A back-friend, a shoulder-clapper, one that countermands
The passages of alleys, creeks, and narrow launds;
A hound that runs counter, and yet draws dryfoot well;
One that before the Judgement carries poor souls to hell.
ADRIANA Why, man, what is the matter?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I do not know the matter, he is ’rested on the case.
ADRIANA
What, is he arrested? Tell me at whose suit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I know not at whose suit he is arrested well,
But is in a suit of buff which ’rested him, that can I tell.
Will you send him, mistress, redemption—the money in his desk?
ADRIANA
Go fetch it, sister.
Exit Luciana ⌈into the Phoenix⌉
This I wonder at,
That he unknown to me should be in debt.
Tell me, was he arrested on a bond?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Not on a bond but on a stronger thing:
A chain, a chain—do you not hear it ring?
ADRIANA
What, the chain?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, no, the bell. ‘Tis time that I were gone:
It was two ere I left him, and now the clock strikes one.
ADRIANA
The hours come back! That did I never hear.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
O yes, if any hour meet a sergeant, a turns back for very fear.
ADRIANA
As if time were in debt. How fondly dost thou reason!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Time is a very bankrupt, and owes more than he’s worth to season.
Nay, he’s a thief too. Have you not heard men say
That time comes stealing on by night and day?
If a be in debt and theft, and a sergeant in the way,
Hath he not reason to turn back an hour in a day?
Enter Luciana ⌈from the Phoenix⌉ with the money
ADRIANA
Go, Dromio, there’s the money. Bear it straight,
And bring thy master home immediately.
⌈Exit Dromiol⌉
Come, sister, I am pressed down with conceit:
Conceit, my comfort and my injury.
Exeunt ⌈into the Phoenix⌉
4.3 Enter Antipholus of Syracuse, wearing the chain
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
There’s not a man I meet but doth salute me
As if I were their well-acquainted friend,
And everyone doth call me by my name.
Some tender money to me, some invite me,
Some other give me thanks for kindnesses.
Some offer me commodities to buy.
Even now a tailor called me in his shop,
And showed me silks that he had bought for me,
And therewithal took measure of my body.
Sure, these are but imaginary wiles,
And Lapland sorcerers inhabit here.
Enter Dromio of Syracuse with the money
DROMIO or SYRACUSE Master, here’s the gold you sent me for. What, have you got redemption from the picture of old Adam new apparelled?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What gold is this? What Adam dost thou mean?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Not that Adam that kept the Paradise, but that Adam that keeps the prison—he that goes in the calf’s skin, that was killed for the Prodigal; he that came behind you, sir, like an evil angel, and bid you forsake your liberty.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I understand thee not.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No? Why, ‘tis a plain case: he that went like a bass viol in a case of leather; the man, sir, that when gentlemen are tired gives them a sob and ’rests them; he, sir, that takes pity on decayed men and gives them suits of durance; he that sets up his rest to do more exploits with his mace than a Moorish pike.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What, thou mean’st an officer?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Ay, sir, the sergeant of the band: he that brings any man to answer it that breaks his bond; one that thinks a man always going to bed, and says ‘God give you good rest.’
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Well, sir, there rest in your foolery. Is there any ships puts forth tonight? May we be gone?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Why, sir, I brought you word an hour since that the barque Expedition put forth tonight, and then were you hindered by the sergeant to tarry for the hoy Delay. Here are the angels that you sent for to deliver you. 41
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
The fellow is distraught, and so am I,
And here we wander in illusions.
Some blessed power deliver us from hence.
Enter a Courtesan ⌈from the Porcupine⌉
COURTESAN
Well met, well met, Master Antipholus.
I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now.
Is that the chain you promised me today?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Satan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, is this Mistress Satan? ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE It is the devil.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nay, she is worse, she is the devil’s dam; and here she comes in the habit of a light wench. And thereof comes that the wenches say ‘God damn me’—that’s as much to say, ‘God make me a light wench.’ It is written they appear to men like angels of light. Light is an effect of fire, and fire will burn. Ergo, light wenches will burn. Come not near her.
COURTESAN
Your man and you are marvellous merry, sir.
Will you go with me? We’ll mend our dinner here.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, if you do, expect spoon-meat, and bespeak a long spoon.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, he must have a long spoon that must eat with the devil.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (to Courtesan)
Avoid, thou fiend! What tell’st thou me of supping?
Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress.
I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.
COURTESAN
Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner,
Or for my diamond the chain you promised,
And I’ll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Some devils ask but the parings of one’s nail,
A rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin,
A nut, a cherry-stone;
But she, more covetous, would have a chain.
Master, be wise; an if you give it her,
The devil will shake her chain, and fright us with it.
COURTESAN (to Antipholus)
I pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain.
I hope you do not mean to cheat me so?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Avaunt, thou witch !—Come, Dromio, let us go.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
‘Fly pride’ says the peacock. Mistress, that you know.
Exeunt Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse
COURTESAN
Now, out of doubt, Antipholus is mad;
Else would he never so demean himself.
A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats,
And for the same he promised me a chain.
Both one and other he denies me now.
The reason that I gather he is mad,
Besides this present instance of his rage,
Is a mad tale he told today at dinner
Of his own doors being shut against his entrance.
Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits,
On purpose shut the doors against his way.
My way is now to hie home to his house,
And tell his wife that, being lunatic,
He rushed into my house, and took perforce
My ring away. This course I fittest choose,
For forty ducats is too much to lose. Exit
4.4 Enter Antipholus of Ephe
sus with the Officer
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Fear me not, man, I will not break away.
I’ll give thee ere I leave thee so much money
To warrant thee as I am ‘rested for.
My wife is in a wayward mood today,
And will not lightly trust the messenger
That I should be attached in Ephesus.
I tell you ’twill sound harshly in her ears.
Enter Dromio of Ephesus with a rope’s end
Here comes my man. I think he brings the money.—
How now, sir? Have you that I sent you for?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Here’s that, I warrant you, will pay them all.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS But where’s the money?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
I’ll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
To what end did I bid thee hie thee home?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS To a rope’s end, sir, and to that end
am I returned.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And to that end, sir, I will welcome you.
He beats Dromio
OFFICER Good sir, be patient.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, ’tis for me to be patient: I am in adversity. 21
OFFICER Good now, hold thy tongue.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou whoreson, senseless villain!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel your blows.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS I am an ass indeed. You may prove it by my long ears.—I have served him from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with beating. When I am warm, he cools me with beating. I am waked with it when I sleep, raised with it when I sit, driven out of doors with it when I go from home, welcomed home with it when I return. Nay, I bear it on my shoulders, as a beggar wont her brat, and I think when he hath lamed me I shall beg with it from door to door.
Enter Adriana, Luciana, Courtesan, and a schoolmaster called Pinch
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Come, go along: my wife is coming yonder.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS (to Adriana) Mistress, respice finem respect your end—or rather, to prophesy like the parrot, ‘Beware the rope’s end’.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Wilt thou still talk?
He beats Dromio
COURTESAN (to Adriana)
How say you now ? Is not your husband mad?
ADRIANA
His incivility confirms no less.—
Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer.
Establish him in his true sense again,
And I will please you what you will demand.
LUCIANA
Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!
COURTESAN
Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy.
PINCH (to Antipholus)
Give me your hand, and let me feel your pulse.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.
He strikes Pinch
PINCH
I charge thee, Satan, housed within this man,
To yield possession to my holy prayers,
And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight:
I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Peace, doting wizard, peace! I am not mad.
ADRIANA
O that thou wert not, poor distressed soul.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You minion, you, are these your customers?
Did this companion with the saffron face
Revel and feast it at my house today,
Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut,
And I denied to enter in my house?
ADRIANA
O husband, God doth know you dined at home,
Where would you had remained until this time,
Free from these slanders and this open shame.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Dined at home?
(To Dromio) Thou villain, what sayst thou?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Were not my doors locked up, and I shut out?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Pardie, your doors were locked, and you shut out.
ANTIPHOLIIS OF EPHESUS
And did not she herself revile me there?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Sans fable, she herself reviled you there.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Certes she did. The kitchen vestal scorned you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And did not I in rage depart from thence?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
In verity you did. My bones bears witness,
That since have felt the vigour of his rage.
ADRIANA (aside to Pinch)
Is’t good to soothe him in these contraries?
PINCH (aside to Adriana)
It is no shame. The fellow finds his vein,
And, yielding to him, humours well his frenzy.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS (to Adriana)
Thou hast suborned the goldsmith to arrest me.
ADRIANA
Alas, I sent you money to redeem you,
By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Money by me ? Heart and good will you might,
But surely, master, not a rag of money.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Went’st not thou to her for a purse of ducats?
ADRIANA
He came to me, and I delivered it.
LUCIANA
And I am witness with her that she did.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
God and the ropemaker bear me witness
That I was sent for nothing but a rope.
PINCH (aside to Adriana)
Mistress, both man and master is possessed.
I know it by their pale and deadly looks.
They must be bound and laid in some dark room.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS (to Adriana)
Say wherefore didst thou lock me forth today,
(To Dromio) And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?
ADRIANA
I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
And, gentle master, I received no gold.
But I confess, sir, that we were locked out.
ADRIANA
Dissembling villain, thou speak’st false in both.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all,
And art confederate with a damned pack
To make a loathsome abject scorn of me.
But with these nails I’ll pluck out those false eyes,
That would behold in me this shameful sport.
⌈He reaches for Adriana ; she shrieks.⌉ Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strives
ADRIANA
O, bind him, bind him. Let him not come near me.
PINCH
More company! The fiend is strong within him.
LUCIANA
Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
What, will you murder me?—Thou, jailer, thou,
I am thy prisoner. Wilt thou suffer them
To make a rescue?
OFFICER
Masters, let him go.
He is my prisoner, and
you shall not have him.
PINCH
Go, bind his man, for he is frantic too.
They bind Dromio
ADRIANA
What wilt thou do, thou peevish officer?
Hast thou delight to see a wretched man
Do outrage and displeasure to himself?
OFFICER
He is my prisoner. If I let him go,
The debt he owes will be required of me.
ADRIANA
I will discharge thee ere I go from thee.
Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,
And, knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.—
Good Master Doctor, see him safe conveyed
Home to my house. O most unhappy day!
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS O most unhappy strumpet!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Master, I am here entered in bond for you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Out on thee, villain! Wherefore dost thou mad me?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Will you be bound for nothing? Be mad, good master—
Cry, ‘The devil!’
LUCIANA
God help, poor souls, how idly do they talk!
ADRIANA
Go bear him hence. Sister, go you with me.
Exeunt ⌈into the Phoenix⌉, Pinch and others carrying off Antipholus of Ephesus and Dromio of Ephesus. The Officer, Adriana, Luciana, and the Courtesan remain
(To the Officer) Say now, whose suit is he arrested at?
OFFICER
One Angelo, a goldsmith. Do you know him?
ADRIANA
I know the man. What is the sum he owes?
OFFICER
Two hundred ducats.
ADRIANA
Say, how grows it due?
OFFICER
Due for a chain your husband had of him.
ADRIANA
He did bespeak a chain for me, but had it not.
COURTESAN
Whenas your husband all in rage today
Came to my house, and took away my ring—
The ring I saw upon his finger now—
Straight after did I meet him with a chain.
ADRIANA
It may be so, but I did never see it.
Come, jailer, bring me where the goldsmith is.
I long to know the truth hereof at large.
Enter Antipholus of Syracuse (wearing the chain) and Dromio of Syracuse with their rapiers drawn
The Oxford Shakespeare: The Complete Works Page 105
