FIRST OFFICER This is the man, do thy office.
SECOND OFFICER Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.
ANTONIO You do mistake me, sir.
FIRST OFFICER
No, sir, no jot. I know your favour well,
Though now you have no seacap on your head.
(To Second Officer) Take him away, he knows I know
him well.
ANTONIO
I must obey. (To Viola) This comes with seeking you.
But there’s no remedy, I shall answer it.
What will you do now my necessity
Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me
Much more for what I cannot do for you
Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed,
But be of comfort.
SECOND OFFICER Come, sir, away.
ANTONIO (to Viola)
I must entreat of you some of that money.
VIOLA What money, sir?
For the fair kindness you have showed me here,
And part being prompted by your present trouble,
Out of my lean and low ability
I’ll lend you something. My having is not much.
I’ll make division of my present with you.
Hold, (offering money) there’s half my coffer.
ANTONIO
Will you deny me now?
Is’t possible that my deserts to you
Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
Lest that it make me so unsound a man
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
That I have done for you.
VIOLA
I know of none,
Nor know I you by voice, or any feature.
I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than lying, vainness, babbling drunkenness,
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.
ANTONIO
O heavens themselves!
SECOND OFFICER Come, sir, I pray you go.
ANTONIO
Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here
I snatched one half out of the jaws of death,
Relieved him with such sanctity of love,
And to his image, which methought did promise
Most venerable worth, did I devotion.
FIRST OFFICER
What’s that to us? The time goes by, away.
ANTONIO
But O, how vile an idol proves this god!
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
In nature there’s no blemish but the mind.
None can be called deformed but the unkind.
Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil
Are empty trunks o’er-flourished by the devil.
FIRST OFFICER
The man grows mad, away with him. Come, come, sir.
ANTONIO Lead me on.
Exit with Officers
VIOLA (aside)
Methinks his words do from such passion fly
That he believes himself. So do not I.
Prove true, imagination, O prove true,
That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you!
SIR TOBY Come hither, knight. Come hither, Fabian. We’ll whisper o’er a couplet or two of most sage saws.
They stand aside
VIOLA
He named Sebastian. I my brother know
Yet living in my glass. Even such and so
In favour was my brother, and he went
Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
For him I imitate. O, if it prove,
Tempests are kind, and salt waves fresh in love! Exit
SIR TOBY (to Sir Andrew) A very dishonest, paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare. His dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity, and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.
FABIAN A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.
SIR ANDREW ’Slid, I’ll after him again, and beat him.
SIR TOBY Do, cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.
SIR ANDREW An I do not—
Exit
FABIAN Come, let’s see the event.
SIR TOBY I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet.
Exeunt
4.1 Enter Sebastian and Feste, the clown
FESTE Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?
SEBASTIAN
Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow,
Let me be clear of thee.
FESTE Well held out, i’faith! No, I do not know you, nor I am not sent to you by my lady to bid you come speak with her, nor your name is not Master Cesario, nor this is not my nose, neither. Nothing that is so, is so.
SEBASTIAN
I prithee vent thy folly somewhere else,
Thou know’st not me.
FESTE Vent my folly! He has heard that word of some great man, and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly—I am afraid this great lubber the world will prove a cockney. I prithee now ungird thy strangeness, and tell me what I shall ‘vent’ to my lady? Shall I ‘vent’ to her that thou art coming?
SEBASTIAN
I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me.
There’s money for thee. If you tarry longer
I shall give worse payment.
FESTE By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report, after fourteen years’ purchase.
Enter Sir Andrew, Sir Toby, and Fabian
SIR ANDREW (to Sebastian) Now, sir, have I met you again?
(Striking him) There’s for you.
SEBASTIAN [striking Sir Andrew with his dagger]
Why, there’s for thee, and there, and there.
Are all the people mad?
SIR TOBY (to Sebastian, holding him back) Hold, sir, or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the house.
FESTE This will I tell my lady straight, I would not be in some of your coats for twopence. Exit
SIR TOBY Come on, sir, hold.
SIR ANDREW Nay, let him alone, I’ll go another way to work with him. I’ll have an action of battery against him if there be any law in Illyria. Though I struck him first, yet it’s no matter for that.
SEBASTIAN Let go thy hand.
SIR TOBY Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron. You are well fleshed. Come on.
SEBASTIAN (freeing himself)
I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now?
If thou dar’st tempt me further, draw thy sword.
SIR TOBY What, what? Nay then, I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you.
Sir Toby and Sebastian draw their swords.
Enter Olivia
OLIVIA
Hold, Toby, on thy life I charge thee hold.
SIR TOBY Madam.
OLIVIA
Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,
Where manners ne’er were preached—out of my sight! Be not offended, dear Cesario.
(To Sir Toby) Rudesby, be gone.
Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian
I prithee, gentle friend,
Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion sway
In this uncivil and unjust extent
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks
This ruffian hath botched up, that thou thereby
Mayst smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go.
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,
He started one poor heart of mine in thee.
SEBASTIAN
What relish is in this? How runs the stream?
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream.
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep.
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep.
OLIVIA
Nay, come, I prithee, would thou’dst be rul
ed by me.
SEBASTIAN
Madam, I will.
OLIVIA
O, say so, and so be.
Exeunt
4.2 Enter Maria carrying a gown and false beard, and Feste, the clown
MARIA Nay, I prithee put on this gown and this beard, make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst. Exit
FESTE Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown.
He disguises himself
I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said ‘an honest man and a good housekeeper’ goes as fairly as to say ‘a careful man and a great scholar’. The competitors enter.
Enter Sir Toby and Maria
SIR TOBY Jove bless thee, Master Parson.
FESTE Bonos dies, Sir Toby, for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is, is.’ So I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is ‘that’ but ‘that’, and ‘is’ but ‘is’?
SIR TOBY To him, Sir Topas.
FESTE What ho, I say, peace in this prison.
SIR TOBY The knave counterfeits well—a good knave.
Malvolio within
MALVOLIO Who calls there?
FESTE Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
FESTE Out, hyperbolical fiend, how vexest thou this man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
SIR TOBY Well said, Master Parson.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.
FESTE Fie, thou dishonest Satan—I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayst thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas.
FESTE Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony, and yet complainest thou of obstruction?
MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas; I say to you this house is dark.
FESTE Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.
FESTE What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?
MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
FESTE What thinkest thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
FESTE Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold th’opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY My most exquisite Sir Topas.
FESTE Nay, I am for all waters.
MARIA Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown, he sees thee not.
SIR TOBY (to Feste) To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. ⌈To Maria⌉ Come by and by to my chamber.
Exit ⌈With Maria⌉
FESTE (sings)‘Hey Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.’
MALVOLIO Fool!
FESTE ‘My lady is unkind, pardie.’
MALVOLIO Fooll
FESTE ‘Alas, why is she so?’
MALVOLIO Fool, I say!
FESTE ‘She loves another.’
Who calls, ha?
MALVOLIO Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.
FESTE Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO Ay, good fool.
FESTE Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
MALVOLIO Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused. I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
FESTE But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.
MALVOLIO They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.
FESTE Advise you what you say, the minister is here. (As Sir Topas) Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore. Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas.
FESTE (as Sir Topas) Maintain no words with him, good fellow. (As himself) Who I, sir? Not I, sir. God b’wi’ you, good Sir Topas. (As Sir Topas) Marry, amen. (As himself) I will, sir, I will.
MALVOLIO Fool, fool, fool, I say.
FESTE Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to you.
MALVOLIO Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. no
FESTE Well-a-day that you were, sir.
MALVOLIO By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.
FESTE I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed, or do you but counterfeit?
MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not, I tell thee true.
FESTE Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains.
I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.
MALVOLIO Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee, be gone.
FESTE
I am gone, sir,
And anon, sir,
I’ll be with you again,
In a trice,
Like to the old Vice,
Your need to sustain,
Who with dagger of lath
In his rage and his wrath
Cries ‘Aha,’ to the devil,
Like a mad lad,
‘Pare thy nails, dad,
Adieu, goodman devil.’ Exit
4.3 Enter Sebastian
SEBASTIAN
This is the air, that is the glorious sun.
This pearl she gave me, I do feel’t and see‘t,
And though ’tis wonder that enwraps me thus,
Yet ‘tis not madness. Where’s Antonio then?
I could not find him at the Elephant,
Yet there he was, and there I found this credit,
That he did range the town to seek me out.
His counsel now might do me golden service,
For though my soul disputes well with my sense
That this may be some error but no madness,
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune
So far exceed all instance, all discourse,
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes
And wrangle with my reason that persuades me
To any other trust but that I am mad,
Or else the lady’s mad. Yet if ’twere so
She could not sway her house, command her
followers,
Take and give back affairs and their dispatch
With such a smooth, discreet, and stable bearing
As I perceive she does. There’s something in’t
That is deceivable. But here the lady comes.
Enter Olivia and a Priest
OLIVIA
Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well
Now go with me, and with this holy man,
Into the chantry by. There before him,
And underneath that consecrated roof,
Plight me th
e full assurance of your faith,
That my most jealous and too doubtful soul
May live at peace. He shall conceal it
Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,
What time we will our celebration keep
According to my birth. What do you say?
SEBASTIAN
I’ll follow this good man, and go with you,
And having sworn truth, ever will be true.
OLIVIA
Then lead the way, good father, and heavens so shine
That they may fairly note this act of mine.
Exeunt
5.1 Enter Feste the clown and Fabian
FABIAN Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.
FESTE Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.
FABIAN Anything.
FESTE Do not desire to see this letter.
FABIAN This is to give a dog, and in recompense desire my dog again.
Enter the Duke, Viola as Cesario, Curio, and lords
ORSINO
Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?
FESTE Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.
ORSINO
I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow? FESTE Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.
ORSINO
Just the contrary—the better for thy friends.
FESTE No, sir, the worse.
ORSINO How can that be?
FESTE Marry, sir, they praise me, and make an ass of me. Now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass, so that by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am abused; so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives, why then the worse for my friends and the better for my foes.
ORSINO Why, this is excellent.
FESTE By my troth, sir, no, though it please you to be one of my friends.
ORSINO (giving money) Thou shalt not be the worse for me. There’s gold.
FESTE But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it another.
ORSINO O, you give me ill counsel.
FESTE Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it.
ORSINO Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer. (Giving money) There’s another.
The Oxford Shakespeare: The Complete Works Page 241
