He paused at seeing a familiar piece of timber suddenly appear before him on the stack. ‘Wow,’ Damien sighed, bending down to pick it up. ‘I haven’t seen this for years. Didn’t even know Dad’d kept it.’ Damien must have been around thirteen, because he’d just started Year Nine woodwork and was excitedly telling his dad how they were being taught to chisel out letters in radiata pine to make a small sign. He remembered how his dad had winked at him and told him to follow him out to the shed.
Damien had been excited at the prospect of sharing a secret with his old man and he’d seemed proud to be teaching his son. His dad had carefully taken a router from its blue-green Makita box, saying it was much quicker and could do rounded corners and almost any shape you wanted.
After sketching in linked cursive script on a lump of four-by-two jarrah he’d pulled from the shelving nearby, he’d steadily traced over it with the rounded blade. Damien couldn’t remember why he wrote the word ‘esperance’ – maybe he hadn’t bothered to ask.
Actually, he could vaguely remember something … That’s right, at the time he’d assumed his dad was using the name of a town in Western Australia because he’d come across it in his travels and it had enough interesting and curly letters to impress a kid with the merits of an electric router.
What Damien hadn’t been able to shake was the fact his father had done a lowercase ‘e’ when he’d always been so particular about spelling. But you didn’t like to come across a smart-arse when you were sharing a special moment with your dad. And it was after he’d been diagnosed with the brain tumour and was getting crankier and crankier. He didn’t fully understand it back then, just that he had to be careful not to antagonise him and set him off. The thought of just how special that day had been now brought a tear to his eye. He swiped it away with the back of his hand and swallowed back the lump.
As Damien wiped the timber across his leg to remove the thick layer of dust from the varnished surface he thought how well the sign had done to survive all these years. For that he reckoned it deserved to be put up somewhere.
‘I’ll take you home to Auntie Ethel’s and give you a decent clean,’ he said.
Damien was pleased to hear Auntie Ethel say she thought his mum must have got the wrong end of the stick, or there was something else going on they didn’t know about. She suggested maybe Tina and Geoff were having troubles, and not to let it worry him. But how the hell was he supposed to do that? Everything hinged on his mum saying his plans were okay.
Least I’ve got Jacqueline, that’s something, he thought. Wow, Jacqueline and him. The blokes at the pub would shit themselves. But they could wait. Apparently he and his auntie Ethel were putting on dinner that night. It would be safer if he just fed the roos and set the table.
With dinner served, there was lively conversation around the table as people gave an account of their day. Damien was stunned to hear about his mum going off at Jacqueline. Jesus, he thought he would die of embarrassment. What the hell was wrong with her? Jacqueline had clearly spared Damien the gory specifics and, shrugging, said it hadn’t bothered her that much, she just thought he should know. But he could tell she was pretty hurt. What would his mother do when she heard they were an item?
‘Why does everything have to be so bloody difficult?’ Shit, he hadn’t meant to say that out loud.
‘Just another battle in the war of life,’ Philip said, smiling warmly.
God, I love these guys, Damien thought.
‘Anyway, you and our daughter – I happen to think that’s pretty good news,’ Philip added.
‘Yes, I think you make a very nice couple,’ Eileen smiled.
‘Thanks.’ Suddenly Damien realised he was blushing. He couldn’t remember ever being so embarrassed. Jacqueline squeezed his hand under the table and he snuck a look at her beautiful face. She looked even redder than him – all the way up her ears – which made him feel a bit more human.
‘Enough of that, you two,’ Ethel said, and they all started laughing.
Damien couldn’t remember having a better roast dinner. Juicy, slow-cooked lamb, four roast veg, gravy, and minty peas dripping in rich, salty butter. They were all so busy scoffing their food the room was empty of voices.
When Ethel announced there was still dessert to come, Damien thought it would be lucky if he could crawl to bed; he’d stuffed himself like a pig on the main course. But there was no way he was going to pass up bread and butter pudding.
A unanimous vote decided time was needed for the first course to settle so, after Philip had topped up their wineglasses, they pushed themselves back from the table. Damien took small sips as he didn’t want to waste valuable stomach space.
‘So, Damien, how are you going with your dad’s old shed?’ Philip asked.
‘Getting there. There’s heaps of stuff I can use. I suppose you heard about Mum?’
‘Only that she wasn’t very supportive,’ Philip said.
‘Understatement of the year,’ he said, and filled them in on the rest. Stunned silence followed.
‘She’ll come around, it’s a great idea,’ Eileen eventually said.
‘Thanks.’ Nice to see someone was feeling optimistic.
‘Show them the sign you found,’ Ethel said.
‘Oh yeah, I’ll just get it.’ Damien headed out to the kitchen and returned carrying the small piece of jarrah.
‘Mm,’ Philip murmured, tracing the carved letters with a finger.
‘Dad must have visited there once,’ Damien said.
‘Hope,’ Philip said, as if thinking aloud.
‘You’re absolutely right. Hope,’ Ethel said excitedly.
Jacqueline and Damien looked at each other and shrugged. ‘What?’ they both asked, frowning.
‘Trouble with Latin not being compulsory these days,’ Philip said.
‘What are you on about?’ Jacqueline demanded.
‘Esperance. It means hope in Latin,’ Philip said proudly. ‘I can’t believe I remembered that after all these years.’
‘Me too,’ Auntie Ethel said.
‘Wow,’ Damien breathed. It was starting to sink in.
‘Wonder what, exactly, he was hoping for,’ said Eileen.
Damien suddenly realised he felt sad about losing the house and everything, not for him but his dad. A lump formed in his throat and a big gulp of wine did nothing to ease it. Jacqueline squeezed his hand, but he couldn’t look at her because of the tears struggling behind his eyes. He squeezed back and bit on his bottom lip, willing the tears to go away.
‘I think we’re ready for dessert,’ Ethel said, getting up. Good old Auntie Ethel for being on the ball, Damien thought. Everyone murmured in agreement.
‘I’ll help,’ Eileen said, also getting up.
A couple of minutes later everyone around the table was murmuring with delight at the steaming bowls of dessert in front of them. No one seemed to care that baked dessert in summer was probably a bit odd. Damien watched as Jacqueline licked her lips and added a heaped spoon of double cream to her bowl of pudding. He liked the idea of a woman having a decent appetite. They were having trouble keeping their eyes and hands off each other.
Philip picked up his spoon and said, ‘I’ve been thinking …’
‘That’s dangerous, dear,’ Eileen laughed, and everyone else chuckled.
‘Very funny! No, Damien, I was thinking about what you said the other day about how you’d bought some of your own land.’
‘Yeah, doubled the holding,’ he said proudly.
‘I don’t want to interfere, but couldn’t you use your land and then your mother wouldn’t have anything to be concerned about?’
‘Jeez, why didn’t I think of that?’
‘It’s a thought – if worst comes to worst,’ Philip shrugged.
‘Just give her time,’ Ethel said.
But Damien didn’t think he could wait that long.
All of a sudden, Philip and Eileen were yawning and getting up, saying they needed an early n
ight.
‘Yeah, I’ll just feed the patients and I’m off too,’ Ethel said. Damien thought it pretty obvious what was really going on, and one look at Jacqueline told him she had realised too.
‘I’ll do it, you go to bed,’ Damien said.
‘I’ll help,’ Jacqueline said, getting up. She catches on quick, he thought, and grinned.
Damien had been waiting all day for this.
Chapter Twenty-six
Jacqueline awoke wrapped around Damien on the couch. Her eyes felt puffy and overtired, but she had no regrets as she smiled down at Damien’s long brown eyelashes and content expression nestled against the T-shirt stretched tight across her breasts. He stirred and opened his eyes, looked up at her and smiled.
‘Mm, bloke could get used to waking to this,’ he said.
‘So could a girl,’ Jacqueline said, bending to kiss him passionately.
Hearing movement in the house they stiffened. ‘Damn,’ he muttered, and they reluctantly untangled themselves.
They had just finished straightening their clothes when Ethel’s voice echoed in the hallway outside the door.
‘You two decent in there?’ she called.
Jacqueline exchanged an embarrassed grimace with Damien and was blushing a warm shade of rose when Ethel entered, balancing a tray of cups, saucers, small jug of milk, and sugar bowl.
‘There’s a perfectly good bedroom back there, you know,’ she said, tossing the words over her shoulder.
Jacqueline felt her colour rise like flames roaring up a tree trunk. ‘I’d better get going,’ she said, grabbing her suede jacket from the floor. ‘I’ll return this later,’ she added, grabbing the sugar bowl from the tray and fleeing out into the hall.
‘Damn summer,’ she growled under her breath, as she paused in Ethel’s driveway. For the second morning in a row she had to cross the street in a dishevelled state in full view of at least four neighbours already out watering their gardens.
She took a deep breath and, fixing a broad smile on her face, strode forward, the sugar bowl in her right hand thrust out in full view. Every pair of eyes quickly looked back to where hoses were trained.
‘I bought sugar yesterday, darling,’ Eileen said, as they met in the passage.
‘I know,’ Jacqueline muttered.
‘Well why …?’
‘Eileen,’ Philip, warned, grasping her elbow.
‘What?’ Eileen shot back.
Philip raised his eyebrows in a knowing expression.
‘Bathroom free?’ Jacqueline asked, and bolted past without waiting for an answer.
‘Oh, I see,’ she heard her mother say.
Jacqueline rolled her eyes and shook her head as she reached into the shower and turned the taps on full.
In her office two hours later, Jacqueline reluctantly admitted she would have to get an early night tonight, in her own bed. As much as she wanted Damien, she would have to wait until her parents left.
God knows when that’ll be, she silently moaned. He’ll probably have a house by the time that happens. She still had her head in her hands when there was a light tap on the door.
‘Come in,’ she called, lifting her head and running a hand through her hair.
‘Oh,’ she said, letting the thought escape involuntarily from her lips, as she saw Tina Anderson standing in front of her desk. What now? she wondered, putting on a professional smile.
Tina fidgeted and looked apprehensive and Jacqueline immediately unclenched her teeth. Apparently this was not going to be another round from yesterday’s bout.
‘Please, have a seat,’ she said politely.
‘I’m so sorry about yesterday …’ Tina started, and then paused.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Jacqueline said.
‘But the way I spoke to you …’
‘Forgotten. We all get a little hot under the collar sometimes.’
‘That’s an understatement,’ Tina said, smiling wanly. ‘I don’t know, everything just feels like it’s all too hard, you know, spinning out of control. Damien, the house burning down, his idea for the animal shelter – everything.’
‘What do you have against the animal shelter?’
‘That’s just it, I don’t really know. On the one hand I think it’s great he’s got his own ideas, but then I … I don’t know … I just …’
‘Don’t want things to change?’ Jacqueline suggested.
Tina nodded sheepishly. ‘If I was being honest, I think that would be it. Pretty selfish, eh?’
‘Well, that depends on why, exactly,’ Jacqueline said.
‘Well … it’s just that … your talk to the CWA got me thinking …’ Tina wasn’t making much sense, but Jacqueline remained silent in the expectation it would all come together.
‘You know, about my subconscious, my inner voice?’
‘Yes?’ Jacqueline urged.
‘This is too hard …’
‘No it’s not. Come on, just tell me how you’re feeling.’
‘Bloody annoyed, if you really want to know.’
‘Oh.’
‘At you, Damien, my husband Geoff, everything,’ she barked.
‘Right.’ Tina was visibly flustered and Jacqueline knew she should try to put her at ease, but was too busy wondering what she’d done this time to upset Damien’s mother.
‘It’s all your fault,’ Tina said.
‘Look, I don’t know what you think I’ve done, but I certainly haven’t–’ Jacqueline began, unable to hold her tongue any longer.
‘You’ve made me think too much,’ Tina said, interrupting her.
‘Oh, well surely that’s not such a bad thing, is it?’
‘It is when it makes your world fall apart,’ Tina said.
‘I don’t see why Damien’s plans would make you think that.’
‘Well, it’s true.’
‘Don’t you think you’re being a little melodramatic?’ Jacqueline asked, forgetting her role for a moment and thinking only of protecting Damien.
‘Fine!’ Tina snarled, and started to get up.
‘I’m sorry. Please stay. Let’s get to the bottom of this,’ Jacqueline said, holding her hands up in surrender, and wondering how Tina would feel if she knew she was involved with her son.
‘I’m so confused.’ Tina shook her head.
‘That’s okay, I’m here to help.’
‘But I don’t believe in shrinks,’ Tina said.
‘What harm could it do to talk to someone? It might even help,’ Jacqueline said, summoning her warmest smile.
‘Well alright, I’ll stay.’
‘Now, tell me what’s changed. Take your time.’
‘Geoff was a mistake,’ Tina said abruptly.
‘Your current husband?’
Tina nodded in answer.
‘Why do you say that?’
‘Just a feeling.’ She shrugged, and then sniffed.
Jacqueline noticed a few tears had crept down her cheek, and handed her a tissue.
‘Go on,’ she said kindly.
‘Dean was the love of my life. It was tough, but I loved him to the end …’ She seemed to have run out of words.
‘That doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else. I’m sure your first husband wouldn’t have wanted you to be alone.’
Jacqueline noticed Tina fidgeting, as if fighting for the right words or, as was often the case in therapy, perhaps not wanting to say what was really on her mind.
‘Come on, just be honest with me. It’ll make things easier,’ she urged.
‘Well … I … alright. I married him so Damien would know I was all right and could get on with his own life. Satisfied?’ she snapped.
‘I’m not here to judge, Tina.’
‘But you think I’m crazy, right?’
‘It’s not about what I think. What I want to know is, what has changed? Is this all about the fire?’
‘No.’
‘Well what then?’
‘It was Dean’s dream,
but he probably forgot anyway – his personality changed quite a bit,’ she explained.
What had been Dean’s dream? Jacqueline wondered, but kept silent.
‘I never told Damien because I didn’t want him to be under any pressure to follow in his father’s footsteps. But apparently I was wrong. By not telling him it seems he had no direction and became lost himself along the way.’
Jacqueline thought she couldn’t have put it better herself, and nodded.
‘Dean had the idea for the animal refuge, must be over twenty years ago now, but when he got sick we lost his wage and there was only enough to survive on. So we were stuck with farming.’
Oh, Jacqueline thought, Tina was finally making some sense.
‘But you’re not happy Damien’s fulfilling his father’s dream?’ Jacqueline reckoned she knew exactly what was going on in Tina’s head, but was treading carefully.
‘I am, really.’
‘But?’
‘I don’t know, I don’t understand why or really how I feel,’ Tina said.
‘Maybe you feel trapped with Geoff. You signed saying “Till death do us part” and now want to be free, but don’t want to be seen as weak?’ Jacqueline suggested, hoping she’d read the situation correctly.
‘I feel like the worst person,’ Tina sighed. Jacqueline took the answer to mean she’d hit the nail on the head.
‘Why?’ she asked. ‘For changing your mind and wanting to follow your heart?’
Tina nodded, the tears rolling freely down her face in a glistening stream.
‘As they say, we only get one go at life. This isn’t a trial run.’
Jacqueline smiled, hoping to ease the tension.
‘I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing Dean,’ Tina added wistfully.
Jacqueline felt like her heart would split in two trying to keep a professional distance and not burst into a flood of tears herself. She held a box of tissues towards Tina.
‘Thank you,’ Tina said, taking a few and dabbing her eyes.
‘You probably think I’m a terrible mother, but I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. I was married at eighteen – only a baby really – and have always craved company.
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