by Misti Murphy
“Get off,” he says, his spine rigid.
“A touchy subject?” Sometimes I talk too much, and I should think about what I say in advance, but I never do.
“Off,” he repeats gruffly, but then he twists and helps me off Soldier’s back before joining me on the ground.
“What are we doing here?” My thighs are partly numb from riding. They’ll probably hurt tomorrow, but it will be worth it. “Are you going to explain why the idea of having sex with me is so horrifying?”
Cas moves toward me, but he doesn’t answer my question.
“It’s only two naked, sweaty bodies getting off together. It’s just your dick in my vagina.” It might be a little more than I’m making out with the words that are coming out of my mouth and the hammering of my pulse as he walks me back.
He growls as my butt meets one of the thick tree trunks.
The gnarled bark scratches roughly at my skin. “It’s no different from when I fuck myself with my vibrator, surely? We’ve kissed a couple times. I thought maybe you were attracted to me, otherwise I wouldn’t have asked. Did I get it wrong? Why don’t you say anything?”
“Could I get a word in edgewise? Can you ever stop talking?” He’s looking at me like he wants something. So serious and dark.
“I don’t know. Maybe.” His hooded gaze roves my shoulders, my breasts. My nipples pebble under it, and I gasp as arousal floods me. This is why he has to be the one. My first time. “Can you ever tell me exactly what’s on your mind?”
“Fine,” he whispers. “Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t have sex with you. I can’t have sex with anyone.”
“I don’t understand. What? Why? How come? Does your dick not work because it’s so huge? It looks like it should work fine.” I reach out to brush my fingers along his zip over the hardness of his erection.
He groans, his hand finding the tree above my head as he angles his whole body to mine. His mouth is right beside mine, his hot breath lances my cheek. “It works fine. It’s just, fuck, I don’t even know where to begin.”
I cup him through his jeans, squeeze and rub his cock. I want to see it, want to hold the entirety of it in my hand and see how he reacts. I watch his face and listen to the sounds that come from him over what I’m doing. Something deep inside me pulses with need. An ache like I’ve never had makes me whimper. I want to be filled.
He swears, hot against my ear, grabs my hand and pulls it away from his groin. Twining my fingers with his he holds it by my side while he finds the button on my shorts. When it pops open I jump and the bark drags at my back. His fingers dig into the waist of my shorts, his entire palm flat against my abdomen as he slides it down between my legs. There’s not enough space for him to touch me properly, but the slight brush of his finger over my clit makes my knees bow, and I lurch forward.
He catches my mouth and kisses me hard, and I wind an arm around his neck. Maybe I didn’t know what I was missing out on, keeping my love for my vibrator. He tugs his hand from my panties and shoves them along with my shorts down my legs. Then he sinks to his knees, his fingers trailing over my skin from my shorts and panties around my ankles to the inside of my knee.
This is all happening so fast. But I want it. I want his hands on me. His face so close to my pussy I can’t stop thinking about his tongue, anticipating it. My body screams for it. My clit pulses. Maybe in the heat of the moment he’ll fuck me anyway? I would if it was me. He’d be too impossible to resist.
He slides his palms between my thighs, presses until I widen my stance. A low moan leaves his lips as he cups one of my ass cheeks, grips it hard enough to leave a bruised map of his fingerprints and pulls my pussy to meet his lips.
Holymotherofagoodlordfuckingshitonabiscuit. His tongue is wet and rasps over my clit, sending pleasure ricocheting through me as he licks at me unhurriedly. The rough calluses on his knuckles as he breaches me with a finger stirs more sensation. He pushes in deep as he laps and nips at my swollen, tender flesh. I’m so sensitive that when he sucks me between his teeth I grasp fistfuls of his hair in both hands and whine, “More, Cas, please.”
There are a million other words that I want to shout after that as a flock of birds twitter across the sky. Deeper. Harder. Faster. Fuck me. More. More. More.
The tree at my back thrums as he thrusts me back against it so roughly the trunk shudders. I vibrate too, with need. I need to know what he would feel like inside me while I come. But he’s twisting and scissoring two fingers inside me, and my arousal is slippery on my inner thighs. And his mouth. My God, his mouth is the best thing on this planet. My insides are clenching. Squeezing rhythmically around his fingers as I slam my eyes shut and ride the sensation that is so much better than I expected it would be. Until my legs don’t want to hold me up anymore. Until my voice is weak and almost croaky.
He finally slows and then relents, pulling up my panties and shorts before climbing to his feet. He swipes the back of his hand across his wet lips, and then shoves his hands in his pockets.
“That was a first for me,” I say, still trying to catch my breath. “A very good first.”
“It’s not what you wanted.” He shrugs. “But maybe you’ll know whether perfect Sam’s actually good at giving you what you want when he finally takes you to bed for real.”
Funny. I haven’t thought about Sam since Cas pushed my back to that tree. I thought I’d maybe compare the pair. That I’d have Cas show me the ropes, and the whole time I would be analyzing how it would work with Sam. But he never once crossed my mind. All I could see was Cas. All I could feel was his touch. But he’s right. I have to remember what I really want, what will make me whole. I’m smart enough to know that attraction isn’t everything. Attraction fades. Lust dies. That’s why I used my head when I chose Summer’s brother. I have to remember that. “I’m sure he will.”
“He can give you things I can’t.” Cas continues walking down the narrow gulley toward where Soldier grazes.
“Like his cock?” It’s not that I’m thinking about Sam’s cock. Really, I just want to know what happened to Cas to make him give up anything that feels as good as what he did to me. “Why don’t you have sex?”
Chapter Sixteen
CASPER
“I’m sorry, your fiancée didn’t make it.”
“It appears she suffocated.”
“The police would like to have a word with you when you’re ready. They have a few questions they’d like you to answer if you can.”
“There’ll be an inquest. They’ll do an autopsy.”
“The coroner’s report couldn’t confirm the cause of death. It’s possible she suffocated, but there was also alcohol and other toxins in her blood. Not enough to overdose on, but her reactions would have been impaired. Do you know if she regularly took horse tranquilizers?”
“You’re free to go, Mr. Morgan. It’s unclear if the position she died in had any bearing on the event. No charges will be laid against you.”
“Such unfortunate circumstances. It was an accident.”
“An accident.”
“A freak accident.”
That’s what they said. I still can’t wrap my head around how it could be an accident though. I was culpable, damn it. I should have been able to tell something was wrong, and not been so lost in the moment that I couldn’t see her dying right in front of my eyes.
My chest constricts so painfully I almost bow to it. There’s no getting away from this conversation. Once Mandy sets her mind to something she’s impossible to dissuade her. It’s one of the things that draws me in so fucking hard. When did my care for the girl start to outweigh my memories? “She died right in front of me. Juliette. My fiancée. About eighteen months ago. We were…she was…”
Her hands land on my shoulders and turn me to her. She’s like an angel with all that silvery blonde hair puffed up around her face in a tangled web of knots from rubbing against the tree. Putting her arms around my waist, she holds onto me as she presses her cheek to
my chest. Can she hear how hard my heart beats? Can she hear each breath that rattles my ribs?
“I don’t even know where to begin.” I let out a strangled laugh. “You might not even believe me.”
“I’ll believe you, Cas. You’ve never told me anything that wasn’t true. Except for when you were calling me stupid, and even then it was more the wrong choice of words.”
“I shouldn’t have called you that.” I curl an arm around her shoulders and hold her tightly to me for a moment. “Because it isn’t true. Far from it, in fact. You’re smart and determined, and I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I was such a jerk to you.”
“You don’t want anyone getting close.”
No, that’s not it exactly. I grip her arms and hold them at her sides as I pull back. “I don’t want anyone getting hurt. Juliette died because of me. I don’t care what anyone else says. Things like that don’t just happen.”
“Cas, you wouldn’t hurt anyone.”
“Fuck, Mandy. She choked to death on my dick.”
The words explode from me like an atomic bomb and I have to turn away from her. I stumble a few steps before I can look at her again. “She suffocated while we were…while she was…I killed her with my penis.”
Mandy laughs. It starts as a giggle. Her eyes wide, she covers her mouth with her hand to stifle the sound. All that does is make her laugh harder until her shoulders start to shake and her eyes water. “You’re making this up, right? This is your elaborate excuse to not have sex with me?”
“I lost my fiancée because of my fucking dick. She died, Mandy. For fuck’s sake, can you stop laughing?” I want to grab her and shake some sense into her. I’m telling her my deepest darkest regrets, my secrets, and she laughs at me?
“Trying.” She pants. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Not trying to be mean.” She holds her hand out to me. “But come on, Cas. Surely it wasn’t because of your dick. It’s big and you’re rough, but there has to be more to it, doesn’t there? I mean you can’t be that big.”
“Can’t I?” I grit my teeth and tug on the zip then shove my pants down and let it all fucking hang out.
She stops laughing immediately. Her eyes grow huge in her pretty face. So much bigger than they were over finding out why I can’t be with her. Her mouth forms an O and then she whispers, “Wow. It’s not even hard.”
“Believe me now?”
“No.” She tilts her head to the side and wraps a strand of her hair around her finger while her gaze is glued to my cock.
“You should.” I grab my pants to pull them back up.
“Don’t,” she whispers. Twigs snap under her feet as she moves in front of me, her hand going to my cock, hesitating. The heat of her fingers is right there above my skin. My dick twitches and grows. “Twelve inches?”
“Close enough.” I can’t move. Can’t make my muscles work while she stands so near, almost touching me. “Enough to destroy my life.”
“I am so sorry that you lost someone you loved.”
“Me too.”
“Surely it was an accident?”
“That’s what the investigators said, but I was right there with her. I should have been able to do something about it.” It actually feels good to tell her, though it doesn’t change anything. Somehow it’s like her knowing and laughing over it makes it not so horrifying.
Looking up at me, she bites her lip. “Can I touch it?”
Fuck. I haven’t been this naked with another person since Juliette. I haven’t let anyone touch me. In fact, Mandy’s the only one who has gotten around my grouchiness. And I want her to touch me. I need her to wrap her hand around me. I tamp down on the fear that runs through my veins and nod.
Her fingers play across my shaft, over the top and then along the thick raised vein underneath. I hiss out a breath and look up at the sky as my erection swells. If I look at her I’m going to want more than I can have, and it might kill me to know that I can’t have her because she means so much to me.
There are things one isn’t supposed to experience more than once in a lifetime, though this sensation beating in my chest is almost familiar. Her nails scratch lightly around the crown of my cock and then she wraps her palm around as much of me as she can and strokes. There’s pleasure in her touch, there’s pain in my memories. My hips rush to meet her hand, over and over and over.
“Cas?” she whispers as she squeezes and strokes me.
When I look at her she’s flushed pink, her lips open as she pants softly to the rhythm of her hold on me. With a growl, I crush her to me and suck and lick at her mouth while I coat her hand with my cum. Mandy Pearce is breaking me down inch by inch, brick by brick. I’m not sure I’ll survive when she stops.
***
Razer is talking to me about something. I can’t really hear him all that well over the band at the front of the barn. In front of us fifty odd kids, twenty staff, numerous volunteers, and the kids’ families mingle. A lot of them are dancing. I’m propped against the wall watching her.
It’s a costume party. The kids made theirs out of whatever they could find. I’m pretty sure one of them decided to wave some branches around and call himself a tree, but most of them put in some real thought and the adults pitched in to make their ideas a reality.
Mandy is wearing wings. Sparkly sequined fairy wings with a bright pink tutu and a white leotard. She’s even colored her hair pink for the occasion. She’s so fucking beautiful.
Behind her Sam stands with Summer. He can’t stop watching Mandy either, his gaze tracking her every move. They’ve been getting closer over the past few weeks thanks to his helping her go through the paperwork we took from her grandmother’s attic. A feral sound vibrates in my throat.
“You and Mandy are getting close?” Razer says. “That’s really good to see.”
“What?” I tear my attention away from Sam and Mandy.
“You and Mandy,” he repeats louder.
“What about me and Mandy?”
“You two serious?”
Mandy flits between the kids, spinning and twirling. She’s even got herself a wand. And a bag of trinkets to hand out. She catches me staring and breaks into a grin. I swear if there wasn’t a room full of children she’d probably seduce me with her dance moves. It wouldn’t even be on purpose to make that jackass who isn’t good enough to be her Mister Right jealous. It wouldn’t take much for her to wind me around her little finger. She’s all I can think about since that afternoon in the forest.
Not that we’ve talked about what happened.
She’s caught me staring at her a few times and was unable to hide the blush in her cheeks or the way her nipples stabbed at her top.
I’ve caught her with her gaze glued to my ass, or my crotch, and I’ve been unable to swallow, let alone speak. My mouth waters for another taste.
She’s asked me all kinds of questions about Juliette until it’s not so hard to answer them, and she’s reminded me again and again and again how it has to have been an accident, until I started to see things from her point of view. She’s told me over and over that my dick isn’t as horrifying as I like to make it out to be. It’s actually quite a nice dick, according to her.
But we haven’t talked about how she asked me to take her virginity or whether she still wishes I would. And we haven’t discussed how I can’t stop wondering how far I could go with her before I freaked out about my goddamn cock. We haven’t spoken of hard limits, like how I am never going to let another woman put her mouth on my dick.
And I want to discuss those things with her. Now. Before she goes to dinner with Sam Sweets tonight. Pushing off the wall, I make my way to where she’s talking to one of the kids. She stands up and fluffs the front of her tutu as I get to her.
“Come on.”
“What are we doing?” she asks as I lead her from the barn out into the night. To the right of us is a bonfire. Red sparks fly up into the sky and then fall dark. Children yell and giggle as they carve dark streaks t
hrough the field, the lights from their flashlights bouncing off trees and grass and rocks.
Her hand is snug in mine, her steps wide and unhurried. When I glance at her she smiles big. So big. I get this urge to have her inked into my skin. Just like this. With the wings and the wand and the tutu. We round the corner of the barn away from the kids and everyone else, and step into the shadows. I pull her to my chest, cup her face. Her pink hair slips through my fingers as I press my forehead to hers. “Ask me again.”
“Ask you what, Cas?” Our breath mingles, her chest pressed to mine. This time I don’t try to keep space between us. I want every part of her touching every part of me. I need her to feel what she does to me and know what I ache to do to her.
“Are you going to tell him you’re a vi—”
She puts her fingers over my mouth to shut me up. “Am I going to tell the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with that I lied to him almost from the beginning? That wouldn’t be very smart.”
“Then ask me,” I tell her.
“Are you serious?” she asks. “I know this is a huge deal for you. I can’t ask you to do something you’ll be uncomfortable with.”
I slide my hand down the wall to her hip, slip it under her tutu and between her legs. She’s wearing a leotard. It would be so easy to push the thin cloth barrier aside with her panties and penetrate her with my fingers. “Ask me.”
She whimpers at my touch, her arms winding around my neck. Her mouth seeks mine in a slow kiss. “Cas, please have sex with me? Help me get the first time out of the way.”
“Don’t have dinner with him tonight,” I whisper against her lips. “Ask me to come home with you instead.”
She pulls away slowly. “I can’t. Not tonight. If I want him to fall for me I have to be available while pretending I’m not obtainable. That’s the only way he’ll work out how good we could be together. Isn’t that why we’re playing like we’re together?”
