Just Call Me Spaghetti-Hoop Boy

by Lara Williamson

  We don’t speak again, not even when we reach the tower block. The lift is broken and we walk up the concrete steps. We pass Mrs Karimloo’s place and wander down the corridor and then up another flight until we reach our flat. Minnie turns the key in the door and repeats, “I’m sorry, Adam.”

  Minnie never apologizes for anything. “For what?” I ask, my voice tight as an over-blown balloon.

  “For not being a good sister to you. For not noticing you were fed up. For trying to mess things up for you because I’m selfish. For never wanting you to leave us.”

  I want to say You are a good sister and I forgive you, but I’m too choked up to speak.

  “Okay, kiddoes. I’m glad you’re both home. We’ve got to get everything sorted out if we’re going to make this play in time. So, Adam, get cleaned up. Minnie, do whatever it is you do when you spend an hour in the bathroom. Break a leg or whatever it is. Oh, and before I forget we’ve got a little surprise for everyone after the play.” As Minnie opens her mouth to ask what it is, Mum laughs and puts a finger to her lips as if she’s not telling. As Minnie goes into her bedroom and slams the door, Mum adds, “And, Velvet, can you please stop lying on the floor playing with Sausage Roll, I’ve just put you in a clean top.” Velvet looks up from the kitchen floor and then says she has to play with the dog or he’ll get sad.

  “I’ll get sad if I have to go and iron another top,” exclaims Mum. She’s clucking about like a hen looking after its chicks. “I’ve texted Dad and he’s on his way and will be back in about five minutes.”

  The words wrap around me and I feel my chest tighten. After Minnie’s triumphant play and after all her applause, Mum and Dad are going to sit us down and tell us about the jelly bean. Then they’ll say they’re making sacrifices. After that I’ll be told I’ve got to go and that they’re rehoming me. If I hadn’t found my real mother, this would have been a disaster. But I’m okay now because I can live with Rose and I don’t need to be rehomed with a stranger. I think for a second: Rose is a stranger. But then I shake the thought away.

  The front door opens and I hear Dad shuffle into the hall and shout, “I’m home.” Velvet runs to meet him and I hear her telling him she loves him and then she’s stampeding back down the hall. The bedroom door opens and Minnie is shouting that Velvet can come in but not to disturb her. Dad saunters into the living room and as I follow him he looks at me and says, “Arggghhh! I still can’t get used to you without the hat.”

  I shrug and pull at the threads on the cuff of my school jumper. “I’ll get it back,” I mumble.

  “So, are you ready to go and see a crazy, loud woman who wants her own way? And while you’re there, do you want to see Lady Macbeth too?” Dad laughs.

  “Adam.” Mum peeps into the living room. “You’re not getting ready. Hurry, we haven’t got for ever.” I tell Mum I want to stay in my school uniform. “Why? You don’t need to wear a uniform to Minnie’s play.”

  I can’t tell Mum about my exhibition and I don’t think Mrs Chatterjee would be happy if I turned up in my jeans and a hoodie. “I thought it would look smart,” I lie.

  Mum’s eyes glitter and she comes into the living room and ruffles my hair and says I’m very thoughtful. She doesn’t suspect a thing. She doesn’t know I’m going to make an excuse and leave them when I get to Blessed Trinity. I thought I could pretend to have tummy pains and then I could go to the toilet. They’ll be so caught up in the play they won’t notice how long I’m gone. I can text them every so often pretending I’m in the toilet, but really I’ll run to Rose’s and take her to my exhibition instead. The play is bound to go on for hours.

  “You’re the best son in the world,” says Dad. “What would we do without you?”

  “You’d have a new arrival – that little surprise for us.” I can’t believe I’ve just said it out loud. It’s like my tongue doesn’t even belong to me.

  Mum and Dad look at me and then at each other like they’re playing a ping-pong game. What they don’t do is deny it’s true. “How did you know?” Mum’s voice has dropped to a whisper. “Don’t let Velvet and Minnie in on the secret yet because we’re going to tell everyone after the play. It’s going to be amazing, isn’t it? Are you happy? We are.” Mum takes Dad’s hand. “We’ve waited for this for ages.”

  “It’s a boy.” I think of the list of boys’ names that I found in the book. “You’re going to call him Jack.”

  “Yes, it’s a boy.” Mum grins. “We’ve got to find him a little space in the flat. But we haven’t decided on a name – we thought we’d let you all name him instead. Oh, what a wonderful addition he’ll be to this family.”

  There’s a cold hard ball of ice inside me and my brain begins spinning like a top. I don’t want to name the jelly bean because he’s taking my little space. Plus, it looks like Mum and Dad are beyond thrilled because they’re sharing jokes and smiling. For the first time ever, I feel totally left out of this family – like I don’t belong here.

  They’ve already moved on. This proves it. Mum and Dad are thinking of their son. Not me. I knew I’d have to go but now the time is here I want to puke. Dad is smiling at me as though someone has jammed a melon slice in his mouth. Then he says it’s going to be exciting having another little scamp in the flat. In that second my ears turn to fuzzy felt but I see they’re happy and that means they must be happy that I’m going and Jack the jelly bean is coming. It hurts that I tried for so long to be a superhero and make Mum smile and now it’s the jelly bean that’s making her truly happy.

  “I don’t care about him,” I yell, and Mum’s jaw hits the floor. “What about me?” My voice is so high-pitched all the dogs in the neighbourhood have probably pricked up their ears.

  “What about you?” Dad’s face is blank. He rubs his hand over his head. “What are you talking about?” He isn’t even pretending he’s bothered, he’s just staring at me as if I’ve gone wackadoodle and he hasn’t got time for this.

  “Oh, Adam, it’s a lovely thing for us all. Things have been hard recently and this is a new beginning.” Mum’s reaching out to me. Her hand is warm but I shrug it off. “We thought it was a nice surprise.” She looks wounded, like I’ve trampled on her toes in stilts.

  Minnie appears at the living room door. She looks around at everyone, then says, “Awkward.”

  “Don’t be so silly,” says Dad. “Nothing is awkward. Now, are you ready for the play? We can’t wait to see you being a star.” Dad’s bustling about again and it’s obvious the conversation is almost over, but I can’t let it go. I’m like a dog with a giant dinosaur’s bone between my teeth. “Go and get ready, Adam,” warns Dad.

  I feel swallowed up. “All this is because of a ‘jelly bean’!” I spit the words out. “You were going to let me go over that jelly bean – well I’ve got better things to do anyway. I don’t care about the jelly bean, because I’ve got my own life to live.” I want my bobble hat more than ever because I’ve got nowhere to hide and Mum and Dad are staring at me and Minnie is laughing and saying, “Jelly bean, what jelly bean?”

  The laughing bangs inside my head like a drum and when Dad mouths, “Jelly bean?” and holds his hands up in confusion, I can’t control myself any more. I rush forward and pummel him in the stomach with my fists. His mouth makes a big O. And I hear myself shouting, “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL PARENTS! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!” The words burn like balls of fire inside my mouth and I can’t believe I’ve said them out loud and I see the pain in Mum’s eyes and I know I might as well have punched her too, only with words.

  If I don’t belong to this family then I don’t want Granddad Fred’s watch any more – they can have it back. I grab at it on my wrist and pull. The strap snaps and I throw the watch on the floor. It lies at my feet. Without waiting for anyone to speak, I run to the front door, open it and slam it hard behind me, before dashing down the stairs, my breath bursting through my mouth.

  I punched Dad like he was a supervillain. I punched him hard a
nd I hurt Mum with words and I threw away the watch that was supposed to remind me of the family and then I ran away. Superheroes shouldn’t really run away, but then again, dads aren’t supposed to be supervillains.

  I’ll move into Rose’s house immediately, I tell myself, straight after tonight’s exhibition. I’ll explain that I can’t stay at the flat any more. I’ll get my bobble hat back too. My feet clatter down the last flight of steps and I’m out into the evening. It’ll be okay, I tell myself. The whole way across the grass I soothe myself, and by the time I’ve reached Agamemnon Road I’m convinced that Rose will hear my story (I won’t tell her I punched Dad) and she’ll love me. Mothers always love their kids, deep down. She’ll get to know me and she won’t be able to help herself because I’m so loveable. And I’ll be so nice to Bonbon and if Bonbon loves me I’ll have to stay.

  “It’s going to be awesome,” I mutter, trying to forget what just happened at home.

  When I see the blue house I feel a swirl of happiness and I stand in front of it, just inhaling. My stomach bubbles as I crunch over the gravel and I pull my hand from my pocket and press the gold doorbell. I can hear it tinkle inside. I’m already prepared with a big smile. After a few seconds the smile drops and I press the doorbell again, and then the smile is plastered over my face again, waiting for Rose to throw the door open. I press the doorbell again and again and then I hold my finger on it for ages.

  My phone bleeps.

  Adam, I have no idea what the problem is with jelly beans. But come back and we can chat about it. We all like jelly beans, if that helps. I won’t ring in case you’re still annoyed, but text me. Love Mum x

  PS We’re heading off to the play now but we can meet you at Blessed Trinity.

  I don’t answer, because all Mum’s saying is she likes the jelly bean – she doesn’t understand and I’m not going to try to make her. My fist bangs on the front door and there’s a horrible ripple of worry washing over me but I try to ignore it.

  At the house next door there’s the spit of gravel as a car pulls up and a woman gets out. “You okay there?” She looks at me with my fist still on the door. My knuckles are red but I nod and then bang again, and I pretend to ignore the woman as she pulls some plastic bags from the front seat of her car. Slamming the car door, she looks over at me again and says they’re not there.

  “They’re out?” My fist drops. I feel it throb. “When will Rose be back?”

  “Probably in six months,” says the woman. She smiles and sets her bags on her front step. The woman must be joking, so I snort and start laughing, and then ask her when Rose will really be back. “Okay, it could be seven months or even a year,” she tells me. “They tend to rent this property out.” I realize she’s serious. The laugh dies on my lips and I feel my legs go weak and wobbly as a newborn giraffe’s. “He’s got a job in Switzerland and they live there mainly. They do pop back occasionally to sort out this house.”

  Pop back? They really live in Switzerland for up to a year? That’s what Sharkey said too, so I know she’s telling me the truth. My tongue feels thick and it’s hard to swallow properly. “Are you joking about them having left? I’ve only just spoken to Rose and given her my bobble hat.” I know the woman isn’t kidding but I have to ask. She shakes her head and says she’s not. The world goes blurry around me and I have to steady myself against the wall.

  “What’s your name?” The woman is squinting at me now, suspicious of what I’m doing hammering on the door of someone who hardly lives here.

  “Um,” I say, my mouth draining of saliva.

  “You must have a name. Perhaps I could try and let them know you called.”

  I swallow. “Yes, I have a name.” I pause, thinking about how Rose said I was named after a shop that sold spaghetti hoops. Ace wasn’t such a brilliant name after all and instead of being proud of it I don’t want to be Ace any more. My heart heavy, I say, “Just call me Spaghetti-Hoop Boy.”

  The woman cocks her head to the side as if she’s heard the words but she can’t understand, and then I turn and stagger across the gravel. When I reach the pavement I take off running away from the blue house as fast as my feet will carry me. The wind whooshes in my hair and I feel the prickle of it in my eyes as I run down Maltman’s Hill towards the centre of Pegasus Park.

  When she was on the phone I remember my real mother telling her husband that I’m no one – and maybe she’s right. Perhaps I’m even less than Spaghetti-Hoop Boy. Maybe I’m no one.

  No one

  No one

  No one

  No one

  No one

  No one

  You’re no one, because the jelly bean is going to take your place at home and your real mother has abandoned you for the second time, I tell myself. Rose would say she hadn’t “abandoned” me again but she has. The tears come and I can hardly see, so I let my feet carry me wherever they want to go. One tiny conversation with a woman I don’t know and my family tree has been chopped down and destroyed. There’s no Forest For Ever. There’s not even a tree left.

  I feel as if I don’t know where I’m going or how I’m going to get there. Even if I reach a safe place, I don’t know that I’ll survive what’s happened. I’m as wobbly as a jelly on a trampoline. “You left without saying goodbye, Rose! How can you do that to me again? I was going to show you the tree and move in and be friends with Bonbon. I was going to make you love me. And you have my hat!” I shout into the wind.

  A wave of sadness almost swallows me. Five minutes ago I thought I had a future with my real mother. I thought I could live in the blue house. I thought I’d have a new home. I’d be safe. But I’m not. I hoped that I could forget about the past and my real mother would hug me and tell me she was sorry she left me by the swimming pool and that her home was my home. And I’d say it was okay because I’d already forgotten about the past and we were speeding towards our future. But there is no hope now because it’s all exploded and I don’t know if I’m Ace or Adam or Spaghetti-Hoop Boy or no one.

  No one, I say to myself again. You’re definitely no one.

  I run down the road towards nothing, no future, no Rose, no idea where I’m going. Inside I’m screaming but no one can hear. Weaving through tooting traffic, I run down Kink Road where Tiny Eric lives, and I hope I can find Tiny Eric and I’ll tell him not to leave and he’ll help me and I’ll help him. But outside his house the FOR SALE sign has changed to SOLD and the curtains are pulled and I know he’s not there either. Tiny Eric has already gone.

  The sun dips between the clouds and the air cools and I feel myself shiver. How could my real mother do this to me again? The question spins around like a conker dangling on a string inside my head. I wanted her to want me so much that I’d forget about having to leave my family. Deep down I believed that Rose could replace my mum when my mum had a new baby to replace me. For some reason I thought a little part of me that was always missing wouldn’t be any more. I was wrong. There was just one problem – she never wanted me in the first place. My real mother was never a mother.

  I stagger towards the flats, my heart broken like a Christmas bauble stomped underfoot. Beyond me I can see Pegasus Park Towers and that’s when my phone bleeps again. It’s Mum saying that I’m not at Blessed Trinity and she’s getting worried now.

  If you don’t want to come here, Adam, please go home and wait for me there. X

  My old home is at the top of the tower block but as I ascend the stairs I realize I can’t go there. It’s not my home any more. This is worse than my worries about being rehomed with strangers. I can’t go to the flat and my real mother’s home isn’t my home and it’s never going to be.

  Through a river of tears, I notice the flat that used to belong to Mrs Karimloo and I remember what Dad said. Glancing around to make sure no one can see me, I bend down and lift the flowerpot. There’s a flash of silver. The old front door key is there, just as Dad said. She must have forgotten to take it with her. I pick it up and turn it ov
er in my hand and then I push it into the lock, my heart thundering. I twist it and the door opens and I sneak inside. The tears come now – I want my bobble hat back. I want my mum back. Is it so awful to want what everyone else has? I want to be normal and things to be perfect. I wanted to find the missing part of my life…but will I always feel like there’s a hole inside me?

  There is nothing but quiet inside the flat. I suck the air through my teeth as I wander down the dark hallway and into the living room. There are no curtains and through the window I see Pegasus Park laid out below like a small Lego town. That’s when I scream: “I don’t understand what’s happened to me!” And the words are so angry that it startles me and and I’m exhausted by all the emotions pouring out.

  Quiet, tired, broken, I slip down onto the floor and lie curled up in the dust. There’s a small bleep from my phone and I don’t even bother to look at it. I close my eyes and Rose creeps into my mind and I have to force my eyes open again to stop her. A few moments later the phone bleeps a second time and I weakly pull it from my pocket and stare at the message.

  Mum here. I’m coming to you. Velvet says she’s sending Sausage Roll in front because he’ll lead me straight to you. She says he’s a bloodhound. Did you ever know he was a bloodhound? No, me neither. x

  There’s a silly smile on my lips because that’s just like Velvet. She did say Sausage Roll was special and I figured that was because he was invisible, but trust her to say he was a bloodhound all along. I love Velvet. The smile falls again.

  Outside I can hear a police siren slicing the air and I huddle deeper into the shadows. The cold early evening light dribbles into the room and dust dances around me like tiny sprites at a ball. All these thoughts gallop through my head and I find myself whispering, “What did I do wrong when I was a baby? What did I do wrong the second time?” A sob builds up in my chest and it gets so big it spills into a wail and my eyes feel like they’ve been stung by a scorpion. Tears spill down my cheeks and I don’t stop them.