First Class Farewell

by Aj Harmon

  The water lapped at their feet, occasionally covering them up to their ankles. The water was warm and soothing as the sand gradually collapsed under their toes. It was almost a full moon and even though it was now close to midnight, the beach was light and magical.

  “That was a wonderful way to pay tribute to Ray. I’m sure he approves,” smiled Shelby.

  “Approves?”

  “Yes. I’m sure he does.”

  “You think he’s aware of our party?” Adam was skeptical.

  “Of course I do. He’s somewhere with his brother and his mom having a party right along with us.”

  “So you believe in heaven?”

  “I believe in something,” she replied. “I don’t want to think that when we die that’s it. That would be a terrible way to live.”

  Adam didn’t respond. He just kept walking, gazing off into the horizon.

  “Don’t you believe in God?” she asked, breaking the silence.

  Shrugging his shoulders, Adam considered her question. “I don’t know,” he answered truthfully.

  “What about when your dad died?”

  “It was a nightmare…those months before he died. I prayed every single day that he’d get better and he didn’t.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said as she placed her hand on his arm.

  Adam smiled and placed his hand over hers, holding it to his skin. “He just gradually got worse and worse until he died. If there is a God, he ignored me.”

  “You don’t think that maybe God let him die so that he wasn’t in pain anymore? So that your family could begin healing?”

  “I guess I’ve never thought of it that way.”

  Shelby grinned. “The great and mighty Dr. Anderson doesn’t know it all?” she teased lightly.

  “Hardly,” he chuckled. “The older I get the more I realize how little I really do know. I’m learning things from my patients and their families every day.”

  “Kids are amazing, aren’t they? They teach us so much. I was playing with Amanda this evening and she was telling my why her daddy paints pictures. You know what she said?”

  Adam shook his head.

  “She told me that her daddy painted her mommy’s face so that other people could see the happiness in her eyes and that would make them happy. That’s coming from a four year old. I realize it isn’t some unheard of revelation or anything, but to have that kind of wisdom…insight is…is…”

  “Out of the mouths of babes,” Adam nodded. “They just tell the truth. No pretenses, no hidden agendas, just life as they see it. It’s refreshing.”

  “It is,” Shelby agreed.

  “Do you want kids?”

  The change in Shelby was physical. She pulled her hand from Adam’s and folded her arms across her chest. Her pace quickened and her lips pursed. Without thinking, Adam grabbed her arm and swung her around to face him, stepping within inches of her face.

  “It’s just a question.”

  “It’s a loaded question.”

  “Tell me.”

  Her eyes dropped and Adam lifted her chin with his hand and held her gaze.

  “I’d love children,” she whispered. “But I can’t see myself having any.”

  “Why?”

  She stepped out of his hold and Adam let her go. They began walking back the way they’d come.

  “I’m not sure I’d be a good mother and I don’t want to fail. If you kill a plant, well…it’s not the same as ruining another human being.”

  “You’d make an excellent mother.”

  “How do you know that? It’s not like I had a good example or anything.” There was bitterness in her voice. She rarely spoke of her mother, the pain still there, lurking, always present.

  “There are lots of people who have complete asses for parents and who become the most loving and kind parents themselves. Look at Lindsey. Nic. Rory. Our own family has multiple examples of defying and defeating the circle of abuse and abandonment. You are kind and smart and have love to give. Don’t sell yourself short. And don’t deprive a child of your heart. Don’t deprive yourself.”

  Slowly, they made their way back to the house. The patio was now empty. Derek and Tyler must have gone to bed.

  “Do you want a drink?” Adam asked, as they walked to the French doors.

  Shelby shook her head. “No. I’ll see you tomorrow,” and she headed inside, closing the door behind her.

  Adam watched her silhouette walk through the great room and disappear. She will make a wonderful mother…and the perfect wife.

  *****

  With each year that passed, Matt’s love for his wife grew. Their legs still entwined, the beads of sweat on their bodies glistened in the moonlight that was streaming through the open doors to their private balcony. Making love to Janie was his favorite way to spend his time and the last thirty minutes had been extremely pleasurable.

  Fingers laced together and bodies in harmonious rhythm, they’d built to a peak so high, they’d fought to catch their breath as they plunged, crashing and exploding in orgasm that left them limp and satiated and Janie quickly falling into a deep and restful sleep.

  Matt lay awake, his fingers mindlessly tracing patterns on the warm silky thigh that lay across him. His wife’s breathing was hypnotic and relaxing as his eyes focused on nothing but saw everything. His entire family was here, under his roof. The experiences of the past few weeks had driven home the fragility of his peace and the shortness of life. One day, in the not too distant future, he would lose his parents. Death would claim them and leave him to step into their shoes. He was able to shoulder the responsibility. He just didn’t want to. He didn’t want to think about it but the thought lay siege upon him every so often and it was difficult to rid himself of the impending loss.

  As his eyelids closed, he saw his friend…smiling…happy. He heard him laugh and his eyes flew open, only to confirm he lay in the dark, his wife next to him.

  He’d heard Ray laugh as sure as he knew his own name. And then, in his mind, he heard as much as he felt the words, “I’m okay. Be happy.”

  A faint smile crossed Matt’s lips as a tear escaped and fell quickly to the pillow. “Goodbye, my friend,” he whispered, and pulled his wife into his arms and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.

  *****

  Shelby silently opened the bathroom door and crept down the hall to the music room that was her bedroom for the visit. It was a small room, but faced the beach. Bob had set up a roll away bed for her and it was comfortable enough. There was an oversized stuffed chair that sat next to the window with a matching ottoman that called her name. Snuggling into its’ softness, hugging her knees, she looked out at the water and the moon light dancing across the ripples.

  She’d been mad at Adam for asking her about wanting children. It was a thought she’d pushed from her mind. What right did she have to bring children into this world? She feared she would be as miserable a mother as her own. It was best not to think about it. Besides, she shrugged, I’d have to have sex to have a baby. She unconsciously shuddered.

  Shelby had not had a boyfriend. She hadn’t been on a date. Well, not a real date. She’d gone out with friends, met someone for coffee, or for a drink to blow off some of the pressure of medical school. She’d sat in the park for lunch or gone to a movie with a man, but it had never been a date, just two friends doing the same thing at the same time…together. The idea of getting close to a man scared her senseless. Dr. Weaving had encouraged her to spend time with men in safe situations…public places like crowded restaurants and theaters. She’d also told her that in time, a physical relationship would not seem quite so repugnant to her, but that day had still not arrived. The idea of some man putting their hands on her made her physically ill. Over the past few years she’d let men try to kiss her and each time it’d ended in the same way. She’d pushed them away and had ended up trembling and nauseated. There were only a handful of men that could touch her…in a non-sexual way, Adam being one of them.
But’s that because she knew there was nothing other than a sisterly affection he held for her. And that was safe…nonthreatening.

  Adam had been her best friend since she’d moved to New York. He’d helped her study, brought her food during finals and let her whine and complain about the stresses of medical school, all while trying to finish his own residency and start his own career.

  No. Adam didn’t scare her. Adam was safe.

  The breeze blew through the window, making the lightweight curtains dance and twirl. Slowly, her eyelids became heavy and fluttered closed, allowing her to drift off to sleep.

  But it wasn’t a calm sleep. Her dreams were memories, stirred up from the past, of her mother and things she wished she could forget once and for all. Left alone in a dark room, she was hungry and cold and when the door opened she looked up with anticipation, only to see him. Panic rose through her entire body and she violently shook as he took a step closer and then another. Pushed into the corner of the room, there was nowhere else to go. She was trapped with no way out.

  From somewhere, the words of Dr. LaVaughn came to her child mind. “He can’t hurt you anymore.” Shelby spoke the words to him. She’d said it and he heard her. His head tilted and his brow furrowed. She stood on wobbly legs and said it again, a little bit louder. He opened his mouth to speak, but didn’t. So she said it again much louder. “You can’t hurt me anymore.”

  Her eyes flew open and she inhaled sharply. She still hugged her knees as the curtains whooshed with the gentle breeze. The moonlight still danced on the water and all was quiet in the house.

  “He can’t hurt me anymore.”

  13.

  Awakening

  For half of her life, Shelby had been seeing psychiatrists, the first being court-appointed in Oregon. Yet a dream had been one of the most powerful forms of therapy she’d had. A dream where a little girl had had the courage to say what her adult self had been unable to articulate. And it was life changing.

  Stretching in the white sheets, Shelby smiled. The sunlight poured through the window, just as the moonlight had a few hours before. The air was crisp and her mind was clear. It almost felt as though she was on the precipice of a new beginning…that a new chapter was starting and the pages were all blank just waiting for her to write her own story.

  What a wonderful way to start the day, she thought as she stood and stretched again. The possibilities were endless.

  As she quickly dressed and made her way downstairs, activity had already begun. Cynthia was cracking dozens of eggs into a huge bowl and little feet were running everywhere. Walking to the huge island in the kitchen, she pulled out a stool and slid next to Sophia who was sipping on some orange juice. Pleasantries were exchanged and Janie offered her a cup of coffee, which she accepted graciously. Taking a sip, she noticed Adam shuffle through the glass door and fall into an arm chair just beyond the kitchen in the great room.

  “Morning, sweetheart,” Janie called. “Coffee?”

  Adam grumbled his reply sending Janie to the task of filling another cup and then refilling the coffee maker, ready for the rest of the family who hadn’t yet descended.

  “You didn’t sleep well,” she frowned as she handed the cup to her son. “Go back to bed.”

  Adam thanked her for the drink as she hurried back to help Cynthia with the task of making breakfast. He sipped from his cup slowly.

  He hadn’t slept well. Tossing and turning most of the night, he finally got up before dawn and went for a run. Since his days of playing baseball in college, he’d used physical exercise as a way of keeping his mind clear and focused. This time, however, it hadn’t worked.

  The thought of Shelby becoming his wife had shaken him. He’d never thought of her as a potential partner. She’d been a friend…a good friend but she had rebuffed his single attempt at moving past that and he’d respected her wishes and backed off, even though he thoroughly enjoyed her company and used every possible excuse and reason to see her as often as he could.

  But wife? No. That thought hadn’t entered the realm of possibility. He didn’t even know that was what he’d wanted…until last night when it had bulldozed him.

  Shelby was the perfect package. Her blonde hair and blue eyes made her look like the girl next door, but her full lips and perfectly rounded breasts made her a candidate for Playboy magazine. She was voluptuous, no doubt about it. And now that the thought of her as his wife, an intimate partner, was in his head, and he couldn’t shake himself free of its grip.

  He watched her over the rim of his cup. She was bright and happy as she chatted with Sophia and Janie in the kitchen. The image that came to his mind made him choke on his coffee as he tried to stifle a laugh. When he and Tyler were young, they would watch Baywatch with their dad. Barely clad women would run along the beach, everything bouncing in perfect synchronization. As Shelby flicked her long blonde hair over her shoulder, in seemingly slow motion, that Baywatch image popped into his head and had him wiping the spilled coffee from his chin and his shirt.

  Shelby swung around to see him muttering as he wiped the small puddle from the sofa.

  “Just as well it’s leather,” he mumbled to himself.

  “You okay?” Shelby asked as she came to stand right in front of him.

  Adam looked at her long longs, up over her denim shorts and button up shirt that hung open, exposing her breasts clad in a hot pink bikini top. Her long blonde hair fell over her shoulders and her blue eyes danced with merriment.

  “Fine.”

  “Need a towel?”

  “No.”

  “You get up on the wrong side of the bed?”

  Adam frowned. It wasn’t her fault he’d fallen hopelessly in love with her without realizing it. “Sorry.” He attempted to smile. “I didn’t sleep very well.”

  Shelby smiled and reached for his cup. “I’ll top that off for you,” she said and headed for the kitchen.

  I’m so screwed!

  *****

  White puffy clouds hung in the sky and warm turquoise water lapped the sand. It was another perfect day. Matt and Bob were setting up a volleyball net on the beach, with lots of help.

  “I wanna do it!” demanded Annie as she pried the stake from Matt’s hands.

  “NO!” Amanda wailed. “Me!”

  Matt was no longer amused with his nieces. They had turned a ten minute operation into twenty-five and they still weren’t done. “Paul? David? You wanna come get your daughters so I can finish here?”

  Paul jumped up from the fort he was building with Gregory and ran in Annie’s direction. David, on the other hand, was fighting a battle with Rachel who kept trying to toddle into the water.

  “I’ll get her,” Adam smiled, as he leapt from his chair and ran to rescue Matt.

  Without additional help, Matt and Bob finished the set-up quickly and Matt headed back to the house to find the volleyball. Adam sat with Amanda on his lap and sang nursery rhymes.

  “The incey wincey spider climbed up the water spout,” they sang, Adam even doing all the actions. “Down came the rain and washed the spider out.”

  Amanda giggled at his exaggerated hand movements and Adam laughed and tickled her until she fell off his lap onto the soft sand.

  “My turn!” yelled Charlie, who’d been playing in the sand with Gregory. He jumped onto Adam and clapped his hands. “Bob the builder CAN WE FIX IT?” he shouted.

  “Bob the builder YES WE CAN!” Adam continued.

  Joseph hurried over to the chair and stood next to Adam as he sang. Annie ran over and stood next to him and then joined in.

  “Bob and the gang have so much fun, working together they get the job done,” Adam sang out with gusto. “Okay, all together now,” he yelled, with squeals coming from the kids.

  “Bob the builder CAN WE FIX IT? Bob the builder YES WE CAN!” They all sang out.

  “Yay!” Adam clapped. “You guys are great singers.” And one by one they left to go back to what they’d been doing, playing in t
he sand.

  “I didn’t know you were such a great singer,” Shelby chuckled as she climbed into the chaise next to him. “How do you know all the lyrics?”

  “I’m a pediatrician,” he laughed. “I have to know my stuff. It’s part of the job requirement.”

  “So do you watch Nickelodeon on the weekends,” she grinned.

  “Yes,” he nodded. “It’s how I relax and unwind.”

  Shelby laughed.

  “Actually, we have a TV in the waiting room and Bob the Builder is a favorite among the crowd I hang with,” he smiled. “I have been known to dream about Bob and Scoop, you know.”

  “Oooh, how very erotic,” she winked.

  “Ha ha,” he smirked.

  “I think it’s great, actually,” she smiled. “You must be a very good doctor.”

  “I’d like to think so. Ella and Christopher haven’t complained too much about me.”

  “Are you talking about me?” Christopher yelled from a few yards away.

  “Yes,” Adam yelled back. “About how you cried like a baby when you had your shots.”

  “I did not cry at all!” Christopher rebuked. “Not one tear.”

  “Just kidding ya, bud,” Adam chuckled. “You were very stoic.”

  “I was,” he nodded with a serious expression. “What’s stoic?”

  Adam and Shelby laughed and Christopher turned his attention back to the action figures he was burying up to their necks.

  Shelby leaned back on the chair and closed her eyes, a smile on her lips. Adam watched her from the corner of his eye. He watched her breasts move up and then down with each breath she took. As she relaxed, her lips parted slightly and Adam couldn’t tear his gaze away. For several minutes he focused on her…on her lips…her breasts…her hands placed innocently over her stomach. The thoughts that ran through his head were as far from Bob the Builder as a man could get.

  Yep! I’m royally screwed, he thought.

  *****

  Shelby had opened her eyes with a start. Not knowing where she was, she sat up and looked around. On the beach…I remember. Adam was no longer beside her. He was running on the sand trying to hit the volleyball. Diving with one arm extended, he missed. Cheers erupted on the other side of the net.