And from my false hand cut the wedding ring,
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?
I know thou canst, and therefore see thou do it!
I am possessed with an adulterate blot;
My blood is mingled with the crime of lust.
For if we two be one, and thou play false,
I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
Being strumpeted by thy contagion.
Keep then fair league and truce with thy true bed,
I live unstained, thou undishonourèd.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not.
In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
As strange unto your town as to your talk,
Who, every word by all my wit being scanned,
Wants wit in all one word to understand.
LUCIANA
Fie, brother, how the world is changed with you!
When were you wont to use my sister thus?
She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE By Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE By me?
ADRIANA
By thee; and this thou didst return from him—
That he did buffet thee, and in his blows
Denied my house for his, me for his wife.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?
What is the course and drift of your compact?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I, sir? I never saw her till this time.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Villain, thou liest; for even her very words
Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I never spake with her in all my life.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
How can she thus then call us by our names ?—
Unless it be by inspiration.
ADRIANA A
How ill agrees it with your gravity
To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave,
Abetting him to thwart me in my mood !
Be it my wrong you are from me exempt,
But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine.
Thou art an elm, my husband; I a vine,
Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state,
Makes me with thy strength to communicate.
If aught possess thee from me, it is dross,
Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss,
Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion
Infect thy sap, and live on thy confusion.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (aside)
To me she speaks, she moves me for her theme.
What, was I married to her in my dream?
Or sleep I now, and think I hear all this?
What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?
Until I know this sure uncertainty,
I’ll entertain the offered fallacy.
LUCIANA
Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (aside)
O, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner.
This is the fairy land. O spite of spites,
We talk with goblins, oafs, and sprites.
If we obey them not, this will ensue:
They’ll suck our breath or pinch us black and blue.
LUCIANA
Why prat‘st thou to thyself, and answer’st not?
Dromio, thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (to Antipholus)
I am transformed, master, am not I?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I think thou art in mind, and so am I.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Thou hast thine own form.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, I am an ape.
LUCIANA
If thou art changed to aught, ’tis to an ass.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE ⌈to Antipholus⌉
’Tis true she rides me, and I long for grass.
’Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never be
But I should know her as well as she knows me.
ADRIANA
Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,
To put the finger in the eye and weep
Whilst man and master laughs my woes to scorn.
(To Antipholus) Come, sir, to dinner.—Dromio, keep
the gate.—
Husband, I’ll dine above with you today,
And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.—
Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.—
Come, sister.—Dromio, play the porter well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (aside)
Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
Sleeping or waking? Mad or well advised?
Known unto these, and to myself disguised!
I’ll say as they say, and persever so,
And in this mist at all adventures go.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Master, shall I be porter at the gate ?
ADRIANA
Ay, and let none enter, lest I break your pate.
LUCIANA
Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.
Exeunt into the Phoenix⌉
3.1 Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, his man Dromio, Angelo the goldsmith, and Balthasar the merchant
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Good Signor Angelo, you must excuse us all.
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.
Say that I lingered with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,
And that tomorrow you will bring it home.—
But here’s a villain that would face me down
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
And that I did deny my wife and house.
Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know—II
That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to
show.
If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave
were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I think thou art an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Marry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick being kicked, and, being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You’re sad, Signor Balthasar. Pray God our cheer
May answer my good will, and your good welcome
here.
BALTHASAR
I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
O, Signor Balthasar, either at flesh or fish
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
BALTHASAR
Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words.
BALTHASAR
Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part.
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
But soft, my door is locked. (To Dromio) Go bid them let us in.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS (calling)
Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!
⌈⌈Enter Dromio of Syracuse within the Phoenix⌉
&nb
sp; DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (within the Phoenix)
Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch.
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (within)
Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Who talks within there ? Ho, open the door!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (within the Phoenix)
Right, sir, I’ll tell you when, an you’ll tell me wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Wherefore? For my dinner—I have not dined today.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (within the Phoenix)
Nor today here you must not. Come again when you may.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
What art thou that keep’st me out from the house I owe?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (within the Phoenix)
The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
O villain, thou hast stol’n both mine office and my name.
The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place,
Thou wouldst have changed thy pate for an aim, or
thy name for an ass.
Enter Nell within the Phoenix
NELL (within the Phoenix)
What a coil is there, Dromio? Who are those at the gate?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Let my master in, Nell.
NELL (within the Phoenix) Faith no, he comes too late;
And so tell your master.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS O Lord, I must laugh.
Have at you with a proverb: ‘Shall I set in my staff?’
NELL (within the Phoenix)
Have at you with another—that’s ‘When ? Can you tell?’
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (within the Phoenix)
If thy name be called Nell, Nell, thou hast answered him well. ⌈ ⌉
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS (to Nell)
Do you hear, you minion ? You’ll let us in, I hope ?
NELL (within the Phoenix)
I thought to have asked you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (within) And you said no.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
So, come help.
⌈He and Antipholus beat the door⌉
Well struck! There was blow for blow.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS (to Nell)
Thou baggage, let me in.
NELL (within the Phoenix) Can you tell for whose sake?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Master, knock the door hard.
NELL (within the Phoenix)
Let him knock till it ache.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.
NELL (within the Phoenix)
What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
Enter Adriana within the Phoenix
ADRIANA (within the Phoenix)
Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (within the Phoenix)
By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS (to Adriana)
Are you there, wife ? You might have come before.
ADRIANA (within the Phoenix)
Your wife, sir knave? Go, get you from the door.
Exit with Nell
DROMIO OF EPHESUS (to Antipholus)
If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.
ANGELO (to Antipholus)
Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome; we would fain have either.
BALTHASAR
In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS (to Antipholus)
They stand at the door, master. Bid them welcome hither.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
Your cake here is warm within: you stand here in the cold.
It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Go fetch me something. I’ll break ope the gate.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (within the Phoenix)
Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind;
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (within the Phoenix)
It seems thou want’st breaking. Out upon thee, hind!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Here’s too much ‘Out upon thee!’ I pray thee, let me in.
DROMIO or SYRACUSE (within the Phoenix)
Ay, when fowls have no feathers, and fish have no fin.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Well, I’ll break in.—Go borrow me a crow.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather.
(To Dromio of Syracuse)
If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Go, get thee gone. Fetch me an iron crow.
BALTHASAR
Have patience, sir. O, let it not be so!
Herein you war against your reputation,
And draw within the compass of suspect
Th’unviolated honour of your wife.
Once this: your long experience of her wisdom,
Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be ruled by me. Depart in patience,
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
And about evening come yourself alone
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made of it,
And that supposed by the common rout
Against your yet ungallèd estimation,
That may with foul intrusion enter in
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead.
For slander lives upon succession,
For ever housed where once it gets possession.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You have prevailed. I will depart in quiet,
And in despite of mirth mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,
Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle.
There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
My wife—but, I protest, without desert—
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal.
To her will we to dinner. (To Angelo) Get you home
And fetch the chain. By this, I know, ’tis made.
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porcupine,
For there’s the house. That chain will I bestow—
Be it for nothing but to spite my wife—
Upon mine hostess there. Good sir, make haste:
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.
ANGELO
I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Do so.
⌈Exit Angelo⌉
This jest shall cost me some expense.
Exeunt ⌈Dromio of Syracuse within the Phoenix, and the othe
rs into the Porcupine⌉
3.2 Enter ⌈from the Phoenix⌉ Luciana with Antipholus of Syracuse
LUCIANA
And may it be that you have quite forgot
A husband’s office? Shall, Antipholus,
Even in the spring of love thy love-springs rot?
Shall love, in building, grow so ruinous?
If you did wed my sister for her wealth,
Then for her wealth’s sake use her with more
kindness;
Or if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth:
Muffle your false love with some show of blindness.
Let not my sister read it in your eye.
Be not thy tongue thy own shame’s orator.
Look sweet, speak fair, become disloyalty;
Apparel vice like virtue’s harbinger.
Bear a fair presence, though your heart be tainted:
Teach sin the carriage of a holy saint.
Be secret-false. What need she be acquainted?
What simple thief brags of his own attaint?
‘Tis double wrong to truant with your bed,
And let her read it in thy looks at board.
Shame hath a bastard fame, well managed;
III deeds is doubled with an evil word.
Alas, poor women, make us but believe—
Being compact of credit—that you love us.
Though others have the arm, show us the sleeve.
We in your motion turn, and you may move us.
Then, gentle brother, get you in again.
Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife:
’Tis holy sport to be a little vain
When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Sweet mistress—what your name is else I know not,
Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine.
Less in your knowledge and your grace you show not
Than our earth’s wonder, more than earth divine.
Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak.
Lay open to my earthy gross conceit,
Smothered in errors, feeble, shallow, weak,
The folded meaning of your words’ deceit.
Against my soul’s pure truth why labour you
To make it wander in an unknown field?
Are you a god? Would you create me new?
Transform me, then, and to your power I’ll yield.
But if that I am I, then well I know
Your weeping sister is no wife of mine,
Nor to her bed no homage do I owe.
Far more, far more, to you do I decline.
O, train me not, sweet mermaid, with thy note
To drown me in thy sister’s flood of tears.
Sing, siren, for thyself, and I will dote.
Spread o’er the silver waves thy golden hairs,
The Oxford Shakespeare: The Complete Works Page 103
