by Amber Garza
Grabbing my face she says, “Don’t you ever say that, okay? It’s not your job to help me, Tripp. It's my job to help you, to protect you. You and your brother. I’ve messed up, but I’m going to make it better.”
I furrow my brows. The TV clicks on downstairs. Both of our heads turn in the direction of it. Then Mom smiles at me, her face softening in a way I haven’t seen in a long time.
“I like Hadley,” she says. “She’s sweet, and I can tell she really cares about you.” With that she stands up and glides out of the room.
I wonder what she means about making things better. What is she going to do?
My cell phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out.
Hadley: When do I get my surprise?
I stare at the torn scraps of paper in my hand. Hadley’s features are jumbled in my palm. There’s no way I can give this to her now even if I tape it up like Mom suggested it. Defeat and sadness blanket me.
Me: It was nothing. Sorry for getting your hopes up.
Hadley: R u still coming over?
Me: Not tonight. I’ll c u 2morrow, ok?
Hadley: OK.
With a groan, I drop the phone on the ground. Hadley deserves someone so much better than me. She doesn’t need to be pulled into this freakshow, that’s for sure. But I can’t let her go. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve had hope. She’s the first person I’ve felt safe with.
What am I going to do?
TWENTY-SEVEN
HADLEY
I hunch over the cafeteria table and force another bite of my sandwich, even though my stomach is tangled in a thousand tiny knots. It hurts to even breathe. I miss Tripp. I mean, sure he’s sitting right next to me, but he’s so distant today. It’s like he’s a million miles away and I can’t reach him. He’s clearly wrestling with something. I just wish he trusted me enough to let me in on it. Ever since his cryptic text last night about the surprise that never was, I can’t shake the feeling that something awful is going to happen.
The cafeteria is even louder than usual and is bustling with excitement. A few of the cheerleaders hang posters about the upcoming winter dance. Normally this would irritate me, but now I find myself pondering the possibility. Will this be the first dance I actually attend? Butterflies attack my insides at the thought.
Setting down my sandwich, I turn to Tripp. “So, the winter dance is coming up.”
“Ugh. Another dance,” Paige moans from across the table. “Don’t these people have anything better to do?”
I throw her a glare, and then look back at Tripp. “I guess they’re doing a winter wonderland theme this year. It could be fun.”
Tripp’s head cranes in my direction, his brows knit together. “I thought you hate dances.”
“Oh.” The air leaves me. “Yeah, of course. I was just being sarcastic, that’s all.”
“Yeah, Hads is the queen of sarcasm.” Paige smiles. “She gets it from me.”
Is she really this clueless or is she just trying to save me some embarrassment? When she flashes me a subtle wink, I realize it’s the latter. I’m grateful for her help, but I still feel sick from Tripp’s statement. Maybe I never should’ve told him I hated dances. How will I ever explain that I now want to go? More importantly, does he even want to go with me? I can’t tell. He’s so hard to read lately.
“Hey.” I nudge him gently. “You okay?”
“I am now that I’m with you.” His arm snakes around my waist. I move closer to him, resting my head against his shoulder. “I’m sorry about last night, Hadley. It was just kind of a rough day.”
I nod. “It’s fine.” But inside I wonder why every time he has a bad day he pushes me away. If I really make him feel better, why doesn’t he reach out to me when things are tough?
His fingers run up my arm, causing all thoughts of doubt to fly away with each gentle stroke. Then he stiffens, concerning me. Mav walks past us, flanked by his other friends. He’s glaring hard in our direction. But that’s not what startles me. It’s the fact that his face is bruised and swollen. Tripp doesn’t look at his friend. He stares at the wall across the room, a vacant look in his eyes. Alarm bells ring out inside my head. Once Mav is out of sight, I peer up at Tripp.
“What happened to his face?”
“Nothing.” Tripp pushes me away. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.”
Before I can question him, he races from the room. I stare after him, my mouth gaping. What just happened?
“What’s eating him?” Paige takes a bite out of her apple. It snaps loudly between her teeth.
“I don’t know. I’m really worried about him, Paige.” I shove my sandwich back into my lunch bag, certain that I won’t be able to eat another bite. The only positive thing about all this worrying is that maybe I’ll lose some weight.
“He’s a big boy, Hads. He can take care of himself.” Paige chomps down on her apple again as if she hasn’t a care in the world. Maybe having a boyfriend isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. My life was simpler before.
Catching sight of Mav’s battered face again, I nod my head in his direction. “Paige, do you think Tripp had anything to do with that?”
Paige swivels her neck around and then hoots. “I hope so. That’d be awesome.”
“Paige,” I admonish her.
“I’m serious. That guy’s a total dickwad. He deserved it.”
“But he’s Tripp’s best friend. You don’t think they really got in a fight, do you?” I avert my gaze, unable to look at Mav’s face any longer.
Paige shrugs. “I don’t think he’s much of a best friend. Have you seen him around at all?”
I shake my head. “No, I guess not.” Only that doesn’t make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse. If all of Tripp’s friends turn on him, how long will it be before he starts resenting me?
The bell rings, cutting into my thoughts. Paige gathers up her wrappers and picks up her backpack. I drop my lunch bag, which is still full, into my backpack and then fling it over my shoulder. Students zip around us, all flying in opposite directions.
“See you afterschool,” Paige says before taking off.
“Ok.” I turn around, walking with my head down as I head for the door. I feel exposed and alone. Tripp should be walking with me. Our classes are right next to each other. But I have no idea where he went. I shove through the crowd of students, an array of smells assaulting me all at once. Finally I make it into the hallway. I round the corner, and then my breath hitches in my throat. Tripp is leaning over Sonya who is pressed against her locker. He says something to her, and she giggles. My body numbs, and I feel dangerously close to puking. He can’t talk to me, but he can talk to her?
Sweat covers my body and I can feel tears gathering in my eyes. Blinking them back, I turn around needing to get away. A wall of students are blocking my path, and panic rises in me, stifling my breath. Did he even really care about me at all? My mind replays all of the words he spoke to me, all of the promises. Surely that wasn’t all an act.
As I barrel my way through shoulders and backpacks, I worry that my worst fear is coming true. The minute Tripp got me he didn’t want me anymore. It was the precise thing I had been afraid of. Sadness is replaced by anger. He promised me this wouldn’t happen. He made me trust him. And it was all lies just to get what he wanted. My lips burn from where his mouth covered mine. It was the best first kiss ever, but now all I’ll feel is pain when I remember it.
“Hey,” a familiar voice speaks over my shoulder.
I swipe at my face, and whirl around to Sonya. She wears a smug expression. Obviously she knows I saw her and Tripp together. Why did it have to be her of all people?
“What’s wrong, Hadley? You look like you lost your best friend.” She purses her lips and talks to me like I’m a baby.
I hold my head high, not giving her the satisfaction of knowing that my heart is breaking. “You’re the one who should be sad, Sonya. Last I heard Tripp dumped you after the fall
dance.”
Something like doubt flickers over Sonya’s eyes before they harden again. “Oh, that was just temporary. You saw us talking. Things are all back to the way they should be now.”
My heart sinks. “What?”
“Oh, come on. You had to know that whatever the two of you had wouldn’t last forever.” Sonya smiles knowingly. “He may have felt sorry for you enough to make you think he likes you.”
“That’s not why-”
“You’re the reason he and Mav got into a fight, you know that?” she cuts me off, her words stopping me cold. “He’s not going to ruin his whole life just to be with you, and you’re a fool if you believed he would. I think it’s best for everyone if you just let him go.”
The bell peals, and Sonya spins away. As I watch her walk off, a cold emptiness covers me. I know she’s right. Tripp has always been one of the popular guys. I can’t expect him to give all that up. And by the way he’s acting, it’s clear that he doesn’t want to.
“Hadley?” Tripp’s voice startles me. “Why aren’t you in class?”
My gaze sweeps the hallway until it lands on Tripp. “Um…I was just talking to Sonya.”
“Sonya?” He walks toward me looking wary. “About what?”
“I think you know.” I cross my arms over my chest.
“Know what?”
“I saw you two talking, Tripp. I know what’s going on.” Moisture fills my eyes, and I know I have to get out of here before I break down. “You can stop pretending and just go back to your real friends. I won’t stop you.” I turn away from him.
His hand clamps over my wrist. “What are you talking about?”
“Just let me go.” I shake my arm out of his grasp, my skin burning from where he touched it. “It’s over, okay? So, leave me alone.” Lips quivering and tears streaking my face, I run as fast as I can down the hallway.
TWENTY-EIGHT
TRIPP
It kills me to hear Hadley say those words. It’s over. It can’t be over between us. I won’t let it. Slamming my fist into a nearby locker, I grunt in frustration. I knew Sonya was up to something the minute she cornered me in the hallway. She acted all concerned about my fight with Mav, but then she just kept giggling even when I wasn’t saying anything funny. If I had been smart I would’ve just walked away and went in search of Hadley. It’s what I wanted to do.
I know I’ve been acting strange and sending her mixed signals. It’s just because I’m nervous. I stayed up late last night taping back up her picture. Even though I wasn’t able to fix it, at least I could put it back together. And it looks all right, if you can overlook the tape and creases.
Then this morning my mom intercepted me and dropped a major bombshell. I’ve felt sick ever since, knowing that I have to come clean to Hadley. If I have any hope of keeping her in my life, I know it’s time for me to tell her the truth. Only I’m scared. Scared of how she’ll react. But mostly scared of what she’ll think of me when she knows.
However, I never imagined she would break it off with me before I could even talk to her. God, why do I keep screwing everything up? I have to figure out a way to make this right.
I can’t find Hadley after school, so I just head to her house hoping that’s where she went. The door swings open after just a few knocks. Hadley narrows her eyes at me, her stance defiant.
“Hadley, can we please talk?” I speak swiftly before she can slam the door in my face.
“About what?” She crosses her arms over her chest. A splash of blue darts down the hallway behind her. I hear the pitter-pattter of little feet and squealing.
“Come outside so we can talk without an audience.” I point to Hadley’s stepsiblings.
Hadley bites her lip, as if trying to decide whether to trust me or not.
“Please, Leelee?” I lean into her and speak in my softest voice in an effort to persuade her. When I catch a whiff of her sweet scent, I have to force my arms to stay pinned to my sides. I hate that things are so strained between us. I want to take her in my arms so bad. “I really need to talk to you.”
She sighs, her shoulders slumping. “Fine. Let me just tell my mom.”
I exhale, relieved as she disappears for a minute. When she returns, I note that she’s slipped on a pair of tennis shoes. She steps outside, careful to stay a safe distance from me. It hurts more than her words did.
“Okay, talk,” she says in a clipped voice.
“First off, I want you to know that nothing is going on with Sonya and me. I don’t know what she told you, but you have to believe me when I say that I only want to be with you.” I search her eyes, but I can’t read anything in them.
“I want to believe you, Tripp, but you’ve been pushing me away lately and I can’t take it anymore.” Her voice wavers. “This is exactly what I was scared of. I was scared that once you got me you wouldn’t want me anymore. And that’s exactly what’s happening.”
“No.” I rush forward, bridging the gap between us. “That’s not. I swear to you. Every word I’ve ever said to you is true, Hadley. I want to be with you. Now more than ever.”
“Then why are you acting so distant? Why won’t you let me in?” She speaks in a soft tone.
“I don’t mean to. It’s just that I have a lot going on right now.”
“So you keep saying.” She takes a step backward, the guarded expression returning. “But I have no idea what it is you have going on because you won’t share it with me.”
“I want to, Hadley. It’s just so hard for me.”
“You said that you trusted me, that I was the first person you could open up to.” She flashes me an expectant look. “Did you mean it?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Then tell me what’s going on.” Hadley’s eyes soften, the edges crinkling. “I care about you, Tripp, and I want to help you. But I can’t do that if you don’t let me in.”
I nod, knowing that I’m making the right decision. Hadley is a trustworthy person. She’s the only person I’ve ever wanted to share my secret with, and in this moment I’m more sure than ever that I’m making the correct choice. I grab her hand. “C’mon. I have something to show you.”
She stays still as if rooted in place. “Where?”
“My house.” Sensing her hesitation, I add, “my parents aren’t home. My dad’s at work, and my mom’s at an appointment.”
“I don’t know if I should.”
“Hadley, when you told me we were over, it killed me. I can’t lose you. I just can’t.”
Hadley’s face crumbles. “Oh, Tripp.” Her hands come up to touch my hair. “I’m sorry I said that. I was just so angry.”
“Then please come with me,” I try again. “I’ll explain everything. And if you want to break up with me then, you can. But at least give me a chance to explain what’s going on.”
“Okay.” She nods, allowing me to guide her forward. Anxiety plagues me as I walk to my house. I’ve never let anyone in on my nightmare before. It will be so hard to share it. We step inside, and as always I feel like I’m suffocating. There’s nowhere else on earth where I feel so trapped as in my own home.
Gripping Hadley’s hand so tightly I’m afraid that I’m hurting her, I make my way up the stairs and into my room. The picture that I took weeks drawing but is now taped up sits on top of my bed along with my other drawings. Some are of nature, some are of objects, some are of sports or my friends. There is even one of me.
Hadley’s gaze lands on them and she sucks in a breath. “What is this?”
I release her hand, and she tentatively ambles forward. Her fingertips skim over the pictures as if she's reading braille. "Did you draw these?"
“Yeah.” I come up behind her, running my hands over her arms.
She picks up each one individually, studying them. "These are really good." Then her hand lights on the one of her. "Is this me?"
“It's the surprise I was telling you about. But then it got ruined. I’ve been working on it for weeks
. I was hoping you would be able to see how beautiful you are to me.”
“It is beautiful, Tripp. I had no idea you could draw like this.” She spins around to face me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s something I’ve never told anyone, actually.”
“Why?”
“Drawing isn’t exactly something my dad thinks a Bauer man should be doing. We are supposed to be playing sports and dating lots of girls, but definitely not anything artistic or creative. Those activities are for pansies, according to my dad.”
Hadley purses her lips, her forehead a mess of squiggly lines. “Are you saying that your dad doesn’t allow you to draw?”
I struggle to take an even breath. It’s now or never. I have to tell her. Only I can’t look at her when I say it. Turning my back on her, I say, “Hadley, remember when you asked how I know your dad?”
“Yeah.” I detect wariness in her voice.
“My mom isn’t a patient of Dr. Summers. I am.”
“Why?” Her fingers hover over my shoulder.
“My mom made me start going to him after I tried to commit suicide last year.”
Hadley gasps, and I’m so glad that I don’t have to see the horrified look on her face. I run a hand over my head, keeping my gaze trained on the wall. It’s the same wall my dad had me pinned against last night, and the memories wash over me.
“But why would you do that, Tripp?”
And here it is. The moment I’ve been dreading since we got in here. I turn around. Hadley’s eyes collide with mine, exposing the uncertainty mixed with fear in them. Reaching down, I grip the bottom of my shirt and roll the fabric in between my fingers. In one swift movement, I pull the shirt off and toss it on the floor.
Hadley’s disgusted expression hurts me even worse than I thought it would. I’m sure that any minute she’s going to run out of here and never look back. Who wants to be with a coward like me? I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling sickened. A startled breath shoots from my throat when I feel a cold hand on my stomach. My eyes pop open. Hadley stands directly in front of me, tears in her eyes. Both of her hands are pressed against my wounds. Her fingers move slowly over each bruise, over each scar. A tear slips down her cheek, but she doesn’t stop touching me. It’s as if she’s trying to erase the pain with her touch.
