee and then whispered to in my ear, “His parents, his sister all the way in Minnesota? I’d say it’s safe to say that he is planning for a future with you!”
“Shush.” I whispered back. Then I responded to Hunter. “That would be awesome! If you still want to plan it when it’s a better time, you can count me in!”
We all had lunch together and chatted some more, then the time came for Hunter to be on his way. Gertie said she needed to get home, but after an exciting weekend she was reluctant to leave. “I’ve just had so much fun being here with you, Kelly, and Lindsey. I don’t have a choice, really. I have to be going back.” Gertie looked around the room and I could tell she was thinking of an idea. “Hey! How about if you come with me for a few days? You can bring Luna. You can meet my cats, and of course you can see what I’ve been doing with the paranormal pet shop.”
“It sounds great! But—I do have to work on that damn Four-Bitten Fangtasy, which by the way scares the daylights out of me, because I have no idea what the fallout will be for anyone around me.”
“It’ll be fine. If you come with me, I’ll help you come up with the storyline. We’ll even make up all of the names you will be using from scratch. They will be complete gibberish. Nobody will have those names. Perfectly safe. Hunter is going to be busy anyway. Come on, what do you say?” She waited a bit and then tempted me, “I’ll show you around New Orleans! All of the best writers come to New Orleans! Some even live there.” She skipped across my kitchen floor. “And—there is so much I still need to tell you about being a witch, and I have so many questions for you
about how to be a modern woman!”
“How can I resist?” After all, Hunter was going to be busy. Lindsey was going to be dealing with her insurance company and getting a major remodeling project set up. Kelly would be at her wits end with having Lindsey for a roommate, and I’m certain she would flip her bitch switch in less than a day of that.
Gertie threw her arms open and was charging to hug me. Luna launched herself from the table right into Gertie’s chest, and before I knew it, we were all locked in a three-way hug. I eventually wiggled free, packed a bag with some clothes and essentials, and I was ready.
“Dang it! We never performed that ceremony! You know, to present you with your official witch’s broom.”
“Don’t worry about it, Gertie. No need to stress out over it. After all, the thing is so tiny. When you whipped it out, and I saw how small it was—well, it was very anticlimactic. Been there, done that before!” I laughed at my little joke, but Gertie looked at me like I had just spoken in Swahili.
“I don’t get what you mean.”
“Never mind. Let’s go!” We both held our little brooms up while Gertie carefully recited the spell. We all poofed away to Louisiana, little brooms still in hand.
Chapter Nineteen
Welcome to The Pussy Plantation
Gertie, Luna, and I instantly arrived at the end of a long, neglected dirt road. The view was stereotypical of any bayou country horror flick. Live oaks with sad long locks of Spanish moss seemed to be solemn witnesses to our arrival as we began the long walk through the afternoon shadows towards Gertie’s place. I saw a hand-painted sign. A rectangular piece of plywood that had been painted pink. Neatly made purple lettering spelled out Gertie’s Pussy Plantation.
Luna seemed to be at unease among the overgrown open spaces. She made little crying sounds as we walked. “Come here, city cat.” I bent down and Luna jumped into my arms. “Gertie, I don’t know what to say. This is definitely not like any place I could picture you living in.”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t gotten around to this part of the property. I had to concentrate on the house first, then the area around it, along with the out buildings. I was able to use some magic, but I’m no expert like Esmeralda is. I have to remember to change that sign back there, too. Cheer up you two, it brightens up a bit as we get closer!”
“Why did you have us teleport so far down the road anyway?”
“To be dramatic. Spooky, isn’t it?” Gertie gave me a sly look. “Just kidding! If you haven’t noticed, I tend to end up not quite where I need to be. In a big and very old house that has had a lot of changes made to it—well, let’s just say it can get kind of tricky. You might say your address and then exactly where you want to be and hope for the best. I once said kitchen and I ended up inside an old boarded up shed out back. To make things worse, it was already occupied by a family of cute little skunks. Even though I got sprayed and smelled like hell for weeks, they were very cute. Just adorable, really. Anyway, you see, when this place was built, they didn’t have the kitchen in the house. It got way too hot to have cooking fires in the stoves and ovens inside, so they had a cookhouse out back. Apparently, these little brooms are very fussy. You don’t even want to know what happened when I was in a rush to get home to use the bathroom.”
“Oh yes, I do!”
“In an old abandoned latrine. I fell right through the rotten boards that covered a sludge filled hole, and I was up to my waist in it. It was a hundred times worse than getting skunked. I’ve found it to be worth the walk to just say my address. I always end up safely at the end of the drive.”
“Why here? Why down in the bayou near New Orleans? You’re a Chicago girl after all.”
“Convenience I suppose. When I thawed out, I found myself at the witches union. So I was already in New Orleans. I had to listen to those witches jabber about the union, and the safety and security of all witches, blah, blah, blah—blah, blah. Once they were through, I just toured around. I wanted something in the country. After being frozen for a hundred years, I really had no desire to endure the winters in Chicago. Besides, I found a great way to make some money in a pinch. It’s not exactly honest money, though. I probably shouldn’t tell you.”
“I’m dying to know! How dirty does it get?”
Gertie whispered as if she were making a jail cell confession to a murder, “Gambling.” She looked around, worried that someone may have been listening and then her voice returned to normal. “Down in the French Quarter there is a casino. There are a few riverboat casinos in the area, also. I went to the one in the Quarter, and I saw a huge fortune wheel. I figured out a little spell that could make the wheel stop on exactly what number I wanted it to. The problem is that they only have one or two of those things set up at any given time. Eventually they tire of seeing me win over and over. They make up some excuse that I have to leave or offer me some free hotel nights or something. I tried the roulette tables, but that was useless, as were the dice games. I didn’t try card games because I couldn’t figure out a way to use a spell to win at that. It didn’t matter, I also found a racetrack in Bossier City that has races for greyhounds, horses, and even harness racing. I probably got most of my money that way by making whatever animal I pick win the race.”
“Don’t feel too bad, those places have been cleaning out people’s pockets for years. It’s about time they get to see how it feels.”
“I think I should be fine now for quite a while. I really don’t want to go to Bossier City anymore. It is way over near Shreveport, which is in the complete opposite corner of the state from New Orleans. I don’t know my way around there at all.”
Suddenly I looked up and there it was, Gertie’s Pussy Palace in all of its girly glory. It looked as if the paint scheme was created by a dozen sixth grade girls with instructions to use every single vivid color found in their packs of markers and crayons. The large front porch had a beautiful railing that wrapped around the front. Each spindle had a different color of paint. Each large porch column was colored like psychedelic candy sticks with every color in the rainbow twisting up the columns. I could go on and on about the absolute detail to insanity. The décor sent a message. The person that lives here is clearly nuts. The bizarre paint job’s assault on my eyesight was nearly matched by the equally splashy-colored, homemade lawn décor representing giant flowers and cute animals. Actually, there was no true lawn to speak of. Rather, it seemed to be surrounded by one giant flower bed and everything was in bloom.
“Oh look, Sherwin Williams threw up a house!” I was awestruck. “It’s like looking through a fricking kaleidoscope. I expected it to be bright and cheery, but—wow! This place makes candy land look dull.”
“Good! That is exactly the look I was going for. The wow look.” Gertie looked off in the distance and shouted “Hi, babies! I’m back!” A cacophony of cat sounds replied an apparent welcome. “Don’t worry, they don’t all live in the house. Most of them live around the farm behind the house. There are two old barns and a number of smaller shelters for all of them.”
“Don’t you worry about getting them vaccinated and all that? That would be one hell of a veterinarian bill.”
“Oh no, not a problem. Since every witch has to have a cat, there is a witch, which is the cat doctor.” Gertie sometimes spoke at the speed of light.
“Stop right there, Gertie. My turn to be confused. So I heard that every witch has to have a cat. I got that much.”
“Yup! So us witches have our very own cat doctor. She is a fellow witch, like us. Her name is Wanda.”
“I suppose that I mostly understand now. Sorry. Please, go on.”
“She is super nice, but a little wacky. You know how us cat ladies can be! She stops by once in a while and takes care of all of them. It only takes her a few minutes.”
Luna and I followed Gertie into her house. All I could do was shake my head. Anything that a ten year old girl would scream about over its cuteness was in the house. It was completely and undeniably o
ver the top. Gertie took us up to a spare bedroom so I could drop off my things, and then we went and sat in a room that she called the parlor.
“Beanbag chairs? Of course!”
“I know! Aren’t they the most amazing thing? I had no idea that someone could have invented a chair so perfectly comfortable.”
“Yes. They are fun. I can honestly say that I’ve never been in a room where the only chairs are beanbags. And each one is a different color of a neon rainbow.” I looked around the room. “Or looked at a wall clock suspended by a gold painted chain from the neck of a giant plush toy giraffe. You are a trip, Gertie. A real trip.”
“Like I’ve said, I grew up in a different time. A different world really. I was an orphan for as long as I can remember. All I know is that I was born in Ireland and I was raised by the Sisters at an orphanage in Chicago. We didn’t have such a thing as a childhood back then, orphans or not. Only the very rich could have a luxury like that. The rest of us had to learn a trade and go to work. We didn’t have toys. We didn’t have bright colors. Now I can have all of those things. Everyone should have a childhood, everyone should have bright colors, and everyone should have a reason to smile. So that’s me.” Gertie lifted her hands up and looked around her room. “As for the cats, I see these poor creatures just left alone to fend for themselves and I know how they feel. I want to be able to give them a home and to know what it feels like to be loved.”
“I think it’s awesome. You’re awesome, Gertie. Earlier you said that every witch needs a cat. Why is that?”
Serious Leigh (Literal Leigh Romance Diaries Book 2) Page 11
