Mike stayed by my side. If he called his home, I didn’t know. But he seemed content to sit by my side and hold me long into the night.
Just me, my animals, and Mike.
IT WAS two in the morning. I stared at my ceiling, unblinking. The room was dark, except for the light of my alarm clock.
I was alone, except for my animals. Mike left around one. He offered to stay, saying he’d already let his folks know that he would be out late. I didn’t ask if he told them why. But I was ready to go to bed, to be in my own space, alone with just Scout and Levi, whom I kept in the house with me.
When I heard Gran shuffling down the hall, I closed my eyes.
“Ro?” Gran peered into my room.
I hesitated, not sure if I wanted to talk to her right now. Finally, I said, “What?” and shielded my eyes from the hall’s light.
She sat on my bed and reached for my leg, but I pulled away from her.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.” There was an edge to my voice that I couldn’t temper. Fury didn’t begin to describe my feelings toward my Gran. She’d let me believe I had killed Aidan all these years. She’d known how the bitter resentment of Dad and Trina hovered around me everywhere I went; how I wore the guilt of killing my little brother like it was a second skin.
And still she’d let that happen.
Why?
And why didn’t I tell the cops that she knew all along? Why did I feel like I had to protect her?
Maybe because she was the only family I had left.
“Do you want to talk?” she asked.
“Do you? There seems to be something on your mind.” My tone was dry.
“Oh, Ro.” She sighed as she stared out the window. The blind was up, exposing the darkness outside. “I just don’t know how it came to this. Your mom has always,” she paused, “struggled.”
Silence settled in around me like a shroud. I needed answers, but my voice was lost to unasked questions.
She glanced at me. “Aren’t you hot under all those blankets? With that hoodie on?”
I didn’t respond.
She pulled in a deep breath. “Your mother attached herself to friends too easily. Even if it was clear that someone wasn’t as interested in friendship as she was. Or the friendship would be going along fine, but then your mom would get close and needy. It started when she was eight. The same thing happened when she got interested in boys.
“When she was fifteen, she developed a crush on a boy at school. She wrote his name all over her notebook, used permanent marker to draw it over her skin. I think he called her a couple of times, but she smothered him and he pulled away.”
Scout slept soundly by my pillow, but I craved her warmth and pulled her to me. Levi was asleep at the bottom of the bed, my feet tucked under his heavy warmth. Every now and then one of his gentle snores disrupted the quiet.
“She tried to hurt herself.”
“She tried to kill herself? Like Trina?” I was suddenly oblivious to Scout or anything else. Or hurt herself like me? “What did she do?”
Gran bit her lip as she nodded. “She did. She just couldn’t handle it. She took some pills, but I found her in her room and called the ambulance. They pumped her stomach.” She pulled in a deep breath. “Just like they did Trina’s.
“I found her a therapist and her life was getting on track. If she wasn’t ever a normal teenager, she was doing okay. She had a couple of friends she saw now and then. And, when she was a senior, she developed a crush on your dad.”
“Dad?”
“He was cute. A little rough around the edges, maybe, but handsome and it really seemed like he was going to make something of himself. Maybe even get out of this small town.
“Then…well,” she sighed heavily again, as if the deep breaths were giving her the energy to continue. “He and your mom went out a couple of times, I guess; though I think it was mostly with a group. She wanted more. I don’t think he did. And the next thing I know, your mom’s pregnant. She’s seventeen, pregnant, and comes home one day jubilant because your dad said he would marry her.
“It turns out his father was forcing him. Your father came from a long line of military men who did what their fathers told them, who obeyed the rules. And, truth be told, it was the right thing to do. It takes two to tango.” She grunted. “Anyway, he was always resentful of being forced into the marriage. She was my daughter but I still understood how he could feel the way he did.
“He didn’t love your mom. I think he tried to in the beginning. But it wasn’t working out. So he was going to leave her. But lo and behold, she was pregnant again. His fate was sealed, so to speak.”
As Gran talked, her voice changed, like the painful memories were altering her chemistry.
“And he never forgave her. He never forgave her for getting pregnant again.”
“How could he put all the blame on her?”
“She lied. Told him she was taking the pill and she wasn’t. She lied so she’d get pregnant again.”
“But what about Aidan? Gran, why would she…” My voice broke off. How could I speak about what she did?
“Because if she couldn’t make him happy, she didn’t want anyone else to either.” She went to the window, staring outside into the starless night. “I’m not sure. When she discovered she was pregnant again, she didn’t tell your dad until she’d found out the baby was a boy. She must’ve known he wanted a boy. I knew he wanted a boy. It was like if he got a son, then everything would be worth it. That was the one thing I’ll never forgive him for. The one thing.” Her voice trailed off.
“What one thing?”
Her eyes were dark when she turned them to me. “Not realizing how wonderful you and Trina were. He never did appreciate how special you girls were; how special you are.” When moisture glazed across her eyes, she turned away and wiped them with the back of her hand.
“No,” she whispered. “That I’ll never forgive him for.”
GRAN STAYED quiet for several minutes after that last statement. Pain oozed off her body like an odor. It couldn’t have been easy, watching and knowing what she did–watching her daughter entrap a man to marry her and knowing her son-in-law never did want her grandchildren.
After that conversation, a million questions still lingered in the air. But I could tell that Gran’s energy was gone. She was depleted and exhausted. With stooped shoulders, she stared outside-suddenly old, fragile, weak.
I pushed back the covers. With an arm around her shoulder, I led Gran out of my room and down the hall to Mom’s room, where I helped her into bed. I didn’t forgive her for keeping this secret; for letting me suffer like I had been the one responsible for Aidan’s death. I had flunked the fifth grade because of my misery. I began to cut myself, to carve my pain into my arm because of Aidan’s death.
But if she let her granddaughter suffer to help her daughter could I blame her for that?
Right now, though, I wouldn’t, couldn’t focus on her roll in this. I tucked her into Mom’s bed like a baby. And the jab of painful memory was not ignored as I pulled a blanket up to her chin and left the room. The irony of that simple act was not lost on me.
IT SEEMED the darkness of the night would linger forever, but eventually the sun rose and a new day appeared. My muscles were stiff when I got out of bed. The house was quiet without Trina and Mom…Dad. I could hear every creak of the house settling, every bird’s song, even a fox off in the distance. It was a suffocating blanket of silence, not comforting, but isolating. Kind of like this house had always been.
I scooped up Scout and breathed in her scent and Levi staggered to his feet. We went down the hall. Gran was at the kitchen table sipping coffee and I was actually glad to see another person in the midst of the solitude that almost drowned me. For now, I would leave it at that; leave the judgments for later in the day, the anger. Right now I was just glad to not be alone.
“Mornin’, sweetheart.” Her voice was soft, hesitant, lik
e she was weighing how to talk to me.
I glanced at her but didn’t speak.
“How’d you sleep?” she asked.
I shrugged and sat Scout down. “You?”
She was silent and I glanced over. With a smirk, she shrugged her shoulders just like I had done. She tried to smile, but I turned away to fuss over Levi’s collar and didn’t give her a reaction. Dust from his fur filled my nose and I sneezed.
“God bless you,” Gran said. “And in answer to your unasked questions, she was arrested last night. She has a hearing first thing this morning and then I’m sure they’ll let her out on bail, though I don’t know who will pay it.” She exhaled, then said softly, as if to herself, “Me, I guess.”
I nodded.
“And I haven’t seen your father. I saw on the caller ID that he’s called a couple of times. Have you seen or talked to him?”
I shook my head no. Levi scratched at the front door and I let him out.
“Has he been home since that night?”
I shook my head again, watching Levi chase after a squirrel outside. I hoped the fox was gone.
“Are you going to school today?”
God, I had school today? With everything else, I had to go to school? It seemed impossible that school was still sitting there, with its uncomfortable desks, boring teachers and angry students. It seemed so remote; so far out of reach.
But I had to go to school. And be on time. I nodded.
“Good girl,” Gran whispered, as if she didn’t want me to hear her words.
I glanced over at her and she was watching me with big, round, glassy eyes.
I MADE it through school that day on autopilot. Jess was there, like a death shadow just waiting on me to crack.
“Jess, you don’t need to follow me. I’m fine.”
She huddled over me. “I know.” But she didn’t move.
I sighed and went about my day. Each time I exited a classroom there she stood, waiting to escort me to my locker then on to my next class. I didn’t try to dissuade her again. There was no certainty that I was fine, that I wouldn’t crack up. Having her nearby was actually very nice. I offered a weak smile at one point, though I’m not sure that’s how it turned out.
Between third and fourth period, I saw Miss J. standing outside her office, arms folded over her chest and watching the two of us move down the hall. I glanced back at her after I passed and saw her smiling and nodding toward Jess. So they were all in this together, I guessed.
I had to admit, my heart felt a weak spot just knowing that two people cared about how I made it through this day. Mike wasn’t at school for some reason, but I had little doubt he’d be a shadow right along with them.
At the end of the day, I stood at my locker as Jess chattered on about Paul. I could tell she was just trying to fill the silence and Paul was the next thing on her mind, other than me.
“Thanks, Jess.” Who knew that people caring about you could make even the darkest of days a little less bleak? I actually felt, if not okay, a little less filled with a sense of doom and unending pain. “I appreciate it. I really do. But you can go on now. I’m sure you have to go to work or something.”
“I do, but I’ll walk you to your car and then I’ll go. I can be a few minutes late.” Jess pushed her glasses up her nose.
“Oh, I see,” I said. “Miss J. talked to Mr. Sumners? Did she give him a call?” Jess’ mouth fell open, like she was surprised I knew my counselor was in on this. “Like she talked to all of your teachers today? Asking them to give you a little leeway so you could shadow your crackpot of a friend?”
“Well…” Jess blinked several times.
If I couldn’t quite smile, my expression was a little less severe. “It’s okay. I actually appreciate it. You’re the best. Now,” I slammed the locker door, “I need to get to work. I, uh, made a little bit of a mess the last time I was there and I need to make it right.”
She wove an arm through mine and we walked out into the bright sunshine of an April day. The smell of flowers hung in the air, ripe from recent blooming. I inhaled deeply.
“Thanks, again. I can take it from here.” I gave her a quick hug.
“I know you can. Because…” Mike came around the corner. “It’s Mike’s turn to take over.”
I glanced between them.
“You’re coming with me,” he said, resolute.
“Um, I have to go to work. Are you coming with me there?”
“I can. Then you’re coming home with me.”
“Coming home with you?” I stared at him, my mouth hanging open.
Jess leaned forward and whispered in my ear, “I’ll call you later.” She slipped away.
Mike reached for my hand. “It’s time for you to meet my mom.”
The pit in my stomach was heavy now for a whole different reason. I sighed and got into my car, not even having the energy to argue.
MIKE FOLLOWED me to work, but stayed in his car when I went inside. Dan was alone, leaning against the counter reading a magazine.
He glanced up, watching me with raised brows. “Hi, Rowan. How are you?” He straightened but didn’t come toward me. “I tried to call you, to check on you.”
“Yeah.” I waved a hand in the air. “It’s been quite a couple of days.”
“That it has.” Dan was guarded, not his usual flirty self.
“Dan, I’m sorry.”
He didn’t blink for several seconds.
“I’m sorry I came over here like that. And said those things. About marriage. It was a tough spot to put you in.”
He exhaled loudly. “Rowan, I just want you to be happy. Take some time off work. You need it. I can still pay you and I can ask Mrs. Ames to take on a few more hours.”
I smiled. “Thank you. I could use a break. From everything.”
He nodded. “Rowan?”
“Hmm?”
“Take care of yourself.”
I nodded. There was more I could say to him. But I found I didn’t want to. An apology was enough.
I pushed through the door without looking back and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever return.
MIKE LIVED in a proper community, not just a house pushed back from the road like I did. Each house was similar in that they were all large, at least twice the size of my home. The lawns were all green–mowed and encased in blooming flower beds.
The homes were built of either wood or brick, showered in sunlight, and nary a broken gutter to be seen. What had Mike thought about my house?
After two turns, we pulled down a short driveway that ended at a closed garage door, a huge red-brick house, and an elegant lady standing in the open doorway.
Mike pulled as close to the house as he could and I parked behind him. He got out of the car, and waved to his mom, who shielded her eyes with her hand.
She was a petite woman, with brown hair a shade lighter than Mike’s. She wore dark pink pants that were cropped at her ankles, a cream-colored sweater above that and sandals below.
My heart fell to my feet, clad in scuffed black boots.
Oh my God. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong here.
Dread bubbled through me and if I wasn’t so utterly exhausted, I would’ve peeled right out of there.
I wasn’t ready to meet his mom. Wasn’t it too early for this? There was nowhere to hide, and I found I really wanted to hide right now. So I bent over in my seat, like I had dropped something and was trying to find it. Mike opened the door.
“Rowan? Come on inside.”
I glanced up at him, my hand still under the seat like the imaginary missing item was there. “Okay. I’ll be right there.”
“Rowan,” he said again, almost like he was talking to a child, but not quite. “She won’t bite. You’ll be surprised. She’s actually really cool.” He held out his hand.
I fell against the seat with a sigh and glanced toward the house. She hadn’t moved from the doorway, and I was suddenly deeply grateful she was k
eeping her distance. If she had come to me, in the car, I think I would’ve vomited.
But still. I was having a hard time getting out of the car. Rowan Slone was not the kind of girl that a mom to someone like Mike Anderson would want her son to bring home.
I came with a lot of baggage. And I was only seventeen. Good Lord. What did the future hold if the past already held so much?
“Rowan, come on.”
His hand was steady, resolute. I glanced back toward the house. His mom had gone inside. The door was still open, but the entryway was empty, summoning me like a beacon.
What would happen if I passed through that door? Entered Mike’s life fully and completely? Was there room for someone like me in his life?
In the end, I really had nowhere else to go. Going back to my home, heavy with memories, resentment, and anger seemed about the worst possible option right now; even if I’d end up back there eventually, I couldn’t imagine going there right now.
So, I put my hand, clammy with sweat, into Mike’s and let him pull me out of the car. He started forward before I had a chance to protest. My feet were heavy, making loud thuds each time they hit the pavement. I felt like a zombie.
Mike chuckled and squeezed my hand. “Rowan, there’s no need to be nervous. It may not be cool to think your mom is awesome, but I do. And she is.”
Mike’s house looked like it was straight out of a storybook about all-American happy families. The curtains weren’t pulled tight. The front porch was wooden and had a little bench on it. Pots overflowing with colorful pansies sat on either side. It was a small porch, like the one at my house, but could not have been more different.
With a deep breath, we stepped inside. Mike threw his keys down on a small table. “Mom!”
The front door sucked me back to it like a vortex. I wasn’t ready to meet her. She wouldn’t approve of me. I wouldn’t be the girl she’d want Mike to bring home. With my hands shoved deep into my hoodie pockets, I took a step back.
My Name Is Rowan: The Complete Rowan Slone Trilogy Page 16
