by Misti Murphy
“My head is logical enough to pick someone who won’t hurt me. My heart would stomp all over itself for love.” Blinking widely, she gulps down a mouthful of air. “That’s fine for those who have people to fall back on, people who will love them no matter what. But you and I don’t have that. Neither of us have enough left to risk, do we?”
“We have nothing.” The words come out raw, painful, because the only thing I have left that means anything to me is Soldier, and I’m risking him every day I stay here. For her. Because I need to help her find happiness. With her Mr. Right. Who isn’t me.
What would she say if she knew? One word from her could turn my whole world upside down again, and I’m not ready for that. I can’t let Juliette go. She was everything to me for so long. I can’t give up Soldier because maybe this girl in front of me fixes something inside me. Not letting her know how attached I’m becoming is easier than imagining what I’d do if she felt the same way.
“Exactly. So you understand why being with Sam is the right move for me?” She pushes at my chest.
No. No, I don’t understand it at all. Pulling her to me, I press my lips to her forehead and breathe in the sugary fragrance of her hair. Mandy Pearce deserves everything she wants. I just wish it was me. “I think you’re wrong.”
“You do?” She exhales, her breath stroking my Adam’s apple as the gap between us disappears.
Maybe it’s all me, moving closer, pushing her flat to the door, but I want to believe it’s not. I want to believe the reason her hands spread across my chest is because she can’t keep them off me, and not because she’s trying to keep me at bay.
“Yes, I fucking do.”
“And why is that? What do you think is right for me?”
Me. Fuck it. Me. I’m the guy. Not him. I almost tell her that. It’s on the tip of my tongue. But then a bunch of kids start yelling somewhere out in the field that stretches behind us.
Mandy pushes me away. “You don’t have an answer, because you don’t know. You think because you rode in here on your horse and started bossing me around that you know what’s right for me? I’ve known what I wanted for much longer than that. Even before I knew Sam. You have no idea how long I’ve held out for Mr. Right. How long I’ve waited for the perfect man to come along. This isn’t some crazy scheme I came up with when Sam came to town. Or even when I met him the first time, over a year ago. I’ve known what I wanted for years, studied men and analysed them and made decisions all based around the future I’ve chosen. And I am so close to getting what I want. He’s the one, and pretty soon he’s going to work that out too. So can we please stick to the plan?”
What else is there to say except, “Fine.”
“Good.”
Mandy Pearce is heartbreakingly, breathtakingly beautiful when she’s being stubborn like this. I can’t handle it anymore, but I don’t want to let her go. “But I have a condition.”
“What is that?”
“We make this seem even more real. We lead Sam to believe that if he wants you he’ll have to pull out all stops to steal you away from me. Starting with you staying at the ranch with me every night until we... until we’re done with this farce.”
“I don’t think that’s necessary,” she says. “When what we really need to do is break up.”
“Break up?”
“Right.”
Because this is a charade. One I have to get away from before it does me in. “Of course. We have to break up. The sooner we do that the better.”
“Exactly.” She gives a sharp nod of her chin. “You’ve already taken Soldier away from here. I can only imagine you’re restless and impatient to move on as well.”
Then I can work on forgetting her. “So how do you want to play this out?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure.”
“What? You don’t have a plan for how this is supposed to go?”
“No.” She looks at me uncertainly, expectantly.
“Okay.” I exhale. This is happening and there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop it, which means it’ll go easier if I just give in to the fact that she isn’t meant to be mine. “We should go into town and make sure we’re seen by your Sam. Wouldn’t want to deprive him of front row seats.”
“Tonight then?” She cocks an eyebrow and waits for my answer.
“Absolutely.” I step away from her. And then tomorrow I’ll take Soldier and move on. The same as I always have. Like I planned to before I started wondering what it would be like to stand still with Mandy Pearce. “Mayhem?”
“Yes. I’m going to go home and primp. I want to be at my best.” She swipes her hands down her skirt as she walks away, and it hits me. It knocks my breath clean out of my lungs. I’m never going to be able to touch her again. This might well have been the last time. I’m not going to get to savor her taste or the way her skin blushes all over when she cries out my name. I don’t get to kiss her anymore, or listen to her voice, or tell her what to do in the kitchen. Or feel ten feet tall when she looks at me like maybe I’m better than perfect Sam.
How can I possibly feel more for Mandy Pearce as she walks away from me than I did for Juliette when she died? How can the second time my world stops be so much worse than the first?
***
Mayhem is pure chaos. I guess they got the name right when they chose it. Out on the vinyl dance floor Mandy and Summer and this other girl named Ashleigh who’s apparently Summer’s other best friend wiggle to the music while I play pool with Gabe and Dylan. Any other night and I’d maybe say the two guys are enjoyable company, but everything is sour tonight. Even the beer I’ve been nursing for almost thirty minutes now.
Mandy looks so damn beautiful. She practically glows and she’s wearing this ridiculous silver mini dress that is just killing me inside. The back drapes open almost to her ass and it’s clingy in all the right places and her pink lace bra peeks through in a way that leaves me uncomfortable as well as ready to rip the limbs from anyone who looks at her. Which basically means I’ve been death glaring Sam fucking Sweets all night.
And he’s been glowering back at me. It’s funny, when you think about it. He’s the one who told Mandy she wasn’t good enough for him. He’s the asshole who made her feel rejected. And still he’s the one she’s choosing to be with. But right now, he’s jealous of me the way I am of him. He’s wondering whether she could ever feel about him the way she supposedly does about me. He hasn’t got a fucking clue that I’m nothing to her.
My cell rings and I put down my beer before I answer. “What’s going on?”
“There was a woman here looking for you.” It’s hard to hear Claire with all the noise. “She said her name’s Moira, and that she’s here for the horse. She was quite adamant that I hand him over.”
My heart jack-knifes before I recall that Soldier isn’t at the ranch. I took precautions. I moved him as soon as I chose to stay. I march around the crowd in the middle of the room, slip through a door that leads into a tight corridor behind the main area, where it’s quieter. “Tell her he’s not on the ranch and that she should discuss our business with me.”
“I tried to tell her that he’s not stabled here, and that she should come back and talk to you in the morning,” Claire tells me.
“Good.” I exhale. I took a risk staying here after she showed up. I couldn’t say no to Mandy. Or maybe I couldn’t say no to the way she makes me feel, but I should have known better. Sticking around wasn’t smart. It won’t take Moira long to find Soldier when there’s only a handful of stables close by. “I’ll deal with it. She won’t bother you and Razer again. I promise.”
“I’m more worried about you. She left threatening to call the police on you, Cas. Are you in some kind of trouble?”
Yeah. Mandy Pearce is some kind of trouble. I knew it from the start. Doesn’t help me now, though, when I’m tied up in knots over her. Watching her with Sam is killing me. Knowing I’ll lose her by the end of tonight is twisting me up inside. Knowing I cou
ld lose Soldier because I couldn’t live without the way Mandy Pearce makes me feel is terrifying. And what if Moira actually meant it when she threatened to involve the cops this time? “Nope. Nothing I can’t handle.”
“Are you going to be leaving soon?” Claire asks.
“I think I might be.” I lean against the wall and scrub at the top of my head. There’s no point in staying any longer anyway. “Mandy’s good in the kitchen, though, and she’ll be able to wrangle you some help for the last week of camp, I’m sure.”
“We’ll survive. It’s only a few more days,” Claire says. “Will we see you before you go?”
“I don’t know.”
“If there’s anything we can do…you’ve got Razer’s number.”
“Yes. Absolutely.” I try not to let the thickness in my throat, and the slow, tight way my lungs squeeze come through in my answer. “I’ll be in touch.”
“Cas?” Mandy says as I hang up and slide my phone into my pocket. “Are you okay?”
“Sure,” I respond, still facing the wall, concentrating on breathing in and out. I’m perfectly fine. Why wouldn’t I be? It’s not like three months with this beautiful, maddening girl didn’t spin my world like a top. Whichever way I turn I lose something important to me tonight. The past, the present, the future. It’s all on the table.
Juliette’s laughter fills my head. The memory of her hands finds my skin. She’s whispering dirty words in my ear with her atrocious French accent. It was so bad, so, so bad. Remembering it now makes me snort.
“How is it we’ve lived in Paris for three years and your accent is still as twangy as it was the day I met you?”
“It’s not,” she says, grinning up at me. “Memories are funny, don’t you think? Right now, this memory didn’t happen quite like this. You were so angry, Casper. You had plans. Big plans for the two of us.”
“Because I loved you. I wanted everything with you.”
“You were blind.” She shakes her head. “You still are.”
“Cas?” Mandy touches my shoulder and I jump. My thoughts fall away like crackling leaves.
Locking my arm around her waist, I pull her between me and the wall. Her skin is hot and damp from dancing. Her dress clings to her curves, iridescent and glittery. Pale bangs hang like a wave across one eye, and I push them out of the way so I can stare into those pretty greens. Was I blinded? Am I still? Mandy Pearce is so dazzling that I can’t see anything but her when she’s in front of me. I ache to hold onto that bright spark she lights inside me when she’s in my arms. In my bed. In my life.
“Are you okay?” She repeats herself, touching my face much like she did the first time I forgot to be surly with her. She’d surprised us both. Taken my breath away. Just like she does now. She may as well be a lightning strike.
“Je suis amoureux de toi.” I exhale the words like a prayer.
“What?” She stares up at me with wide eyes that crinkle around the corners. “What does that mean?”
“N-nothing.” I brush off her curiosity with a shake of my head. “It doesn’t mean anything.”
“I didn’t even know you knew another language.”
“French,” I say. “From my years abroad.”
“In Paris,” she corrects. “When you were actually happy. Do you think I would have liked that, Cas?”
“I don’t know.” Funny how these last few weeks I suspect I wasn’t as miserable as she makes me sound. “But I would have liked you. I like you now. I suspect I always will.”
“That’s good,” she says. “Because I want to be your friend. I want you to call me when you’re on the road with Soldier. I want you to text me, or email me, or send smoke signals.”
“Friends? That’s what you want?”
“Uh-huh.”
I study her face, searching for something. A spark, an inkling that she’s holding back on me, but Mandy Pearce doesn’t hold back. She’s insufferable with the way she puts her thoughts into words. I clear my throat. “You were looking for me. You need something.”
“I do. Yes.” She swallows and I want to chase that supple movement of muscles with my mouth. “You think I’m wrong, don’t you? Is that what you just said? Tell me what it means. Je suis amo—”
“Does it matter?” Because if it matters—
“No, I guess not.” She lifts a shoulder and drops it as she glances at our feet. We’re toe to toe, but we couldn’t be further apart. “It’s time to break up, Cas.”
“Is it?” When it’s the last thing I want to do.
Chapter Twenty-Four
MANDY
“Is it?” Cas murmurs. He’s still got me trapped in the circle of his arm so even though my heart wants to throw up glitter at the way he’s staring into me. “Is that it then, Mandy?”
“Of course it is.” I nod, mainly so I can look at something that isn’t him. This is what we’ve been working up to all summer. This is the pivotal moment. It’s where I finally get Sam, which is what I’ve wanted for so long. Maybe I should be more excited, but it’s probably nerves that swarm me. It isn’t because tonight or tomorrow or the next day I’ll finally have to say goodbye to Cas. But that’s a good thing too; him leaving. It’s time to concentrate on the future.
“I’m leaving after this, just so you know.”
“I’ll miss you,” I say.
“One last kiss?” he asks quietly, into my ear.
How can I refuse? One last kiss. One more moment where my belly flip-flops and my heart stutters. One more moment with Cas. I tip my head back and lift up on my tiptoes to slide my mouth across his. It’s only a little kiss.
His grip on me tightens. Both sinewy arms slide up my back and press me to him. For a second I could swear I catch his heartbeat in the palm of my hand, before I curl my fingers in his shirt and drag his mouth as close as we can get. There’s a feral desperation in the way our tongues clash, in the bite of his teeth on my bottom lip. God, the man leaves me needy and aching like nothing else does. He makes my toes curl and sets my insides on fire. Don’t go.
A couple of girls enter the hallway. Giggling, they bump and sway against each other as they make their way toward us. Cas draws away from me, but his gaze lingers, even as he sidesteps and leans against the wall beside me so the girls can get by. They stage whisper over how gorgeous he is as they pass us and one of them flutters her eyelashes at him.
My heart squeezes, but at the same time I know how this break up is going to go before he reaches out to grasp her hand. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to cause more damage than any blunt knife ever could. But that’s what I want, isn’t it? It has to be real.
Oh God, why does it feel so freaking real as he pulls one of the girls against him, as he uses those big hands of his to tip her head back. With her black hair shimmering under the strip lighting, she drops her hands to his chest as I take a backward step. Staring up at him with dilated pupils, hazy with alcohol and lust, her lips part, and he brushes his thumb across the lower one.
“Ready?” he asks.
The girl nods and her friend coos, but he’s looking at me. He’s waiting for me, and why wouldn’t I be ready?
This is the night I land the man of my dreams. Perfect Sam. My Mister Right. Even as I jerk my chin, my eyes sting. I can’t watch him kiss someone who isn’t me. Even if it’s as fake as we were meant to be. I can’t stand the idea of it. I race out of that hallway as fast as I can.
By the time I enter the main room of Mayhem where the noise drowns out my rapid pulse and my hiccupping breaths the moment is over. It’s going to be fine. This is what I want. This is the plan. And I am always the girl with the plan.
Sam spots me and rushes to my side. His fingers land on my cheeks, his thumbs brushing the wetness from them while he showers me with concern. “What’s wrong?”
I almost tell him that nothing is wrong. That right now, this is the first time all summer things have been right. Cas is kissing some other girl while I stand here with the man I plan
to marry and have kids with. Is Cas relieved to put this farce behind us? Or does it sting a little for him too? This break up is fake, but the emotions swirling inside me feel real. It’s only because Cas is leaving. After this I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, and I’m not ready to say goodbye. I don’t want to lose him from my life completely, even though we both knew it would come to this.
“Cas is, he was…” I point to the door behind me. “He’s kissing someone else. I didn’t want to hurt him, and he kissed her right in front of me. He just—”
“That asshole.” Sam growls. His fingers pulse with tension against my skin. “I can’t believe he would do that to you.”
“I-it doesn’t matter. It’s not like you and I haven’t—”
“Mandy?” Cas flies through the door, staggering to a stop when he sees Sam and me. He sucks in a big gulping breath as he takes in how close we are. “Fuck. We need to talk. We should talk about this.” He completely ignores Sam while he marches toward us, his gaze zeroing in on me, begging me. “Please come outside with me. Hear me out.”
“She doesn’t have anything to say to you,” Sam snaps.
“No, nothing.” I shake my head, try to hide the fresh wetness that blurs my vision. These tears are ridiculous. I must be a better actor than I ever imagined.
“Please, Mandy?” Cas reaches for me.
Sam shifts so that he’s between us. “She said she didn’t want to. You should leave.”
“Is that what you really want?” Cas drops his hand to his side, solely focused on me. He looks in distress, and I wonder whether he channels the way he felt about Juliette to make this so agonizingly real. “Because it would only take one word from you.”
I want to reach out and smooth the pain from his face, but I don’t because this isn’t real. This is all for Sam’s benefit. It’s not like Cas actually feels this way because of me, is it? If he did…
