Deep Dark Mire (An FBI Romance Thriller ~ book four)

by Kelley, Morgan

  Walking into the shower, Desdemona tried to stop dwelling on it, but every day it became harder and harder to ignore the big pink elephant in the room. It was suffocating her and their relationship. Something needed to be done, but until then she’d plaster the faux smile on her face, and pretend she was happy as a fucking clam. Right now she’d think about the positive just to get her through the day. The only silver to this cloud’s lining was the camaraderie and the friendship that she was so freely offered. Her relationship with Callen was falling apart fast, but at least she still had a friend to call her own.

  Despite it all, it was hard to be angry at Elizabeth. The woman was like the patron saint of friendship. There was never a moment that she didn’t offer a smile, a hug, or a kind word to lift her spirits daily. Since she was on maternity leave from work, she would come by the lab and have coffee with her. Laugh, tease her and then tell her she loved her.

  How could she fault a woman who was just being kind?

  Desdemona tried to blame her for making Callen love her so much, but the logical part of her knew the truth. Elizabeth didn’t do a damn thing to suck him in. There was nothing different done with him than she did with every other person in her life with the same exact outcome. It became painful to go to the Rez with the family, only to be faced with the incredible love that Wyler and Timothy Blackhawk felt for her. Desdemona only wished the men in the family would tattoo her initials on their bodies too. That kind of power from Elizabeth was awe inspiring and devastating at the same time.

  How did a mere mortal compete with that?

  Yes, Elizabeth earned their love by saving Timothy’s life with a well-placed bullet, and granted she saved her and Callen too, but she wasn’t going to tattoo Elizabeth’s name on her flesh. Yeah, she was superwoman, and now the friend Desdemona cherished the most was becoming the thorn in her side.

  It was all just too much to take in at times, and for seven plus months, she’d been reminded by watching the Blackhawk and Whitefox men adore a woman Desdemona could only wish to be.

  Watching her with her husband, Ethan Blackhawk, she wanted what they had. Ethan stared at his wife like Elizabeth was the center of the universe for him, and that’s what she needed from any man she was marrying. Until that day, Desdemona was dragging her heels and wasn’t taking a single step down the aisle.

  All she wanted was that connection with Callen Whitefox.

  And she wanted the family.

  And the love they all had.

  And the…

  Damn it! This was entirely her fault. This was all on her. When Callen proposed she should have said no, but she was desperate for a family and to be safe. The wild copious amounts of sex distracted her too. Hindsight was twenty-twenty and now she knew that it had all been bad timing. The day he asked her, it should have been her warning that Elizabeth’s name popped up during the proposal. Maybe she should have read the look in his eyes, or some body language for a clue, but now she was aware of the cold hard truth.

  Their love wasn’t equally shared.

  Let’s face it. She couldn’t compare to Elizabeth. Desdemona was short, nerdy and played in the dead all day. It was sad that she wore heels in the house just to be able to be relatively as tall as her ‘friend’. Maybe her black and goth-y red hair was initially attractive to Callen, but often it was Elizabeth’s inky curls she’d catch him playing with absently. At one time he’d look into her unusual green eyes and she’d feel lost, but now it was icy blue ones that he shared the secret looks with daily. It was blatantly obvious who owned his heart.

  How was Desdemona to compete? Elizabeth was model gorgeous, tall, lean and mysterious. Any woman who could take out a killer with one shot to the head and not flinch, was badass and beyond. Yeah, body soup didn’t bother her, but she’d never be able to vie against a woman who just screamed self-assured and perfect.

  Desdemona hated herself that she was even thinking these things, but she couldn’t help but be a tiny bit jealous.

  Her laughter filled the shower.

  Tiny bit jealous? How about utterly, completely, total green with envy? Right then she hated herself for even thinking bad of a woman who just seven months before trudged through snow, pregnant, without Kevlar to save hers and Callen’s lives. If Elizabeth wasn’t as bad ass as she was, they’d be dead and this would all be moot. Yet there were these feelings festering in her heart and eating away at anything she was trying to build with Callen. Maybe if there were only two people in the relationship she’d have a chance.

  Standing under the water, Desdemona closed her eyes. Maybe she was just asking too much, and she should be happy that she was accepted and invited into the family with open arms. Not everyone gets an invite into the Blackhawk tribe and Desdemona did. If she just focused on that, maybe it would make it easier to swallow that it was an overwhelming battle she was losing.

  If she could just tolerate it, maybe it would make it more palatable that no matter how hard Desdemona tried, she would always be an outsider to all the Blackhawk men, including Callen. The complete irony was that Elizabeth was just as much as an outsider. Both had not a drop of Native blood. Yet the Natives loved Elizabeth and Desdemona just made them restless.

  Granted Timothy offered her the comfort of his family, but he watched her with knowing glances that made Desdemona unsettled and frankly, freaked her out. It was like he knew what she thought and the truth that lived in her heart.

  Immediately after the engagement, when her fiancé had asked about adding Desdemona to the family totem, he simply stated that once she married into the family the spider would be added and not a moment before.

  Even Wyler Blackhawk wouldn’t concede on this one, and he was always the most laid back of the men. The only one who could convince the men to bend on this rule was Elizabeth and even she didn’t have power over this one thing. Callen had told her that Elizabeth asked, and received a kiss on the forehead and Timothy’s resounding no. She wasn’t to be added until she became a Whitefox and married to Callen in a ceremony on the Rez.

  Now Desdemona needed to stop dwelling on all of this. It was making her sink deeper into the mire of despair. Desdemona needed to cheer up. Her mind was her own worst enemy at this point, and it was leading her down a trail that she didn’t want to traverse.

  The path was one where she doubted Callen, his love and fidelity to her. True she never caught him cheating, but there was just this uneasiness she felt watching Elizabeth and him together. It just didn’t seem natural that a brother-in-law be that ‘lovey-dovey’ with his brother’s wife. Yet, Ethan didn’t seem to care in the least, and that made it puzzling. Desdemona was beginning to believe that where there was smoke, there was fire. It was that or Elizabeth was dabbling in the occult and had them all under a spell.

  Now she laughed more as she pictured the woman stirring a big fat cauldron. Her skin was green and covered in warts. It was completely childish, but she gave herself one minute to just revel in the glory of being more attractive than Elizabeth. This was the only way it was ever going to happen. Okay, daydream time was over.

  As soon as the shower was finished, she was going to get dressed, and cross their back yard to have coffee with Elizabeth like she did every day. Desdemona was being a bitch, and it needed to stop now. Going to see her friend should help her forget the cranky mood she was trapped in that morning.

  Maybe she’d get to cuddle little CJ too. The chubby little bundle of baby joy always made her happy. He was just over three months old and a pleasure to be around. The jet black hair that he inherited from both his mother and father stood up wildly in a cute baby mohawk and it made her smile. His eyes were beginning to change to a darker blue, much like Ethan’s and when he smiled, you couldn’t help but smile back. He was the antidote to her shit-tastic mood.

  Yeah, maybe some CJ therapy would do her good. Plus spending time with a woman who had never been anything but kind to her could snap her out of her stupidity and jealous funk.

 
Stepping out from the water, she found herself standing in the closet looking for clothes to wear to work. Her biggest joy in life was kitschy clothing. Being the ME who wore skulls and goth-y apparel just entertained her, but as of late she was toning it down in the workplace. Not because her bosses cared, but because she was trying to change. Desdemona needed to get Callen to see the real her beneath the funny garments. It occurred to her that if she dressed more seductively, she’d get more attention from him. In theory one would think that would be the outcome. Once Elizabeth told her as long as she smelled great, and flirted, it wouldn’t matter what she wore, but she was sexing it up in hopes of making him fall madly in love with her.

  For years she hid beneath the chaotic, but now she was embracing her inner Morticia Addams and adding sex appeal to the wardrobe. As of yet, it really wasn’t working. Oh, Callen noticed the slinky skirts and the lower cut shirts. All it did was get them naked, rolling around in bed and then post coitus they were dressed, and his attention was back on his family and the other woman. She’d seen the appreciative look in his eyes as Elizabeth walked around their home barefoot and in a pair of jeans. You’d think they were the cutting edge of fashion, the way the men always had her attention.

  It was frustrating.

  Who knew falling hopelessly in love hurt just as much as being on the outside looking in? Some days, she wished she was still on the outside. The misery of it all was making her a nervous wreck.

  Desdemona did something she rarely did; she grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt. Since it was just going to be coffee, then into work to change into scrubs, why bother with the slinky and sexy today? Pulling on the jeans, she stared at her shoe choices and went with heels, only because she didn’t want to feel like a munchkin next to Glinda the good witch.

  A sigh escaped her lips that she was even thinking that way about her friend. Her rival for Callen’s attention couldn’t help that she scored when it came to DNA. Elizabeth was born the way she was born. The snideness was uncalled for, even when she was alone in her closet. The woman even had a presence here. For her birthday, Elizabeth had taken Desdemona to lunch and bought her a pair of cowboy boots. They were just like hers, only not broken in yet. Desdemona tried to wear them, but they just looked silly on her, where on Elizabeth they looked right. It wasn’t that she didn’t try to fit in with them, after all Callen had a pair that he wore religiously. Then there was a designer pair that Ethan pulled off seamlessly, even when her fiancé and Elizabeth ragged on him continually. She looked out of place in cowboy boots, so they stayed in the box out of sight and out of mind. Desdemona slipped into simple black heels and finished dressing. Now she’d go see her friend and try to get out of the ‘man funk’ as soon as possible.

  Grabbing her keys, purse and phone, she crossed her yard on the stone path that led to the big gate to the back of the Blackhawk property. Their houses butted each other, and while funny now, it caused her much angst previously. At one time she feared Elizabeth Blackhawk due to all the rumors she heard at work about her being tough, bad ass and dangerous. Well, they were all true; the only difference was that they shared a common love and that made all the difference.

  Callen Whitefox.

  Elizabeth would cut out her kidneys for the men in her life. She would stand in front of a bullet, acting as a shield. Leap tall buildings in a single bound…

  Damn it! Snarky was back and trying to pull her back under.

  Elizabeth was great and Desdemona knew it. If it wasn’t for the tension over her fiancé, there’d be nothing to bitch and moan about.

  As for girlfriends, Elizabeth did that right too. Never once was a birthday or special occasion forgotten, and often she received little surprises delivered to her at work just to make her laugh. When the stalker broke into her home and destroyed her vintage medical collections, Elizabeth took the time to find replacements for the damaged pieces.

  How do you hate a woman who offers you complete friendship and wants nothing in return? You don’t. Unless you want to look like a complete and total raving lunatic. Yeah, welcome to lunacy, Desdemona Adare.

  God damn it!

  There may no longer be a fear of Elizabeth, but there was still complete and total intimidation. Since falling in love with Callen, she was given a look into the real woman and not the rumor mill at work. Boy, would they all be surprised if they knew. The woman was nothing like she seemed, and yet she was still scared.

  Desdemona was afraid Elizabeth would find out what she was thinking inside, because it had to be clearly written on her face. Like Timothy, often she’d catch Elizabeth just staring at her and contemplating the situation. Maybe it was that she was a trained FBI agent, and had years of practice seeing the truth through the lies. You didn’t bullshit Elizabeth Blackhawk. It was a stupid thing to try and pull off and yet she’d been at it now for seven months, four days and three hours.

  Yeah, Desdemona should be ashamed of herself, but what was she to do? Part of her loved her, and a bigger part of her hated what she had with Callen. The handholding, the kisses, the…

  Once at the gate she punched in the security code and pushed it all out of her mind. If she was going to cheer up, she needed to stop dwelling over things she had no control over.

  Entering the yard was like entering a new world. Both of their properties were the same size, the only difference was the content. While Desdemona’s area was sparse, Elizabeth’s was much like her raucously out of control self. There were flowers everywhere, and that had become Elizabeth’s new passion over the summer. Of course Suzy Sunshine was going to have a fantastic garden. She was good at everything, why not this too? While she couldn’t even keep her grass from going brown, Elizabeth’s garden was lush and full of life.

  Gee it was shocking that the Goddess had mastered this too.

  The most sickening part was when they’d cross through, Callen would pick her a flower each and every time; present it to her along with a kiss. It made her want to scream and rip every perfect curl from Elizabeth’s head. Desdemona wondered where her flower was every damn time. After all, she was the one sleeping with him.

  Desdemona forced her focus to the corner of the lot. There stood a tree house. It sat outside their bedroom window and was the pride of the family. There was some secret joke about a tree house, and as of yet she’d not become privy to it. Once she asked to see it while they were on the Rez, but Callen informed her ‘another time’.

  She just didn’t get the allure of it, and maybe she wouldn’t ever. It was like a secret clubhouse she wasn’t invited into, and she had no idea what happened up there. It was becoming even clearer that she never would. Again, she was the outsider looking in.

  In the yard, Ethan had gone kid crazy. He built his son a sand box in the shade of the tree, and it was already filled with cars, trucks and bulldozers. Okay, so maybe CJ’s father wasn’t the only one who went a little crazy. She’d bought some of them too, and Callen, and Elizabeth. The kid had enough playthings for a small army. They rationalized by promising more kids and the need for lots of toys for the ‘brood’.

  No one could say that Callen James Blackhawk wasn’t the apple of everyone’s eyes. If there was one heart he owned specifically, it was his namesake. His Uncle Callen loved him with all his heart, and maybe that was why he spent so much time here.

  Desdemona repeatedly kept telling herself it was because of CJ and not the woman. Callen wanted children in the worst way, but Desdemona wasn’t going to start a family until they were all ready. As of now, they weren’t anywhere close to being prepared. Accidents happened, but Desdemona prided herself on keeping that to a minimum. Once Callen teasingly hid her birth control, and she promptly handed him a condom. You would have thought he’d been slapped; the look on his face was one she’d never seen before. Desdemona swallowed that fight too, because in her heart she knew that neither would come out on top. Callen didn’t want illegitimate children, and she didn’t want children with a man if she only had half of his
heart.

  Desdemona had learned to avoid a few things in their relationship. Elizabeth being his best friend, talks about the wedding, and when they’d start popping out little Whitefox children. Desdemona knew there was one bigger fight lurking on the horizon, and she had yet to break the news to him. If they ever got married, she wasn’t planning on changing her name. Desdemona liked her name, it suited her, and any children would carry hers as well.

  Unlike Elizabeth, she wasn’t jumping headfirst into the Blackhawk/Whitefox family name game. Elizabeth pulled off being a Blackhawk perfectly. You had to if you were being picked to be the next head of the family. Timothy didn’t trust his family name and bloodline to anyone but her. Calling her the ‘protective raven’ and sticking her at the top of the totem pole, like some Goddess that fell from heaven. Yet he wouldn’t put a tiny spider there with the family.

  She forced herself to stop. Again, she was being a total bitch. Elizabeth had earned her dues as the family leader. She’d bled for the family, killed for the family and gotten banged up emotionally to keep the men she loved safe.

  Knocking on the door, she heard the laughter of her friend, and couldn’t help but smile despite all the raging turmoil. Really she did love the woman, because she was her only friend that she ever had in her life, other than her sister. Elizabeth was already cheering her up, and she hadn’t even opened the door yet.

  Elizabeth peeked out the glass and smiled. “Morning Morticia, I see you came to see the most handsomest man in the world!” She hugged her friend, and stepped back into the house in welcome.

  “You know I am.” Desdemona smiled at the nickname her friend had given her. In medical school once she was teased because of her love of death and pathology. It had something to do with her black hair, witchy green eyes and love of Goth clothing. It used to hurt her to be called that, but Elizabeth patched up her heart, and was the ONLY person on the planet who dared to use the nickname. It was said with nothing but love and adoration, and Desdemona never minded. It was the magic of Elizabeth Blackhawk. “Where’s my little Callen?”