by Mark Twain
A TELEPHONIC CONVERSATION
Consider that a conversation by telephone--when you are simply sittingby and not taking any part in that conversation--is one of the solemnestcuriosities of modern life. Yesterday I was writing a deep article on asublime philosophical subject while such a conversation was going onin the room. I notice that one can always write best when somebody istalking through a telephone close by. Well, the thing began in this way.A member of our household came in and asked me to have our house putinto communication with Mr. Bagley's downtown. I have observed, in manycities, that the sex always shrink from calling up the central officethemselves. I don't know why, but they do. So I touched the bell, andthis talk ensued:
_Central Office. (Gruffly.)_ Hello!
I. Is it the Central Office?
C. O. Of course it is. What do you want?
I. Will you switch me on to the Bagleys, please?
C. O. All right. Just keep your ear to the telephone.
Then I heard _k-look, k-look, k'look--klook-klook-klook-look-look!_ then ahorrible "gritting" of teeth, and finally a piping female voice: Y-e-s?(_Rising inflection._) Did you wish to speak to me?
Without answering, I handed the telephone to the applicant, and satdown. Then followed that queerest of all the queer things in thisworld--a conversation with only one end to it. You hear questions asked;you don't hear the answer. You hear invitations given; you hear nothanks in return. You have listening pauses of dead silence, followed byapparently irrelevant and unjustifiable exclamations of glad surprise orsorrow or dismay. You can't make head or tail of the talk, because younever hear anything that the person at the other end of the wire says.Well, I heard the following remarkable series of observations, all fromthe one tongue, and all shouted--for you can't ever persuade the sex tospeak gently into a telephone:
Yes? Why, how did _that _happen?
Pause.
What did you say?
Pause.
Oh no, I don't think it was.
Pause.
_ No_! Oh no, I didn't mean _that_. I meant, put it in while it is stillboiling--or just before it _comes _to a boil.
Pause.
_What_?
Pause.
I turned it over with a backstitch on the selvage edge.
Pause.
Yes, I like that way, too; but I think it's better to baste it on withValenciennes or bombazine, or something of that sort. It gives it suchan air--and attracts so much noise.
Pause.
It's forty-ninth Deuteronomy, sixty-forth to ninety-seventh inclusive. Ithink we ought all to read it often.
Pause.
Perhaps so; I generally use a hair pin.
Pause.
What did you say? (_Aside_.) Children, do be quiet!
Pause
_Oh!_ B _flat!_ Dear me, I thought you said it was the cat!
Pause.
Since _when_?
Pause.
Why, _I_ never heard of it.
Pause.
You astound me! It seems utterly impossible!
Pause.
_Who _did?
Pause.
Good-ness gracious!
Pause.
Well, what_ is_ this world coming to? Was it right in _church_?
Pause.
And was her _mother _there?
Pause.
Why, Mrs. Bagley, I should have died of humiliation! What did they_ do_?
Long pause.
I can't be perfectly sure, because I haven't the notes by me; butI think it goes something like this: te-rolly-loll-loll, lolllolly-loll-loll, O tolly-loll-loll-_lee-ly-li_-i-do! And then _repeat_,you know.
Pause.
Yes, I think it_ is_ very sweet--and very solemn and impressive, if youget the andantino and the pianissimo right.
Pause.
Oh, gum-drops, gum-drops! But I never allow them to eat striped candy.And of course they _can't_, till they get their teeth, anyway.
Pause.
_What_?
Pause.
Oh, not in the least--go right on. He's here writing--it doesn't bother_him_.
Pause.
Very well, I'll come if I canI'll come if I can. (_Aside_.) Dear me, how it does tire aperson's arm to hold this thing up so long! I wish she'd--
Pause.
Oh no, not at all; I _like _to talk--but I'm afraid I'm keeping you fromyour affairs.
Pause.
Visitors?
Pause.
No, we never use butter on them.
Pause.
Yes, that is a very good way; but all the cook-books say they are veryunhealthy when they are out of season. And_ he_ doesn't like them,anyway--especially canned.
Pause.
Oh, I think that is too high for them; we have never paid over fiftycents a bunch.
Pause.
_Must _you go? Well, _good_-by.
Pause.
Yes, I think so. _good_-by.
Pause.
Four o'clock, then--I'll be ready. _good_-by.
Pause.
Thank you ever so much. _good_-by.
Pause.
Oh, not at all!--just as fresh--_which_? Oh, I'm glad to hear you saythat. _Good_-by.
(Hangs up the telephone and says, "Oh, it _does _tire a person's armso!")
A man delivers a single brutal "Good-by," and that is the end of it.Not so with the gentle sex--I say it in their praise; they cannot abideabruptness.
