MISTRESS QUICKLY Your worship says very true. I pray your worship come a little nearer this ways.
SIR JOHN I warrant thee nobody hears. Mine own people, mine own people.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Are they so? God bless them and make them His servants!
SIR JOHN Well, Mistress Ford: what of her?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, Lord, your worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray—
SIR JOHN Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, this is the short and the long of it. You have brought her into such a canaries as ’tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly, all musk; and so rustling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in such aligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman’s heart; and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty angels given me this morning—but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty. And, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all. And yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners. But, I warrant you, all is one with her.
SIR JOHN But what says she to me? Be brief, my good she-Mercury.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times, and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven.
SIR JOHN Ten and eleven.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth, and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads an ill life with him. He’s a very jealousy man. She leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.
SIR JOHN Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her. I will not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too; and, let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe’er be the other; and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man. Surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
SIR JOHN Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing on your heart for’t!
SIR JOHN But I pray thee tell me this: has Ford’s wife and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they love me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY O God no, sir; that were a jest indeed! They have not so little grace, I hope. That were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page of all loves. Her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; and, truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does. Do what she will; say what she will; take all, pay all; go to bed when she list; rise when she list; all is as she will. And, truly, she deserves it, for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page, no remedy.
SIR JOHN Why, I will.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Nay, but do so, then; and, look you, he may come and go between you both. And in any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy never need to understand anything—for ’tis not good that children should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
SIR JOHN Fare thee well. Commend me to them both. There’s my purse; I am yet thy debtor.—Boy, go along with this woman. Exeunt Mistress Quickly and Robin (Aside) This news distracts me.
PISTOL (aside)
This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers.
Clap on more sails! Pursue! Up with your sights!
Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
Exit
SIR JOHN Sayst thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways! I’ll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.
Enter Bardolph, ⌈with sack⌉
BARDOLPH Sir John, there’s one Master Brooke below would fain speak with you and be acquainted with you, and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.
SIR JOHN Brooke is his name?
BARDOLPH Ay, sir.
SIR JOHN Call him in. ⌈Drinking sack⌉ Such Brookes are welcome to me, that o’ehlows such liquor.
Exit Bardolph
Aha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I
encompassed you? ⌈Drinking⌉ Go to. Via!
Enter Bardolph, and Master Ford disguised as Brooke
FORD God bless you, sir.
SIR JOHN And you, sir. Would you speak with me?
FORD I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.
SIR JOHN You’re welcome. What’s your will? (To Bardolph) Give us leave, drawer. Exit Bardolph
FORD Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much. My name is Brooke.
SIR JOHN Good Master Brooke, I desire more acquaintance of you.
FORD Good Sir John, I sue for yours—not to charge you, for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are; the which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say if money go before, all ways do lie open.
SIR JOHN Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
FORD Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me. If you will help to bear it, Sir John, take half, or all, for easing me of the carriage.
SIR JOHN Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
FORD I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
SIR JOHN Speak, good Master Brooke. I shall be glad to be your servant.
FORD Sir, I hear you are a scholar—I will be brief with you—and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means as desire to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
SIR JOHN Very well, sir, proceed.
FORD There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband’s name is Ford.
SIR JOHN Well, sir.
FORD I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her, followed her with a doting observance, engrossed opportunities to meet her, fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given. Briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me, which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But, whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed I am sure I have received none, unless experience be a jewel. That I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this: ‘Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues, Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.’
SIR JOHN Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
FORD Never.
SIR JOHN Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
FORD Never.
SIR JOHN Of what quality was your love then?
FORD Like a fair house built on another man’s ground, so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.
SIR JOHN To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
FORD When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say th
at though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose. You are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many warlike, court-like, and learned preparations.
SIR JOHN O sir!
FORD Believe it, for you know it. There is money.
⌈He offers money⌉
Spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife. Use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you. If any man may, you may as soon as any.
SIR JOHN Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
FORD O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour that the folly of my soul dares not present itself. She is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves. I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand other her defences which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to’t, Sir John?
SIR JOHN Master Brooke, I will first make bold with your money.
⌈He takes the money⌉
Next, give me your hand.
He takes his hand
And last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.
FORD O, good sir!
SIR JOHN I say you shall.
FORD Want no money, Sir John, you shall want none.
SIR JOHN Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brooke, you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment. Even as you came in to me, her spokesmate, or go-between, parted from me. I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven, for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed.
FORD I am blessed in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?
SIR JOHN Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave, I know him not. Yet I wrong him to call him poor. They say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money, for the which his wife seems to me well favoured. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer, and there’s my harvest-home.
FORD I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.
SIR JOHN Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits. I will awe him with my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o’er the cuckold’s horns. Master Brooke, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style: thou, Master Brooke, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night. Exit
FORD What a damned epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at, and I shall not only receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! Names! ‘Amaimon’ sounds well, ‘Lucifer’ well, ‘Barbason’ well; yet they are devils’ additions, the names of fiends. But ‘cuckold’, ‘wittot’! ’Cuckold‘—the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass. He will trust his wife, he will not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself. Then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it. Better three hours too soon than a minute too late. God’s my life: cuckold, cuckold, cuckold! Exit
2.3 Enter Doctor Caius and John Rugby, with rapiers CAIUS Jack Rugby!
RUGBY Sir.
CAIUS Vat is the clock, Jack?
RUGBY ’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.
CAIUS By Gar, he has save his soul dat he is no come; he has pray his Pible well dat he is no come. By Gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already if he be come.
RUGBY He is wise, sir, he knew your worship would kill him if he came.
CAIUS ⌈drawing his rapier⌉ By Gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, Jack. I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
RUGBY Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
CAIUS Villainy, take your rapier.
RUGBY Forbear: here’s company.
⌈Caius sheathes his rapier.⌉
Enter the Host of the Garter, Justice Shallow,
Master Page, and Master Slender
HOST God bless thee, bully Doctor.
SHALLOW God save you, Master Doctor Caius.
PAGE Now, good Master Doctor.
SLENDER Give you good morrow, sir.
CAIUS Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
HOST To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse, to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully? What says my Aesculapius, my Galen, my heart of elder, ha? Is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead?
CAIUS By Gar, he is de coward jack-priest of de vorld. He is not show his face.
HOST Thou art a Castalian King Urinal, Hector of Greece, my boy.
CAIUS I pray you bear witness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
SHALLOW He is the wiser man, Master Doctor. He is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies. If you should fight you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, Master Page?
PAGE Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace.
SHALLOW Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of the peace, if I see a sword out my finger itches to make one. Though we are justices and doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us. We are the sons of women, Master Page.
PAGE ’Tis true, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW It will be found so, Master Page.—Master Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace. You have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, Master Doctor.
HOST Pardon, guest Justice. (To Caius) A word, Monsieur Mockwater.
CAIUS Mockvater? Vat is dat?
HOST Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
CAIUS By Gar, then I have as much mockvater as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! By Gar, me vill cut his ears.
HOST He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
CAIUS Clapper-de-claw? Vat is dat?
HOST That is, he will make thee amends.
CAIUS By Gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me, for, by Gar, me vill have it.
HOST And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.
CAIUS Me tank you for dat.
HOST And moreover, bully—(Aside to the others) But first, master guest and Master Page, and eke Cavaliero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore.
PAGE Sir Hugh is there, is he?
HOST He is there. See what humour he is in, and I will bring the Doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
SHALLOW We will do it.
⌈PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER⌉ Adieu, good Master Doctor.
Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender
CAIUS ⌈drawing his rapier⌉ By Gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak for a jackanape to Anne Page.
HOS
T Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me through Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried game? Said I well?
CAIUS ⌈sheathing his rapier⌉ By Gar, me dank you vor dat. By Gar, I love you, and I shall procure-a you de good guest: de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patiences.
HOST For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne Page. Said I well?
CAIUS By Gar, ’tis good. Vell said.
HOST Let us wag, then.
CAIUS Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. Exeunt
3.1 Enter Sir Hugh Evans ⌈with a rapier, and bearing a book⌉ and Simple ⌈bearing Evans’s gown⌉
EVANS I pray you now, good Master Slender’s servingman, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself Doctor of Physic?
SIMPLE Marry, sir, the Petty Ward, the Park Ward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.
EVANS I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way.
SIMPLE I will, sir. Exit⌉
EVANS ⌈opening the book⌉ Jeshu pless me, how full of cholers I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good opportunities for the ’ork. Pless my soul!—(Singing)
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals.
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow—
Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.—(Singing)
Melodious birds sing madrigals.—
When as I sat in Pabylon—
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow (etc.)
⌈Enter Simple⌉
SIMPLE Yonder he is coming. This way, Sir Hugh.
EVANS He’s welcome.
The Oxford Shakespeare: The Complete Works Page 173
