by Hawke, Jessa
Is it?
Nate can’t look Alex in the eye. He knows he should back away, pretend to be disgusted, and it worries him that he’s not. It worries him that the closer Alex’s face gets to him, the softer his brown eyes look, the more touchable his skin. And when their lips meet, it’s not the hard, dry peck that most guys would give each other if forced into this situation. Alex has plenty of experience, he’s good at this. Dozens of girls open their own bra clasps for him, all roads lay open, but Nate never expected him to also be gentle.
It may not last longer than a few moments, but for Christina, the kiss goes on forever, searing itself into her memory for years to come. The way that Nate presses hungrily into Alex’s mouth, the way that Alex holds Nate’s face with both hands and parts his lips gently with his tongue. Sure, they laugh it off the next day, blaming the alcohol and the weed, but she knows what she saw. She saw the heat rise to two pairs of cheeks, and knows that there was more truth to the way they clawed each other’s shoulders to mask what they both seemed to want. But she dares not say it out loud.
Because the next day, Christina’s grandmother has called her home. Her father finally landed her mother into the hospital and all hell is about to break loose.
* * *
She supposes ten years is a long time. It takes marriages less time to break up, less time for the dying to breathe their last, less time for a man to enter a woman and leave her. It takes less than ten years to gain a degree, less than ten years to get pregnant and give birth.
What she wonders is that ten years has not erased the trio, somehow.
She knows that after she left that summer, Nate and Alex only stayed until the end of the week. After they received the news that her mother was on life support, nobody felt right staying and enjoying the rest of the summer in the place that was so closely associated with her. Her father had left the country, running from the law enforcement that would have landed him in jail with a hefty sentence. She knew that none of them, neither she, nor Nate or Alex, had returned to Sylvester’s since then.
She knew because the Internet was truly a wonderful thing.
Although she blessed any and every deity that be or not be that she had had the gift of a childhood free from most modern electronics, Christina was also grateful for the fact that in her adult life, it had connected her with her three childhood friends. It was ironic, almost, how she found them. College and her own personal trust issues had made her more of a loner than she would have liked, and in an effort to meet more like-minded people her own age, Christina joined a Meetup group for hikers who loved upstate bungalow colonies.
And lo and behold, fate led her back to Alex and Nate.
It was as if no time at all had passed, as if their four and a half summers together had bonded them in a way they could have never hoped for before. Someone in the group posted that they were looking for a place to host a weekend trip for everyone, and Nate was the one who jumped in and suggested Sylvester’s. Because it had turned out that he lived less than ten miles from Christina, they agree to drive up their together. It is as if ten years have not passed by at all; they bandy words back and forth as if this chance meeting is not a random toss of the dice at all. Girlfriends, boyfriends, sports, journalistic careers.
“Well, you were never very good at the whole spoken word thing,” Christina teases him, marveling at the man he has transformed into. Gone is the old Nate that she wants to take under her wing; this young man driving the car next to her is just that—a man, with a solid body and adult clothes that he is no longer swimming in. In fact, his jeans fit him so well, when he lifted her bag into the trunk, her heart almost stopped. She snags on the fact that he’s now into guys, as well, recalling that last rather momentous event of their final summer at Sylvester’s.
“When did you realize that you were bi?” she asks, hardly believing she is having this conversation with the same person she found under the weeping willow all those years ago.
“Oh, you know, pretty much the minute I saw Alex that last summer,” he tells her lightly, and she crows out loud.
“I knew it! I knew that kiss was real!”
Nate laughs out loud, but he looks slightly uncomfortable. “Yeah, but he doesn’t know, so don’t tell him, okay? I don’t want to freak him out, especially right after we all reunited, you know?”
There’s the Nate she knows and loves. Christina smiles. “You sure? Maybe it was L-O-V-E and not in the bro sense,” she teases.
“Nah, he was always staring at your ass, anyway,” he tells her flatly, and she gasps and smacks his shoulder. But she can tell he feels better now that he’s gotten it off his chest.
“Boy, did I miss out,” she says, closing her eyes and leaning her head against the seat.
“No, um, actually, we were both kind of in love with you, too,” he mumbles, and her eyes fly open. Her heart is actually thudding against her ribs. This is most certainly unexpected news. For so many years, all she could think about was the longing in their kiss; she never thought that all those jokes and all the roughhousing actually meant something.
“So you’re telling me that the whole time, you two wanted to do the dirty with me?”
“Not the whole time. It took us a while to look past the angry face.”
The revelation continues all the way up to the green expanse of pines bordering Sylvester’s.
The Meetup group has rented out half of Sylvester’s colony. Nate finds Sylvester somehow looking younger than ever despite all the years that have passed, and he’s chatting with some guy in low-rise jeans and a soft cotton T-shirt. It takes him a minute to recognize Alex through the haze of new tattoos and self-assured aura. They hug like they’re going off to war tomorrow, but there is sincerity in their eyes. Also an unspoken question.
“Sylvester, you’re gonna give us our old bungalow again?” Alex teases.
“Net, I’ve got the big house for the big groups now,” the old man tells him, his voice a little hoarser than they all remember. “I can’t handle the cleanup for a million destroyed bungalows anymore.”
Sylvester is not kidding. The multi-story bungalow house reserved for the group of twenty who has driven upstate is already strewed everywhere with clothes, bottles, and paddles, not to mention sleeping bags. People are expecting to pile into one big room for one big party, but the trio is not interested in this. They know they only came up here for each other.
This time, it’s Christina who brings the Scotch and Alex who bangs ice cubes out of a little crappy plastic tray. As they down one drink after another, they talk about summers past, recalling the awkwardness of pubescence with an ease and comfort that only comes to people who trust each other wholly. They are all a little buzzed, and Alex is resting an elbow on Nate’s shoulder when someone brings up that last summer.
“Man, that was the best summer,” Nate drawls, lolling around, his head dipping so low to the ground that he falls out of her range of view for a moment.
Christina wrinkles her nose. “What was so great about that summer?” she asks.
Alex and Nate share a look, one that is so clearly mischievous that Christina feels a nice kind of dirty feeling slide all the way down her stomach. She clamps her thighs, decked out in denim shorts together on that tingle. Nate nudges Alex, and finally, Alex says, “Well, darlin’, that was the summer your tits REALLY came in.” And smiles.
Christina lunges for him, but the days of her overpowering him are over, and soon, he’s got her pinned, the muscles of his upper arms bulging against the tanned fuzziness of his skin in a way that makes her want to lick him. She looks at his face, notices he’s smiling, and knows that he wants this to go farther as much as she does. Some things only grow, after all.
“Nate had a crush on you,” she blurts out before she can stop herself. She doesn’t know what it is that makes her say it—maybe it’s that terrible whirling feeling that everything is about to change in an instant, and she can’t control it no matter how much she w
ants to. So in one single second, she has broken her friendship trust of fifteen years and also successfully shifted attention away from herself. Because now Alex is on his haunches, staring hard at Nate, who is in turn, looking at her with a shocked expression on his face.
“Christina!” he hisses, and she spies the little boy in him again, realizing he was never far from the surface to begin with.
Alex is looking at him, and the expression on his face is one of shock mingling with delight. Nate returns it with one of his own, a mixture of fear and apprehension. Alex moves off of Christina and sits down next to Nate, reaching out to touch his face in a gesture that is familiar from ten years ago.
“Who would have thought?” Alex says softly, stroking his cheek. Christina watches as he leans in and kisses Nate on the mouth. They consume each other hungrily, grasping each other’s faces fiercely, Alex’s hands intertwining in Nate’s hair, caressing it, winding great handfuls of it on his wrist, Nate’s face scrunching in something that bordered pain with pleasure.
And then, as if in a dream of sorts, they open their duo of bodies to welcome her, and stretch out their hands.
“Idi k nam, come here,” they tell her, their hands stretching out towards her.
There are tangles of tongues and firm, yet tentative kisses down shoulders and arms. Alex licks Christina on the neck and she squirms, gasping out loud at the sensation. She rakes her fingernails down his back, and he shivers in response; she watches his back tremble, feeling the sharp edges of his haircut underneath her fingers.
She does not expect to react the way she does when Nate drinks her in for a kiss, but he tastes so much like summer, like the sweet-scented air of it, that she forgets to breathe. Perhaps it’s because she remembers the boy he used to be and wasn’t, until this moment, sure of what kind of lover he would be. She decides she likes it.
They lay, triple length, on the floor together. The positions change throughout the night, flickering past the psyche like a movie reel.
There is Christina, smack in between them both, Nate’s member in one hand and Alex’s in the other, working them up and down while they suck on her nipples, those full breasts that have grown out of the shame of her early adolescence and have haunted their dreams for the past ten years. There is Alex, his mouth full of Nate, with the river of Nate’s hair falling deeper and deeper down his back as he arches his neck in response to the sucking motions. He is falling deeper into Alex, unable to believe that when he looks down, he sees those chocolate-brown eyes from his childhood, the ones that are looking up at him with joy filled at his joy, driving him over the edge, milking him dry. There is Nate, holding Christina’s breasts in his hands, licking the sweat off of her body as she rides astride Alex, who parts her with his hands, with his cock, the sharp jut of his hipbones stark against his tan flesh. And that is the moment that circles above her head as she floats out of her body to watch; it is her two childhood friends, the only men she has ever trusted, the trio joined at the body in the same way their souls have been colliding for years.
As she watches herself, Christina finally sees what Nate and Alex have seen for years, the wildness in her, the brutality that is so luscious to tame. She is the proud lioness joining her mates, Nate sliding into her from behind and Alex watching her breasts and face bounce, writhe and contort as he pumps in and out of her. When her body is wracked with orgasm, she smiles up at the imaginary lioness in her, and locks eyes.
This is where it was all meant to be.
THE END
Seeking Obsession
You know what I always found to be annoying? Imagining the future. Yes, that’s right I think it is only ends up in unfulfilled expectations and disappointment. Why? Well, it’s simple. When we’re younger we tend to think that when we get out of one situation, our next phase in life will always be better, things will always go our way and the issues that do get in our way will be so infinitesimal that they wouldn’t even matter. That is of course, until we get to that new phase and reality sets in. The reason that I say this is because I’m no different from the other ten million other teen hopefuls that pack up their lives hoping that college will be the key to their awesomeness. I thought moving away was going to be the key to everything that I had been missing in high school, but the sad truth was I was just as mediocre, if not more, than I was back home. There were no awesome keg parties and I wasn’t the big “sister” in some big name sorority, and I definitely wasn’t SGA material. In fact, the only real fun I had was these crazy book club meetings that I’d go to with Sharae my roommate. But wait a sec…I’m getting way ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning.
My name is Miranda Marie Hartwell—Mimi for short. I’m originally from St. Paul Minnesota, the world’s coldest place both physically and socially. I came from a family of really straight-laced people. Dad was a bank accountant and Mom was a kindergarten teacher; seriously boring but great parents. Needless to say, my life was equally dull. This was mostly due to the ever-powerful social ladder that ruled high school in Minnesota. Where I come from, the jocks were the ones that ruled the schools, they and their skinny perky-tit cheerleader girlfriends were the crème de la crème and whatever they wanted they were locked down for it. Next were the band kids, followed by the theatre geeks, then the color guard, and what category did I fit into for those four excruciating years of my life?…The other category. Yup, that was me; I was one of the others, part of the outcasts of high school. Simply an uninteresting girl that got great grades but was certainly invisible, which was kind of ironic seeing as how I was two hundred and fifty eight pounds. This was the shittiest part of all because while a few people had been able to change their rung in the high school social ladder by dying their hair or wearing a super padded push-up bra, I had nowhere to socially progress. For girls like me, if you were fat before High school and during high school, then it was clear that you were going to be fat after high school, so often times no one gave me the time of day. No one cared about us bigger girls-- that was of course unless you were smart, then you were valuable until after finals.
During these four years of agony I never had a boyfriend, in fact the only guy I did get along with and had a crush on was one of the most popular guys in school. Unfortunately, that died out the night of prom when he took me out of the school gym and kissed me. The reason I say unfortunate is because after he kissed me, I was so happy and giddy that someone as hot as him was actually into me, and then that happiness was ripped out of me when I heard him scream that he wanted his money for having to kiss me. Turns out it was a stupid bet conjured up by his stupid friends as a final joke at my expense. After that I was determined that when I walked across the stage the next week at graduation I was going to leave all of that negativity of high school behind and go to college to start fresh. I decided that I wasn’t going to be the invisible girl that everyone saw as something to play with any more. In fact, I was going to start my life completely over.
I’d gotten accepted into several colleges all over the country, and a few here in Minnesota. After serious deliberation, I chose to go to the University of Southern California. The one place in the world where I thought that people loved you just because you were breathing and it wasn’t hard to be the life of the party, my goal, after all, was to be a leading expert in psychology and that was the best place for it. No one would know me or even care about the crappy life that I left behind. A fresh start, in a new environment would be just what I needed. It was hard convincing my parents that it was the best move, but I knew they would cave. After a busy summer, I packed up everything I owned and high-tailed it to Cali just knowing that my world was going to change. Yeah right; cue reality check.
Now here I am in present day, sophomore year and I’m just as fucking sad as I had been back home, in fact to be honest, it was worse now. The first few moments that I stepped foot on this campus last year I felt like the life that I left behind had gone down the toilet and my life was destined for greatness. I ha
d everything planned, I was going to start going to all the campus events— parties, campus functions whatever. My goal was to have my face seen and to socialize with anyone and everyone, even if it meant volunteering my time at some function sponsored by campus, I wanted new people to see my personality and really get to know me. I even had plans to lose some weight and finally drop below two-hundred in order to be healthier. If I was lucky, I would be able to meet a hot guy and get something going. Needless to say none of it happened, after I got here I didn’t realize that most of the money I needed for tuition still had to be split between paying for housing every month and paying for food. Since I didn’t have enough money, I wound up having to work two jobs just to stay afloat so that gave me no time for a social life, and as far as losing weight - epic fail. The only club I did manage to join was the “freshman fifteen”, due to all of the pizza and sub sandwiches I’d been eating everyday on my way to work. Even though I’d gotten along with people, no one knew me and just like at home, I was once again fading into obscurity.
I went home for the summer feeling like an absolute failure, and my mom tried to convince me that maybe there was some divine reason as to why I wasn’t noticed and gave me her whole speech about how good things come to those who wait. Of course that was right after she gave me a five month supply of diet pills. I hated feeling like a failure and going back home, however brief it was, it was just another reminder of how uninteresting my life was. The whole summer vacation I did the same things I did at school, plopped in front of the couch after a busy day at work and watched TV, clutching a pint of my favorite ice cream. Even now I hate thinking about that, mostly because I’m already a month into sophomore year and I’m doing the exact same thing. I’m stuck in this awful pattern, just aching to break free.
