I don’t say anything, just kiss her on the lips as I push into her. She sighs, and it’s so pretty. I almost stop breathing when I feel what it’s like to be in her. My heart is racing and everything in me is tight, hot, anxious. But I don’t mind. All I want is to be right here forever. Then I start moving, and everything turns to a symphony of rhythms in my head. The patterns undulate, with peaks and valleys, colors bursting then receding one after another. And it’s so much, it’s almost too much, but I keep pumping in and out of her, and I can hear her panting, feel her tight around me, and my own voice is ragged as I grunt and groan.
Her hips lift to meet me, and everything gets faster, faster, the beats losing the pattern now, and colors flying at me, blue, pink, orange, green. Faster, faster. Then, when I think I won’t be able to stand it much longer, everything goes white, and I come, with Rachel’s voice in my head, crying out my name over and over as she squeezes me with her body, inside and out.
Slowly, like smoke dissipating, the white light in my head leaves, and instead of the brilliant colors that were there before, I see muted shades of warmth—reds, oranges, purples. They soothe me, just as Rachel’s hands stroking up and down my back soothe me.
I open my eyes and she’s watching me.
“Hi,” she says softly.
I have to clear my throat. “Hi.”
I carefully roll off of her, and she leans over me, her silky hair hanging around her face like a curtain.
“Let me help with that,” she says as she rolls the condom off of me and gets up to take it to the trash. I lie on my back staring at the ceiling, and I know, for the first time in my life, I know that this is what it feels like to love someone other than my family.
When she comes back to bed, Rachel lies next to me, close but not touching. I reach over and hook my pinky around hers and we’re still, side by side. She seems to understand without me telling her that I’m touched out. I need to let my nerve endings relax. But I still love to be with her, and lying there holding pinkies is perfect.
“No one would ever know you hadn’t done that before,” she says quietly.
“So I did it right?” I ask.
She gives one sharp laugh. “Uh, yeah. You definitely did it right.”
I smile to myself. That makes me want to play music hard and loud. It also makes me want to tell Carson. I did it right.
“Rachel?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
There’s nothing but silence, and I wonder if I made one of those mistakes that I do. Maybe there’s some rule about when you’re supposed to say that? Margo and my mother never taught me anything about it, but it’s probably something normal people already know.
I hear a little squeak and turn my head to look at Rachel. Tears are rolling from her eyes down her cheeks. She’s nearly silent, staring at the ceiling, not moving.
“I’m sorry,” I say. Something in my chest hurts suddenly. “I’ll take it back, I didn’t know—”
“Don’t you dare,” she says fast, turning her head to look at me, then rolling onto her side. I do the same and now we’re not touching but we’re looking at each other, and I watch her lips because it’s too hard to look at her eyes.
“But you’re crying,” I answer.
“Because I can’t believe that this has happened.” She swallows. “I can’t believe that I feel so much for you so fast. I can’t believe that I live in Colorado and you live here.”
“I’ll move to Colorado,” I say.
She smiles but not her regular smile. “You can’t,” she tells me. “Your life is here. You have a family, a band, a house.”
“Then you can move here.”
She shakes her head sadly. “Let’s talk about it more later, okay? You wore me out.” She yawns, and then closes her eyes.
I watch her for a long time before my own eyes finally close. I don’t dream while I sleep. All of my dreams have stopped, and I’m not sure if that’s good or not.
Rachel
Topher wakes me with his fingers sliding in and out of me and his mouth around one of my nipples. Hot, wet, suction that stabs straight to my core.
“Time to wake up, Rachel,” he whispers, moving over me and stroking his cock along my seam.
I hiss and arch toward him. It feels so incredible. I’ve never felt like this with anyone before. Like my entire body, every pore, every square inch—inside and out—aches with need.
He starts to push into me and I grit out, “Do you have another condom?”
His head drops to my shoulder. “No,” he mutters in agony.
“It’s okay,” I tell him. “I’m on the pill.”
“Carson will kill me,” he says, lifting his head and looking me in the eyes. God, he’s so gorgeous I can’t stand it. He has sleepy morning eyes and stubble all over his cheeks. His hair is tousled, the ends swinging forward alongside his square jaw.
I kiss him softly on the lips. “So don’t tell him. We’re adults, we get to make these choices ourselves.”
A smile spreads across his face. “We are,” he agrees before he pushes in all the way and fills me to perfection.
* * *
Topher’s wake-up is a nice diversion, but it doesn’t change the dilemma I’m facing, and I know that I need some time away from him to figure out what to do. I can’t think rationally with his sweet attention all focused on me.
Luckily he has to get together with the band and rehearse today so I’m able to hustle him out the door with a promise that we’ll talk after his practice.
As soon as he’s safely on his way, I pick up my phone and call Margo. I’m past the point of worrying about her telling me, “I told you so”. I need help, and she’s the only one who can give it to me.
“Hey,” she says quietly when she answers.
“Can you talk?” I ask.
“Yeah. I’m just listening to some play back, just a sec.” She muffles the phone for a moment then comes back on. “Okay, I’m here. What’s going on?” she asks.
I take a deep breath because this hurts, and I hate it.
“I think things have gotten out of control.”
“Shit,” she answers, because she knows this can only be about him. “What happened?”
“We took things to the next level—we slept together…and he told me he loves me.”
“What?” Margo’s voice is a gasp. “He said that? The actual words?”
“Yeah, and I—”
“Wait. Just wait. Did you say them first?”
“No.”
“Did he say it while you were…you know?”
“No, after. Why does any of that matter?”
The line is silent for several moments. “I’ve never heard him say it,” she says so quietly it’s nearly a whisper. “Not to anyone. Ever.”
“You mean besides his mom and Carson.”
“No. I mean ever. To anyone.”
My jaw is slack and I picture his face in my mind the way he looked as he kissed me goodbye this morning before he left.
“Love you, Rachel,” he whispered in my ear.
Fuck.
“Oh, God.” I bury my face in my hand. “Margo? What am I going to do?”
“Do you feel the same way?”
I clear my throat. It’s clogged with so much emotion I can hardly speak. “Yes. So much. But I know that’s crazy, and more than that I know that there’s nothing I can do about it because I have to finish school and he lives here.”
Margo sighs, but it’s not one of impatience like she might normally give me, it’s one that’s sad and hopeless.
“What does he say about it?”
“He wants one of us to move, but you and I both know that’s not possible.”
“Shit, Rach. I told you…”
I feel the tears burning behind my eyes. “I know,” I whisper.
Then my big sister takes over, like big sisters do. No matter how badly I’ve screwed up she still loves me and she takes care
of me.
“It’s going to be okay. But you can’t let it drag on.”
I nod through my tears and manage to squeak out, “Okay.”
“You have to leave now, Rach. If you stay it’ll only get worse, and he’ll end up trying to do something stupid, like move to Colorado.”
I wipe my wet cheeks. “Okay,” I say shakily. “I’ll tell him tonight when he gets done with rehearsal.”
Margo’s voice is sad when she answers. “No, babe, you have to leave now. Before he has a chance to see you again. He’ll go nuts if you tell him. Just get the plane ticket, pack your stuff and go. Carson and I will deal with the fallout. We know how to handle him.”
My entire body rebels against that idea, but what am I supposed to do? I called and asked her for advice. I’m in way too deep, and every decision I’ve made up until now has led to this mess. I don’t trust my own judgment right now. I think I need to just do as Margo says.
“Get your tickets reserved, I’ll be done here in a couple of hours. I should be home by four,” she tells me.
I sob then, because I can’t believe it. I can’t believe the only way to fix this is to leave him without so much as a goodbye, but Topher doesn’t really accept things he doesn’t like. Margo’s right. He won’t let me go without a fight, and I’m too weak to fight him on it. It’ll end up with me quitting school or him quitting the band, and that will never work. We’ll never work if either of us gives up the thing we’re passionate about.
“I’m sorry, Rach,” Margo says gently. “I never wanted you to get hurt like this.”
“I know,” I sniff.
“It’ll get better, I promise.”
Some rational part of my mind knows this might be true, but my heart doesn’t believe a word of it, so I murmur something that sounds agreeable and end the call. Then I sit in Margo’s living room and cry as I go online and pay for a one-way ticket out of Los Angeles, away from Topher, against everything that my heart desires.
Topher
We’ve been rehearsing for hours before Blaze finally says we can take a break. I’m starving, so when Shannon comes in with the pizzas she had delivered I pounce, shoving in three slices before I stop chewing long enough to notice anything but the food.
“Hungry much?” Garrett asks, watching me with a smirk on his face.
“Rachel must be making him workout hard,” Blaze snickers.
I try not to smile, but I remember some of the things she and I were doing this morning and it makes me grin.
“Ho-ly shit,” Garrett gasps. “Has our Topher gone and done the deed?”
“Fuck off,” Carson mutters, glancing at me to see my reaction.
“He’s definitely been doing something,” Blaze adds. “Something bad that feels oh so good, huh, Toph?”
I roll my eyes at him and take another bite of pizza.
“So,” Dez says. “You really like her, huh?”
I chew my food before answering. “Yeah,” I say.
I see Blaze and Garrett look at each other. Carson looks at his pizza, but Dez just looks at me, the same way he always does.
“That’s great, man. I’m happy for both of you.”
“She’s hot,” Garrett adds. It gives me that same feeling I got when I saw him laughing with her.
“Hey, eyes off of Toph’s woman,” Blaze says, and I like that he called her that. My woman.
“So, maybe you should bring Rachel over to our place for dinner tonight,” Dez says, glancing over to where Shannon is standing in the corner of the big open practice space, her phone glued to her ear. “I’ll double-check with Shannon, but everybody could come over, Tully and Margo too, we can get some take out, have some beers on the beach.”
“Um, okay,” I say. “But I’m supposed to ask Rachel if she wants to come first.”
Dez grins and Blaze laughs. “You are.”
“You’re already a pro at this shit, dude,” Blaze adds. “You’ll make the rest of us look like slouches at the whole boyfriend thing.”
I smile because I like that too. I’ve never been anyone’s boyfriend before, and now I’ll be one and I’ll be good at it. Two things I’m good at in two days. I’m having a streak.
I look at Carson and he’s got a small smile on his face as he shakes his head. “Way to go, Toph,” he murmurs. Then he looks at me and says so quietly I’m the only one who will hear, “I’m proud of you.”
I nod, and I eat another slice of pizza, because having sex with your girlfriend then playing music all day takes a lot of energy, and I plan to do more of both before I go to sleep tonight.
* * *
It’s after six when we finally get done with rehearsal. Carson has been huddled in the corner on the phone with a weird expression on his face for fifteen minutes before he finally says he needs to leave. Dez and Shannon tell us all to come over at eight before they walk out. I stay half an hour longer than them because Blaze wants to work out the chorus on one song and needs me to pace him, but I already told Carson I’d see him at Dez’s. I’m going to drive straight to Margo’s to get Rachel. I text her while I’m walking to the car.
T: Dez and Shannon want us to come over for dinner with the band. Do you want to go?
I get in the car and start to drive towards Margo’s apartment. I keep glancing at my phone expecting to hear it chime with Rachel’s return text, but nothing comes in.
I get stuck in a typical L.A. traffic jam on the 405, and while I’m sitting dead stopped in a line of cars a few miles long I text her again.
T: Hey. Where are you?
We inch along for thirty minutes and still no reply. But I’m close enough to Margo’s now that I’ll just talk to her when I get there. Maybe she left her phone in a different room or something.
I arrive at Margo’s and I’m surprised to see Carson’s SUV parked out front. He must have come straight over here from practice. Why wouldn’t he have mentioned that?
I knock on the door and it opens immediately. Margo stands there with a strange look on her face that I’ve never seen before. Carson is sitting on the sofa in the living room watching me as I walk in. I can tell by his expression that something’s bad. It’s the same look he had when he told me that our mom had cancer.
“Where’s Rachel?” I ask as soon as I walk in. Shit. Shit. Shit. Something bad’s happening, I can feel it everywhere.
“Hey, you want a beer?” Margo asks rushing into the kitchen.
“No,” I answer still watching Carson. “I want to know where Rachel is.”
“Just come sit down,” he tells Margo. “You want to sit down with us?” he asks me.
I cross my arms and lean against the wall. No. I don’t want to sit down.
He runs a hand through his hair, and then leans his elbows back on his knees. Margo sits in an armchair. She’s stiff, and she kind of curls into herself. Her eyes are red too.
I feel panic start to build and my fists clench as my breath speeds up. My skin prickles and I get a wave of heat that spreads from my chest up to my hairline. Something’s bad. I can tell. Something’s really bad.
“So, Toph…I don’t know any good way to do this…Rachel had to leave,” Carson says, his voice rough.
“No,” I whisper.
“Topher,” Margo says gently. “It wasn’t going to work. She has to finish school and you have the band. Maybe in a couple of years when she graduates we could see if she can find a job out here…”
“No!” I say a lot louder. Something terrible pulls in my chest and everything goes hot, buzzing, flaming. “No, no, no,” I repeat over and over as I slide down the wall and hold my head in my hands rocking back and forth.
“Toph.” I can tell by her voice that Margo’s crying now, and I hear Carson walk across the room.
“She cares about you so much,” Margo says. “But it’s better this way, it really is. The more time you spent together the harder it was going to be to say goodbye.”
“I’m so sorry, man,” Carson adds.
“No,” I gasp, as hot, wet…tears slide down my face. Then Carson’s arms are around me.
“It’ll be okay, buddy,” he whispers as he holds me. “I promise, it’ll all be okay.”
“I want Mom,” I whisper back.
“I know,” he answers, his voice rough. “Me too.”
Rachel
By the time the plane lands in Denver I wish someone would just put me out of my misery. While I was sitting at the airport waiting for my flight to leave, the texts from Topher started. I dry heaved in the bathroom after getting them, but then I reminded myself of all the reasons why this was better. Margo called Carson to talk about it, and he agreed with her. “Make a clean break,” he said. “Just go, and we’ll handle him.”
I hate myself for it, but I know Topher would never have let me go if I’d tried to talk to him first, and I can’t let him leave his life to follow me around. He needs his music, his brother, and his band more than he needs me.
So, I shut the phone down, and I haven’t looked at it since. As I make my way through the airport I turn it back on to let Margo know that I landed safely. The first thing that pops up is another text from Topher. This one is one word only: Why?
My heart aches as I make my way to the underground trains that run to the main terminal. I climb on board and sit on one of the plastic benches, hitting the speed dial for Margo’s number. She answers on the first ring.
“Hey,” she says, sounding exhausted.
“I’m here. Tell me what happened.”
“Why would you want to do that to yourself?” she asks, her voice angry but tired. “Is it like some form of self-punishment? You think if you hear how badly it hurt him that it will somehow even the score?”
“No,” I answer, sounding like a tiny child. “I just…I miss him so much. I can’t stand the idea of him hurting because of me.”
She sighs. “Hon, it’s done. You have to get back to school, study hard, and forget all of this ever happened. He’s with his family now, we’ll take care of him. Your job is to take care of you.”
Dreaming of Rhapsody Page 8
