Lord, I thought, touching my chest to feel the beating of my heart. It seemed to me it had never pounded so fast, not even after playing outside all day or after a particularly hard day’s work on one of the nearby farms. What have I done?
It was a question I was still struggling to answer. Obviously, I’d kissed Reid—but I’d potentially done so much more than that. I’d delved into parts unknown, explored the first few feet of a fathomless depth, an abyss whose nature I still could not discern. Was I falling into darkness and depravity, or merely indulging myself in a necessary and expected part of the human condition? We Amish kissed, after all. Just not usually like that. At least, not before marriage. And even then, I wondered. I’d never seen Father kiss Mother that way. In fact, I’d never seen anyone kiss the way Reid had kissed me.
The most disturbing question of all was this: if I was descending into a chasm of sin… was I enjoying it? Would I be found weak and wanting in the face of temptation? Would God turn away from me? Surely my family would, if they knew.
To an outsider—an English one in particular—shunning might not seem so bad. But it’s more than just your family giving you the cold shoulder. Everyone in your community does, too. You’re disinvited from events. You aren’t included in family discussions or conversations. Sometimes, in extreme cases, you aren’t even allowed to sit at the same table as your parents and siblings. You are required to eat on the floor, or outside, like a dog. Else you will have to wait until everyone else has finished eating so that you can eat your meal in a chair, like an actual person.
To be so disconnected from one’s loved ones, from one’s community, and from God… I could imagine no darker hell on Earth. Which was why, even with my feet on the ground, I felt a pit open up in my stomach as if I was falling from a great height—from the top of the Ferris wheel where Reid and I had so passionately, deviously kissed.
Maybe I was over-thinking things. Maybe nobody had to know. Rumspringa was a time of experimentation, right? I’d never heard of anyone who returned having to tell their family everything they’d been up to while away. Father was different, of course—he’d surely ask questions, especially given the fact he’d forbidden us from going in the first place—but was it absolutely necessary to give him complete answers?
Great. Now I was considering lying as a viable alternative. Honor thy mother and father, the Bible said. Who on Earth was I turning into?
As I fell into step at Reid’s side, lost in an existential crisis, I was pulled from my thoughts by the appearance of a familiar figure standing near the operator’s booth. My heart leapt into my throat as closing the distance between us brought him into better view. He was staring at me and Reid, his gorgeous, hazel eyes flashing devilishly in the dim light cast from the Ferris wheel. Wyatt, Reid’s younger brother, had a smirk on his face that could only be described as the expression of a cat who ate a canary and knew he was going to get away with it.
I stopped short and my blood froze. Had he seen Reid and I kiss?
Wyatt pushed away from the booth as Reid regarded him with a raised brow. “What’re you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with Beth?”
“Saw you guys get in here and we came by to wait for you, but didn’t know you’d be up there so long. What’d you do, bribe the guy to stop you at the top? Anyway, Beth had to go to the ladies’ room, couldn’t very well follow her in there.” Wyatt replied, shifting his gaze to me. “Besides, I wanted to know if the game was still afoot, or if we had a winner.”
I frowned. “Game?” I looked up at Reid. “What game?”
Reid’s eyes had darkened and his lips had flattened into a thin, grim slash. His hackles rose and one of his hands tightened into a fist. “It’s nothing,” he said through his teeth. “Wyatt’s just talking about the shooting game I played earlier. Aren’t you, Wyatt?”
I glanced down at the penguin in my arms, the one I was clutching to my chest like a shield. So Wyatt had found out about that? I supposed it made sense that Reid was irritated with Wyatt for needling him about it.
Still, there must have been some nuance I was missing, because the veins in Reid’s neck were beginning to bulge. He couldn’t be that mad about a simple question. Could he?
“Nah,” Wyatt said, raking his self-assured gaze over me before turning back to Reid. “I’m talking about this other game. One we’ve all been playing. Wanna hear the rules?”
“She does not,” Reid answered before I could say anything myself. I frowned at him.
“I can speak for myself.”
Reid stared at me a moment, lips parted in surprise. Then he set his jaw. “Sure you can, darlin’, but what me and Wyatt are talking about wouldn’t make sense to you. It’s… slang. An inside-joke kind of thing. You wouldn’t understand.”
I raised a brow. “Inside of what?” I asked.
Wyatt grinned and looked away. Reid tried to stifle his own smile. “That’s exactly it. You don’t get it, and by the time we explained, it wouldn’t even make sense anymore.” He reached for my hand. “Come on. I’ll get you some cotton candy—”
I pulled out of Reid’s grasp, hard. “I’m not a child,” I said darkly, my heart hammering now for a different reason entirely. I felt a prickling heat in my chest and throat, working its way up my neck like a collar made of angry thorns. “And I’m not stupid, Reid. You don’t get to treat me like I’m either of those things just because things are done differently where I come from.”
Reid sobered. Grabbing my hand again, he pulled me up against him, forcing me to look up into his eyes. “No, Sarah. You’re not stupid. And you’re not a child. And I told you before, anything you want to learn, I’ll teach you. Is that what you want me to do, darlin’? You want to play student and teacher, right here, right now?”
I opened my mouth to answer him, then shut it firmly. Reid’s eyes kept darting to my lips, like at any moment he’d claim them with his own again. I’d enjoyed the kiss we’d shared up on the Ferris wheel, but here, in front of people—in front of Wyatt? It seemed… untoward. Lewd. The thought of it made me simultaneously uncomfortable and intrigued all at the same time.
I ducked my head. This was overwhelming. We were moving so fast, and I got the feeling that if I gave Reid an inch, he’d take a mile. He was already pushing me past the boundaries I’d set for myself at lightning pace. I needed to put my foot down or I was going to end up in a situation where we both could get hurt. His desire to consume me was obvious, and it scared me a little.
Okay, more than a little.
“N-no,” I stammered, once again pulling away. Reid let me, his face wrenched in confusion. “Not here, Reid. This is too much. I think we should slow down a little.” Or maybe stop.
“Sarah, look, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he began, his tone much softer and warmer than the way he’d growled at me before. “I say stupid shit sometimes. It wasn’t meant to hurt you–“
“It’s not just that,” I admitted, fidgeting with my skirts. “It’s everything. It’s the lights and the sounds, and the smells and the people. It’s these unfamiliar surroundings, and everyone is a stranger to me in more than one way. It’s the man who grabbed me, and… yes, our kiss, but… you aren’t the only reason I need time to breathe, Reid. It’s so much more than that. And I hope you can respect that, because if you can’t, I imagine this will be our last time out together.”
“Wait, someone grabbed you?” I had almost forgotten Wyatt was even here until he spoke. If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have mentioned the kiss. I guess if he didn’t see us after all, then I just admitted to it anyway.
“It was nothing,” I stammered, hoping his focus would be on that instead. “A misunderstanding.”
Wyatt took a slow breath, staring between Reid and I, and I wondered what, exactly, was going through his head. Was he thinking about the disagreement we’d just had? About someone grabbing me? Or about the kiss I just revealed? Either way, any confidence I’d mustered began to wane and I lowered my h
ead, avoiding both brothers’ gazes. I wasn’t ashamed of the ultimatum I’d just delivered to Reid, but I was afraid of its consequences, because deep down I really did want to see him again. I wanted to learn a little more about the world I’d been thrust into and his place in it. And deeper down still, I really, really wanted to kiss him some more.
Just not now.
Reid studied me for a moment, his brow furrowed, his gaze hard, as if just now really seeing me for the first time. I watched several expressions flash across his handsome face in quick succession, but most were veiled by his beard, making their nature almost impossible to read. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he gave a little nod and a shrug.
“Well, you heard the lady,” he said to Wyatt. “Looks like we’re calling it a night. Why don’t we get something to eat before we go, huh? Something that’ll warm us up.”
Wyatt nodded and left us, presumably to head back to find Beth. As I looked up at Reid, I felt dread coil tight in my stomach. I wasn’t sure what this concession meant. Was he ready to let me go? That kiss had felt so passionate. So real. Like there could be something more behind it. Like things between us might… evolve. I knew it was silly to think so far ahead, to begin imagining life with an English man, but it was in my breeding. Amish girls weren’t raised to date around, Hannah’s track record notwithstanding. I couldn’t just betray the expectations I’d been brought up on, but I had to keep in mind that Reid probably had no such scruples holding him back. I had to stay realistic, or I was going to get hurt.
“Does that mean… it’s over?” I asked him warily. “That you’ve decided we won’t see each other again?”
“Well, darlin’,” Reid said, slipping his hands into his pockets, “after the way tonight went, that’s kinda up to you, isn’t it?”
We walked side-by-side toward the far end of the fairgrounds, and I held my penguin close, thinking of what Reid had just said. Was it really up to me? If so, what would I choose? What was it that I really wanted?
Unfortunately for the both of us… I really had no idea.
11
Reid
What. The. Fuck?
This was not going according to plan. Shit. I’d thought I’d had this all figured out. I’d thought the second I felt Sarah’s lips on mine, I had the bet in the bag… among other things. What had I done wrong? I’d shown her a good time, hadn’t I?
No. This wasn’t my fault. This was Wyatt’s. Goddamn him.
He just had to show up at the Ferris wheel and be a dick. Just had to make me say something stupid to Sarah to cover up the fact we were openly talking about the bet we’d made about her—and her sisters. He’d sabotaged me, the little fuck. I wasn’t sure whether I ought to be proud of him, or if I should’ve prepared myself to wring his fucking neck once we hit the parking lot. In the end, I settled for a little bit of both.
After all, I knew how to play dirty, too. And had I been in Wyatt’s position, I probably would’ve made the same call. Only I would have gone for the jugular—that boy was still too young and too soft. But that meant I still had a chance with Sarah, and a chance of winning this bet.
Maybe.
Sarah and I hit the food trucks lined up alongside the far end of the fairgrounds. They came in all sizes and varieties, but mostly primary colors. There was a truck devoted to soups and sandwiches, one to burgers and fries, a Tex-Mex deal, and a few others that seemed to specialize entirely in sweets. I pulled out my wallet and sauntered up to the Tex-Mex truck, ordered some street nachos, and hooked Sarah up with some regular tacos—I figured that was the safest thing on the menu I could expose her to.
She’d already been exposed to too much tonight, apparently. And even if it put a damper on my plans, I understood. For her, the real world was like a foreign country—she barely even spoke the damn language. Clearly, she felt completely out of place, and I had no doubt the events that had transpired this evening had made her feel even less comfortable. Sure, she’d enjoyed the kiss—I could tell—but it was bookended by Wyatt’s bullshit on one side and that grabby asshole on the other.
What was up with that guy, anyway? I’d told myself he was some pervert trying to cop a feel, but the more I thought about it, the more it looked like he was trying to… abduct her. That was one hell of a ballsy move, there in the middle of a crowd. Still, he’d almost gotten away with it.
But if that was true, what did he want with her? What, exactly, had I protected her from this evening? Was there something she wasn’t telling me? I hadn’t known Sarah long, but one thing was clear: she wasn’t a liar.
As I handed Sarah her basket of tacos and we settled into one of the picnic-style tables near the trucks, I watched her innocently inspect the fare and shook my head in wonder. I had expected this evening to be such a simple one. Sarah didn’t exactly strike me as complicated. How had it all gone so sideways? Even before Wyatt opened his big mouth, I’d felt like there was something between Sarah and I that was more on the side of caution than attraction, a barricade I had yet to tear down. Was it her religion holding her back? Or was it just that she was a timid little virgin, giving into the fear that had no doubt been instilled in her from practically birth about what terrible things men could do to women?
Sure, sex should be sinful—but only in the right ways. Not because some guy wrote a book that basically amounted to if it feels good, stop. After all, sex was what had gotten us all here, wasn’t it? Not that reproduction factored into my plans with Sarah. Well, not yet.
Fuck, what the hell was I thinking? She had me all messed up, considering her priorities instead of mine. My only thought should have been how the hell I was going to see her again, how I could convince her to go on another date with me so I could score. So I could win this stupid bet and be done with these damn feelings and all the complicated shit that came with them.
But then, was that what I actually wanted? I had to admit, it had felt good when Sarah grabbed my hand on the way down from the Ferris wheel, and when we’d kissed… well, she was inexperienced, sure, but… it was… nice. She tasted so pure. The meeting of our lips had left me feeling all warm and safe inside, like that was where I belonged—with her in my arms.
How could I lure her back to me so I could hold her again? I’d left the matter of a second date up to her… but surely there was some way I could sway her opinion of me again. There had to be, because what I’d felt, the way I’d acted—so gentle, so unlike me—couldn’t have all been for nothing. I wasn’t ready to accept that.
As I thought on it, I watched Sarah tentatively pick up one of the tacos and glance around at a few other patrons occupying the tables around us. She scanned them until she saw someone taking a bite of the same thing I’d ordered for her, then adjusted her grip on her food and slowly sank her teeth into one end. She lost quite a bit of lettuce and shredded cheese when she pulled away, but her eyes lit up when the cornucopia of flavors hit her tongue. Holding one hand over her mouth, she looked at me and said, “This is… this is really good!”
I couldn’t help but smile. Shit, this was the Sarah I liked—the one who popped up any time it was just the two of us. Yeah, we were surrounded by people—most of them shoveling food into their faces—but they were all at a safe distance and I could see she was starting to come out of her shell again, just like she had at the top of the Ferris wheel.
If I wanted a repeat experience of that magic moment, I was going to have to engineer a situation where we could be alone. But not too alone—I didn’t want to spook her that way, either. Someplace away from the sphere of influence our families posed, where we could both explore our desires without judgment. Somewhere we’d both be comfortable.
I wasn’t sure where that place was, or if it even existed, but if it did, I’d damn sure find it. Because there was no way I was giving up on Sarah now. I should’ve been focused on winning this stupid bet—and part of me was—but I was way more interested in the things she made me feel. The things I knew I made her fee
l, too. And if I could kill two birds with one stone…
I watched Sarah enjoy her tacos for a long time, the thrill of some new adventure plain as day upon her face. I hardly even touched my nachos, because suddenly, I wasn’t hungry for anything but her. For this simple Amish girl who was turning everything I thought I knew on its head already, even after just one date.
When she was done, I collected our baskets and stood, smiling reassuringly at her. “C’mon, darlin’,” I said, reaching for her hand, “let’s find your sisters and get you home.”
Sarah smiled. And suddenly, everything we’d dealt with tonight had been worth it.
She took my hand. I noticed that in the other, she clutched that stupid penguin I’d had to shoot way too many wooden ducks for.
And that made me smile, too.
12
Sarah
“Morning, sunshine,” Hannah said as I shuffled down the hall toward her kitchen table. She raised an eyebrow when she saw my disheveled appearance. “Sleep well?”
I hadn’t, in fact. Usually, I was a morning person. Force of habit, really—getting up at dawn was perfectly normal in our community. But I’d had an awful time getting to sleep after we’d come home from the fair, mostly because I was thinking about Reid and all the strange and wonderful things he’d made me feel—but there was something else, too.
Rubbing my eyes, I sat down across from Hannah. “No,” I said. “How do you get any sleep at all with those lights outside your windows?”
“The streetlamps?” she asked, and I nodded, staring longingly at her mug full of rich, dark coffee. Taking the hint, Hannah stood up and walked behind the kitchen counter to fetch me some. “Shit, that’s a blast from the past. I’d almost forgotten how much they freaked me out when I first got here. They’re different from candles and stars, huh?”
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