by Hawke, Jessa
Jen grimaced.
“And I'm sure you've noticed me noticing you and trying to get to know you a little better, albeit to no avail,” Ben said.
“So you want to pressure me into agreeing to dance with you instead of waiting and asking me like a gentleman would,” Jen said. “Well that makes perfect sense, now doesn't it?”
Ben rolled his eyes.
“You know, there are plenty of women that throw themselves at me on a daily basis,” he said. “Have I ever told you that?”
Now it was Jen's turn to show the whites of her eyes, as she gave them a huge roll.
“Oh, Jesus age fucking Christ,” Jen said. “Just what exactly is it that you want?”
Ben sat down in front of her and braced his forearms on his thighs as he leaned forward toward her desk in an effort to be earnest. Jen couldn't tell how much he'd had to drink, but she knew that she could smell it on him. That was usually a pretty good indicator that he was drunk, as far as Jen was concerned. But there was a big part of her that wanted to hear him out, that wanted Ben to say all the right things and sweep her off of her feet. After all, she was so lonely all of the time. That was something that she decided a while ago to admit to herself. She didn't think that it made her weak at all that she was lonely and longed for human affection; she thought it was normal to want those things. Jen just wasn't sure that she trusted that Ben could keep his ego in check and handle any kind of relationship, even the most superficial, physical kind. Ben opened his mouth to speak. Jen could tell by the look in his eyes that he was about to pour his heart out to her and she just didn't know if she could handle it right then.
“Stop!” Jen said.
Ben stopped with his mouth open, frozen like he was about to speak.
“Listen. Maybe, maybe, I'll dance with you when we get down there and eat. If I feel like it,” Jen said. “But as of right now it kind of looks like I'll probably have to miss going down because there are some emails I need to write and I just haven't gotten the alone time that I need to get them done.”
Jen smiled sweetly at as he got up to leave. As the door shut softly behind him with a click she let out a long sigh. It was good to be alone. All day long she had been with others without really having any company. Even though she was struggling with loneliness she still valued alone time over being around people she didn't want to. That was something that she had tried to convey to Ben time and again, that his forwardness, although cute sometimes, was really just making her drift further away from him. It was a simple concept, but one that she'd found that many men had a hard time understanding. So many guys thought that if they talked smooth and looked good then there was no way a women could not notice them, and there was especially no way that a woman would go out of her way to avoid associating with them. Ben was for sure one of those guys. He just never seemed to grasp that the reason that she didn't want to be around him was that she didn't find any of his bullshit attractive. The few times that she had found him genuine were the times that she had wondered if there really was more to Ben than a former frat boy seeking the approval and romantic attention of the women around him.
As Jen scanned her emails she wondered what made people like Ben not realize that romance was a little bit like supply and demand sometimes, the less they made themselves available the more people might want their company. But instead of looking at it like that Ben tried to push himself onto others. Jen knew she wasn't the only girl that Ben was trying to work his ways on. The old front desk girl had left eventually because things had gotten weird between her and Ben after they slept together. Jen had warned her not to, that she didn't think that Ben would be able to handle it when it was all said and done, but the young woman decided to sleep with him anyway. Then the flowers started showing up at her desk, and when she didn't reply in kind with affection, even more flowers showed up. When she didn't return the love notes that always hung in the middle of all the blooming colors with notes of her own, Ben started sending chocolates, and then big teddy bears. Finally, as if to completely jump the tracks of what was considered acceptable, Ben bought her a two hundred dollar gas card. Jen had wondered what he was thinking and if Ben would have run it past her before doing it, she would have begged him to think twice. But Ben wasn't the kind of person that liked to hesitate after he thought of what struck him as a good idea. So there the young woman at the front desk had stood, looking at a two hundred dollar gas card and feeling cheaper and cheaper by the moment. Somewhere along the way it had stopped being about what they might have had together, or what Ben wanted to have, or what she didn't want to have, and had started to be all about Ben and how he didn't like rejection.
That was when the front desk girl decided to take a job somewhere else. Jen hadn't really paid attention to where, although she wished the young woman the best of luck. Jen just didn't have it in her to keep close track of all the office romances; every time someone slept with someone or snubbed someone else wasn't at all interesting to her. Jen figured it was one of the reasons that she spent so much time at the courthouse. Down at the courthouse, as chaotic as things were, at least it was a place where she felt like she had control of what was happening, or at the very least some kind of input. It dawned on Jen as she thought about it that maybe she needed to talk to her bosses about Ben. Maybe a few words from the partners would straighten him out. But that would be rocking the boat, and Jen already felt like she did plenty of that. Besides, she thought, Ben had kind of straightened up a little bit when the desk girl decided to go as far as to transfer jobs, so maybe things would be all right in the future.
“Hey, how are things going,” a voice said.
Jen looked up from typing an email that she wasn't really paying attention to and found Jimmy, one of the senior partners, sticking his head through the door.
“Jimmy!” Jen said. “Come in!”
Jimmy was the eldest of the partners, at around fifty, and also the smartest. He didn't let any of it go to his head, though, and all the employees of the firm loved him for that. There wasn't anything that Jimmy wouldn't talk about with his employees, who he treated like his own flesh and blood.
“How are things going for you?” Jimmy said. “I've heard rumor around the office that you spend far too much time working. What's going on Jen? Do you want to talk?”
Jen was a little bit taken aback by the tone of the visit. Usually when Jimmy wanted to talk it was always about things that were light hearted and easy to unload. But this time Jimmy wanted to wade right into her love life. Jen hesitated to reveal too much about herself, but then figured it couldn't hurt anything if she let Jimmy know what was really going on. After all, Jimmy was the kind of guy that rewarded people who made themselves vulnerable by being honest.
“Jimmy, can I level with you?” she asked.
Jimmy smiled.
“Always, Jen.”
“I have been having a rough go of things as of late,” Jen said. “There are quite a few issues I've been trying to tackle. All of them internal, or almost internal. You see I . . . well, what I mean to say is that I . . .”
Jen couldn't get herself to say it. She wondered what part of it was giving her so much trouble. Was it that she thought of Jimmy as a kind of father figure?
“You aren't getting laid,” Jimmy said.
“It's not just that,” Jen said. “If it were it would be a lot simpler. But you're right, I'm not getting laid. And it sucks. A lot. But I don't want to just get laid, I want to have some real affection from someone that I know and can trust. I don't know if I'm looking for a boyfriend exactly, and I don't know if I would really have time for one considering how busy I am. And yes I do work too much, but I care about what I do. It's important for me to get every little thing right. It gives me confidence and that, in turn, and more importantly, gives my clients confidence in me.”
Jimmy leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head.
“I know exactly what you mean,” he said. “And believe me,
I know that life is a lot harder for women than it is for men. Always has been, and probably will be for the foreseeable future. As much as we like to think of this nation as being on the bleeding edge of progress it just simply isn't, and Iowa for sure isn't, even if marriage equality somehow exists here.”
Jen nodded while she listened. Jimmy was one of the few people she got to interact with that had wisdom she actually wanted to hear.
“There are no easy answers, or choices,” Jimmy continued. “But you need to get laid. That much I am certain. Everyone, absolutely everyone, needs to get laid every once in a while. And you just so happen to be in luck! There is a dance tonight! And I know that you aren't too hot on the Ben fellow. And to be honest, I'm not either. I had to talk to him after he chased off the last front desk girl.”
“You talked to him about that?” Jen asked, surprised.
“I certainly did,” Jimmy said. “I can't have some young buck trying so hard to fuck the front desk girl that she decides to quit. I actually liked that girl because she was good at her job! But does Ben care about that? No, of course not.”
“So you can understand why I want nothing to do with him?” Jen asked.
“Of course I understand, but I'm just saying that he is alive, and does, most likely, have a functioning penis,” Jimmy said. “If I may be so blunt as to point out the painfully obvious by how that blow-hard acts.”
“You don't seem to be very fond of him,” Jen said.
“I'm not,” Jimmy said. “That's why I plan on transferring him soon. He won't be fired or anything, just working at our sister firm in another city. The people he'll work with will be much more his speed. Right now I don't think he meshes too well here and I know it wears on him as well as it wears on others.”
“You mean you're actually going to get rid of him?” Jen said.
“Now, now, my dear,” Jimmy said. “I wouldn't think of it like that. I'm not getting rid of him, just moving him to another pasture where he will be much happier, I think.”
Jen nodded.
“But before he leaves you could always have some fun with him,” Jimmy said. “That's why I'm letting you know, because you can dance with him tonight and see where things go without having to worry about what happens in the future. He'll only be with us another week or so, if that.”
Jimmy got up to leave.
“And do work less, dear,” Jimmy said. “Don't take offense to me saying this but you look tired, worn down. It never hurt anyone to rest.”
Jen stood up as Jimmy left.
“No, I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a break,” Jen said. “What day is tomorrow anyway? Tuesday?”
“Count it as a preemptive Saturday,” Jimmy said. “But you will have to come back for Wednesday through Friday.”
Jimmy smiled back at her as the door slowly closed behind him and clicked closed. Jen's mind raced with the new information she'd just been made privy too. Ben wouldn't be with the firm much longer, meaning that if she wanted to she could probably sleep with him and not have to deal with him being clingy in the future, if everything worked out like Jimmy said. But Jen was pretty sure that Jimmy sounded fairly serious when he spoke about it to her. It wasn't just him running his mouth about how bad the food was down at the local deli. He had lost a valuable asset to the company when the desk girl had decided to relocate. Ben didn't see it that way though and that was apparent. Ben was new, and had no idea how hard it was to find a decent front desk girl who was willing to work on weekends and wasn't a lush that would come into work drunk all the time. All Ben cared about was that women loved him, and to him it didn't really even matter that much what women. Just as long as someone was accepting him and showing him affection, he was happy. But wasn't that the same boat that Jen was in, currently? She didn't really care who it was, as long as it was someone.
“Maybe it wouldn't be so bad,” Jen said to herself as she shut her computer down.
*****
The place that the firm was having dinner, drinks, and dancing at turned out to be a restaurant that was frequented by old and square people. Jen could tell that the partners had been aiming for something a little more hip and wondered if some business person who thought that they had been looking for a place with people their age in it had sent them here. The firm sat a long table with many seats and listened to a few toasts from various people. After that, dinner was served. The food wasn't terrible, but also wasn't the best. Jen wondered what exactly Jimmy and the other partners thought of the place, especially since it had turned out to be everything that she knew they had wanted to avoid. She didn't have to wonder for long, though, because as dinner wound down Jimmy stood up as if to make a toast, but instead just made an announcement.
“I know things tonight have been kind of a bust,” Jimmy said. “But rest assured that the DJ we hired knows what he is doing. And to make up the rest of it to all of you I've comped all the drinks at the bar, but you all have to promise me that you won't drive home drunk!”
People hooted and hollered at the news that drinks were free and all of the newer, younger employees like Ben rushed down to the bar to grab tall boys. Jen decided to wait a little bit before going down to the bar and grabbing a drink to avoid looking like part of the herd. That was something else that Ben was painfully unaware of, how when he behaved like everyone else it made him appear expendable, like it didn't matter at all if he was let go or transferred. Something that Jen had learned a long time ago about the firm was that the partners were looking for unique individuals that they couldn't just replace at the drop of a hat. They wanted men and women that made themselves invaluable. Ben just wasn't one of those people. Jen felt a strange pang of emotion deep down inside of her. Why was she feeling sorry for Ben, though? Didn't he have some kind of responsibility for his actions? Maybe if he didn't constantly act like some frat boy that only thought about pussy and booze he wouldn't be getting cut from the best law firm in town.
But maybe he wasn't really getting cut. Jimmy had never said if Ben was getting a raise or not. That was another thing the partners liked to do, transfer the people they didn't want around anymore, give them a small raise, and tell them that they were being promoted and moving on to bigger and better things. The people that they let go were the always the egotistical kind that ate up anything anyone said to them like that. Jimmy was especially good at stroking peoples' egos, and it was kind of his go-to thing when he wanted to let someone go without them causing too much of a stink and without him looking like the bad guy. People that just told employees to hit the bricks looked like assholes, and Jimmy wanted to look like the paternal boss who ran a tight ship, not like some tyrant who exiled anyone that didn't strike him as particularly capable. Jimmy handled most of the transfers because the rest of the partners didn't give a good God damn if they hurt anyone's feelings or not. They just didn't care. To them the game had always been, and would always be, cutthroat at best. Jimmy always tried to balance this out by doing things his way, even though Jen heard rumors that the rest of the partners grumbled that he was being too nice and coddling people that they didn't even want around anymore. Nevertheless Jimmy's way was what kept happening because Jimmy always got his way. Although Jen wondered how many people would give Jimmy his way tonight and call a cab home instead of driving drunk.
As the rest of the employees trickled down to the bar Jen decided the time was right to head down there herself. The bar was downstairs from them one floor, as the table they had all been eating at was on the second story of the restaurant. The place had a hard time giving the people eating and drinking there any kind of privacy and the dance floor was tiny. Jen wasn't sure what everyone was going to do when they got nice and drunk, but she was sure that the party wouldn't be leaving anytime soon considering that all the drinks were currently being comped by their super rich employers.
“How are you doing?”
At first Jen didn't register who the voice belonged to but then she realized it was Ben standing besid
e her at the bar.
“I'm all right, I guess,” Jen said. “This whole thing has been a little bit awkward. I feel like the partners got roped into this place through some kind of bad suggestion or something.”
“Yeah, I do as well,” Ben said. “It just doesn't seem like the kind of place they would be interested in hanging out in at all. You know what I mean? I guess I just don't see any of them willingly hanging out with the AARP crowd.”
“My thoughts exactly,” Jen said. “But maybe they did pick this place out, who knows.”
Ben started to say something but then the DJ put a record on and the wale of trumpets and saxophones came over the sound system.
“Do you want to dance?” Ben said.
“This isn't really my kind of music,” Jen said. “Maybe if better music comes on in a little bit.”
“Oh, come on,” Ben said. “Life is too short to wait for the next song or whatever. Just come out here and dance with me!”
“Can I get a couple of drinks in me first?” Jen asked.
Ben finally relented. After a few drinks the music sounded a little better and Jen cared a lot less of what people thought of her dancing moves. She headed out onto the floor and with Ben and then the night got really hazy. Before she knew it Ben had his hands on her waist and was rocking both of them back and forth with the music. At first Jen tried to keep about six inches between the both of them but then she realized how ridiculous that was considering they weren't eighth graders. Jen slowly let Ben pull her into him, so that her cheek was resting on his chest as they slow danced around the room. Dance steps that she didn't realize she even remembered came back to her and she and Ben easily maneuvered around the floor like they had been dancing together for years. The lights dimmed and Jen realized that some of their peers were pairing up and leaving. She looked around for the partners but they were nowhere to be found. She thought to herself how pleased Jimmy must have been when he saw them slowly dancing together. After what seemed like a few songs of dancing Jen headed back to the bar to get both of them drinks.
