by Andi Jaxon
“It’s not that I don’t love him. I do. With the marrow of my bones, I love him, but there are things you don’t know. He deserves better.”
Will shakes his head, his eyes never leaving me. “That’s where you’re wrong. There is no one better for him than you.”
Chapter Twelve
IAN
The front door of my apartment closing wakes me.
She’s left.
Again.
Probably called my damn brother to come get her.
“I’m sorry about the baby. It’s all my fault.”
Her words from last night have played on repeat since she said them. The words had barely made it past her lips when she passed out cold. I tried to wake her, but it was no use. I had hoped her hangover would be too bad for her to escape this morning, but I guess she wanted away from me more than I thought.
She’s going to give me a damn complex. What is it that keeps chasing her off? She comes to me, then runs. I don’t get it.
What baby? Was she pregnant before she left? Did she give it up for adoption?
Scrubbing a hand down my face, I get up and head to the shower. I need to get my head on straight before I go after her. I have questions, and she needs to fucking answer them. I’m done playing this damn cat and mouse game with her. She’s mine, God damn it.
Since I didn’t get up at my normal time, again, everything is thrown off. By the time I’m ready to head to the ranch to find her, it’s damn near lunchtime and I haven’t even eaten breakfast yet. Grabbing a thermos, I fill it with coffee and head out.
Frustration is making an appearance today. Anger. Hurt. If she was pregnant, why didn’t she tell me? I can’t imagine she’d abort a pregnancy, but is that what happened? Was she was so damn scared of my reaction that she literally got rid of my kid?
By the time I’m at the ranch, I’m fuming. My chest is damn near heaving with all the air I’m sucking into my lungs to try to keep calm. Spoiler alert: it’s not working.
The truck has barely rolled to a stop when I open the door and stalk into the barn. She’s showered and changed, but she’s there, feeding Bandit an apple. Probably sucking up for leaving him last night.
Stomping toward her, I grab her arm and push her against the wall, getting in her face.
“I’m gettin’ real tired of you running away from me to my brother.” My voice is barely more than a growl.
She shivers against my chest, a blush climbing up her neck to her cheeks.
As quickly as the arousal hit her, it’s turned to anger, and she’s shoving both hands against my chest.
“I really don’t give a damn. You have no say in what I do.”
Gripping the nape of her neck, I crush my lips to hers, desperate for her fire. I hate that I don’t know what’s going on with her. I hate that I don’t know why she left. I hate that she keeps running to my fucking brother.
Her hands fist my jacket, pulling me flush against her for just a moment. Her fire licks my veins. With the grip she has on my coat, she shoves me away, then slaps my cheek. Stinging heat explodes on my face, but I hold her gaze.
“Stay away from me.” She’s trembling with rage when she grabs the lead for Bandit and storms past me.
Spinning on my heel, I stomp out of the barn and back behind the wheel of the SUV.
“Ian!” Will is jogging toward me and for a second, I consider slamming my door in his face and running him over. “What the hell are you doing, man?”
“Stay the hell out of my business!” I yell. “And stay away from my girl.”
“At the rate you’re going, she ain’t yours.”
I fume in my seat for a minute, letting all the frustration boil over before taking a deep breath and forcing it back.
“You know anything about a baby?” I can’t look at him, but out of the corner of my eyes, I can see him stiffen.
“A baby?” he asks, a look of concentration taking over his face. “No. I don’t know anything about a baby.”
“I think she was pregnant when she left.”
That possibility breaks my damn heart. Do I have a kid out there somewhere?
“I didn’t know, man. What happened?” Will places his hand on my shoulder.
His comfort almost breaks me. Almost.
“I don’t know. She said something about a baby last night right before she passed out. I was going to ask her about it this morning, but she called you before I was awake.” I pin him with a glare.
It fucking hurts that he keeps coming to rescue her. She’s mine. I should be the one to help her, but apparently I’m what she needs rescuing from.
“I gotta go. Snow’s coming.”
Will steps back and I pull the door closed. I flip the SUV around and head down the driveway. Bandit and Eva are going the opposite direction. My gut clenches as I watch her ride away from me once again.
In the few minutes it takes me to get back to the office, it’s snowing, big fluffy flakes that will take no time to cover everything. It’s beautiful, in a way. Once everything is covered and before people start moving, it looks like a fresh start for the town. Everything is clean and bright. At least, that’s how it feels, until the calls start coming in and I’m ass-deep in ice pulling a cow out of a ditch.
Shaking my head, I head inside to make sure everything is ready. One of the deputies is sitting at Stacey’s desk on the phone. I don’t pay him any attention as I close the door to my office and drop down into my chair. Dropping my elbows onto the desk, my face falls into my hands.
What the hell am I doing?
“If you don’t convince her to be yours, you’ll lose her forever.” That strange woman’s words from the bar filter through my head.
Having Eva home has turned me into a possessive asshole. I can’t think straight. I’m flying off the handle at the drop of a hat. I use fights with Will to control my temper, so I’m calm the rest of the time. I’m able to think things through before reacting to them, but not since she stepped back into town. All of a sudden, I’m a teenager with hormones raging and no control.
An hour later, the snow is really coming down. It’s damn near a white-out. Both deputies are in the office and we get the plow attached to the big diesel truck the station owns. Once the snow lets up, we’ll start plowing the roads and driveways.
The diesel gets started and sits idling in case we need to leave quickly, the plow on the front ensuring we can get where we need to go and can make sure medical can too. Standing in the window overlooking Main Street, a cold dread washes over me. Something bad is coming. My gut knows it.
My eyes take in every detail of the street beyond me. The way the snow falls, the lights in the shop windows, where cars are parked. Not much is moving out there. Things are quiet for now, but my adrenaline is humming. My body needs to move, but I have nothing to do.
I can’t stand still. Pacing in front of the window, watching, waiting.
“If you don’t convince her to be yours, you’ll lose her forever.”
It feels like the next second, yet it’s hours later when the phone rings in my office. In a matter of seconds, I’ve got the receiver in my hand.
“Sheriff.”
“Ian, it’s Eva.” Will’s voice comes over the line, calm but stressed. He’s worried. “We can’t find her.”
I don’t say anything. I just slam the phone down and grab my snow gear.
“Someone drive me out to my parents’ ranch!” I holler as I stomp out of the office, letting the door slam against the wall.
One of the boys runs after me but I don’t pay attention to who it is. Climbing into the passenger seat, I get my snow pants pulled on, then my jacket, beanie, and gloves.
By the time we get to the ranch, there’s about two feet of snow on the ground but I’m ready to go.
“I’ll walk. Turn around and head back.”
I’m out of the truck and climbing up the driveway when Will comes down on a horse, holding Bandit’s lead. Fuck.
“How long has he be
en back?” I ask Will while I pull myself up into the saddle on Bandit’s back.
“About twenty minutes. Johnny and Dad are already out looking. Mom’s prepping the house in case she needs medical.”
I nod and take off the way I saw Eva going when I left.
“Come on. Let’s find our girl,” I tell him, patting his neck.
The wind is biting at my cheeks and nose, but I ignore it. It’s nothing compared to the panic in my gut, the weight on my chest. She could easily die out here. When I saw her, she wasn’t wearing warm enough clothes to survive getting lost.
“Come on, take me to her,” I tell Bandit. “Where did you take her?”
I pull the reins toward a trail she liked as a girl, but Bandit fights me, wanting to go the other direction. Toward the pond.
“If you don’t convince her to be yours, you’ll lose her forever.”
With those words circling in my head, I tighten the reins on my determination. I won’t lose her.
“Alright, let’s go.” I let him lead the way and keep an eye out for anything that might be her.
If she fell off, she could have broken something and be hunkering under a tree for warmth. Hell, she could have cracked her head and passed out, lying in the middle of the snow.
The flakes are coming down so fast the tracks Bandit’s hooves left in the snow are damn near impossible to see. He takes me over a hill, then down toward the water line.
Every inch of snow is inspected by my gaze. Any indication there was a disturbance and I’ll be off and running.
There!
I jerk the reins, and we hurry down the slope toward the water. Something big rolled down this embankment. There are a few trees near the disturbance.
“Eva!” My call doesn’t go far, the soft snow absorbing the sound. “Eva! Where is she?”
Bandit whinnies, pawing at the ground.
“What?”
Swinging my leg over, I drop down into the knee-high snow.
“Eva!” Forcing my way through the snow as fast as I can, I get to the trees.
Under the lower branches is a huddled, dark mass.
“Eva!”
Quickly finding a way around the limbs, I grab her, but she’s doesn’t wake. Her lips and skin are blue. She needs to be warmed up right fucking now. Checking for a pulse, I can barely feel it pumping against my fingertips.
“Hold on, Wildflower. I’ve got you.”
Lifting her frigid, wet form into my arms, I get her balanced on Bandit’s back and climb up, positioning her to face me with her legs on either side of my hips. I unzip my jacket and pull her against me, then rezip as much as I can. I’ve got to get her vital organs warmed up. She’s barely breathing.
“Hhh-ung-ff.” She tries to say something, but it’s just sounds.
“Yaa!” I spur Bandit into action, climbing back up the embankment and back toward the house.
“Don’t you leave me, Wildflower. We’re not done fighting yet.”
Her face is tucked into my jacket. The water on her body soaking into my t-shirt has a chill racing up my spine, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but her.
The snow is getting deep, but Bandit never slows down. He heads straight for home with no direction from me. My arms are wrapped around the girl in front of me.
My girl.
“I don’t care what happened in the past. You’re mine.”
The air hurts my lungs as I breathe. It cracks my lips and burns my skin. I can’t see shit through the damn snow. I can’t tell how much farther we have to go. I’m going as fast as I can, but every fiber of my being is screaming to go faster.
With snow this deep, I can’t push Bandit any faster than I am, or I risk hurting him. He can’t see under the layer of white, so any big rock, slick spot, or hole is a big danger. Logically I know that, but my heart doesn’t give a fuck. Eva can’t die.
Finally, the stable comes into view, and I can almost breathe again. I won’t be able to relax until she’s warm, breathing normally, and her pulse is strong.
“I found her!” I yell as a dark mass comes from the barn.
I stop at the front of the house, unzipping my jacket. Will takes her from my lap and carries her inside while I slide off Bandit. Someone is there to take the horse back to the stables, but I don’t pay attention to who it is. They don’t matter.
Racing into the house, I’m stripping off my snow gear and following Will toward my old bedroom. Will lays her down on the floor, and together with Mom, they get her clothes cut off while I pull them away from her body.
Stripped down to only my boxers, I climb on the bed and lie on my side. Will picks Eva up and brings her to me. With her chest against mine, I pull her body as tightly against mine as I can. Her skin is painfully cold against mine, but I don’t let go.
“You have to wake up, Wildflower. I need you,” I whisper to her, though I’m not sure she can hear me.
Mom comes in with a blow-dryer and starts drying her hair. The hot air will help warm her, and it’s important to get her hair dry.
“I’ll grab the electric blanket. Keep it on low, and we’ll get her situated on it so it’s covering the parts of her body that aren’t against you.”
“Thanks, Momma.”
Once things settle down and I’m left alone with my thoughts, the fear sets in.
What if she doesn’t wake up? What if she does and she hates me? What if she leaves?
I still have unanswered questions that are plaguing me. Do I have a kid out there somewhere?
At some point, I fall asleep. When my eyes open, it’s dark in the room. Eva is still against me, her arm now around my waist and her thigh between mine. She’s shivering a bit and her color is coming back. Thank fuck.
“Eva?” I run my hands down her back, seeing if she’ll wake for me.
“Mmmm.”
The grumpy sound makes me smile. Knowing she’s getting better helps the tension in my neck and the vise grip around my chest relax. She’s going to be okay.
Chapter Thirteen
EVA
I’m sweaty. Suffocating in the heat. Hair is stuck to my face, my eyelids.
Why am I naked?
When I pop my eyes open, it takes me a second to recognize where I am. Log walls with nothing hanging on them, a brown shag rug, bare log furniture. Ian’s room at the ranch.
I spent so much time in this room growing up.
Shoving the blankets off, I sit up and wrap an arm around my chest to cover my nakedness.
“How ya feelin’, Wildflower?” Ian’s sleep-rough voice has me turning toward him.
“I’m hot.”
A little smirk lifts his lips as his eyes drag down my body. “Can’t say you’re wrong.”
Even though he’s seen me naked more times than I can count, my cheeks blush. He sits up, the blankets falling to his waist, putting those delicious muscles on display. His arms flex as he moves the blankets off him as well. My eyes drink him in: the scars on his skin from growing up on a ranch, down to the slight rolls of skin on his stomach, to the tent in his boxers. My eyes snap back to his, my cheeks flushing a much hotter blush this time.
Pieces of my ride out into the snow start flashing in my head. Bandit slid on an icy patch and I fell off. I tumbled down the embankment and into the water. The temperature stole my breath, tiny knives piercing my entire body.
If it had been any deeper, I would have drowned. I’m kind of fuzzy on getting out of the water, but I remember thinking I needed to.
“Is Bandit okay?”
“He’s fine. He found you. Led me straight to you.” His fingers trail down my spine.
“You found me?”
He wasn’t even here.
“Of course I did.” Ian sits up, turning me to face him. “Will called me when Bandit got back and you weren’t with him. When I got here, Dad and Johnny were out looking for you. I jumped on Bandit and took off. Will stayed behind in case anything else happened.”
He saved
my life.
His face is blurring through the tears filling my eyes. He came back to help me. I was in danger and he came back, even though I told him to stay away from me and I slapped him.
Ian cups my cheek in his big rough palm and leans to claim my lips in a soft kiss.
“I love you, Eva.” His forehead presses against mine.
Reaching for him, I cup his soft, beard-covered cheek and sob. “I love you too.”
“Then why are you fighin’ me?” His voice cracks.
“I’m broken.” The words fall from my lips, ripped straight from my soul, before I stop them.
“What are you talking about?”
“I can’t have kids.” With a gasp, I cover my lips with my hand.
“How do you know?”
Taking a deep breath, I force back the tears and sit up so I’m not touching him anymore. He deserves the whole truth, and I don’t deserve his comfort.
“When I left, I was pregnant.”
His eyes bore into me, a mixture of hurt, sympathy and anger etched into his features.
“It was the day I took a test, actually. I was so scared of being trapped here and never learning to stand on my own. You deserved so much better. I’m so sorry.”
Ian’s shoulders are stiff, but he reaches for my hand.
“My car broke down in Samson, and I couldn’t afford to get it fixed. I was able to find a job at a stable with room and board, so I wasn’t making much, but I had a place to sleep. Just a few weeks later, I miscarried.”
The word sticks in my throat, triggering the tears. Covering my face with my hands, I weep, soul-deep sobs that leave me raw and vulnerable.
Ian pulls me into his lap, tucking my face in the crook of his neck and wraps his arms around me. “That’s not your fault.”
I shake my head. He doesn’t understand.
It is my fault. I didn’t see a doctor, I was working too hard, I left. It’s my fault.
“It is,” I weep into my hands. “I went to the doctor. My hormones aren’t right. Something with a bunch of letters, PC something. My body doesn’t work right.”
“Look at me.” He lifts my head and gently pulls my hands away from my face. “Having a miscarriage don’t make you broken. Having messed-up hormones don’t make you broken. It doesn’t make you any less of a woman. And more importantly, it doesn’t make you any less mine.”
