“I’ll be over first thing in the morning. I’ll get Jerome to drive Viva and me.”
And for the first time in my life, I know that Lonnie, Viva, and I have something to do that is more important than breaking a record, and just like trying to break a world record, I have no idea how to do it.
LARGEST VACUUM IN THE WORLD
I don’t leave my room for the rest of the afternoon. I can hear voices downstairs—Jake’s, my sisters’, Aunt Ursula’s. I wonder what she’s telling them.
A little while later Dad comes home, then Mom. I still don’t come downstairs. There’s a knock on my door. “Teddy? Can I come in?”
Mom’s voice is like lying down on the largest pillow in the world (61 feet long and 87 feet 4 inches wide). It’s cozy, soft, and perfect. And just like that I’m sure there’s got to be a mistake. Mom would never be a part of getting rid of the pigeons, so I fling the door open and before I can tell her anything, she says, “It’s my fault, Teddy. I was the one who told my boss about the pigeons.”
Strange but true, the longest vacuum system is about 33 miles long. I feel like the end was brought into my room and sucked out every single last particle of air. Even the air from the deepest parts of my lungs.
LAST HUG EVER
She keeps talking. “I was telling my boss about how Jake used to wear pigeon feathers, and of course I didn’t know about the law, but when my boss heard about the pigeons, he demanded action. You know I can’t break a law, Teddy.”
“So it’s Jake’s fault.”
“No, Teddy.” Mom folds me up in her arms.
“What will happen to them?”
“They’ll be sent away.”
“So the only way Grump—I mean, Mr. Marney, can keep his pigeons is if the law changes?”
Mom nods. “But that can take months. The case would have to go in front of the city council. I’m sorry, Teddy. It’s no use.”
She might believe this, but I don’t.
She hugs me tighter and this time I hug her back. I still don’t have a plan for how to save the pigeons, and I’m still mad at her, but I do have a sinking feeling that after tomorrow, Mom might never want to hug me again, so I better fill up on her hugs now.
LUCK OF THE POO
I have dinner in my room. I’m not ready to be in a big group, and Mom understands. For once, Aunt Ursula keeps her rules to herself. I go over the conversation I had with Mom. What I figure is that I have to keep the pigeons safe until I can change a law. It’s the only way.
I call both Lonnie and Viva about a pigeon rescue.
Lonnie says, “It has to happen tonight.”
I agree.
Next, I talk to Viva. “You have to steal the pigeons and hide them,” she says.
I agree. It’s clear that there’s only one place to hide them, the only place no one goes: the basement.
And since neither Lonnie nor Viva can get to my house in the middle of the night, I need to do it alone.
Before Lonnie and I hang up, he says, “May the luck of the poo be with you.”
I admit, I have not totally thought this through, but it’s clear that I’m really going to need poo luck to pull this off.
OUTLAW
Sneaking out of my house was easy, but I’d forgotten how dark it is outside in the middle of the night. I wait a few seconds for my eyes to adjust, and then move on.
In the back of the aviary there is a small wooden box that Grumpy Pigeon Man keeps in case he needs to bring a pigeon somewhere. It has a handle on the top and thin wooden slats on one side so the pigeons can see out. Six pigeons fit in the box.
I grab the carrier, scoop out some pigeon food into a can, and head into the loft, where the pigeons are all sleeping. I’ve never been here in the middle of night. When I walk in the pigeons fly up all around. I talk to them quietly so they know it’s me. I’ve got a lot of work to do before morning and I can’t make any mistakes. Slowly and carefully, I encourage six pigeons into the carrier.
I sneak out of the aviary. As much as I don’t want to wake anyone in my family, I also don’t want to wake Grumpy Pigeon Man. I know enough about rules to know that this will only work if he knows nothing about it. I slip up the back stairs, past Aunt Ursula and Peanut, and then to the top of the basement.
This is where my plan gets tricky, because even though I know it’s crazy I’m still scared of zombies. From inside the box, a pigeon gives a coo. I take a deep breath, flick on the basement light, and slowly walk down.
OUTLAW PART 2
To keep myself calm I Darth Vader breathe, which this time doesn’t work because all it does is scare me more. I make it to the bottom step and freeze. A pigeon coos again and I remember who this is for. I plunge to the back of the basement. The safest place for the pigeons.
I let the pigeons out as far back in the basement as I dare go, leave some food, then run upstairs, closing the door behind me. I go out to the aviary and start again.
Each time I walk into the basement I get a little more nervous. I’m walking to the back when something brushes my face. I stifle a scream as three pigeons swing past me, fluttering in my face.
On the ninth trip out to the aviary, the sun is beginning to rise. I’m so close to being done. There are only three pigeons left. Princess Leia, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and a small brown-and-white pigeon we never named.
I’m sneaking past Aunt Ursula’s room when one of the pigeons start frantically cooing. I freeze in my spot. Peanut barks. My heart leaps into my head, pounding like the world record for the largest Japanese drum ensemble (3,437 people).
Aunt Ursula says, “Who’s there?”
I didn’t plan for this. My brain is trying to figure out what to say but with all that pounding, it’s hard to hear a thing.
And out of the blue, a voice says, “It’s me, Jake.”
And I’m pretty sure he just earned a new nickname: The Constructor.
MR. MARNEY’S BIRDS
“Jake, go back to bed,” Aunt Ursula mumbles, but doesn’t come out.
“I’m getting a glass of water,” Jake says, and motions me away.
Jake catches up with me at the top of the basement stairs. I feel really torn about him being here. I mean, I’m glad he came to my rescue, but I don’t want to involve him in my plan. Although it’s pretty much too late for that, so I open the basement door and let him go first.
“Who are these ones?” Jake asks when we get to the back of the basement. The pigeons perch on boxes, on a trunk, on a table in the corner, and even on the water heater.
“Princess Leia.” She flaps to her friends. “Obi-Wan Kenobi.” He joins Leia. “And this one doesn’t have a name yet.” I look at the pigeon and then say, “Finn.”
As I say his name, Finn starts flapping and lifts out of my hands.
“What about BB-8?” Jake asks.
I point to another little round pigeon that was also never given a name.
“Can that be Rey?” he asks about a pigeon off to the side.
“Sure.”
Jake reaches out to pet her. “Are you going to tell me why you’re stealing Mr. Marney’s birds?”
“You don’t know?”
He shakes his head. “No one tells me anything around here.”
“Can you keep a secret?”
Jake nods. “I never told Aunt Ursula about loads of stuff that our sisters are up to.”
“I thought you said no one told you anything.”
He shrugs. “They don’t, but I’ve got eyes.”
And so for the first time in my life, I choose to include my little brother in my plan. And this time I believe he won’t destroy it.
(Fingers crossed.)
OUTLAWS TOGETHER
I explain to him that I am not stealing them but saving them.
He thinks about this for a minute, then says, “You know, you’re breaking two laws. The law that says the pigeons need to leave the city, and the law that says you’re not supposed to steal.”
&nbs
p; I ignore him. “I just need to keep them safe until I change the law.”
“So if I don’t tell anyone, am I breaking the law, too?”
I’m pretty sure I’ve already broken Mom’s rule about being a good big brother. So I figure the least I can do is be honest. “Yeah, you would be breaking the law, too.”
BB-8 flies onto Jake’s shoulder and pecks at his hair. Jake giggles. Clearly it tickles. “Okay,” he says. “I’ll do it. We can be outlaws together.” He puts his hand up for a high five. I raise mine and our two hands meet perfectly in the middle.
We tiptoe back upstairs. I look at the clock and see that it’s already time for me to go to the aviary to feed the pigeons. Which will be weird since they aren’t there. I hadn’t thought about that part. I also haven’t thought about how I’ll feed them in the basement. Maybe Lonnie and Viva can sneak food in when they come over.
I’ll figure that out later.
We go back up to our room together—two outlaws. I snuggle Jake back into bed. “Act as normal as possible,” I say as I get dressed.
“I don’t even know what that means anymore,” Jake says.
“Me neither, but we’ll do our best.”
MISSING PIGEONS
I practice my surprised face on the walk over to the aviary, but I don’t have to act because when I get there I really am surprised. Grumpy Pigeon Man is standing in the loft with some man who could compete against Mr. Marney for grumpiest man in the world.
His fists are clenched, and he’s speaking very slowly. “Where. Are. The. Pigeons?”
“They were here last night,” Grumpy Pigeon Man says.
The man looks over when the door slams behind me. “Who. Are. You?”
Grumpy Pigeon Man says, “That’s Tent Boy. He helps care for the pigeons.”
I’m trying to act all natural, so I say, “Yup, that’s me.”
“Your name is Tent Boy?” Mad Face says.
“No, it’s Teddy, sir. I live next door.”
“Mrs. Mars is your mother?”
I nod.
“I’m Mrs. Mars’s boss. And I’m here to take away these pigeons. But the pigeons are not here. Do you know where they are?”
I shake my head. “Like Mr. Marney said, they were here yesterday.” And then, thinking real fast, I add, “I hope I didn’t forget to close the door. That’s happened before and the pigeons get out. It’s hard to bring them back.”
Mad Face turns to Grumpy Pigeon Man. “Those pigeons better be found. And soon.”
“But you wanted them gone,” I stammer. “And they’re gone.”
“They are not gone,” Mad Face snarls. “They’ve disappeared. We need to find them.”
Grumpy Pigeon Man rests his hand on my shoulder. “It’s all right, Tent Boy. You keep an eye out for the birds. We’ll sort this out.”
And then Grumpy Pigeon Man leads Mad Face out the door.
I’m left standing in the empty aviary. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life.
CLEANING THE BASEMENT
The good news is that after they leave I grab a bag and fill it with food. I don’t want Grumpy Pigeon Man or Mad Face to see, so I slip away as fast as I can.
And the luck of the pigeon poo continues because right when I walk into the house Aunt Ursula calls from her bedroom, “I’ll be out in a minute for my tea and toast, Teddy.”
She talks like nothing has changed and I go along with it. I dash past her room, popping bread into the toaster and putting the kettle on to boil. Grabbing a bowl for water, I sprint into the basement to feed the pigeons.
I set up their food and then run back into the kitchen just as the toast pops and the kettle whistles. Aunt Ursula walks in. Peanut raises his nose in the air. He sniffs and then starts whining.
Oh no. I didn’t think about him.
Right then, Lonnie and Viva burst through our front door, panting and out of breath.
Lonnie leans over, catching his breath and breathing between each word. “Jerome (wheh-wheh) wouldn’t (wheh-wheh) drive (wheh-wheh).”
Viva is doing the same. “We (wheh-wheh) ran (wheh-wheh) all (wheh-wheh) the (wheh-wheh) way.”
Aunt Ursula looks surprised. “This is earlier than usual.”
I’m looking at the clock and thinking about how the pigeon food needs to be taken away in three minutes.
“We’re cleaning the basement!” I blurt out, and zoom away, dragging Lonnie and Viva with me.
TAKE A LOT MORE
Viva whistles. “So we’ve saved the pigeons.”
Lonnie interrupts, “For now.”
Viva nods. “And all we have to do is keep them safe until we change a law.”
Lonnie interrupts again, “Which we have no idea how to do.”
“It sounds harder than when we thought of the idea last night,” I say.
Lonnie frowns. “I think saving these pigeons is going to take a lot more than changing a law. We just have to figure out what that is.”
There’s a knock on the basement door. Lonnie and I pick up brooms. Viva runs up and holds the door closed. “Who is it?” she asks.
“Jake.”
I nod to Viva. “He’s in on it.”
Jake pokes his head in the door. “It’s time to go.”
“Where?” I ask.
“The mural!”
With all the pigeon stuff going on, I totally forgot about the mural.
We close the door tightly behind us. Smarty Pants weaves back and forth in front of it, meowing the whole time, while Peanut whines from Aunt Ursula’s arms. “I don’t know what has gotten into you today.”
Grace walks over. She looks at me, then at Smarty Pants, then at the basement door, and then she scoops up Smarty Pants.
On her way past me, she whispers, “I don’t know what you’re up to, but you can count me in.”
Then she stomps on my foot and leaves.
I can honestly say, I never thought I’d be so happy to be in so much pain.
GOOD LUCK
Because we’re not in school Ms. Raffeli lets us decide our own groups to paint. And again, Lonnie, Viva, Jake, and I take a section close together. It doesn’t make a difference because none of us says a word. Probably because the one thing we want to talk about is the one thing we can’t talk about. I have to admit, I am really impressed by Jake. He’s not making a peep.
The morning creeps along, but finally, it’s time for lunch. Lonnie, Viva, Jake, and I sit in a clump far away from everyone else.
Weirdly, Jake is the calmest of any of us. He is peeling his peanut butter sandwich apart and licking the insides.
Viva sighs really deeply. “If we ever needed some good luck, we really need it now.”
“Seriously,” Lonnie says.
And right then, out of the sky above, pigeon poo plops with a splat right on the top of my head, and splashes on Lonnie, Viva, and Jake.
Jake smiles. “I’m not worried.”
MAD FACE
We tell Ms. Raffeli we all need the bathroom. She only needs to look at the poo spatters to know why.
We head into City Hall to use the bathrooms. Viva’s not here when the three of us are done. Lonnie looks around then turns down the hall with the animal control offices.
“What are we doing?” I ask.
“We need more inside information.” Lonnie makes the silent symbol, then slinks to the ground like he’s hiding from Storm Troopers.
Lonnie sneaks in. Jake and I follow. Because of the big counter, Mad Face can’t see us. He’s on the phone.
I’m not sure what we’re going to learn, but I’m doing whatever Lonnie tells me because he is the closest person to a Jedi that I know. And Jedis know how to fight Darth Vader, and right now Mad Face is my Darth Vader.
“I’ll find those birds,” Mad Face says. “If it’s the last thing I do.”
“The Dark Side is strong in that guy,” Lonnie whispers.
Jake whispers, “Did you see the name on his door?”
&nb
sp; I shake my head. I didn’t even know Jake could read.
Jake points. And I see the name: Mr. Raffeli. Mom’s boss is named Mr. Raffeli? How did I not know that?
“How many Raffelis can there be in this town?” I whisper.
“As of now, I only know two,” Lonnie says.
“Do you think they’re married?” Jake asks, as he tries to control a giggle.
Lonnie and I make gross faces, and Jake can’t hold his laugh in. I put my hand over his mouth to stop him, but a sound escapes.
And all of a sudden Mad Face is staring down at us over the counter.
“Hey,” he says. “I know you. You’re Tent Boy.”
Lonnie, Jake, and I back away and then dash down the hall, where we run straight into Viva.
PIGEON PLANS
We pick up our paints and brushes and start painting.
“You’ll never guess what we found out,” Lonnie says.
“The animal control officer,” I say. “The one who hates pigeons?”
“Is named Mr. Raffeli,” Jake interrupts. “Like Ms. Raffeli. And we think they’re married.”
Viva looks shocked. “They can’t be married.”
“Oh yes they can,” Jake says. “Grown-ups do that sort of thing.” And he shivers from the thought.
“But he’s so mean,” Viva says. “And Ms. Raffeli is so nice.”
“Where were you?” Lonnie asks.
“I went in to see when the next city council meeting is.”
“When is it?”
“The day after tomorrow,” Viva says.
“But what do we even do?” I ask.
“A little less talking and a little more painting,” Ms. Raffeli says. I jump out of my skin because I didn’t know she was standing right behind us. I wonder what she has heard. Her eyebrows are in their normal place so probably nothing. “We only have a week to finish it.” She walks on to another group as I slap blue paint all over the legs of a construction worker.
Teddy Mars Book #3 Page 12
