by M. L. Young
Malia asked me if I did it because I wanted to date other guys. I got where she was coming from, since she said if I wasn’t going to try to date other men that I should just stay with him because either way it was the same thing, with me not seeing anybody else, but it just felt harder than that. He could just pick up and leave on a moment’s notice, especially after telling me he was here to stay, and that was the big underlying problem.
I didn’t want to think that those sorts of things could ever happen. I wanted to dream that we would just be together. Sure, he’d sometimes have to go on location, maybe in Paris, or Dubai, or somewhere else for a little while, but I could go with him, and he wouldn’t just leave, especially after promising me all the things we could do together now that he was off. I’d have time to prepare. I’d have time to process it all. I definitely didn’t have that now.
I sat in class, tapping my pen against my thigh, and I felt my stomach growl like it hadn’t been fed in days. Really, it barely had; I hadn’t eaten all that much, mostly because I didn’t have much of an appetite even though I was getting hunger pains. I was depressed, sad, whatever you want to call it, but I knew it would all turn out in the end. I was going to get through it.
I checked my phone, looking for what exactly I didn’t know, because Cash and I hadn’t spoken since I’d left. I was somewhat expecting him to text me, telling me he wanted to be with me and that he’d turned down the offer, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I was living in a pipedream on that one. I had to get on with my life, though, no matter how much it hurt, and burying my face in schoolwork was the best way to do that. The semester was almost over, and even though we still had about a month and a half left, the work was piling on even more.
I didn’t write many notes, mainly on account of how I was feeling, and the only reason I showed up was because this professor took attendance points and tacked them on at the end of the semester. I wanted to bolster my grade, especially now with the way things were happening, so I brought my body here even if my mind was absent.
Class soon ended and I slowly picked up my bag. It felt like a bunch of rocks were inside. I was weak.
“Want to meet on campus for coffee?” Malia asked over text.
“Yeah, I’m done now. When?” I asked.
“Now is good. I’ll see you over there soon,” she said, alluding to the only coffee shop on campus.
I walked all the way across campus, something a weakened woman shouldn’t do, shuffling my feet the entire way. I started to feel a cramp in my hamstring. Malia was already inside, sitting with her coffee and a blueberry muffin, when I set my bag with her and walked up to the counter. The baked goods smelled amazing and my mouth salivated and my stomach begged me to get it something. “I should at least try to eat something,” I mumbled under my breath.
“Can I get you something?” the barista asked.
“A medium hot chocolate with whipped cream and a giant cookie, please,” I said, as my cravings wanted chocolate and chocolate alone.
I stepped to the side and waited before she brought both over, the cookie a little warm from being heated up, the chocolate melting on the wax paper. “How are you feeling?” Malia asked as I sat down.
“About as good as I can, I guess. That’s code for not so great,” I said, taking a sip of my drink.
“Are you sure you want to do this? You could just text him, he hasn’t left the country yet,” she said.
“If I do that I’ll just feel like I’m caving on my feelings,” I said.
“Are you really, though? It seems like your feelings are pretty shot right now, and I think you just made a stupid mistake in the heat of the moment. You were so pumped about hanging around with him, and then he tells you ‘oh hey, I’m leaving next week and I won’t be back for a couple months.’ That’s heartbreaking news to hear for anybody,” she said.
“Yeah, I don’t know. He’s got so much on his mind right now, and I don’t want to add stress to his situation,” I said.
“I think that train has come and left the station, Jenna. I think it would cause him less stress for you to reach out to him,” she said.
I pulled off a small chunk of the cookie and slowly chewed it as I tried to wonder if she was right. Should I take that chance? Should I just suck it up and swallow my pride? I wasn’t exactly known for doing that sort of thing.
I decided against it, at least for right now, before finishing my cookie and sipping my hot chocolate. Malia started blabbing on about Ian, but I couldn’t get myself to pay attention, even though I knew it was important to her. She just picked the wrong time; I probably wasn’t the best person to talk to about relationships right now.
Malia gave me a ride across campus to my car, since she’d parked near the coffee shop. I thanked her and got into my car before pulling out my phone and deciding I wasn’t quite ready to go home. I opened Instagram, seeing a picture at the top of my feed with Cash in it. It was announcing his new role as Captain Star. I started to feel knots in my stomach. I was so happy for him, I was, but at what cost? My own happiness?
Whatever the case, I was glad he was living out his childhood dream, and I was hopeful for the future, even if I didn’t necessarily feel it quite yet.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cash
Smiling for the cameras was the worst thing to do when I was in a bad mood. Even though my flight left for Thailand tomorrow, it wasn’t going to be out of Los Angeles. I’d decided to go home and see my family before going away for so long, since none of them would be able to get over and visit me while I was gone. Getting this role was great and all, and even though it was exciting, I couldn’t help but feel a bit destroyed because of it. Who would’ve guessed that something so joyous and exciting could also be so devastating?
“Okay, we need you to stay still,” the photographer said as they took green screen pictures of my face for the production shots. They used them in meetings, storyboards, costume design, and even set design.
I put on the mask, black with a star on the front, which I wasn’t all that keen on. “We’re almost done,” the photographer said.
I kept smiling, looking serious, or whatever else they wanted, before they called it a wrap and I briskly walked out of the studio to my waiting car. I wanted as much time as possible with my family, and the time change forward two hours wasn’t going to help anything. Luckily, the studio gave me a private jet for both flights, so I wasn’t going to be flying coach by any means.
I quickly went inside and grabbed my bags, packing a few extra things for good measure, before locking my front door and loading the car. I looked at my house, my garage, everything, before saying goodbye to it and hoping it would still be standing once I got back. Earthquakes were a very real thing out here.
•••
The snow was pretty much melted when I landed, only about fifteen or twenty minutes from my childhood home. There was a nearby private airfield, mostly for farmers and enthusiasts, and as I walked off the jet I saw my mother and father standing on the tarmac waiting for me.
“There’s my boy!” my mother yelled, her arms out.
I gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek before hugging my father and putting my bags in the car. “Who all am I seeing tonight?” I asked as we got buckled in.
“Bentley, Anna, and Liam will all be there. You’re lucky you caught Liam,” my mother said.
“Good, I need some family time, and I definitely need to get to know Anna more,” I said.
“She’s such a great girl, Bentley did a good job,” she said.
“Yeah,” I replied, looking out the back window.
“Are you and Jenna, you know,” she said, knowing about the breakup.
“Carol, we talked about this. Don’t ask the boy about that kind of stuff, it’s hurtful,” my father said.
“Don’t tell me how to talk to my own son, Ed. You drive me nuts sometimes. I’m only trying to be a loving, concerned mother,” she said.
&n
bsp; “Okay, enough, I can’t take fighting right now. I’m only here for the night, and I want it to be nice and loving,” I said.
“I’m sorry, dear,” my mother said.
“We’ll make tonight really nice for you, okay?” my father asked.
We pulled up to a local bar, a dive, really, and when I saw a black muscle car outside, I knew Bentley was here. Bentley was the coolest older brother, always looking out for Liam and me like his life depended on it. I guess that’s what you hope you get in a big brother, and I was happy that I got him. We didn’t talk as much as we should, but we always picked up where we left off without missing a beat.
“Has Hollywood flown into town?” Kirk, the bartender and owner, said as I walked in.
“This place could use some class. When did you last renovate, when you built the place?” I asked, smiling.
Kirk was leery with you if you didn’t bullshit with him or crack snide jokes. He was kind of an ass, but in a good way, and he was dependable, which made him a local favorite. Other bars never stood a chance, even though they were probably a hell of a lot nicer than his.
“Cash,” Bentley said, getting up with a smile.
I hugged him tightly before he started patting my back and my chin stuck to his leather jacket. He was a cool guy like that.
“You remember Anna,” he said as we let go.
“Of course. It’s so great to see you,” I said, giving her a friendly hug.
“Hey, she’s mine, you know,” Bentley said in a playful voice.
“It’s good to see you again too,” Anna said with a smile.
“Where’s Mr. Knock You Out?” I asked, alluding to Liam.
“He went around back for something, I don’t know,” Bentley said.
“So, what can I get you guys?” Kirk said.
“Three Bud Lights,” my father said, sitting down at a table across from the bar.
“So you’re just in town for the night?” Bentley asked.
“Unfortunately. I fly out in the morning, but I told them I needed to come home first. I can’t go that long knowing that I can’t come back if I want to,” I said.
“So you’re going to Thailand?” Bentley asked, as if in disbelief.
“Yup, going to Thailand,” I said.
“I hope it’s not too hot or something,” he said, taking a swig of his beer.
“Probably not this time of year. It’s quite nice, actually,” Anna said.
“You ever been?” I asked.
“No, I wish. Seems like a cool place to visit,” she said.
“Maybe I can just send you in my place. Feel like being a superhero?” I asked, laughing.
“No, I’m good. I’d rather have jury duty,” she said, laughing back.
I felt hands on my shoulders and turned around to see Liam standing behind me. “Heard you were rolling into town,” he said.
I quickly stood up and gave him a big hug while he hugged harder, like he was trying to make me submit. That’s what I got for having an MMA fighter as a brother. “Liam is leaving tomorrow as well,” my mother said.
“Where to?” I asked.
“Chicago somewhere. I have a fight in a few days, and I like to settle in the town for a couple days before the fight if I can. I don’t feel so out of place then,” he said.
“Getting hit a lot lately?” I asked.
“I’m hitting a lot, but not getting hit a lot,” he said, smiling.
“That’s my man,” I said, wrapping my arm around his shoulders.
“Let me get a picture,” my mother said before pulling out her phone.
“Oh boy, here we go,” I said.
“We don’t have any good pictures of you boys now, so Bentley, get your butt in there before I put you in myself,” she said while trying to figure out how to work the camera on her phone.
Bentley came in, wrapping his arm around me, as we smiled and waited for the flash to go off. “Oh, shoot,” my mother said, looking at her phone. “What did I do?”
“Oh, god,” Liam whispered.
“Oh, here it is. Okay, one…two…three,” she said, and the flash went off. “Oh, that looks so good, doesn’t it, Ed?”
“Good picture of the boys,” he said, taking a drink from his beer.
I grabbed mine off the counter, feeling the alcohol slide into my system. It was a much-needed release from what was happening in my life. We ordered some food, some mozzarella sticks, sandwiches, and even a pizza to share, as I said the hell with it to contract weights and packing on muscle. I’d have plenty of time for that in Thailand.
Later on that night, Bentley and I walked out front as the rest of the family were playing some kind of trivia game on some screens in the bar. “How are you doing?” he asked as we leaned against a railing with our beers.
“Good, good,” I said, nodding.
“Don’t lie to me, Cash. You know you can’t,” he said.
He was right in that assessment. Bentley was the kind of guy you just couldn’t lie to no matter how hard you tried. He sniffed out bullshit a mile away, and he was never judgmental, so I really never had a reason to lie to him. I did feel like I could tell him anything.
“Just the whole breakup thing,” I said.
“Broken up about it?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I replied softly.
“You love this girl?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t think we’ve been seeing each other long enough to go as far as love,” I said.
“Well, you wouldn’t be this broken up about her if you just sort of liked her. Are you falling in love with her at least?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess so. I could’ve seen us saying it in another two months, maybe less,” I said.
“Why did you let her break up with you?” he asked.
“Well, I didn’t really have a choice, now did I? I can’t kidnap her and keep her hostage as my girlfriend,” I said.
“I didn’t mean it that way,” he said, laughing. “I meant why didn’t you fight for her? You didn’t, did you?”
“I guess I didn’t,” I said.
“Why?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“You know. Tell me why,” he said.
“I guess I was just scared, upset, and heartbroken over it. She wanted to leave things alone until I get back, and I didn’t think I could change her mind about it,” I said.
“You never know if you could’ve unless you actually tried. There’s still time,” he said.
“I’m leaving in like ten hours,” I said.
“Then don’t go,” he said.
“I have to go, I have a contract,” I said.
“Oh please, as if the studio is going to sue you or something for not going,” he said.
“Yeah, they might, actually. That’s why there’s contracts in place, and there’s consequences for breaking them,” I said.
“Fuck the contract. Your life and your future are way more important than some stupid-ass contract,” he said, taking a swig of his beer.
“Life doesn’t work that easily, Bentley,” I said.
“It does if you let it work that easily, Cash. You’re giving up the woman who could be your future wife because you’re scared of a damn piece of paper! Give me a break! The Cash Hawthorne I know never would’ve let this happen, no matter how bad he wanted that role. Work will only get you so damn far in life, Cash, and pretty soon you’ll be forty years old and wondering where in the hell you went wrong,” he said, his voice rising.
“Don’t yell at me like I’m a child,” I said.
“Then stop acting like one! Man up and do what you need to do to make things right,” he said.
“I’m leaving,” I said, pushing off the railing.
“You’re going to thank me for yelling at you one day, Cash. I might have to be the big bad older brother right now, and you might be mad at me, but I love you and I only want to see you happy. She makes you happy,” he said.
I stopp
ed at the door, looking in through the red tinted circular window on top of it, before looking back at Bentley. “I am mad at you right now, but even though I am I know you’re doing what you think is right. And before I leave the country, I love you, too,” I said before walking back inside.
No matter how much my brother could irritate me sometimes, he did always do what he thought was right and just, which I did always admire about him. Everything was either good or bad, black or white, and he did the right thing, even if it hurt him in other ways.
I kept up appearances the rest of the night, Bentley not mentioning it again, before it got late and I knew I had to get up early in the morning to catch my flight. “Ready to go home?” my mother asked.
“Yeah, I think I should,” I replied.
We said all our goodbyes and did hugs before getting back in the car. I leaned my head against the back window, letting out a fairly silent sigh as my father turned on the car and drove us home.
•••
The aroma of freshly brewed coffee woke me up in the morning as I stretched and looked at my phone. I had an hour and a half to get to the airport, but it was right around the corner, so I had plenty of time.
“That smells good,” I said as I walked into the kitchen and saw my mother and father making coffee and breakfast.
“I’ll be driving you to the airport today. I called in late to work,” she said.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said.
“Yes, I did. I can’t let you just head out alone, Cash. You’re my son, and I have to see you off,” she said.
“We have too much to do at work, I hope you’re not mad,” my father said.
“Not at all, Dad. Last night more than makes up for anything,” I said.
My mother put together a plate for me, with pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, and a bottle of microwaveable syrup that she’d been buying since we were kids. It wasn’t the best or most expensive syrup out there, but it was surprisingly better than all the expensive ones combined. I think that’s just because you gravitate to things you liked as a kid even later in life.
