by Jaci Wheeler
It’s finals week! We all turned eighteen over the last few months; being the baby of the bunch, I was the last one. I’m so nervous and excited that I haven’t been able to sleep all week. We have no clue what day or time we will be taken, or where we will be grabbed, but we know it’s going to be hell.
The final lasts as long as it takes to break you, or until they deem you unbreakable. Nothing about it sounds fun; not even my competitive side can muster any enthusiasm for it to be anything but over.
I’ve seen many people cry and leave; I’ve seen them have nervous breakdowns and never recover. It’s frightening and enough to make you want to do support, which is what a lot of people decide to do so they don’t have to field test.
But there’s something about it that gives me validation, like if I can pass this, nothing else will ever be that bad and that my whole life’s work will finally be worth it. I might finally earn my father’s love. So as terrified as I am, I just want to get it over with.
The longest anyone has ever been in the final is six days and that was my old handler. Word has it he almost died, but they couldn’t break him, not even a tear. Cameron refuses to talk about his final except to say that he will do everything in his power to prepare me for mine.
Starting today they will start grabbing trainees when they least expect it and the final will begin. I’m thinking it’s going to happen when I’m asleep, but you never know. Tali was grabbed earlier while we were eating lunch and I’ve never seen anyone look so scared before. I thought the poor thing was going to go into cardiac arrest right then and there.
I know she wasn’t the first trainee grabbed, just the first one from our group. Cameron just shook his head and said he gives her an hour. I don’t care what he says, I’m rooting for her. Just as I get in bed and turn off my light, there is a pounding on my door. My heart is in my throat. They wouldn’t knock first, would they? I cautiously get up and check the peephole. My heart sinks even further. It can’t be. I open the door and Tali comes flying into my arms sobbing.
“Shhh, hey now, you are ok. You are safe Tali; I got you.”
She is shaking like a leaf, so bad that I’m worried she is in shock. I bring her over to my bed and wrap her in my warmest blanket.
“I’m going to get you some hot tea, ok?” I tell her but she doesn’t move; she just keeps sobbing and shaking like she doesn’t even hear me. I’m getting really worried now. Obviously, she didn’t pass, but it would have to be bad for her to be like this, right? I mean, she is a very gentle soul, but I think they actually broke her. It sends fire into my veins that anyone could hurt such a delicate person. I finish making her tea and sit down next to her.
“Here honey, try a few sips. It will help to warm you up, but you need to calm down so you don’t burn yourself.”
She tries to take a sip, but she’s shaking so bad it spills out of the cup a bit. The water is hot, but she doesn’t even seem to notice that it sloshed all over her hand.
“Here, let me.” I take the cup and slowly bring it to her lips. I give her a few sips and then bring her to me where I hold her and rub her back, whispering to her that she is safe over and over. I’m not sure what to do, but she seems to be calming down so I don’t say anything.
If she wants to talk she will, all I can do is be there for her. She finally calms down two hours later and falls asleep. I wait a few minutes to make sure she’s out and I sneak out of bed and shut myself in the bathroom to call Cameron.
“Are you ok?” is his greeting. It’s just now that I see that it’s 2 am.
“Yeah. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how late it was.”
He blows out a breath.
“Geez, Aria, you scared the life out of me! “
“I’m sorry for waking you, and for worrying you, but it's Tali.”
He blows out another harsh breath.
“I told her not to do it; I knew she wasn’t ready. I don’t know why she didn’t listen; she should be in support where she belongs,” he rants and I roll my eyes.
“None of that does her any good now, Cam, she’s a total mess. Like seriously, I’ve never seen anyone so upset. What did they do to her? Is she going to be alright or should I call the doctor to come check on her?”
I hear him curse under his breath.
“Cam? What should I do?”
“What is she doing now?”
“Sleeping, but it took hours to calm her down. She’s been sobbing and shaking and I think her body just gave up. Did they hurt her? Does she need to be seen?” I asked again.
“No, Aria, she will be fine.”
“Fine? This girl is not fine. How do you know she wasn’t hurt? Were you there?” I ask, raising my voice. I know it’s just his job and I shouldn’t be mad, but I swear if he hurt my friend I’m never going to forgive him.
“Calm down. No, I wasn’t there, but the first stage isn’t anything physical.” He let that sink in a bit, but then in almost a whisper he says, “But it is also the hardest phase. They break you, Ari, they emotionally strip you bare. You have to be able to shut down your emotions completely and go somewhere else, be someone else. You can’t let them in. Tali is too sweet; she wouldn’t know how to do that. No, physically she is fine, but mentally I can’t be so sure.”
I let out a sigh of relief.
“Ok, as long as you are sure they didn’t hurt her, then I can help. She will get better; I will help her.”
“Help her, be with her, but don’t make her talk. If she wants to, she will. But Aria, don’t let your guard down. Remember, they will come for you at some point, and when they do it’s probably best that Tali isn’t with you.”
Crap, he’s right. I can’t leave her by herself. As sweet as Tali is she doesn’t have any close friends. I’m surprised she came to me at all. My first idea is to make Cam watch her. He at least knows what she’s going through. But Cam is scary on a normal day; I don’t think he’s going to be very comforting to a girl scared out of her wits.
“You are right. Well, the best option is to have Hope stay with her. She won’t be taking the final so there’s no chance of her having to relive it. I’ll go wake her and see if she can come stay with her tonight.”
“Don’t worry; it won’t be tonight. The morning will be fine.” This makes me perk up.
“You know when they are taking me?”
“Not exactly. They will give me a heads up because I am allowed to view if I want. I don’t know the day, but it isn’t tonight.”
Well, that’s a relief at least. This means I should sleep as much as I can tonight.
“Ok, thanks, Cam.”
“You are welcome.”
“Cam?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you going to watch?”
He sighs.
“Yeah, Aria, I am.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m your handler.”
“Is it going to be hard for you?” I know I shouldn’t push him, but he’s been my handler now for almost three years and I’d like to think he feels something more than disdain for me.
“It won’t be easy. Goodnight,” he says and hangs up.
Well, that’s better than nothing I guess.
***
Tali wakes up whimpering a few times during the night, but I whisper to her that she’s safe. The only thing I could get out of her was that it was horrible. She just kept saying it over and over again.
My heart breaks for her, and even though I was worried before I’m downright terrified now. Not to mention I’m getting more pissed by the minute.
How dare they play God with our lives likes this, terrifying us, breaking us, making us feel worthless, all because we can’t pass some test they deem worthy. I fall asleep seething, thinking about all the ways I’m going to make them pay, to make them feel unworthy. I almost hope they take me soon.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Aria
It’s been three days, three days and two of
my friends have failed the final. Corbin failed yesterday after being gone for two days. Two days of torture for him to get cut anyway.
It just doesn’t seem right. Of course, they aren’t kicked out from the program, unless they want to be at least, so they have options. But it’s humiliating, and I can tell by the way Corbin and Tali have completely distanced themselves now that they feel less worthy.
They now have three options: leave the Academy altogether, which is all we’ve ever known; join the support team, since we are all trained in every area; or the last option, which I think is the worst and that is to retrain and take the final again next year.
You would get a new handler, since obviously your first one failed, then you take all your classes over again and have to redo your missions and the final. If you pass, you become a field agent, but you get a lower position. If you don’t pass you are faced with the same options.
As far as I know, only one person has taken the final again after they failed. They passed, but none of the other agents would show him the respect he deserved. I would think he would have earned more respect. After all, he had to go through that hell twice, and they only did once. To go through that and willingly putting yourself through it again, you would have earned my respect, that’s for sure.
Our table is subdued and quiet today at lunch. Even Hope seems down today, which is a rarity for her. She is always so full of energy. Trevor hasn’t said much of anything since we found out about Corbin. I think it’s finally sinking in that we could be next.
Since Keller was the first of us to pass his final, he isn’t allowed back at the dorms until they are over. Lee was taken yesterday and our nerves are on edge for him. I think they are picking me last. They are using the nerves and anguish against me. I can just hear my father now, telling them to torment me by making me watch everyone I love in pain.
“Make her stronger; push her to be better.”
I’ve come to the conclusion that Edward Richards is the devil. So I guess that makes me the spawn of Satan…awesome!
***
Cameron and I are sitting near the pond, doing nothing but dangling our feet in. I’m exhausted and I’m trying to save up all my fight for the final. I know it’s going to be soon; I can feel it. Cameron hasn’t said another word about it since the night I called him about Tali.
“You really aren’t going to tell me? You know you could ease my nerves a lot if you did.”
“There’s nothing to tell, Aria,” he growls out. He has been in a horrible mood this week, even for him, which of course gets me all riled up.
“Of course there is, Cameron. You can say, ‘oh, be prepared today,’ or how about, ‘don’t worry, Ari, get a good night’s sleep tonight.’ You do have a heads up and I find it horrible that you won’t even clue me in.”
“And I find it horrible that all you can do is think about yourself while your friends are failing and suffering, but I guess that’s just me.”
Well, that shuts me up. We sit there just dangling our feet in the pond for a while, neither one of us saying anything. I can’t take it any longer. I know Cameron and I aren’t friends, but I’d like to think we are closer than enemies. We are both working toward the same goal; the least we can do is be civil.
“Ok Cam, I can’t take this anymore. Will you please talk to me?”
He just sighs and looks at me but doesn’t say anything. He gathers all his hair into a high bun and secures it with a band from around his wrist. After a few more minutes he lets out another sigh and looks toward the water.
“I hate final week.”
“But you passed, right? On your first time.” He nods.
“I did.”
“Is it really that bad?” He turns and looks at me now.
“It wasn’t the final that was bad, Aria. I can turn myself off, shut myself down. Not engage. They hate and love it. They get nothing from me, so I’m no longer fun. I had the shortest final in the Academy history. That’s not why I hate it.”
“Well, why do you hate it then?”
“Because it makes people feel inferior. Most of these kids here have felt less than their whole lives. I understand needing to train and be absolutely prepared, but there has got to be a better way to do it than robbing them of their souls. Tali, she’s so good, and so brave yet all she feels is weak and powerless. Corbin is one of the kindest guys I know. He paid attention the most in instruction and he tries harder than any other guy in your year. We should be uplifting these kids, challenging them, yes, but not tearing them down. They are creating robots and assassins, not soldiers, not good agents, Aria. You want to know why I don’t go on missions? Yes, I froze, but Edward still wanted me on the Elite Squad, and yet I just can’t stomach the things we do in the name of freedom. We may be keeping others free, but at what cost? Enslaving ourselves?”
I am dumbfounded. I want to say something; I feel like I need to but for the first time in my life, words fail me. Cameron, big oaf Cameron, has not only a heart but a soul and compassion.
There is so much love in him that it’s breaking him apart. I’m downright shocked. I’m guessing this shows all over my face because he laughs and closes my mouth for me, which was hanging wide open.
“Now enough of this depressing topic. We have a final to prepare you for. I’ve worked a little with you through the years on building a tough exterior and working under emotional distress, but not nearly enough. We need to properly go over the areas they will most likely hit on, ok? It’s going to be hard, but if I can prep you even a little, at least you won’t be blindsided.”
“Awe, Cameron, you mean all this time you really loved me but were just pretending to be a cold-hearted jerk to help prepare me? I’m so touched,” I say, wiping away a fake tear. He scowls, but lets a smile slip.
“I’m serious, Aria, I have no clue when you will be taken, but I have a feeling it’s going to be soon so I need to do this. You need to be ready. You can shut down, but you can’t run away. You have to sit here. The more you show weakness, the harder they will hit on that subject. If you can, you need to separate yourself from it. Any sign they see that they’ve hurt you, they will use and attack. That means flinching, eye movement, anger. You’ve been trained just as they have and you need to remember that training. Give them nothing. Do you understand?”
I nod. This is the part I’m the most worried about. Physical pain has become my friend. Powering through, stamina, shutting down--all these things I can handle, but I’m not so sure about the emotional attack.
“Ok,” I say, turning toward him, sitting up straight, and looking directly into his eyes. “Shoot.”
“You probably shouldn’t say that to a spy,” he says with a smirk.
“Are you seriously cracking a joke, Cameron…? I don’t know your last name.” He laughs.
“It’s Jensen.”
“Ok. Proceed when ready, Cameron Jensen.”
“Tell me about your relationship with Estevan.”
“Next question.”
Bam! He slaps me directly across the face. I’m in such shock I can’t even blink. He seriously slapped me. Seeing the hurt on my face, Cameron curses.
“Aria, I’m not your friend and I’m not your handler right now; I’m your interrogator. You give an answer like that, you aren’t just going to get slapped, you are going to get punched so hard in the face you will lose a tooth, and then they will make you wish they were only punching. You just showed me weakness after I hit you; that’s what they are looking for. You also showed me where your hot spot is.”
He is right; I hate when he is right. I also knew deep down they were going to dig and poke at my relationship with Estevan. Everyone knows he is my weakness. Even though I haven’t seen him in three years, it feels as though it was yesterday he was torn from me. I take a deep breath.
“Ok, what should my response have been?” I ask, opening and shutting my jaw. I’ve got to toughen up if a smack is going to hurt me. I was totally caught off guard, bu
t I vow it will be the last time.
“You look me straight in the eye, you do not blink, you do not flinch, and you talk. When a subject is sensitive to a person, they clam up. You need to talk freely like you are grateful to have this time to remember a friend. You talk as if they asked you about Hope or Trevor. You give a story, you describe what he looks like; you say anything but ‘next question’ or clam up. And if you choose to go the clam up route, which you can--it’s what I did--then you better be prepared to take a beating and then another and another until you wake up in the hospital and realize you passed your final but don’t remember anything but pain.”
I swallow hard at his response.
“I don’t think I will choose that route.” He smiles.
“No, I didn’t think you would. You enjoy the game too much, the cat and mouse. You are going to toy with them, lead them on, and tear them up. I’m actually looking forward to watching them underestimate you.”
I don’t know why, but this gives me all the confidence and courage I have been lacking. The fact that Cameron believes in me, sees strength in me, is just what I’ve needed.
“So, tell me about Estevan.”
“Rodriguez?” I ask, like I’m not sure if that is who he means and a genuine smile breaks out across his face.
“Perfect answer.”
We go back and forth for hours. It is raw and emotional, but it was just what I needed to give me the advantage. This way when they ask the emotionally hard questions, the Band-Aid will have already been ripped off.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Cameron
My phone rings, waking me out of a light sleep. I knew it was coming so I’m not at all surprised when I see it’s Edward.
“Hello, sir.”
“Cameron, it’s time. I assume you will want to be there?”
“Yes, sir, I do.”
“Ok, fifteen minutes in the observation room. And Cameron, I don’t need to tell you to keep quiet on this.”
“Of course, sir, I know the rules.”
