by J. P. Rice
Chapter 10
We built up speed as the inhabitants of Wrath came into view. Darkwing didn’t slow down one bit. In fact, she sped up substantially, almost tossing me from her back. The feral growling continued as we approached the wall of people. The hellhound lowered her head and I tried to duck down as close to the animal as possible to avoid decapitation.
We bashed into the wall of humanity and the souls with substance flew around like bowling pins. Hitler bounced off the stone wall and was tossed back into the muck. Alexander the Great rotated in mid-air, landing on the stone path again after we’d passed.
Darkwing plowed through all the men standing in our way and charged to the next level. As we neared the dull forest of Treachery, Lucifer was standing in the middle of the path with a smug look on his face. The Prince of Darkness held his open hand out in front of his chest like a crossing guard.
Darkwing ignored the warning, not slowing down a bit. The dog lowered her head again and prepared for impact. Lucifer squeaked like a little girl in a haunted house and dove into the dull landscape for safety. As we rounded a bend in the rotunda, a voice echoed off the walls, “Lucifer never forgets. He always gets revenge.”
Oh great. Now I’d pissed off Lucifer. I didn’t want him as an enemy, but I didn’t want to be stuck in hell either.
We ran through another sliding door to the next level. As we approached the viewing area for Violence, Centaurus stood in our way. The horseman’s nostrils flared and he crouched down, bracing for impact. Darkwing didn’t veer off in any direction, she went straight for Centaurus.
Just as we were about to slam into Centaurus, Darkwing bent her legs and leaped in the air. Centaurus tried to rise up and block us, but the hell hound’s epic long jump cleared the half-man, half-horse. We kept running up the path, but I heard the clackity-clack of horse’s hooves chasing after us.
Peeking over my right shoulder, I saw that sparks were shooting off Centaurus’ shoes as they hit the stone ground. When I looked straight ahead again, I saw that we were charging through the next door to get to Lust. Worried that Centaurus was closing in, I looked back.
The automatic door was sliding shut as the sparks rushed toward the opening. Centaurus lowered his human head and tried to squeeze through the closing door. His head came through the door, and I thought we were in trouble until I heard a crunching sound.
Centaurus had gotten trapped by the automatic door, and it was crushing him to death. The struggling beast faded out of my vision as we turned another bend, racing toward Lust. Rounding another corner, the illicit lovers came into view.
Caesar, Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Paris, Lancelot and Guinevere were standing with their arms across their chest in a straight line, blocking our passage.
Lancelot cried out, “You must stay with us here in hell.”
Darkwing didn’t give a good fuck about the words coming from the legendary knight’s mouth. The dog continued on her destructive path toward the entrance of hell. We plowed right through the famous brigade of souls, knocking them around, but the lovers still couldn’t touch each other as they crashed to the ground.
We flew through the next door of hell, on our way to Envy. As we spiraled upward, I heard Belphegor mumbling to himself. As the guide came into view, he had a big pizza box in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other.
As Darkwing raced toward him, the guide said, “Oh no. Fuck that. I haven’t eaten yet.”
Belphegor slid off to the side with his back against the wall. That pizza sure looked good. It was just a box, but I imagined the goodness inside. As we cruised by Belphegor, I reached out with my left hand and snagged the pizza box out of his hand.
Belphegor erupted, “What the fuck? I’m fucking starving, asshole. Get back here.”
Darkwing slowed down a bit as we neared the next door. I squeezed my thighs together to hold on to the hell hound and flipped open the pizza box. Pepperoni. Nice. I grabbed a slice and took an enormous bite.
Darkwing sped up again, and I knew she had to be hungry too. I grabbed another piece out of the box and frisbeed it forward. The dog’s tremendous speed caught up to the spinning piece of pizza and her jaw widened.
Darkwing caught the piece in her mouth and devoured it within seconds. As we continued toward Gluttony, I threw three more pieces to my new friend, stuffed another huge bite in my mouth, and tossed the box aside.
Refueled, the dog picked up even more speed as we neared the viewing area for Gluttony. To my surprise, no one was standing in our path. Checking out the inhabitants of Gluttony, I notice they couldn’t get up out of the slop and over to the rotunda.
We sped along and went through the final door to get to Greed. Round and round we went, moving upward and almost back to civilization. A bunch of men in suits were standing at attention, blocking our way out of hell.
The politicians appeared indomitable, their arms locked with each other. It made no difference to Darkwing, who lowered her head and got ready for some more battering ram action. The faces of the politicians flushed and shifted to panic.
The men turned to each other, unsure of what to do. Just as they were cowards on earth, every single crooked politician dove out of the way and avoided the oncoming pain in the form of an enormous hell hound with some crazy asshole on her back.
Darkwing didn’t slow down as we ran through the entrance door to the circles of hell. We cruised past the bar and went outside, running down the wooden docks of the River Styx. The hellhound slowed down enough for me to hop off and walk beside her.
Charon was sitting at the end of the dock, next to his trusty little boat. I turned around to pet Darkwing and thank her for the ride of a lifetime, but the dog had disappeared again. As I got closer to Charon, he commented, “I see you lost one. It happens.”
Oh shit. I’d forgotten about Artoise, my guardian angel. Shouldn’t that be the other way around? I did an about-face and headed back to the entrance bar.
I strolled back along the dock and could hear the bar patrons hooting and hollering from a distance. As I got closer, it sounded like they were singing. I turned the corner, and the tiki torches lit up the open area.
Artoise was standing on his stool, leading everyone in a song.
“I stepped around the cobblestone,
And threw my dog a little bone,
I don’t know where...”
Artoise’s eyes landed on me and he said, “Mikey, where the fuck you been? We’re having a great time up here. How’d it go?”
Artoise could barely keep his eyes open as he got down from the stool and stumbled over to me. I said, “Look, we have to go.”
He turned his back on me and rounded back, his bald head glistening from sweat. “Now? Relax. Sit down and have a couple of drinks for fuck sake.”
Not with Lucifer and a whole gang of baddies on my tail. “I’m glad you had a good time here, but I need to get back and rescue our friend, Alayna. I got the tooth.”
“Nice. Let me just finish my drink and we can get the fuck out of here.” Artoise chugged the rest of his red wine and set the clear glass down on the table. He beat his chest like Tarzan, and said, “All right. All set now.” He straightened out his robes as we left the bar and walked down the wooden docks toward Charon.
Artoise stumbled and grabbed onto my shoulder to balance himself. He nearly dragged me into the water until I leaned to my left and hooked his forearm. I pulled his unsteady body back toward the middle of the narrow dock that was bobbing up and down in the water.
Charon saw us coming and hopped into his boat. He took his oar and laid it across his shoulders. The ferryman twisted his back, left and right, stretching out his body in preparation for the trip back across the Styx.
Artoise said, “I can’t believe you got it. Way to go. Was it hard?”
I felt for the tooth again for some reassurance. “I went through some shit to get it. No more than normal though.”
“Speaking of shit. Don’t take this the wrong way, b
ut you stink,” Artoise said, fanning his hand in front of his nose.
I imagined there was still some funk caught in the folds of my robes. “Yeah, well. It’s a small price to pay to get the curse on my children lifted.”
Artoise’s eyes widened but only opened about halfway. “You saw the sorcerer too. Wait, you better tell me all the details, so I can tell the Gods that I went in with you.”
“It’s a long story.”
“Wait, I have a better idea,” he said, sitting down in the boat. “Why don’t you go back to Clara Spiritus and say that I got trapped down here? Then I can return to earth and finally have some real fun. I’ll come back in a few weeks. I promise.”
That was a dangerous proposition to say the least. “So you just want to quit being my guardian angel?”
He looked out over the water and said, “Mike, no offense, but it’s a boring job and anyone can do it. I just sit around watching a screen of your life. It’s not you, it’s the job itself. It sucks.”
He was laying it on thick. I had to remain strong. “I can’t just let you free with your problems.”
“Maybe I can work my problems out if I can just get back to earth. The Gods keep us cooped up in stone rooms. I just want to smell the fresh air. Maybe pick a flower from the ground and rub it between my fingers. You owe me this,” he begged in a strange passive-aggressive way and getting angry at the end.
I immediately rebutted his statement, “First off, I don’t owe you anything.”
Artoise pleaded, “What about all the times I tried to help you out? You never really used it, but I was looking out for you.”
“Sorry to turn your own line around on you, but you would have done that for whomever you were watching. In addition to that, you are asking me to lie to the Gods. I shouldn’t have to tell you how that puts me in a terrible position.”
“Come on. Come on,” he begged, folding his hand in front of his chest. “I won’t get into any trouble. Look at how I was back at the bar. I’m a jolly drunk, not a destructive one.”
Artoise would have been kicked out of Clara Spiritus if he had caused any serious trouble that stemmed from drinking. I reluctantly said, “And you will return to Clara Spiritus in two weeks?”
He held his right hand up as if he was swearing an oath. “I promise, Mikey.”
“I still haven’t decided, but you need to stop calling me Mikey. It reminds me of my father. What if they give me a bad guardian angel and I get into trouble? Is this brief time on earth worth letting me die? I’m going to Sleepy Willow to rescue a prisoner of the king. I could really use my guardian angel.”
“I can’t even get into Sleepy Willow. So this would be perfect.”
I couldn’t believe I was even debating this. Although Artoise was a good man, he had a serious drinking problem. And I didn’t want to lie to the Gods. However, if Artoise got his two weeks on earth, it might help him become a better guardian angel. Because, if I could be honest for a brief moment, Artoise wasn’t very good at his job.
His alcoholism and proneness to passing out drunk had forced him to miss several dangerous moments when I needed help. I hated to even think about this, but I could get a better guardian angel out of the deal. Slowly, I was convincing myself this was a good idea.
The boat floated away from hell, bobbing up and down in the murky waters with intermittent flaming bodies swimming above the surface. I had Cerberus’s tooth in my robes, but I had angered Lucifer, Belphegor and possibly the Morrigan. Nothing ever seemed to come easy.
I decided to wait until we got back to the portals to tell Artoise that he could frolic on earth for a fortnight. The Frenchman hummed a song under his breath as Charon used the oar to push a fiery dead body out of our path.
We arrived at the other side and Charon pulled the boat up to the dock. He swung the oar over the docks and hooked it on the wooden plank. Charon pulled on the long wooden oar and the boat coasted flush against the dock.
Artoise got out first and I followed him onto the floating dock. I turned back to Charon. “Thank you for the passage, my good man. I hope your job gets better or that you one day can escape this world.” One never knew when an enemy could become an ally. Courtesy could go a long way in the business I was in.
In silence, Charon nodded and pulled his hood down, nearly covering his haunting eyes. The ferryman pushed the boat back into the water, turned it around and headed back to hell.
Chapter 11
“How did you lose Artoise?” screamed Mabon, his voice cracking. The immortal God who had adventured with the Knights of the Round Table still sounded like he was going through puberty.
I watched the flickering torches ensconced in the walls of the small room that had been chiseled out of the mountain. I’d returned to reclaim my body at Clara Spiritus, the home of the Celtic Gods. Mabon gave the pantheon some Welsh influence and the ageless wonder appeared younger than me.
I knew it was a bad idea to let Artoise loose in Pittsburgh. I held my hands out and shrugged my shoulders. “Like I said, we got separated during the fight with Cerberus and I couldn’t find him. Do you want me to go back and find him? I will.” I cocked my head to the side and widened my eyes in a ‘don’t tempt me to do it’ manner.
Mabon tugged at his shaggy blond hair and turned away from me. His voice bounced off the stone walls, “No. No. Perhaps I’m overreacting. He was shite at his job anyway. Always drunk and behind on his reports. Did you see the Morrigan down there?”
I glanced into the corner of the room at the scowl on the face of the Goddess of Death. She turned her lower body and shoved her ass out, my card still sticking out of the top of the pocket.
“Nope,” I answered, shaking my head. Her frown melted, and her lips curled upward forming a devious smirk. Apparently, I’d done good.
Lying to one God to keep the trust of another seemed a little like robbing Peter to pay Paul, but Mabon was already indebted to me for saving his life after he had been kidnapped by the Red Cavern of demons. And not to downplay his status in the pantheon, but he wasn’t the God of Death. After thinking a lot about my own mortality lately and seeing that poker game during that lovely trip to hell, I wanted the Morrigan on my side.
Dian Cecht said, “Enough of the small talk. Are you ready to rejoin your body?”
“I guess so.” I had almost forgotten about that part of the deal. Looking at my dead body trapped in that block of ice was surreal. My mind began to panic.
The God of Healing reached into his instrument case and extracted his scepter. He waved it around in front of me and my chest tightened. The same multi-colored dust that had been injected into my soul to give it substance, was now being pulled out.
A steady stream of the glittery rainbow-colored particles streamed out of my chest and went back into the magical scepter. The tightness around my heart continued as the substance dust poured out of me. A solid minute passed, and the pain finally relented.
Dian Cecht instructed, “Now you may rejoin your body. After that, we will thaw out the ice and you should come right back to life.”
Should. I couldn’t remember the exact success rate. It was high. But it wasn’t one hundred percent. Something could always go wrong.
My soul floated above the ground and moved forward toward my body. Sliding delicately through the block of ice, my soul reconnected with my body. I felt it lock in place, and then everything went black.
Time passed. I wasn’t sure exactly how much, but it had been a while since the darkness. Was I dead? I couldn’t feel anything, couldn’t see anything and I couldn’t tell if I was breathing.
Voices began to echo around my head. “He’s still not breathing. He still has no heart beat.”
“I hear you. Stop repeating it and relax.”
“Should we shock him?”
A frantic voice yelled, “Not yet. If he doesn’t respond in twenty seconds, we might need to resort to that.”
“We’re losing him. All vitals are crashing.”<
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“Should we shock him? Mr. Cecht, I need your blessing.”
“Shock him. Shock him. I can’t believe this is happening. We’re going to lose him.”
“Get out of the way.” I heard something crash to the ground and someone scream. “Three, two, one. Clear.”
I felt a jolt in my heart. Just a spark. Like a motorcycle engine that hadn’t been started in a while, my heart resisted. The rest of my body was still numb and I remained blind.
“Here we go. Three, two, one. Clear.”
Another strike of lightning crashed into my heart. My entire chest felt like it was on fire, as if a dragon had sneaked in there and spat fire in every direction. Burning. Burning. Becoming unbearable.
My eyes blinked open. Seven doctors were hovering over me.
Dian Cecht had sweat covering his forehead and running down his cheeks. He announced, “Yes. We saved him. I knew we could do it.”
Woozy, I got up off the slab of ice and stumbled. The Dagda stuck out his arm and grabbed my robes. His arm muscles flexed as he held me up for a few moments until I regained my balance.
Dian Cecht said, “You’ll be happy to know that everything went according to plan. No problems, whatsoever.”
“Good. Thank you,” I said, bowing to all the Gods. I didn’t know why. Perhaps I thought I was back in Japan. I didn’t remember anything after my soul had rejoined my body.
Cerridwen helped me get dressed in my own clothes, smiling shyly most of the time. I thought about the journey ahead. Although I wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed for two weeks straight, time was of the essence.
Alayna was alive, but considering she was in the grips of a murderous monarch, that could change in an instant. I planned to call Felix on my way home to get some of the food and water pills for Sleepy Willow. Then, I would spend one night at home with the family. Tomorrow, I would take Cerberus’s tooth back to Sleepy Willow to gain entry and save Alayna from impending doom. The plan was finally coming together.
