Papers were being rustled in the background, and I knew she was checking her calendar. “Yes, but I have a doctor’s appointment later. I really would prefer not to take him to it. Can you get him by one o’clock?”
I scoured my own calendar. I would be on my way to work by then. What would Janie say if I showed up with Jess’s baby? Something told me she wouldn’t care. She always grabbed Jacob out of Jess’s arms anytime Jess stopped by the shelter. But I doubted she would want it to become a regular occurrence. Not to mention I’d already taken the entire weekend off because of him.
With a sigh I hoped sounded lighter than it felt, I said, “Yep. Sure. I can get him then. No problem.”
“Rowan? Are you sure everything is okay?”
“Yep. I’ll be back to pick him up at one.”
I clicked off the call before Gran could question me further. Then I let my head fall into my hands and sat there for a long time. At one point I think I fell asleep because when I ascended into consciousness again, there was trail of drool running down my chin. I wiped it away just as Jacob’s first awakening wail pierced through the quiet.
I didn’t tell Gran that Jacob had pneumonia, but I would have to tell her when I dropped him off. She would have to give him a breathing treatment. And monitor his temperature. And his respiration.
The muscles in my face felt weighted and heavy. Not for the first time, I cursed Jess. Then I dialed her phone and held it out in front of me as I walked down the hall. I assumed it would go to voicemail like every other time but I couldn’t hear it because Jacob was crying full-force now. But I didn’t end the call. I let Jess’s voicemail pick up every single wail, cry, and sob her son could muster.
I never did end the call but at some point, her phone must have clicked off. I should’ve felt some satisfaction.
But I didn’t.
What I felt was exhausted.
SHANE’S ARMS were wrapped tightly around my body as I cried into his chest. He didn’t say anything because there was nothing to say. Instead, he held me and that was exactly what I needed. Every now and then his hand would rub up and down my back.
It was cold outside, gray voluminous clouds filling the sky, with an autumn breeze that sent an icy caress over my moist cheeks. Shane wasn’t wearing a coat, and I could feel his steady heartbeat beneath the thick cotton of his sweater.
We were standing outside the math department, and Shane had been holding me for more minutes than I could count. When I dropped Jacob off at Gran’s, I tried to act like I didn’t see her disapproving stare as I told her Jacob had pneumonia. I didn’t doubt she would give Jess an earful when she returned…if she returned.
Finally, I pulled back and wiped my eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired. And stressed. And concerned.” I laughed at my ongoing list. “And angry.”
“You should be.” He tilted my chin up until I met his gaze. “You should be all of those things. What Jess has done was a bitch thing to do.”
“She’s not a bitch,” I defended weakly but even I didn’t believe it at this point.
“I didn’t call her a bitch. I called what she did a bitch. And it is.” He ran a hand through his hair but it fell back over his eyes in just the way I loved. “This sucks, man. I was really hoping for….”
“For what?” I asked, my mind churning slowly like it was full of thick mud.
He put his hands on my hips. “For some time. With you. Only you. My roommate is still out.”
The look in those blue eyes and the emotion behind it sent darts of heat straight through me. But I was too fatigued for the feeling to linger and within a heartbeat, I was back to feeling numb. “I know.” I cleared my throat. “I know what you mean. I was really looking forward to some time with you.” I laid my head back on his chest.
“So, no way, huh?” His lips brushed against the top of my head. “You can’t come over tonight?”
“Maybe I can see if Tanya will watch him for one night.” I said it to appease him, and myself. But I had no intention of doing that. I didn’t want to bother her more than I already had. She didn’t ask to be thrust into this problem. Of course, I didn’t either, but I felt more responsibility for it.
Where would we be right now if I had told Jess last year that I didn’t think she should keep the baby? Would we be two college gals sharing an apartment, working and going to class during the day and studying or going out at night?
One could never know what fate was dealt to them or if their actions ever set off a chain of events. But I couldn’t help but wonder: If I had encouraged her to put Jacob up for adoption would everything be fine now?
MY FEET felt like they weighed one hundred pounds as I walked into algebra class. Everything was tired from my shoulders to my feet. I was wearing down, it seemed. I fell into my chair and looked around. The class was full, which was unusual. About a third of the students lumbered in late on any given day, if they showed up at all. But today everyone was there, heads bent down over papers and opened books.
I had forgotten we had a test. A ball of despair tightened in my chest. A test! My forehead broke out in a sweat. Suddenly, I felt cold and clammy.
I was doing well in college, but not as well as I did in high school. It was a surprise how much harder it was, not like a continuation of the end of high school, but a very significant leap forward. I couldn’t afford to not study for tests. Even with two weeks of studying for the last one, I only scored a ninety percent. And that was only after extra credit.
The clock read two minutes until the start of class. My teacher wasn’t in yet. Maybe some unfortunate incident happened and he wouldn’t make it today; he would have to postpone the test. Please don’t show….
Then the teacher walked through the doorway, and my heart plummeted. I tried to take several deep breaths to calm myself. He gave out a study guide a week ago and I had looked it over that same day, although not since. If I could relax, I might be able to visualize that sheet, or rather, sheets, and do okay.
After Mr. Burrows passed out the test, I turned it over. Every single word and number looked like it was from a different language. It could’ve been an alien tongue from a different planet for all I could understand.
It took about ten minutes to pick up my pencil and try to reason my way through the answers. Then it took only a minute to realize I was going to fail this test. All because of Jess.
Dammit, Jess, I wanted to scream. How dare you! How. Dare. You!
IT TOOK several deep gulps of air to calm myself when I walked outside. I stumbled to the wall that surrounded the fountain and fell onto it, my chest heaving. The stone was cold against my palms, and I focused on that chill and nothing else. It was all I could think about. If I chose to let my mind wander, to acknowledge the sharp curve my life had taken, I wasn’t sure I would be able to stand back up.
A few minutes later, I turned and sat on the stone. It was cold even through my jeans, but I didn’t move. It was like nature had changed overnight and winter hovered just around the corner. Even as the tip of my nose grew cold, I didn’t move. The light wind blew through my thin jacket, and I thought about the test. As the fresh air cleared my mind, I realized how many answers I’d gotten wrong, answers I think I knew now outside of the stifling classroom.
Fury and fear and more emotions than I could identify tore through me. I couldn’t let Jess’s poor decisions make me fail out of school. I just couldn’t. But what was I going to do?
I had one more class then I had to race to Gran’s to pick up Jacob. Then I would have to race to work, remembering all of the things that Jacob would need for the five hours we would be there—diapers, wipes, bottles, baby food, bibs, spoons, Sippy cup of water, change of clothes. With each item added to the list, a new layer of tears formed.
What was I going to do?
I hadn’t even ate breakfast. My jeans were loose this morning and after realizing I had forgotten to eat dinner, I told myself I wouldn’t miss another meal. But here I was—my s
tomach concave and empty. I had five minutes before my next class, and I darted into the student union to grab a bagel and a coffee. But the lines were too long and there wasn’t enough time. Maybe Gran would have something I could grab.
I headed toward English Lit but a shot of panic nearly stopped my heart. Today we were supposed to bring in the notes for our paper, the outline, and the introduction.
Oh my God.
I clutched a nearby tree, unable to stand up straight. How had I forgotten? The teacher had made it very clear that we had to show these things today. Today!
What was I going to do?
That simple phrase seemed to be on auto replay today.
I dialed Jess’s phone. There was no answer, of course, so I texted:
Get your ass back here and take care of your own child. I can’t do this.
I hit send but felt no reprieve from the heavy weight of stress that threatened to enshroud me.
A quick glance at my watch told me that I had one minute before class started. I would just miss. That would be better than not turning in the assignment. That’s what I would do. Then I would be able to have time to get something to eat and make sure I had all of Jacob’s things before work. Not the best answer, but an answer nonetheless.
On the way to my car, Trina stepped out from behind a tree, stopping right in my path.
“Trina, what the hell?” I skidded to a halt.
“Rowan, will you come to church with me? The Lord is calling you to him.”
I sighed. “I don’t have time for this. Move out of my way.”
“But you’re traveling down a path toward Hell, Rowan. Can’t you tell? Can’t you see it? He is your only salvation.”
I stared into her blue eyes but they were no longer familiar. There was something lost, gone…blank behind her gaze, and I realized I didn’t recognize the girl in front of me at all.
“Trina, I have to hurry.”
“To take care of Jess’s bastard baby?”
“Shut up.” I stepped around her, but she grabbed my arm.
“I love you, my sister. I want us to be family again. Won’t you come to service with me this Wednesday?”
I glanced around only to find the same man from the other day, the one who had held all the extra pamphlets, standing several yards off to the left. His face was set in a scowl and his hat was low on his head. He was watching me, no staring at me, with such intensity a chill ran down my back.
“You two are crazy. Trina, open your eyes. This guy is creepy.”
“The Lord has delivered your sister to us.” The man took several steps forward, addressing me. “She has sought His salvation. Won’t you join us on this journey?”
He watched me without blinking. I couldn’t detect emotion of any sort behind those cool orbs. For the second time in as many minutes, chills washed over my skin.
“Does Dr. Schweitzer know about this guy and this cult you’re involved in?”
“Come, Trina.” The man clamped a hand around her arm so hard I could see his skin go white. “You are a child of Christ. This girl is evil, trying to use your familial connection to sway your faith.”
Her mouth fell open. I thought I could detect a flicker of the old Trina, a person I knew the way I knew my own heart. But then that person was gone. The blank stare fell back over her features and she walked away.
After several feet, she turned. “God bless you, sister.”
I looked down at my watch, feeling shaken to the core of my existence.
I had to go. It was almost one o’clock and it took over twenty minutes to get to my old home.
Shutting down thoughts about Trina, I ran to my car and had it in drive before I even shut the door. I peeled out of the parking lot and started down the mountain, ignoring the speed limit. The only car I saw was a Chevy chugging up the other side. I shoved my foot down on the gas. If I didn’t make it to Gran’s and she was late for her doctor’s appointment, she might not watch Jacob again. With Tanya working, I didn’t have any other choice. There was no way I could afford a babysitter.
I clutched the steering wheel as it began to shake under my fingers. I took the curves so fast my tires squealed. It didn’t help that they were worn-out. The next thing on my items I need list was new tires, but I couldn’t see that happening any time soon.
I slowed down when my phone rang, but only to fish it out of my bag. Then I thrust my foot back down on the gas.
“Hello?” I yelled louder than I meant to.
“Rowan? It’s Mike.”
I eased up on the pressure again, his voice jarring me till I slowed down. “Hi.”
“I’m in town for a few more days, and I don’t like how we left things.”
“When you told me you have a girlfriend?” The thought of him pushing his hands into another girl’s hair or kissing her, made my insides burn as if they were on fire. I was in no mood to play games. Not today. I pushed my foot down on the gas.
“Yeah.” He sighed. “Look, I’m sorry about that. I shouldn’t have sprung it on you like I did.”
“Especially not after the way you greeted me outside the coffee shop the other day.” I was almost to the bottom of the mountain with a stoplight looming ahead. It was green so I pushed the pedal all the way to the floor. A quick glance at the dashboard clock told me I was already ten minutes late.
The light turned yellow as my car came barreling toward the intersection. Shit. I stopped talking to Mike and focused on keeping the pedal pressed down as far as it would go. But it didn’t matter. The light turned red.
I was committed, though. Within the frame of a second or two, I made the decision to blow through the red light. If I slammed on the brakes, my car would’ve skidded because I was going so fast. So I kept going….
THE IMPACT of the truck came out of nowhere. I hadn’t seen it. Surely the people with a newly turned green light waited for people who were running the red light to get through? Wasn’t that how it was supposed to work?
But it wasn’t. The truck slammed into the front of the driver’s side of my car. Maybe I misjudged how long the light had been red when I tore through it. Maybe I hadn’t cared and was willing to risk the consequences if I could just get through this intersection and on to the interstate. The answer seemed of little importance now.
Someone banged on my window, yanking me out of my foggy state.
“Miss? Are you okay? Miss?”
“Open the door!”
“Is she okay?”
“Check the truck!”
Within a moment, the door swung open. “Rowan? Can you hear me? Rowan?”
I wanted to say that I could hear whoever was talking, but I couldn’t answer.
“Rowan!”
The crack of his voice, like a leather strap, made my eyes open. Mike was leaning over me, his dark brows pursed, his pine-colored eyes darker than I knew they could be.
“Mike?” I whispered, or at least I think I did.
“Rowan, I’m here. You’re fine. You’re safe. It’s okay.”
I’m fine. I’m safe. Everything is okay. Mike is here. Always my knight in shining armor. Would he ever stop rescuing me? Would I ever want him to?
“Mike?”
My eyes kept opening and closing. Someone clenched their hand around mine and squeezed. Was it Mike? I closed my eyes and focused on the sensation. Yes, it was Mike. A hand caressed my cheek then the palm of that hand cupped my face. Yes, it was Mike. My Mike.
I started to cry.
“Do you want to try and get out of the car?”
I nodded, and he helped ease me to my feet.
“The paramedics will be here in a minute. I’m sure they’ll want you to go to the hospital.”
That statement shot me into the moment more than anything else could have. Jacob. Gran. Jess. “No. I’m fine. I don’t want to go to the hospital.” Words rushed out of my mouth.
Still holding my hand, Mike said, “But you need to. Rowan, you might be hurt.”
> As if an opaque veil was lifted from my eyes, I realized what had happened. I had blown through that red light. My car had gotten hit.
But…did the other driver get hurt? Anyone else?
Suddenly any leftover fog cleared. “Is anyone hurt? The other driver?” I fixed my eyes on Mike, unblinking, and stared until he answered. I knew Mike so well, I would be able to tell if he was lying.
“He’s fine. It was a logging truck that hit you. His truck is fine. He is fine. You, on the other hand…we need to make sure.”
I started to cry again. I hadn’t killed anyone was the one thing I could think of and it replayed over and over in my mind. I had made a stupid mistake and no one had gotten hurt.
Thank you, God.
Thank you, God.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Arms wrapped around me and held me tight, though it didn’t stop the shaking that vibrated from my head to my toes.
“How do you feel?” Mike asked. “Do you hurt anywhere?”
I shook my head, clutching his coat in my fingers, and I scanned the scene around me. My car sat in the middle of the intersection, the entire front left side smashed in. It had turned sideways and spun around as if I were going up the mountain instead of down. The logging truck sat to the side of my car and the driver—I presumed—on a cell phone by the driver’s side door. He watched me as he spoke.
He was older, but the kind of aged man who might be younger than he looked. His goatee was a mix of white and black and his face was heavily wrinkled. His brows were pursed, his lips thinned, and one hand was shoved in the pocket of jeans that fell below a hefty belly.
When he saw me watching him at first he stared back at me, and I thought he was angry. My heart started to race and my palms broke out in a sweat. I hated confrontation. I tried not to make people angry at me. But then he nodded, his eyes locked on mine, like he was saying, It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m okay.
My Name Is Rowan: The Complete Rowan Slone Trilogy Page 46
