“No!” Charlie and Rosie exclaimed in unison.
Ninazu roared, clearly scaring the shit out of Rosie, who was close enough to feel his hot breath on her face because her hair blew sideways as the lion bellowed.
“We beg you to set them both free, great Inanna,” Charlie said. “Neither Samantha nor Lugal deserve to be trapped in that bottle for eternity. As it is, Lugal was wrongly imprisoned in the first place. You see, he was only trying to—”
“Silence!” Inanna raised her hand in warning and a series of lightning bolts shot straight up from her fingers. “Enough blather from all of you!”
She sat at the head of the table, with the vast array of food Rosie had set out at her fingertips. With a nod, a bottle of rare red wine uncorked itself and poured into her glass, while a chosen assortment of olives, cheeses, fruits, crusty bread, honey and virgin olive oil were magically portioned on a plate.
“As stated in your plea, your sentence was set in place to obliterate your transgressions to womankind by serving them for all eternity. Now tell me, Lugal Damu-zid, why you believe you were wrongly condemned. And for heaven’s sake, don’t drag it out. I’ve got a full schedule ahead of me today.”
Lugal sat to the right of Inanna, with Rosie and Charlie taking seats farther down toward the foot of the table, away from Inanna and her menacing pet.
Lugal told Inanna the whole story, trying not to sully the priestess Sabit’s name as he explained. Charlie jumped in here and there, fortifying the details, clearly making sure Inanna fully realized that it was Sabit who had unwittingly brought this terrible sentence down on Lugal’s head.
After a good twenty minutes they’d finished and Inanna sat back in her chair, tapping her lacquered red fingernails against the marble tabletop. To Lugal, it seemed she sat there like that for an eternity. He yearned for her to hurry, but wisely kept his mouth shut as Inanna ruminated.
“If what you say is true,” Inanna finally said, “then you are the victim of an atrocious injustice, Lugal Damu-zid. Why did it take you so long to come forth and bring this travesty to my attention?”
At a loss for words, Lugal’s mouth hung open.
“He’s been trying to contact you for five thousand years,” Rosie said. “You never answered him.”
“The incantations must have been faulty,” Inanna speculated. She held out her hands, palms up and nodded. A state-of-the-art laptop computer appeared in her grasp. She set it on the table, busily clacking away at the keyboard.
“You work with computers?” Charlie asked, amazed.
“Only when my abacus is on the fritz,” Inanna said sarcastically. “Now be silent while I search the archives for the hall of ancient records. I’m also going to send Enlil an instant message so he can check to see what’s been inscribed on the tablets of destiny regarding your fate.”
A short while later, Inanna tsked. “Look at this…page after page of lamentations, all on your behalf, Lugal. It seems the young priestess pleaded with one god after another to…well, here, let me read it verbatim.
“‘To free the brave, honorable warrior who took the blame for my foolish actions to save me from being beheaded. Through my fear, my sweet mouth became venomous and I condemned a worthy and honorable soul to a cold, dark fate.’.”
Inanna looked up at Lugal. “The woman pleaded, lamented, wailed and tearfully confessed her sins and failings for the rest of her life, trying to undo the harm she’d done to you.”
“What happened to Sabit?” Lugal asked. “Did she remain a priestess?”
“After five years in service to her symbolic betrothed, Nanna, the Moon God of Ur,” Inanna read, “Sabit left the ziggurat and became a prostitute. Later she married and had children. When her children had grown, she returned to the temple and, once again, pledged her service to Nanna. She was past sixty when she died.”
“Why didn’t anyone listen to her?” Rosie asked.
“Beats me,” Inanna said with a shrug. “Maybe they thought she was love struck or loony. If she tried to reach me, I never knew about it. Okay, hold it a minute—incoming from Enlil, and another from Ereshkigal, goddess of the underworld…”
Lugal, Charlie and Rosie sat forward in their chairs, waiting for word from the important gods.
“Ereshkigal reports that Sabit’s soul is now at rest.” She looked up at Lugal. “Guess that means you’ve been found innocent.”
Lugal felt a heavy burden evaporate from his soul.
“In all this time Sabit never stopped pleading for your freedom, Lugal. As for Enlil…” Inanna clicked the mouse. “Ah, okay, that seals it.” She slapped her laptop shut. “You’ve been completely cleared of any wrongdoing by your daddy, Lugal. Enlil said the tablets indicate you’re destined to live a long and fruitful life, full of love and happiness, etcetera, etcetera. As of this moment that decree has gone into effect. Your curse is broken.”
“I am full of gratitude,” Lugal said, “but, Inanna, what about—”
“Well, I guess that’s it. All’s well that ends well.” Inanna stood up and smiled. “I regret that it took a while to resolve this, Lugal, but—”
“A while?” Rosie said incredulously. “You call being trapped in a bottle for five thousand years and undergoing humiliation and torture and God knows what else a while?”
Inanna aimed an outstretched finger at Rosie. “I caution you, mouthy mortal. Do not overstep your bounds,” Inanna threatened. “I am not renowned for my patience and I have no qualms in lopping off the heads of those who annoy me.”
Charlie wrapped his arm around Rosie’s shoulder. “She didn’t mean anything, Inanna. She just cares a great deal about Lugal. We all do.”
“Very well. I’ll be off then.” Inanna raised her arm in the air, looking as though she was about to snap her fingers.
“Wait!” the other three chorused.
“What about Samantha?” Lugal hurried. “She is trapped in the bottle as we speak. Please, great Inanna, I beg of you, free her. Return her to me for I cannot be happy without her in my life. I will be but a shadow among the living without my Samantha.”
Inanna let out a thunderous sigh and sat down again. “Okay, bring me the bottle.” She stretched out her hand, wiggling her fingers. “I’ll take care of it.”
“Thank God!” Rosie said, jumping up and down.
“Thank goddess, you mean,” Inanna corrected. “You’ll have plenty of time for merriment later. Get the bottle so we can get this over with and I can get out of here. It’s nearly time for Ninazu’s nap.” The lion yawned, punctuating Inanna’s observation.
Rosie, Charlie and Lugal exchanged dumbfounded glances.
“Bunny!” they cried.
“I forgot all about it until just this minute,” Rosie said.
“Do you think Bunny’s opened the bottle yet?” Charlie asked.
“I sincerely hope not,” Lugal said. “She is not a good-hearted woman. Her wishes would not be beneficial ones, except to herself. In addition, she could be mistreating Samantha.” He scowled, the thought of her suffering at Bunny’s hands harsh and bitter.
Inanna’s frustrated sigh was monumental. “Would someone mind cluing me in, hmm?”
“We don’t have the bottle. Sam’s old boss, Bunny Turner, found out Lugal was a genie and she stole it,” Rosie explained.
“Bunny is wicked,” Lugal added. “And envious. I fear for Samantha’s wellbeing.”
“Samantha’s old boss?” Inanna asked. “What kind of work?”
“Bunny owns Tuned by Turner,” Charlie offered. “A weight-loss clinic.”
Inanna’s smile looked just a tad malevolent. “I see. All right, be quiet while I take care of this.”
Inanna stood again, arms upstretched in the same manner as Lugal’s earlier when he summoned her. Her powerful voice reverberating, Inanna uttered what Lugal recognized as a ruling in ancient Sumerian.
The air chilled. Thunder clapped. Lightning sparked.
And Ninazu roared.
“I’m ready to make my wishes, genie,” Bunny yelled from the bedroom. “Get your big fat ass off the bathroom floor and get over here to do my bidding.”
Samantha rolled her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to take that bucket of ammonia water and soak Bunny’s head in it. But, as she’d sadly discovered, genies were at the express mercy of their possessors and unable to fight back against cruelty or injustice.
“Yes, Most Beautiful and Powerful Master,” Samantha said, getting to her feet and wincing as her spine cracked while she straightened her back.
She thought of poor Lugal and all the time he’d spent at the beck and call of his owners, some good women and some miserable, rotten, selfish bitches like Bunny…or worse. It was a miracle the man had maintained his sanity after thousands of years at the whim of such women.
But he was free now. Forever free of women like Bunny. Samantha knew Lugal was probably angry and grieving right now, but that would pass in time and he’d find happiness with a good woman. Rosie would set him up with someone. Rosie…God, Samantha would miss all the laughter they shared.
“Come on! Move that lazy ass of yours,” Bunny barked. As soon as Samantha stood before her, Bunny burst out laughing. “That’s a perfect look for you, Sam. Go ahead, take a good long look at yourself in the full length mirror. Get an eyeful of the great and mighty owner of Beyond the Scale.”
Samantha gazed at her reflection, breathing a deep sigh as she spotted running eye makeup, haphazardly chopped hair and less than half of her sheer purple robe, raveling around her waist and hips.
“So much for your short-lived fame, chunko. Tuned by Turner and I will be back on top again before the end of the day!”
Samantha maintained her silence, unable to rip into Bunny the way she wanted. With a weighty sigh of acquiescence, Samantha imagined the dark, deadly quiet of the bottle would almost be a welcome retreat after spending this humiliating time with Bunny Turner.
“For my first wish,” Bunny began, and Samantha held her breath, wondering what heinous, selfish wish she was about to grant for the woman. “I wish to be the richest most powerful woman in the—” Bunny’s eyes widened in horror as her clothing split at the seams. “Shit!” She looked down, grabbing the tearing material at her midriff. “What’s happening to me?”
“Oh my God!” Samantha cried. “You’re getting fat!”
Growing chunkier by the second, Bunny glared at Samantha. “You! You did this to me, you despicable bitch!”
Caught up in wonder, Samantha whipped her head from side to side. “No, honest to God, Bunny, this isn’t my doing. I don’t know what’s happening.”
“Where are you going?” Bunny screamed. “Sam!” And then Bunny started to sob. The usually self-assured woman suddenly looked weak and pathetic. “Don’t leave me like this, Sam. Please.”
“Bunny, relax, I’m not going anywhere,” Samantha said, reaching her hand out to comfort Bunny, only to discover her hand was on its way to becoming transparent. In fact, so was the rest of her. “Oh shit…”
She gasped, watching her flesh grow fainter and wondering if this was the end for her…if she’d just fade away into thin air and cease to exist.
As she became a vapor, she glanced Bunny’s way once more. The woman looked at least fifty pounds heavier.
“Come back!” Bunny cried out, reaching for Samantha, clutching at thin air. “What about my three wishes? Chocolate. Oh God, I need chocolate. Chocolate!”
Bunny’s earsplitting wail for chocolate was the last thing Samantha saw or heard before everything went black.
———
Inanna’s eyes flashed like newly ignited torches.
The entire house shook. Ninazu continued to roar. Inanna’s demeanor was fearsome to behold as she called out the ancient words.
When gray storm clouds appeared just beneath the dining room ceiling, Rosie shuddered from head to toe and clung to Charlie. Charlie clung to Lugal. Lugal’s fingers dug into the back of the mahogany chair so tightly he half expected them to bore through the heavy wood. His teeth were clenched so tightly he was amazed his jaw didn’t fracture.
It was one thing to be a bold warrior in battle, equipped with his saber and facing a mortal enemy. It was quite another being at the mercy of a temperamental immortal who was, Lugal hoped, bringing his beloved back from the oppressive curse of the bottle.
As Inanna’s voice rose, a faintly lavender-hued vapor emerged from the storm clouds, floating down toward the floor. Inanna spoke the final words and Lugal, Rosie and Charlie watched as the vapor slowly took form.
“Samantha!” Lugal cried, breaking away from the others and running toward the materializing form of his beloved. The instant she became solid, he grabbed her into his arms and held tight, terrified she’d disappear again if he let go. “Oh my love, my sweet, sweet love,” he murmured, covering her face with kisses. “You’ve come back to me.”
“Lugal? But how…what happened?”
“Sam!” Rosie and Charlie shouted, running to the embracing couple and making a cumbersome but welcoming four-way hug.
“Oh, Lugal…you’re crying,” Samantha said, brushing a tear from his cheek.
“Yes. And it is without shame that I do, little one. The intensity of my love for you, and the immense gladness in my heart at seeing you again has momentarily reduced me to a sniveling babe.” Lugal rocked her in his arms.
“Um…hello? Remember me?” Inanna said. “Shouldn’t someone be groveling at my feet and giving me kudos just about now?”
Lugal released Samantha and fell to his knees before Inanna, thanking and praising her in his native tongue.
She smiled. “Yes, that’s much better.”
“You were able to conjure Inanna,” Samantha said in awe. “I don’t believe it. How?”
“Don’t worry, we’ll fill you in on everything later, Sam,” Charlie promised. “I can’t tell you how glad I am that you’re back. Lugal’s been out of his mind with grief.” He pulled Samantha into a squeeze.
“Thanks, Charlie. I’m damn glad I’m back too.” Looking over his shoulder, Samantha’s eyes widened when she spotted Ninazu. Right on cue, the big cat yawned. “Oh my God. There’s a lion in my dining room!”
“It’s okay…I think,” Rosie said, squeezing her friend. “He’s Inanna’s pet, Ninazu, and he’s crazy about my tuna casserole. Oh, honey, we were afraid we’d lost you forever.” She hugged her again before standing at arm’s length, eyeing her best friend. “Whoa…you really look like shit. What in the hell happened?”
Samantha’s eyebrow arched. “Bunny Turner happened to me. That woman’s one crazy, power-hungry bitch.” She walked to Inanna. “Thank you so much for saving me. I never thought I’d see Lugal or my friends again.”
“What you did was the height of foolishness, young lady,” Inanna chided. “It was sheer idiocy to sacrifice yourself for your lover like that. You could have been trapped for all eternity in that bottle, looking like a drowned rat.”
“Inanna is right,” Lugal bellowed, shaking a chastising finger at Samantha. He remembered the sick feeling of dread that enveloped him when she’d disappeared from his grasp after making her final wish. “You had me turned inside out with guilt, rage and anguish. Had I but known what you were thinking, Samantha, I would have—”
“On the other hand,” Inanna sniffed and dabbed her eyes with a tissue that suddenly appeared in her hand, “it was also incredibly romantic. Naturally, as the goddess of love, I’ve always been a sucker for a good romance story.”
“I’m sorry for causing you all such heartache,” Samantha said. “But I really didn’t have any other choice. I love you far too much to send you back to that horrid bottle, Lugal.”
Lugal kissed her fingers. “You are foolish, yes, but you are also the most loving, devoted, adoring, generous woman I have ever had the good fortune to know.”
“True love,” Inanna sighed. “Perfectly matched souls.”
“You are both free, yes.” Inanna gestured with her hand and the spun glass bottle and box appeared on the table before them. “From this moment forward, this vessel is nothing more than a rare antiquity. Hang on to it for a keepsake or smash it to smithereens if you like.”
“We will have a ceremony,” Lugal stated solemnly, sneering as he eyed the objects that had been his prison for so many centuries. “We will take turns wielding deathly blows to the box and bottle until they are both reduced to naught but dust.”
“That suits me,” Samantha said. “We don’t need valuable antiquities. All we need is each other.”
Lugal gazed at his beloved, smoothing his fingers through her hair. It was only then that he noticed what a sad, sorry state of disarray she was in. “Oh, little one, Rosie is right…you look like shit.” Samantha chuckled a bit at his words. “What did Bunny Turner do to you?”
“Well, aside from the obvious,” she flipped her choppy hair and fingered her ragged robe, “she made me scrub her bathroom. With a toothbrush, the other half of my robe and a pail of ammonia. That was after she commanded me to bark like a dog and hop on one foot and call myself a fat pig and…oh, it was awful.”
She took in a deep breath. “But it’s all over now. I’m sure it was nothing compared to what you’ve been through all these years, Lugal.”
Samantha rested her head against his chest and sighed.
The feel of his woman beside him was more precious than gold to Lugal. Just being able to touch her, smell her, hear her voice, feel her heart beating against his flesh…
“During the whole time Bunny berated me,” she said, “I kept thinking about you, Lugal and it gave me strength. I’m awfully glad it’s all over now.”
“I will make Bunny pay for causing you such grief,” Lugal threatened. “You have my word.”
Samantha looked to Inanna and the women shared a knowing smile. “Oh, I think Inanna’s already taken care of that, Lugal.”
“Indeed,” the goddess said, puffing out her cheeks like a blowfish and patting her almost nonexistent belly. “And Bunny will stay that way until she learns her lesson and redeems herself.”
Samantha and Her Genie Page 37
