“Remember that day we skipped school and went into the city?” Daniel asked. He reached across the table and touched the back of his fingers to hers softly. Neither one of them moved their hand away.
“The day you bought the Carl Sagan book and we met the guy with the psychic cat?”
“You met the guy with the psychic cat,” Daniel corrected, pointing at her like he was serious. “I hate cats.”
They laughed together as they remembered it.
“And you’d never been to Tower Records until that day,” Jenny reminded him. “I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard. But of course, now it makes sense.” She tilted her head to one side. “Wait, weren’t those the first cassette tapes you ever owned?”
Daniel nodded and pushed his paper coffee cup around the table. “Yeah. You introduced me to my first tapes. And a few other ‘firsts,’ too.” The smile on his lips turned into a knowing smirk.
Jenny kicked him lightly under the table, but her eyes danced as she laughed. “You’re right.”
“And that night we went to see Back to the Future,” Daniel said. “That was the first night I kissed you.”
Jenny’s eyes looked up as a woman passed by their table. Daniel hadn’t thought to keep his voice down, and there was a brief moment when their eyes met and they nearly laughed out loud realizing how this conversation would sound to anyone who might overhear it.
“I remember,” Jenny finally said. She smiled at him. “In Andy’s car. It was different from that New Year’s Eve party.”
“That wasn’t me,” Daniel said quickly, in case she’d forgotten.
“I know.” Jenny looked at him with hesitation in her eyes. “I could always tell the difference.”
They sat in silence for a bit, neither sure how to approach the topic.
“What happened?” Daniel finally asked. “After prom night?”
“When you were gone?” Jenny gazed out the window again. Daniel thought she might cry. “It was hard. I had to figure out how to be there with you, but without you at the same time. People expected us to be together, but there was no question about things staying the way they were. It was just…impossible.”
Daniel hated the thought of her approaching some guy who looked like him but wasn’t him. The image of it made his stomach turn and his blood boil. He clenched his jaw. “But did you try?”
Jenny shook her head.
“No?” Daniel could feel his blood pressure start to drop again as he watched the sadness creep into her eyes. “You didn’t?”
“Of course not,” Jenny said, finally looking at him again. “I only wanted you. And that wasn’t you.”
The raw emotion of how they’d felt about one another had suddenly bubbled to the surface. Gone was the friendly “remember when” chit-chat they’d been bantering back and forth just minutes before. Jenny reached a hand across the table and laced her fingers through Daniel’s.
Daniel tightened his grip on her hand. He never wanted to let go. “What else?” he asked, clearing his throat. “Are you married?” If the other question he’d asked had been hard, this one was even more difficult. But he needed to know everything.
“Never married,” Jenny said. She twisted the coffee cup on the table and watched his face. “I never even considered it.”
“Yeah, me either.”
“Not married yet, huh?” Jenny’s eyes searched his face. “Well, maybe someday.”
“I thought I should probably graduate from high school first.” He smiled. “Just so I have something to offer a girl.”
“A solid plan.” Another short silence fell between them as they remembered how close they’d been to graduating together. The last night they’d seen each other had been prom night, and though Daniel had questions he wanted to ask and things he wanted to say, he waited.
“I have a daughter,” Jenny said. “Sara.”
Daniel was stunned. He stared at her. But why should he be surprised? Jenny was almost fifty years old. She’d lived a whole life without him, and the thought that she might have met someone and had a child shouldn’t have thrown him. But it had—at least a little.
“Jenny! You’re a mom?”
“Yeah,” she said with a small laugh. “I am. But she’s grown now.” Jenny’s eyes drifted to the sidewalk again. “She’s gorgeous. She’s a middle school teacher, God love her, and she’s dating a guy who I think might actually end up being good enough for her.”
“Oh, he might be?”
“We’ll see.” Jenny laughed again. “Want to see a picture of her?”
Daniel nodded and took another sip of his coffee to give him something to do with his hands.
Jenny pulled an iPhone from the pocket of the coat she’d hung over the back of her chair. She unlocked it with her fingerprint and scrolled through her photos.
“Remember when you showed me one of these for the first time?” she asked, holding up the phone. Daniel nodded, thinking of the iPhone he’d shattered at the Psychedelic Furs concert. “Here,” she said, turning the phone around. “This is Sara.” She showed Daniel a photo of a beautiful woman with dark hair and eyes just like Jenny’s. She was sitting on a chair in front of a Christmas tree with a wrapped box in her lap. “Last Christmas.”
“Wow,” Daniel said, staring at the woman on the screen. “How old is she?”
Jenny pulled the phone back to her side of the table and continued to scroll through the photos. “She’s almost thirty,” she said, her eyes still on the screen.
Daniel still couldn’t believe Jenny was old enough to be the mother of a woman who taught middle schoolers—it didn’t seem possible.
“Look, here she is in high school,” Jenny said, showing him a picture of Sara and two other girls dressed for a formal dance. “She’s the one in the middle.”
“I can see that,” Daniel said. “She’s definitely got your looks.”
Jenny shrugged modestly and chose another photo. “She was a cute baby, too.” She offered the phone to him so he could admire Sara in a frilly purple dress holding a stuffed giraffe. She appeared to be about two.
“She was cute.” As he looked at each photo, Daniel’s brain was calculating and making mental notes. Something about Sara felt incredibly familiar. Seeing her face change over the years tickled at something in his heart that he couldn’t quite name.
“You know,” Jenny said. She locked her phone and slid it back into the pocket of her coat. She leaned forward on her elbows. “I’ve always wanted to share those photos with Sara’s father. I wanted him to know her. To see how much she reminded me of him.”
Her words sat between them on the table as Daniel finally realized why Sara looked and felt so familiar, even in photos. Her nose reminded him of his own nose; the way she tilted her head in the school dance photo looked remarkably like the way his own mother tilted her head sometimes.
He looked into Jenny’s eyes. “Is she…?”
Jenny nodded. Her gaze held steady.
Sara was his daughter. Not only had his time in 1986 changed life as his family had known it, and not only had he lost the best friend he’d ever had, but he’d left a daughter behind. A daughter he’d never even known about.
Jenny’s fingers were wrapped around his again and Daniel lifted her hand, bringing it to his lips for a moment. Their eyes never broke contact as he brushed his lips across the skin of her fingers. This beautiful girl had given birth to their baby girl without him. He wanted to go back and be there—to see it all, to be a part of it. Daniel felt like, if he looked at her long enough, he might catch a glimpse in her eyes of all the things he’d missed.
“When did you find out?” he asked, wrapping his other hand around hers so that he held it between his palms. He’d long ago stopped caring about whether anyone around them was watching.
“Right before prom.”
“And you didn’t tell me?” He searched her face desperately. Why would she not have told him? Had he seemed like the kind
of guy who would have run from that news? The thought that she’d been afraid to tell him really hurt.
“I tried to,” Jenny said, squeezing his fingers as he held her hand. “But you and Roger left that night.”
“You were going to tell me at the prom?”
Jenny nodded. “I wanted you to know. I just didn’t get the chance. And you didn’t come back.”
“You’re right,” Daniel said gently. The tone of his voice was an apology in and of itself. “I should have come back. I would have…”
“It’s okay,” Jenny promised. She put her other hand on his so that they were holding onto each other across the table like two people trying to pull each other to shore safely. “You couldn’t. I understand that now. I even knew it then.”
“But you raised her alone.”
“I did okay.”
“You did more than okay,” Daniel said, watching her with pride. She’d become everything he ever could have dreamed of—and more.
“Excuse me,” two men in business suits had paused next to their table. “We’re not trying to be rude, but are you going to vacate soon by any chance? Things are looking dismal here as far as finding a table.”
Jenny looked up at the men, her elbows still on the table. She held onto Daniel’s hands. His eyes were on her face.
“Oh,” Jenny said. She looked back at Daniel. “Are we leaving?”
Daniel wanted to say no, that they weren’t done and would never be done, but he knew the time was coming. They couldn’t sit there in Starbucks forever, even if he wanted to.
They gave each other a long look that was full of meaning before Jenny finally smiled back at the men. “You can have the table.”
Daniel watched her slide her arms back into her coat and pick up her purse. Her cheeks had gone pink and he could tell by the way her hands shook that her heart was racing. He stood aside and waited for her as the men took their seats without hesitation.
“Enjoy your coffee,” she said to them before they walked away. Daniel put his hand on her lower back as they moved towards the door.
Outside, a light spring rain had started to fall. Jenny’s coat was untied, and it flapped in the wind. A short, older woman walked right in between them.
“So,” Jenny said, blinking rapidly a few times. Her face was still pink, and her eyes were filling with unshed tears.
“So,” Daniel said. He had a sudden irrational thought about running into traffic to find out if getting hit by a taxi might send him back to 1986 so he could start all over again with Jenny.
“Thank you for meeting me.” Jenny’s eyes were on his face. “I’ve waited a long time to see you again.”
“Thank you for finding me. Wait! I have something for you.” Daniel put a hand into the deep pocket of his jeans and pulled out something small and rectangular. He handed the plastic box to Jenny sheepishly. He’d almost forgotten to give it to her.
Jenny looked at it and laughed happily. The tears in her eyes started to fall. “A mixtape,” she said. “You made me a mixtape.” With a sob, she held it to her chest. “I love it.”
It wasn’t enough—he knew nothing would ever be enough—but it was all he had. He wanted to thank her for raising Sara and for making something amazing out of her life, and he wanted to remind her that she was still the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. But instead, he put both hands on her arms and watched her face as the rain landed on her still smooth skin.
“I’ll just hail a cab here and get myself back uptown,” Jenny said, stepping to the curb. She put one hand in the air and a stack of gold bangles fell from her wrist towards her elbow. Daniel stood next to her, waiting. He wanted to leave her with some final words that meant something. To remind her of what they’d had and to ask how they could ever bring that forward…if they could ever bring it forward. Being with her felt the way it always had—didn’t that count for something?
A yellow cab stopped at the curb, its tires rushing through the water gathering on the concrete street. Jenny reached for the handle of the back door like she was about to climb in.
“Jenny.” Daniel waited until she turned around. “I loved you.”
He knew the obvious question for any other girl would have been “Why loved? Why not love?” But this was Jenny. She knew.
She gave him a sad smile and took a step towards him, putting one hand on the collar of his shirt and letting her fingers graze the soft skin of his neck. She touched the hair at the back of his head as she looked into his eyes one last time. “I loved you, too.”
Before she could turn to leave, Daniel leaned forward and put his lips against hers. She kissed him back. The rain fell on them as he held her there. Hers was the only kiss that had ever mattered in his life, and in that moment, they lived it all again: the psychic cat in the bookstore; listening to the Smiths in the car outside the movie theater; prom night as she tried desperately to tell him something she needed him to hear. All of it.
Jenny’s hand slipped from his collar and she climbed into the backseat of the cab, pausing before she closed the door. “I don’t want to go,” she said in a whisper. She bit her lower lip.
“I don’t want you to go.” Daniel knew that if he reached out and touched her again, neither of them would be able to say goodbye.
Jenny closed the door and kept her eyes on Daniel as she pressed her palm against the rain-spattered glass. After a long moment, the cab pulled away.
Prom night. The thing she needed him to hear. Her tears. Her pleas. Her almost thirty-year-old daughter. Her desire to show Sara’s father the story of her life. Daniel felt the weight of it all as the cab merged into traffic. He knew what was riding away in the back of that cab the same way he knew what his actions had done to his own life and to the lives of others. Watching Jenny go that day left a strange and melancholy feeling that he’d carry with him until his last days.
As the rain continued to fall, Daniel stared at the taillights of her cab until it disappeared around the corner.
He kept one hand raised in farewell, just in case she was watching.
Afterword
Music is a big part of this book, and we reference several songs in the chapter titles. Here’s the list:
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham!
Enter Sandman by Metallica
American Teen by Khalid
Mad World by Tears for Fears
When the Night is Over by Lord Huron
Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me by The Smiths
Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths
Halo by Depeche Mode
Take On Me by A-ha
Une Barque sur L’ocean (A Boat on the Ocean) by Maurice Ravel
Head Over Heels by Tears For Fears
Broken Wings by Mr. Mister
Video Killed the Radio Star by The Buggles
In My Life by The Beatles
Just Like Heaven by The Cure
Unclear by Kodaline
Mirrorball by Elbow
Space Oddity by David Bowie
Stone by Jaymes Young
Love My Way by The Psychedelic Furs
Dreams by Harrison Storm
Saw You In a Dream by Japanese House
Clocks by Coldplay
Sleepwalk by Santo and Johnny
I’ll Be Home For Christmas by Bing Crosby
If You Leave by O.M.D.
Sign of the Times by Harry Styles
Disintegration by The Cure
Cascade Spilling by Derek Ted
If I Believe You by The 1975
If You Were Here by The Thompson Twins
Purple Rain by Prince
*
We also created a playlist of our favorite songs to go with the book. If you’d like to follow it on Spotify, simply open your Spotify app and find your search bar. Right next to it will be a camera icon. Click on that and scan the picture below to be taken directly to the playlist:
About the Author
W
e worked on this book over the course of a year and really enjoyed exploring the possibilities of time travel. We’re currently at work on our next book. If you have any questions or want to chat, email us at: [email protected]
Also by stephanie taylor
Young Adult Titles:
@Robertopancake: A Story About a Boy
The American Dream Series: Iris
The American Dream Series: Mai
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Women’s Fiction Titles:
There’s Always a Catch: Christmas Key Book One
Wild Tropics: Christmas Key Book Two
The Edge of Paradise: Christmas Key Book Three
More Than This: Christmas Key Book Four
Jake’s Story: A Christmas Key Novella
Coco’s Story: A Christmas Key Novella
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Also by Stephanie Taylor
American Dream
Mai
Iris
Christmas Key
There’s Always a Catch
Wild Tropics
The Edge of Paradise
More Than This
Coco’s Story: A Christmas Key Novella
Jake’s Story: A Christmas Key Novella
Standalone
@Robertopancake
If You Were Here
Watch for more at Stephanie Taylor’s site.
About the Author
We worked on this book for a year and really enjoyed exploring the possibilities of time travel. We’re currently at work on our next book. You can contact us at: [email protected]
If You Were Here Page 26
