by Shar Dimick
Chapter Six
For the first time in months, Liv fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. The restless tossing and turning she’d struggled with night after night suddenly disappeared as quickly as it came and she slept soundly through the night. Sunlight flooded in through her eastern-facing window and spilled over her. Liv rolled over and sighed. The clock on the dresser read 6:09 AM. Smiling, her first thoughts were of Cam. Seeing him the night before brought all the old feelings she had for him rushing back. He really hadn’t changed much. Sure he’d gotten older, but so had she. Age only made him more attractive. His sense of humor, his kindness and compassion for others, his ability to look at her and know what she was thinking, none of the traits that she loved about him then, had changed. She knew she could easily fall in love with him all over again. She was half in love with him again now. She could tell he was attracted to her, yet he resisted. I know he wanted to kiss me last night. I didn’t just imagine it, did I? He must be involved with someone, she thought.
Unable to sleep any longer, she quietly got up and pulled on a pair of blue jogging shorts and an orange tank top. She pulled her long, brown hair into a loose knot on the top of her head. She looked in the mirror as she brushed her teeth. Frowning, she barely recognized the woman looking back at her. Who am I? Liv wondered how she’d gotten to this point in her life. Somehow in the almost eight years she was married to Ron she’d lost the sense of who she was. Ron. Why did he always have to creep back into her mind, making her feel so small and worthless? Stop. You’re not going to do this to yourself today. Take a deep breath. She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. That’s it. No self-pity. Concentrate on what you can control, not what you can’t. She rounded the corner of the living room and stood in front of her favorite window. The lake below was perfectly flat. It was still too early for the skiers and tubers.
She found her purse on the table where she’d left it the night before. She checked her phone to see if she had any messages. She had one text message. Her heart jumped. It was from Cam, letting her know he’d had a good time the night before. “Me too,” she touch-typed and pressed send. Then silently hoped he’d call her later. If he didn’t, maybe she would call him. Gone were the days she was going to sit back and wait. The new Liv is going to take charge of her life, she thought. Courage and determination would be her new mantra.
Quiet whimpering from the kitchen grew louder and more persistent, causing her to turn away from her thoughts. Pup-Pup was awake. Liv opened her mouth to call to her daughter, but decided against it. Sara needed to sleep and Liv needed some solitude to think. She sat on the wooden chair by the door as she pulled on her socks and laced up her hiking boots. She scrawled a note to her grandmother letting her know that she was taking the puppy for a hike. She propped it on the table so Hannah would see it when she woke up.
She grabbed a bottle of cold water from the fridge. Twisting off the top, she took a deep, refreshing drink. It tasted so good. She looked around the kitchen for a piece of fruit. She found a bowl of red and green apples on the side-bar. Grandma never failed her. She took a bite from one as she searched for Pup-Pup’s leash. Humming to herself, she couldn’t believe that she was actually hungry in the morning. Normally her stomach wouldn’t let her eat until well after noon.
A few minutes later she found the puppy’s leash draped over the railing of the back porch. She snapped it onto the dog’s matching pink collar and headed out the door toward the main road and the path that looped around the backside of the lake to the scenic lookout. She and Cam had walked the trail hundreds of times before. In fact, up until a few days ago, the last time she’d spoken to him was at the top of the Big Loop trail. A few feet ahead she saw the familiar brown sign with the bright yellow lettering indicating an entrance to the trail.
“There it is,” she said to Pup-Pup. The small bundle of energy trotted alongside her, stopping every couple of minutes to water the grass. “Come on! Let’s go.”
The path was steeper than she remembered it. She stumbled over a rock that’d fallen in the path and twisted her ankle again. Thankfully, she didn’t fall, but her ankle throbbed. She bit back tears as she sat in the middle of the path and started to unlace her boot. Pup-Pup immediately jumped into Liv’s lap and started licking her face. Liv laughed and pushed the eager puppy down.
“Stop,” she laughed and pushed Pup-Pup off again. The puppy circled Liv, tangling herself up in the leash before she made it back into Liv’s lap. “Okay, I get it. You want some love.” Liv scratched the puppy behind the ears. After a few minutes, she re-tied her boot and slowly stood. The initial pain had subsided. Liv brushed the sand and leaves off the back of her shorts and took a few tentative steps. Her ankle was a little sore, but at least it wasn’t sprained. She could walk on it. Pup-Pup sat patiently by, wagging her tail every few minutes and looking up at Liv expectantly. She was ready to continue up the trail. “Okay, girl, I’m ready now. Let’s go.” Pup-Pup barked and trotted ahead of Liv, pulling at her leash.
By the time they reached the half-way mark of the 10k trail, Liv was glistening with perspiration. She wiped the sweat from her eyes with the back of her hand. She took a long swig of water and offered some to Pup-Pup, who eagerly lapped the falling water. She screwed the top back on and replaced it in the purple neoprene bottle holder she wore across her body. An old wooden bench sat off to the side of the path overlooking the lake. She looped the leash around a nearby sapling and sat down. The puppy turned around three times, stretched herself out and rested her head on her front paws. Liv smiled at the little pup’s ritual and laughed out loud.
“You’re tired too, aren’t ya girl?”
The puppy picked her head up and cocked it toward Liv as if to say, “Duh! Of course I’m tired. We’ve been walking all day.”
“It must seem like all day to you, huh. Your little legs have to take five steps to my one. Don’t worry, if you get too tired, I’ll carry you home.” Liv wasn’t too worried that she’d have to carry the little dog back. She also had about five times the amount of energy Liv did. Looking around her, Liv sat back onto the bench, closed her eyes and let her mind go blank. She lifted her face upward to feel the warm sunlight against her skin. She listened to the birds singing and the wind blowing through the old growth white pines. She took in a deep breath and noticed the smell of fresh pine. It was so relaxing. She wished she could stay in that moment of peaceful calmness forever. Behind her she heard a twig snap. Immediately her adrenaline began to pump. She wasn’t alone. Liv quickly turned her head to look and, loping up the trail, was Cam.
The last time she’d seen him coming up that very trail towards her was the summer before her senior year of high school. She was seventeen and so naive. She’d crossed the days off her calendar as she counted down until the day she’d return to Lake of the Pines and to Cam. She was determined to tell him how she felt about him; that she was in love with him, only she hadn’t found the right time. The summer was winding down and self-doubt continued to plague her. Every time she tried to tell him, they were interrupted or she lost her confidence. She’d be going back home in a few days and her fear of rejection and losing his friendship completely was winning out. She didn’t know when she would be back to Lake of the Pines again. She knew she might not see him again for a long time.
She sat on the bench at the top of the Big Loop trail and fought back her tears. Just do it. She told herself. What do you have to lose? She stood to head back, to find him, when she heard footsteps coming up the path toward her. It was Cam. He smiled and waved at her. She walked toward him, forcing herself to smile. She didn’t want him to see her crying.
“Hey, you, have you been crying?”
“No.” She lied, looking down toward her feet. She leaned against one of the large boulders that lined the side of the trail. Her tongue was thick and she didn’t know what to say.
“Liar, tell me what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on.
It’s something. I know you.” He lifted her chin and searched her eyes for an answer. “Is it something I did?” He asked concern filling his voice.
“No, no. It’s just, just that, I’m going home soon, and, and…” She stammered. He leaned in toward her as if he might kiss her. No, that can’t be right, she thought. He just feels sorry for me. She glanced away and then back to him. He was still looking at her mouth and had placed one hand on the boulder above her head. Hope started to rise inside her as he leaned in toward her. She tilted her mouth upward slightly.
“It’s okay,” he whispered. Their mouths inches apart. “I…”
At that moment, they both heard laughter coming up the path. It was Cam’s older brother, Brad, and his girlfriend, Leah. Cam immediately backed away from her and faced his brother with the same scowl Liv remembered from the first time they met.
“Oops! Sorry!” Brad teased. “We didn’t mean to intrude on you two love birds.” He made a kissing sound in the air.
“Stop it Brad. Knock it off,” Cam barked. He balled his hand into a fist and looked ready to take his brother down.
Liv could feel herself turning red. Cam didn’t want to be more than friends. He was embarrassed that his brother thought they were more. She suddenly found her voice to let him off the hook.
“Come on Brad. You know that Cam and I are just friends,” she emphasized the “just friends” part.
Cam looked back at her. Was that confusion mixed with hurt in his eyes? No. She dismissed the thought as quickly as it entered her mind.
“Yeah Brad, we are definitely just friends.” Cam concurred, but he seemed upset.
“Okay, okay. Whatever you two say,” Brad said as he and Leah disappeared around the bend in the trail.
The moment broken, Liv and Cam silently headed back. He seemed distant and somehow angry with her, but she didn’t know why or what she’d done wrong. A few days later, Liv went home. The following summer she started college, and not much longer after that she’d met Ron.
“Hey, you,” Cam said interrupting her thoughts. He stopped by the big boulder and smiled at her.
God, he looked good. Liv watched his muscles ripple through the black running shirt he was wearing as he lifted his water bottle to his lips to take a drink. Suddenly self-conscious, she stood and went to untie Pup-Pup.
“Wait, don’t go yet.” Cam stopped her. “Sit down and relax. Enjoy the morning.”
Liv sat back down on the bench and Cam sat next to her. He remembered his brother asking him if she wore a wedding ring. He glanced at her hands and noticed her fingers were bare. It doesn’t mean anything, he thought. She probably left her rings on the dresser when she was getting ready to go out.
Liv realized she hadn’t spoken to Cam yet. “I’m sorry, Cam. I’m kind of out of it this morning.” Seeing him, her doubts had managed to edge out her earlier courage and determination. What was she doing? She shouldn’t even be thinking about getting involved with Cam. Her life was a mess. Not to mention, a man as attractive and intelligent as he was had to be attached.
“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”
“Funny, Cam.” Laughter caught in her throat.
“Is the anxiety back? I really am a good listener if you want to talk.”
“I know you are. It’s just that my life is so confused right now.”
“Everyone gets confused now and then. I know you’ll figure out what you need in the end. You’re a smart woman.”
“Yeah, it’s just sometimes I wish there were do-overs in life. The decisions I’ve made haven’t been the greatest. And now with the panic back, I wonder… I just wish I could be more like you.”
“Why?”
“Why? You’re so confident and sure of yourself. You’re a successful doctor and…”
“Things aren’t always as they seem. I don’t always feel confident or sure, and who said I’m successful?”
“How could you be anything but successful Cam?”
“It’s not a competition, Livvy. You have a beautiful, intelligent daughter who adores you. You have a family who loves you; that’s the ultimate success. Besides, you also have a great friend like me.” He continued trying to make her smile.
Friend. There’s that word again. “You’re right. I really don’t have anything to complain about.”
“I don’t want to be right. Everyone has a right to complain now and then. I just don’t want you to be down on yourself. So what’s got you confused? Maybe I can help.”
She didn’t say anything. Cam waited in silence and let her be with her own thoughts.
“It’s just that ever since the divorce…”
“Divorce?” A slow smile curved upward into Cam’s eyes. She wasn’t married.
“Don’t sound so happy about it!”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to. So is that it? You’re still in love with your ex-husband?”
“God, no! Even though the divorce has only been final for six months, it’s been over between us for years...At least for me it was.”
“I’m sorry about that too, Liv. That must’ve been hard for you.”
“It was. We never should’ve gotten married, but I was pregnant with Sara and Ron insisted we get married right away. He thought it was important that Sara grow up with both parents. I’d already started to question my feelings about him, but I brushed them aside. I so wanted to do what was best for the baby.”
“I can understand that. I wouldn’t expect less from you Liv. You were really young and thought you were doing the right thing I’m sure.”
“I really did think I was doing the right thing for Sara. That’s why I stayed in the marriage for so long. I can’t have any regrets. I have Sara. Besides, it wasn’t all bad. Things were good for Ron and me in the beginning. When we first met, he swept me off my feet. I couldn’t get enough of him - I guess that’s obvious since I got pregnant - but the feeling was mutual. We were so into each other. And then, I don’t know...things changed. I’m not sure what went wrong or what I did…” Her voice trailed off. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to go on about my ex-husband.”
“I don’t mind Livvy. I really don’t. I want to hear about your life. I want to hear about your hopes and dreams. I want to hear about you. What I don’t understand is if you don’t love him then why are you confused?”
“It’s just that sometimes I wonder if I deserve to be happy. I wonder if I was being too selfish by leaving. I wonder if I tried hard enough to be a good wife. Did I put my own needs and happiness above my daughter’s? Am I a bad mother for making her shuttle between homes? God, I’m a divorcee. I always thought marriage would be forever. But it got to the point where staying was worse than leaving. But now I just don’t know if I can do it alone, especially when I seem to be on the edge of sanity half the time.”
“Stop talking like that right now!" Cam raised his voice.
Liv was startled. She shook her head. “It’s true. I know it’s all in my head. If only I could just stop worrying about every little thing. Ron was right. I am crazy. ”
“That is ignorance on his part. You’re no more insane than I am! Lots of people have anxiety attacks. You just happen to be one of the unlucky ones whose emotional side takes longer to catch up with your logical side. Who wouldn’t have anxiety and panic after going through a divorce? You were fine last night, you’ll be good today, and you’ll be even better tomorrow. You’re perfectly normal.”
“You really think so?” Tears welled in her eyes and she swallowed hard to keep herself from crying.
“I know so.” Cam smiled at her and took her hand in his. “Let me ask you something. Were you happy in your marriage?”
“No. I was miserable. Somewhere along the line, I just couldn’t please him anymore. It seemed like no matter what I did, he could find something wrong with it. The more I tried to please him, the more it seemed I disappointed him. He’d get angry over the littlest things and then he would shut me out. The more I gave him, the more he wanted. Yet,
it felt like he wasn’t giving me anything back. I was just a convenience for him. Pretty soon, I was empty. I just didn’t have anything left to give. That’s when I found out there was another woman—actually more than one. We tried counseling, but somehow everything got turned around to be my fault. I just couldn’t take being such a failure anymore. I had to get out. I didn’t want Sara to think that was how marriage was supposed to be. I didn’t want her to think our dysfunction was normal and end up in a relationship like mine.”
“You did the right thing. Staying wouldn’t have been good for Sara or you either. It takes two people to build a good relationship. It sounds like you did everything you could to make it work and more. Don’t take all the blame on yourself. Just because your marriage failed, doesn’t mean you’re a failure. You can do anything you want alone or otherwise. It sounds like your ex-husband is the mental case.”
Liv laughed out loud then. “Yeah, maybe he is. Thanks, Cam. I appreciate you listening to me. I really do feel better now. I miss talking to you. I miss you. I didn’t realize how much until I saw you again.” She studied his face for a moment. “Enough about me, though.” She had to know if he was involved with someone else. She had to ask the question she’d been afraid to ask the night before. “So are you seeing anyone special? Are you married?”
“No.” Cam grew serious then. “I never got married. I’ve had a couple of girlfriends over the years, but nothing really serious. I was busy with medical school, and then residency and my practice. But mostly it was because there was this girl I couldn’t seem to get out of my head. I couldn’t help comparing everyone else to her. I was, am really crazy about her, but it turned out she only wanted to be friends.” Cam dropped her hand then and walked over to the boulders. He didn’t feel confident or sure at the moment.
