“Do you have that right? To deny your child her father?”
I looked sharply up at him.
“Is that what you think I’m doing?”
“Isn’t it? Maybe I’m talking out of turn here, but along with all the ‘church stuff,’ I vowed I’d always give an honest opinion with my flock.”
“I’m not sure I’m one of the flock,” I said, hearing the indignation in my voice.
“No, but you are my friend,” he answered simply.
I took a deep breath. “I’m not sure I believe, Daniel. I don’t know if there is a ‘better place,’ heaven, or wherever. I want to visit my daughter, I don’t want to be reminded of him every time I do.”
“I can totally understand that.” He leant forwards and took one of my hands in his.
“Exhuming a body is not only costly, but potentially distressing, Dani. What you saw go into the ground isn’t going to look the same when it comes out. Now, I don’t suppose you’ll want to be there, but you’re responsible for what happens to both Trey and Hannah. That’s a lot of effort and thought to go through, I just want to be sure you’re up to that right at this moment, and this isn’t a knee jerk reaction.”
“If there were problems in our relationship, any hint that he wasn’t happy, I think I would come to terms with all this easier. But he was with her for two years, at that time, our marriage was going from strength to strength. The deceit is the worst thing. He was leading two lives, Daniel. He doesn’t deserve peace, forgiveness, or whatever is supposed to happen.”
“I can point you in the right direction for the application, all I ask is that you give it another couple of weeks and see how you feel then,” he said.
“Okay, I can do that. I don’t think I’ll change my mind, though.”
He nodded and let go of my hands. I missed the warmth and comfort holding my hand had offered me.
“How far have you gotten with the barn?” he asked.
“Miller has sent in the applications, now it’s just waiting for approval, or not.”
“What will you do if you don’t get it?”
“I’ll stay with Dad for the time being, but after that, I don’t know. I guess I’ll see if I can buy a little cottage or something.”
“Be nice to have you stay around.”
I gave him a smile and finished my tea. “I ought to get going.”
“If you fancy another night at the pub, or maybe a meal out, just give me a shout,” he said as he walked me to the front door.
“Thanks, I will.”
I liked Daniel, I enjoyed his company; I hadn’t liked his opinion or advice. I guessed he was talking to me as a friend, and he felt he had the right to, but it wasn’t quite what I’d wanted to hear.
I wandered back along the lanes, thinking on his words. Whether I liked them or not, he had a point. Did I want Hannah buried on her own? I hadn’t thought much about any of the people in the cemetery, I hadn’t thought about souls and heaven, and all that nonsense. Or was it? Did it comfort me to think Hannah was someplace nice, with someone who would love her? But then I’d come back to that one question that bugged me. Which child was the mistake? It could well be that neither was, but how realistic was that? I just didn’t see Trey wanting two children, one with his wife, and one with his mistress, being born just a few months apart. While I was on bed rest, he was fucking my sister-in-law.
I shook my head to clear the thought and swallowed down the nausea that bubbled to my throat.
My hatred for Trey intensified, that transferred to Helen. The first thing I would do is respond to the solicitor’s letter, asking for evidence. I wanted to see a medical document that proved Trey was Alistair’s father. I had no doubt about the affair, but I wasn’t going to make it easy for her at all.
Christian was stomping around the kitchen when I returned, he held the letter I’d received in his hand; I guessed I’d left it on the table.
“What the fuck does she think she’s doing?” he shouted, waving the letter in the air.
“Trying to get money for her child, I guess.”
“We need to get a solicitor to fight this. She shouldn’t get a fucking penny, from either of us.”
“I have that sorted.”
“How?”
“I’m quite capable of finding a solicitor, and Miller knows of a great one who might be able to help. Firstly, I’m going to respond and ask for evidence that Trey is the father.”
“What do you mean?”
I thought it was quite obvious. “We don’t know Trey is the father, she said he is, but she hadn’t proved it to me.”
“She told me he was, isn’t that enough?”
“Absolutely not. You could be father, we just don’t know.”
“How can you trust this Miller guy, he’s just a builder, isn’t he?”
I wasn’t sure that I liked the tone of his voice when he used Miller’s name.
“Who also happens to have become a friend. If the person he has in mind isn’t able to help, I’ll let you know.”
“You need a lawyer that practices in family law,” he said.
“Thank you, I’ll find out if she does.”
“I think it’s disgusting she thinks she can get away with this,” Christian said.
“You’re trying to leave her penniless, Chris, I imagine she’s looking out for her child in any way she can.”
Christian spun on his heels and stalked towards me. His attitude caused my heart to skip a beat and not in a good way.
“So this is my fault, is it?” he said, waving the letter in front of my face.
I reached up and took the letter from his hand.
“I didn’t say that. Chris, you’re not the only one that has been devastated by this, yet you seem to riding roughshod over Dad’s feelings and mine. You’re angry; I get that. Don’t you think I am as well? Don’t you think I’d like to rip every strand of hair from her head? But I know it takes two to have an affair, one happens not to be around anymore, otherwise I’d want to do the same to him.”
“I just don’t know how you can be so calm about all of is?”
“Calm! You’ve no idea whether I’m calm or not because you are so wrapped up in your own misery you can’t see beyond it. My daughter died, Chris. She was taken from me before her time, I didn’t get to see her, to smell or hold her while she was alive. She didn’t get to spend more than a few hours on this earth. She didn’t get to know me, her mother. My husband fucking your wife is nothing compared to that. So if you think I’m calm, one, you don’t me as well as you should, two, he’s dead, there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t divorce him, I can’t shout or scream at him. All I can do is keep breathing, that’s when you’re not here suffocating us with your anger.”
By the end of my speech, I was shouting.
Christian’s face was puce, I assumed with anger. His mouth was flapping open and closed as if my comments had rendered him mute.
“Do you know where I’ve been today?” I asked, calmer. He shook his head.
“I went to see the vicar to find out what I had to do to exhume Trey because I don’t want him even in the ground with my daughter. Is that what you’d call calm?”
“Can you do that?” he asked, not answering my question.
“Apparently I can apply for a licence, whether I’d get it or not, I don’t know. I don’t even know if I’ll really do it. I’m angry and I’m making rash decisions, like you.”
“What rash decisions am I making?” He slumped into a chair as he spoke.
“She’s entitled to half the equity in your house, yes? You’re trying to wrangle a way out of that. I understand, I do, Chris. She’s hurt you in the worst possible way. But you can fester in that for years, or you can divorce, give her what she’s legally entitled to, and start your life over. Is she morally entitled to anything? No, of course not. You’re the injured party, so am I. I intend to solve this issue as quickly as possible, get on and build myself a new house, and a new life.”
I wasn’t entirely sure when I’d come to that decision. The more I thought, the more I wanted just to put some form of closure on this, resolve it in my mind, and concentrate on something positive. I was sick of the misery that flowed through my veins.
I walked up the stairs, wanting to get my mobile phone. As I sat on the edge of the bed, I remembered I didn’t have Daniel’s number. But I did have Miller’s.
“Hi, I’m sorry to call, but I wondered if you had Daniel’s telephone number?” I asked when he’d answered the phone with a greeting to me.
“I do, but it’s on my phone, and I can’t put you on hold while I find it, I don’t think,” he said. “Why?”
“He invited me out, and right now I need to get out.”
“Oh. You’ll have to let me call you back.” There was something in his voice that worried me.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Sure, let me call you back.” He cut off the call, rather abruptly, I thought.
I sat for a while, holding the phone in my hand. It shouldn’t take as long as it was for him to write down a telephone number and call me back.
I rose and walked to the chair by the window, it was my favourite spot in the whole house. I sat and looked out to sea. Someone had erected a Christmas tree on the beach; I knew there would be one in the square and wondered when the ‘turning on of the lights’ ceremony had been. I remembered going to that religiously as a child. We’d sing carols and drink hot toddies, child-friendly hot toddies, of course. It also occurred to me that I hadn’t bought one gift, sent one card. I checked my phone for the date, I wasn’t even aware of what that was. Christmas Eve was just three days away. I felt a tear prick at one eye when the phone vibrated in my hand.
“Sorry, I took another call and couldn’t get rid of them. Anyway, do you have a pen?” Miller said.
“I do, but, and I know this is a strange request. Are you busy tomorrow?”
“I can spare some time, what’s up?”
“Would you run me into town? I’ve just realised the date and I haven’t bought one gift yet.”
He laughed softly. “I don’t suppose anyone would be too worried but, yes, of course I can. What time?”
“Mid-morning, maybe?”
“I’ll pick you up at eleven.”
“That would be great, thank you. I don’t trust myself to drive, and trust Dad’s car even less to get me there and back.”
“When did you last drive a car?”
His tone of voice was so comforting; I rested back in the chair and let it wash over me.
“Years ago, I might look at getting an automatic.”
“I’ll give you a lesson in the truck. There’s not much damage you can do to that beast,” he said.
“I can’t drive your car, what if I crash it?”
“Then the insurance will repair it. Tomorrow, eleven, okay?”
“Eleven, and thank you. I really do appreciate it.”
We said goodbye and it didn’t occur to me until some minutes after, I hadn’t taken down Daniel’s telephone number.
Chapter Seventeen
Christian was gone when I woke the following morning.
“Did you two fight?” Dad asked, when I walked into the kitchen.
“We had words, why?”
“He’s decided to stay with a friend in London for a few days.”
“A few days? It’s Christmas Day in a few days.”
“I don’t think he’s thinking straight enough to know what month it is, let alone how close to Christmas. Can I say something that’s probably a terrible thing to say?”
“Go on.”
“I’m a little glad. I think he needs someone to talk some sense into him. He’s gotten so angry it’s consuming him, and he’s beyond our help. I get the anger, I really do, but it’s so hard to live with. I never know what to say for fear of it being the wrong thing.”
“That’s not a terrible thing to say, Dad. He can’t see beyond his own upset, and I understand how selfish, unintentionally, that makes us. I include myself in that, Dad.”
“Dani, you’ve had much more to cope with this past year. I’ll be glad to see the back of it, to be honest.”
Dad had always been one of those guys who truly believed a new year would bring a ‘new’ year. I remembered at midnight on New Year’s Eve, he’d raise a glass to us all and tell us to leave whatever problems we had behind as we counted down to the first day of a new month and a new year. He’d make us write down our troubles, and on the stroke of midnight we’d throw the paper on the fire.
“It’s not that I’m unsympathetic to his situation, I just don’t know what to say or do for the best, and it seems no matter what I try, it’s wrong. I’ve never seen him this angry before. He flew at me…”
“He what?” I asked, my voice rising on each word.
“Verbally, Dani, not physically. Although I had to leave the room, in fact, I left the house hoping to diffuse the situation.”
“You cannot be driven from your own home, Dad, by someone’s anger. He got angry with me over a letter I received from a solicitor. Helen is ‘investigating’ whether she can get some money from Trey’s estate. I think, legally Alistair might be entitled to something, but Christian flew off the handle about it. He thinks I’m too calm about it all,” I said, shaking my head.
“You have always been the thinker and he’s always been the one to act without thinking first. He’s become so bitter that it worries me he won’t be able to come back from that.”
“He will, Dad, and hopefully some time with his friend might do him the world of good.”
Dad patted my arm, as was his way.
“Is there anything you want from town? I’m popping over there at eleven, just for a couple of hours.”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“When I get back, we’re getting those decorations from the loft, okay?”
“Well, I already did. I put them under the stairs.”
“Then we’ll get them out, dust them off, and go get a tree.”
I was out in the front garden when Miller arrived. He reversed into the drive and I climbed into his truck.
“I really do appreciate this. You can leave me there and I’ll get a bus, or something, home.”
“You’ll have to think of the ‘or something’ since there isn’t a bus route here. And you’re welcome. I wasn’t up to much anyway.”
“Daniel was painting when I visited him, you could always help your brother?” I said, gently.
Miller looked over at me with raised eyebrows.
“You and Daniel seem to be getting on extremely well, something I should know?”
I frowned at him, but then realisation dawned on me. “What? No! He’s a vicar.”
“He’s allowed a partner.”
“I don’t…No, we’re friends, I think.”
“You think?”
“Can we just change the subject? Now, Christmas Day, did you think any more?”
“I haven’t, sorry. Daniel does his church stuff, and then he goes to an old people’s home for lunch and another sermon, or carol concert, I can’t remember.”
“Talking about old people’s home. Did I tell you about the letters I receive?”
I knew Miller had handed me the envelope one time, but I couldn’t remember if I’d ever told him what was in it. As much as I hadn’t known him for a long time, he had seen me at my lowest and I believed I could confide in him.
“I don’t think you did.”
I told him about Lincoln. Miller kept his eyes firmly on the road, but I noticed his jaw work from side to side.
“And then, I met a Lincoln in the cemetery, although I don’t think it was the same Lincoln. How odd is that? What are the chances of two Lincolns in this area?”
The truck swerved and I grabbed the handle on the door.
“Jesus, what was that?” I asked.
“Sorry, I thought that badger was about to run out of the hedge. Y
ou okay?”
I hadn’t noticed a badger, and weren’t they nocturnal? “Yes, I’m fine. You startled me a little, that’s all.”
Miller was mumbling, and I swore I heard the word ‘badger.’
“Miller, what’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing, sorry. I just hate to run something down if I can help it. I’d rather scratch the fuck out of the truck,” he said, smiling over to me.
He seemed back to his old self, the one prior to my tale of the two Lincolns. I wasn’t done though.
“I think the Lincoln in the cemetery might be the Lincoln who writes to me, but he didn’t want me to know. Do you think that’s possible?”
“I don’t know. Did you ask him?”
“No, he showed no recognition when I mentioned my name. Something else; he said he was in a home that was a mile away, and he said he had a car. But I’m not sure there was a car outside the cemetery, I certainly didn’t hear one being started, that’s for sure.”
“Maybe he was parked a little further down the lane,” Miller said.
“Could have been but…I don’t know, there’s something intriguing and I really want to get to know the Lincoln that writes to me, personally.”
“Why?”
“Why?” It seemed a strange question to ask. “I feel like I connect with him. I can’t explain it, Miller. There’s just something in what he says, in the words he uses. I feel for him, and he gets me. I’d just like to meet him.”
“What if he’s not what you’re imagining him to be?”
“I don’t think he will be, but I’d still like to meet him. I did mention about meeting in one of my letters, but I think I’m going to actually set up a meeting. I’ll tell him I’ll be in one place at a certain time, and if he would like to meet, he can turn up. If not, it’s fine, we can just keep on writing.”
“All sounds like something out of a book,” Miller said with a chuckle. “Anyway, what do you need in town? I need to know, roughly, where to park.”
“Oh, I noticed my dad kept a bottle of my mum’s perfume. It’s nearly empty and I’d like to replace it as a gift. I’ll buy something for Christian, although I don’t think we’ll see much of him for a while. He’s so angry at the moment, it’s taking its toll on Dad.”
Letters to Lincoln Page 17
