“I don’t actually. I have to get to class.”
“Is there a better time to talk? I left you a message yesterday. I think it’s really important that we speak.”
I sighed. “I don’t have time.”
“Okay.” She sounded hesitant like there was more she wanted to say but couldn’t or wouldn’t. “Do you still have my number in case you need it?”
“I do.”
“I hope you use it. Even if you don’t want to see your mother, I think it would be beneficial for you to come in. It would help me help her. And you never know…it may help you, too.”
The line was quiet for several moments before Dr. Schweitzer spoke again. “Charley-bear seems to be doing very well.”
“He is…” I started before I caught myself. We weren’t supposed to be having a conversation. That was not what I wanted.
“Your instinct was spot-on. And I find it a good sign that after everything that happened, you still did something nice for your mom.”
Her simple statement left me speechless, which was good because I didn’t want to engage with her anyway. But there was a distinct swelling in my throat that I knew was the first step down a path to tears; tears I didn’t want to shed; tears that I thought were all dried up.
“I need to go.”
“Okay.” She paused then continued, “Do you need my number again? I’m happy to give it to you.”
“Nope.” Didn’t I just tell her I had it?
“Bye, Rowan. I hope to hear from you soon.”
I hit the end button and walked toward the biology building. As I passed the water fountain, I had to step sideways to avoid a crowd of students standing near it. I couldn’t tell who they were looking at, but I heard a voice that stopped me in my tracks.
“Jesus will come again. Believe in him and you will receive ever-lasting life.”
Lifting to my toes didn’t give me more advantage but my small stature could so I wove through the group until I could see who was speaking and my fear was confirmed. It was Trina standing in front of the low wall that surrounded the fountain, wearing the last outfit I ever would’ve expected from my midriff-bearing sister.
On her bottom half was a long, plain brown skirt that brushed the ground beneath her feet. As a shirt she wore a shapeless cream-colored blouse with a heavy gray wool sweater that fell past her hips. Her hair, usually washed and combed into a golden sheen, hung in limp strands over her shoulders.
My feet screeched to a stop at the sight of her. Even after several blinks I wasn’t sure it wasn’t a mirage.
“God has called you here today to hear his words! Believe and you shall be healed!”
“Trina?”
Those familiar blue eyes settled on my face like she had never seen me before. I was used to her cold stares, but this was different—almost like she didn’t know who I was.
She shook her head, closed her eyes, opened them and continued like I didn’t exist. “Today is your glory day! Take Jesus Christ as your savior, and you shall be healed!”
I looked around, certain I was lost in a dream. The crowd was made up of students, no teachers that I could see, and one man who didn’t seem like he belonged. He stood several feet to the side of Trina and had an armful of pamphlets about to spill over onto the ground. My stomach churned, suddenly full of acid and bile.
He wore a suit made of the same brown material as Trina’s skirt. His black shoes were scuffed to gray at the toe, and on his head he wore a black, threadbare hat. A tremor ran through my body, and I forced my eyes to return to my sister.
“The Lord will rise again. Are you ready to meet your maker? Or will your soul be damned?” Her hands flew out wide as if trying to hug the group. She had yet to acknowledge that I was standing there when a campus security guard walked up.
“What is going on here?” The guard’s expression was a mixture of stunned bewilderment and anger. “I assume you do not have the school’s permission to be on this property or are you students here?”
The crowd dispersed faster than I’d ever seen anyone on this campus move. Those left were a scattering of people dressed just like Trina and the strange man. I hadn’t noticed them in the midst of the regular students, and I was shocked by how dead all of their eyes seemed.
“Trina?” I said again.
Ignoring me, she pivoted to watch the old man who was slowly, with careful, methodical steps and a slight limp, moving toward the officer.
I knew I should leave. Being anywhere near Trina was like standing near a live grenade. Whoever did was bound to get hurt. But my feet wouldn’t move until it was just me, clad in jeans and a college sweatshirt, an officer, and this strange group.
Trina shouldn’t be on this campus. She was still in high school and should be in class. And who were these people? I didn’t know and tried not to care, though I failed miserably on that last action.
“SO, TELL me again about these angel wings.” Shane ran a finger, with light and feathery strokes, up and down my left arm.
We were lying on a blanket on a grassy lawn that flowed between the main buildings of campus and the football field down the hill. It was an unexpectedly warm afternoon for October, too warm even for a jacket. All around us students lounged—sleeping, eating, reading or studying, soaking in the warm rays. A light breeze wafted over my skin. Fresh air on my arm still made me shiver. For years my arms felt nothing but the cover of cotton, preventing any exposure of my scars.
“My baby brother died when I was ten. These angel wings are for him.” At first my shoulders grew tense under his touch, my stomach knotted. But I made myself use the relaxation techniques Tanya taught me and I was deep breathing, in and out, in and out, calming myself. I had never let someone look at my arm for such a long, uninterrupted time. Sure, people noticed the tattoo, especially now that I wore short sleeves. But an intense study—never. But this was me, scars and all, and I was trying to be okay.
“I love this poem,” he said. “You should look into the creative writing program. I know some of the teachers. Many are published and from what I’ve seen they’re all pretty great. You should check it out.”
I closed my eyes, focusing on the sun’s rays warming my face. “Hmm…”
“That’s not much of an answer.” He brushed his fingers over my skin.
“I’m getting sleepy.”
“I’m serious. It’s really cool. And you must like it yourself to have it tattooed on your arm.”
I snorted. “I can’t even write a paper on a short story much less write poetry for anyone else to see.”
“Really? But this is so good.”
I closed my eyes, half-listening, letting his soft caress become the only thing I focused on. I wasn’t even sure where my journal was. Under my bed, maybe, in a box I hadn’t unpacked since the move.
Shane’s breath was hot in my ear as his tongue tickled my lobe.
“Stop that,” I laughed. “I’m trying to sleep.”
His lips moved to my neck. “Who has time for sleep?” His words were soft and deep.
“Play me a song,” I asked without opening my eyes. He laughed, and I heard him sit up.
“You’re very bossy.” But there was lightness in his tone. His voice always held smiles, if something physical like upturned lips could be heard.
Once he started playing, everyone around us would turn and listen, interrupting our quiet solitude. Some students would even creep closer until we would have an audience. But I kept my eyes closed as he started the first of the stunning notes and let my mind wander while the music soothed my soul.
Toward the end of the second song I was half-asleep, hovering in a sweet and enchanting place. My mind was weaving over and around thoughts like it was a stream and thoughts were pebbles. Whenever Trina’s brown-clad image popped up, the unease that came with it shot through me before I could stop it. But I was able to let it go and not take root. The same happened when I thought of the therapist…Mom…Jacob…. Everything fl
owed through me, and I felt a deep sense of peace settle into my bones, my cells.
Instead of focusing on the parts of my life I had no control over, I thought of the trees, the way they blew in the autumn wind, their limbs almost bare. I thought of my dog, Levi, and his soulful chocolate eyes. Then images of Scout as a kitten and Jess when she was happy popped up before floating away. Gran. Mike’s parents. His sister, Tabitha. Then Mike.
The vibrations of the earth, the breeze, coursed over and through me. Coupled with the guitar music, I felt like I was floating somewhere outside of my body. Maybe it was the exhaustion, the stress. Maybe it was me finally learning to cope with life; feeling the faint stirrings of what peace would be like.
Whatever the case, no images took root until the image of that certain dark-haired, green-eyed guy popped up and no matter how cleansing the breeze, how beautiful the music, it wouldn’t flitter away, and I tumbled into a deep sleep with his image clutched in my mind’s grasp and a smile on my face.
WHEN I got home, Jess was lounging in the chair, moving her lips to a song I couldn’t hear. Her eyes were closed so she didn’t see me.
“Hey,” I said, throwing my bag down on the floor. But she didn’t respond. “Jess?” Still no response.
Jacob was lying on the floor, gnawing on a plastic teething ring. “Hey, buddy.” I leaned down and tickled his chin, moist with drool. He had my fingers in his mouth before I could react. “Ew.” I pulled away and looked at Levi, who was lying a short distance away. “That was really gross.”
I turned toward Jess who had yet to open her eyes. A pinch on her arm finally got her attention.
“Oh, hey, Ro. What’s up?” With a swift yank, the earbuds popped out of her ears.
“Not much. What’s up with you?” I wanted to talk to my best friend like we used to—about Trina, Mike’s call, anything. I missed our chats and would’ve forgiven everything to have the old Jess back. But she hoisted Jacob onto her hip and disappeared into her room. I could hear drawers closing and wipes containers opening.
This was silly. It was still me and Jess. Things had changed, but surely something had stayed the same. I took a step toward her room, prepared to sit on the bed and tell her about my day, but then someone knocked at the door.
It was Tanya. “Hey, Ro,” she said as she came in.
I waved and cast an envious look at her legs clad in tight black jeans. Tanya had the kind of body I wished I had. She wasn’t much taller than me but had a figure. A real shape on top, middle, bottom. I didn’t have that. My shape was more of a cardboard box. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and sighed.
Jess walked in with a clean Jacob, and Tanya kissed his cheek. “What did you need, Jess? I’m on my way to meet Ranger.”
“Oh.” Jess’s shoulders fell. “I, well, wanted to see if you could watch Jacob tonight. If he could stay down at your place.”
I pulled in a sharp breath. Was she going out again? I had no problem watching him while she worked, but if she was going out again…well…I clenched my lips and stared at her, willing her to speak the truth, even though I’m sure she would rather I not be here for this conversation.
“I can’t. I have plans. Ro, you must be busy, too?” Tanya asked innocently, not knowing that Jess and I had been arguing over this.
“Well, Ro is busy, I’m sure.” She straightened the blanket that we kept on the couch even though it wasn’t messed up.
“She didn’t ask me,” I challenged.
“Why not?” Tanya asked. It was understood I was the go-to sitter.
“Well, she seems to get mad when I ask her to watch Jacob.” There. She said it. She threw out the accusation, and I saw red behind my eyes.
Tanya’s brown eyes followed the conversation, flashing from Jess to me back to Jess.
“Angry? Busy? What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” Jess grabbed an old bottle off the carpet and walked into the kitchen. She dumped the milk out of the bottle and ran water in it. “She just seemed aggravated last time she watched him. Ro, if you’re going to get upset, I don’t want to ask you to watch him.”
“Aggravated? Jess, seriously.” Breathe in. Breathe out. Settle the anger. “If you need help, I’m happy to do it. That’s one reason we decided to live together. But I’m not sure I want to watch him so you can go out partying again.”
“Out partying…?” Tanya asked.
But Jess ignored her. “Then it’s settled.” Her tone was clipped. “Tanya can watch him. And if he stays at her place, it won’t matter how late I’m back. You should be happy, Ro. You can have Shane come over.”
My mouth fell open as I stared at my best friend, indignation prickling at my nerves. She was right. It would be nice to have Shane come over and not have Jacob squalling the whole time. But somehow her bypassing me and asking Tanya seemed wrong, though I wasn’t sure why.
“Jess, I’m sorry, but I thought I made myself clear. I can’t watch Jacob tonight. Ranger and I are going out. We have tickets to the Luke Bryan concert.”
Jess clenched her teeth. “Oh. Okay.” She flashed a sudden smile. “It wasn’t important anyway.”
Without waiting to hear Tanya’s response, Jess disappeared down the hallway, Jacob on her hip. The door to her bedroom shut with a soft bang.
“What’s going on between the two of you?” Tanya asked, sitting on the arm of the sofa.
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
I kept my head turned down the hall, anger and unease flowing through my body with each heartbeat.
THE ANIMAL shelter was a peaceful place to be in the evenings. The animals were rested and excited, all trying to get my attention at once. There were usually no visitors at this hour, and I had time to greet each animal. One of our cats was pregnant and due soon so I went to check on her first. She was lying on her side, her back pushed against the wire door to her cage.
“Hello, Miss Penny.” I pushed a finger through the openings and ran it over her back. She was as round as she was long. “Did you sleep well, little mama?” Miss Penny didn’t turn, but I could hear the beginnings of a low, rough purr so I kept rubbing her back while I talked softly.
“Hey, Rowan.”
Startled, I looked up as Janie walked in. “Hey! How are the wedding plans coming? Did you set a date?”
Janie’s face broke out into a wide grin. “We are going to New York. Destination wedding.”
“Wow! That sounds amazing. I’ve never been to New York, but I hear it’s incredible.”
“Yeah. I’ve never been either. Angel used to go every year when she was a child right before Christmas. We’re thinking a Christmas wedding would be nice, and we’d just stay there for the honeymoon.”
“This Christmas?”
“Yep. As long as we can get the details worked out. We were going to wait, but then decided we didn’t want to. It’ll be a small affair so I don’t foresee a problem. Angel is in charge of getting details on the ceremony, and I’m in charge of hotel and show tickets.”
“That sounds so amazing. Christmas-time in New York and a wedding, too. What could be any better?”
“And, of course, you’ll come.”
“Of course.” I smiled.
“We’re still working on the guest list. We want it to be simple with only people who support us. This is something to celebrate, and we don’t want any party poopers.”
I laughed because though her words held weight, the smile on her face didn’t. “No, we don’t. It’ll be perfect.”
She grinned like a Cheshire cat and left the room. Miss Penny slowly pushed to her feet and turned her head toward me. “Isn’t that exciting?” I asked her as I scratched under her chin. She licked the tip of my finger with her scratchy tongue.
Janie popped her head back in the room. “Rowan, your grandma is here.”
I suppressed a sigh as I gave the cat one more stroke then walked out into the waiting room. My grandmother was standing by the window look
ing out over the parking lot. Her hands were shoved into the pockets of her raincoat.
“Gran?”
She turned. “Hi, sweetheart.” As always, she waited to see how I would act before she tried to hug me.
I walked forward. Just as I was about to stop two feet away, I changed my mind and put my arms around her. She immediately pulled me tight, patting me on the back every few breaths. Sometimes I just needed a hug. Sometimes she did, too, though I wasn’t sure how I knew that. Eventually, I tried to pull away but she squeezed me as if she feared I may never return.
“Gran?” I said into her shoulder.
She cleared her throat and, after one final squeeze, her arms fell to the side.
“What’s up?” I asked. A quick scan of her face told me she was worried about something. The wrinkles that lined her mouth, forehead, and eyes were deeper than the last time I saw her, sunken from the weight of whatever new problem had arisen. If I had to guess, it had to do with either Mom or Trina…or both.
“Oh, you know. Same ole same ole.” She forced a squeaky sounding laugh.
I glanced out the window at the parking lot. There were only three cars—mine, Janie’s, and Gran’s.
“It’s Trina.” The statement came out in a long sigh.
My eyes closed, rested, then slowly opened again as I counted to ten. Losing my patience wouldn’t help anyone. Trina had taken enough time out of my life, and I really didn’t want to devote a single more second to her. But the image of her deadened eyes wouldn’t leave my mind now that Gran said her name. Was she in trouble? Did I care? With measured words, I asked, “What does this have to do with me?”
The wrinkles seemed to deepen even more. “I don’t know. Well…nothing, I guess.” She paused before she continued, “It has nothing to do with you.”
I couldn’t worry about Trina. She was too far out of reach for that. But I did worry about Gran. “Tell me. It’s okay.” I forced my tone to lighten, reaching a hand toward her, stopping just short of touching her arm. “I saw her yesterday on campus. She seemed a little weird.”
“On campus? Why was Trina there?”
My Name Is Rowan: The Complete Rowan Slone Trilogy Page 41
