The Prince of Evil was literally fuming. A haze of sulfur smoke surrounded him, and his horns were showing. "You interfered with My demons!" He rasped, a small tongue of fire showing at his lips as he spoke.
"They interfered with my business," Norton said curtly. "Now you get out of my mansion; I have no use for you."
"You are messing up My whole program!"
"Good for me! I don't like being deceived or used for evil purpose."
"I will have satisfaction!" Satan said, his eyes flaming as he drew off one of his red gloves. He did not look at all benign now!
But Norton was fed up. "Go to Hell!"
Fire puffed out of Satan's ears. He raised his fist to Norton, clenching his glove.
Norton extended his white cloak. "Hit me," he invited.
"No," Satan snarled past lengthening tusks. He was enraged, but not foolish; he knew the defense of Time. Instead he hurled his glove directly at Norton's face. "You will go—without return!"
Norton ducked the glove, though he knew it couldn't hurt him. But it puffed into smoke, and the smoke surrounded him. He could see nothing. He stepped to the side, out of it.
He found himself on a green planet, looking at a Glob spaceship. He was back in the antimatter cluster!
"Damn it, how does he do that?" Norton demanded. "I didn't ask to come here again!"
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.
Norton chuckled grimly. "Well, at least I have you with me, Sning! Do you know how I can return promptly home?"
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.
"You're not sure? But I understood Satan couldn't do anything to me without my consent."
Squeeze.
"But I didn't consent to this!"
Squeeze, squeeze.
That made him pause. Was Sning agreeing or disagreeing? "You say I did consent, tacitly?"
Squeeze.
"This time you're wrong, Sning! What could possibly interest me here?"
Then he spied a shape in the air. He squinted, and discovered a winged unicorn bearing a lovely young woman. Excelsia on the Alicorn, both looking splendid, coming here.
Squeeze.
Norton sighed. "Point made," he agreed ruefully. Excelsia was a lovely young woman with whom he could interact on a continuing basis, since her time flow matched his. That did indeed appeal to him! "This must be the Magic-Lantern Cloud, instead of the globular cluster—as good a place to relax as any."
Squeeze, squeeze.
"You say no? You mean Satan is up to something new?"
Squeeze.
"And he figures to keep me here so he can perform his mischief without my opposition?"
Squeeze.
"Then I'd better return immediately!"
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.
The Alicorn landed. Excelsia bounced off and ran toward him. Her gown this time was filmy white and low-cut, and she was better endowed than he had realized; Norton found that run fascinating. "O Sir Norton!" she panted, her bosom heaving prettily. "I never thanked you properly for your valiant assistance—and when I returned, you were gone! I have searched all over the planet for you!"
"Well, I—"
She reached him and flung her arms about him. "Now at last I have found you!" She planted a delightful kiss on his mouth. He felt as if his feet were leaving the ground. "Thank you so much!" she breathed.
"You're welcome," he said. What an armful she was! "But I regret I must depart, because—"
Her pretty face misted over. "Depart?"
"There is pressing business back on Earth, and—"
Two big, shining tears formed in her lovely eyes. "But, Sir Norton, I have so much to show you!"
He gulped. How much he wanted to see what she had to show! But he had learned the hard way not to ignore Satan's mischief. "Uh, can I take a rain check?"
"A rain check!" she flared. There was a crack of thunder nearby, and rain began to threaten from a ballooning gray cloud.
Excelsia wrenched herself from his arms and fled toward her steed. "You can have a deluge for all I care, sirrah!"
Norton ran after her, sadly out of sorts. "Wait, Excelsia! I didn't mean it like that! It's just that—"
She reached the Alicorn, who brought his horn about to bear directly on Norton. Norton drew up short, not comfortable with that, though probably this creature could not hurt him. He didn't want to hurt the Alicorn, either.
"I'm sure you don't need to explain yourself to me," Excelsia said primly. "Go on home right now, sirrah, and I wish the other woman good fortune hunting!"
"There is no other woman!" Norton protested. But it occurred to him that, had Agleh been in his time frame, she would have been an excellent prospect; indeed, in the past she had been—well, never mind that. And of course he still felt love for Orlene, and there was always Clotho, the one who really understood, so he wasn't being quite candid.
"Then you will stay?" Excelsia said, brightening.
How much harm could there be in a short stay? He had wanted to rest for a while, anyway.
Squeeze, squeeze.
"Shut up!" Norton snapped guiltily.
"Well!" Excelsia said, affronted.
"No, I didn't mean you!" Norton protested, taking a step toward her. But the Alicorn snorted and leveled his horn again, stopping that. "I was talking to Sning!"
The Damsel frowned attractively. "I remember Sning, the good adviser and strange steed. Does he tell you I be not good enough for you, sirrah?"
"No, of course not! He tells me there will be great trouble back on Earth if I don't return at once."
She mollified. "Then perchance you must go, Sir Norton. I regret my dainty outburst of temper. I will wait somewhat patiently for your return."
Would Satan ever let him come back here, after he had once again balked whatever mischief Satan was hatching now? Norton brushed that thought aside. "Thank you," he said gratefully. "I really wish I could be with you right now, but it must be duty before pleasure." He concentrated, willing himself home.
Nothing happened. Excelsia watched him with curiosity. "Belike you have mislaid your way?"
Norton realized that he had never made this trip on his own volition; Satan had conducted him each way. He didn't know how to return! "I seem to have done that," he admitted, abashed.
The space-blob had been sitting quiescently all this time. Now it irised open a wart. A man emerged. It was Bat Dursten. "Say, get a glimmer o' that there Femme!" he exclaimed.
The little Bem followed the spaceman out. It had grown some, but remained cute as a bug eye. It changed into a wheeled robot in the shape of a motorcycle. Dursten mounted, and the robot-Bem-cycle churned across to join the party.
The Alicorn reared with alarm, spreading his wings. "What manner of thing be this?" Excelsia demanded, drawing her knife.
The Bemcycle angled its faceted headlamp to cover them as it proceeded. "Uh, it's okay," Norton said quickly. "It's just Bat Dursten, spaceman galore. And his Bem."
Her fair brow wrinkled with perplexity. "Bum?"
"Bem. An acronym for Bug-Eyed-Monster."
Dursten arrived and jumped off his vehicle. "Bemme," he clarified. "She's a Femme-Bem. 'Course, she's still young, not for messing with—but ain't she pretty?"
The little Bemme shifted back to normal form, a blob with tentacles and huge insectoid eyes.
Excelsia screamed, and the Alicorn snorted fire.
Norton hastily interposed himself. "They're from the space opera frame," he said—and paused. "How can that be? This is the heroic fantasy frame!"
"Fantasy, shmantasy!" Dursten exclaimed. "We got caught in a space warp and woof and had to make landfall on the closest green planet, to give the ship a chance to repair itself." He nodded toward the blob. "These Bemballs look like rotten eggs, but they're not bad when you get to know 'em. They can pretty well take care o' themselves, given half a chance. But what in space are you doing here, pardner? Last time I saw you, you'd vanished. I figured the Genius 'ported you away."
>
"Close enough," Norton said. "Now I've been, uh, teleported here. But this is a fantasy world you've landed on, where magic works, just as it does on my home world of Earth. Excelsia and I had quite an adventure—"
Bat eyed the woman. "Yeah, I'll bet. Man, I'd shore like to take that there Femme myself and—"
"Go eat a slimeblob, you utter cretin!" Excelsia snapped.
"Listen, you bare-boobed broad!" Bat retorted. "I don't take no shipment from—"
"All a misunderstanding," Norton cut in before things could proceed to mayhem. Already the Bemme and the Alicorn were squaring off, loyal to their associates. The Alicorn had lowered his horn, while the Bemme had assumed the form of a giant pencil sharpener. "You're from two different worlds—"
The Bemme sprouted an eyeball on a stem and squinted at him. "Three different worlds," Norton corrected himself. "Naturally, conventions differ. We have to be tolerant."
Excelsia shrugged gracefully. "Very well, since you ask it, Sir Norton. I can tolerate the presence of a cretin when absolutely necessary."
The spaceman grinned. "And I sort of go for bare bo—"
"Agreed!" Norton interrupted. "If you will just explain to the creatures."
"Certainly," Excelsia said. "Bemme, if you can get along with that spacelout, I'm sure we females can—"
"Shore," Dursten agreed. "Alicorn, if a horny horsehead like you can put up with that dizzy Femme, you and me can shore—"
But already the Alicorn and the Bemme were making up. She was batting huge faceted eyes at him and he was snorting an appreciative puff of smoke.
"Maybe you can help me. Bat," Norton said, relaxing. "I need to return home in a hurry, but I don't know how. Do you think you could contact a Genius and inquire?"
"Why, shore," the spaceman agreed laconically, glancing again at Excelsia's décolletage. "You can ship right home, and I'll take that there doll and..."
Excelsia huffed up to make an angry response, almost bursting out of her gown, but again Norton intercepted it. "And I'll return when my job on Earth is done."
"That, too," Dursten agreed without complete enthusiasm.
They proceeded to the blob spaceship. The Bemme assumed the form of a petite female Alicorn and trotted along beside the real one, exchanging snickers.
Excelsia was fascinated and somewhat awed by the ship. "What magic mirror be this?" she inquired as the vidscreen lighted.
"Magic mirror!" Dursten echoed. "That's great!"
The Bemme was showing the Alicorn the food synthesizer, producing delicious alfalfa hay for the animals to munch on.
The head of a Genius appeared on the screen. "Yes?" the wizened entity inquired.
"Ooo, a goblin!" Excelsia murmured with distaste.
"My friend Norton here did dang good service for you, and you never paid him," Dursten said. "Now he needs a little—"
"We do not exchange favors," the Genius said coldly. "We are strictly business."
"Maybe we can do business, then," Norton said. "All I need is some advice."
The veined eyeballs swiveled to orient on him. Norton felt his hair getting hot. Quickly he extended his cloak ambience and was cool. The Genius' orbs widened a trifle. "You counter my power?"
"I'm not from your cluster," Norton explained. "You should have that information in your records, from my last visit with spaceman Dursten."
"Records are suspect. You may be a Bem agent. You do occupy an alien ship."
"Captured," Dursten said quickly. "No Bems here."
The cruel eyes flicked to cover the Bemme. "What is that?"
"That ain't no Bem," Dursten insisted. Fortunately, the Bemme had retained her little Alicorn marc form in order to chew on the hay.
The Genius' eyes narrowed. Behind his back, Dursten made a signal. The Bemme jumped in the air, did a somersault, and landed on her back, shuddering and lying still.
"Oh, the poor thing!" Excelsia exclaimed, hurrying to the Bemme. She shot an angry glance at the Genius. "You mean goblin, you killed her with a spell!"
"Ixnay," Dursten muttered under his breath.
Unmoved, the Genius returned his gaze to Norton. "Business?"
Norton was appalled by the creature's callousness, but he knew he could not afford to pass up any chance to return to Earth before Satan completed his mischief. "I need to go back to my own world promptly. Can you transport me there, or tell me how to return on my own?"
"I am unable to read your mind," the Genius said, as if this were a defect in the subject. It seemed the cloak of time protected Norton from this form of psi power, too. "Where is your world?"
"It's in the terrene section of the galaxy. Time moves forward there—the reverse of yours. It's called Earth."
The Genius frowned. "Let me check our listing... yes, Earth is as you describe. A backward planet on the periphery of the main disk. It is fifty-seven thousand light-years distant. That would represent a considerable expenditure of psychic energy."
"That must be why I can't get there myself," Norton agreed.
"You will have to perform an equivalent service for me."
"Well, I can try," Norton said cautiously.
"You are currently on the fantasy world of i. The Evil Sorceress resides there."
"Not any more," Norton said. "We destroyed her."
"Destruction is seldom permanent in the magic realms." But the Genius checked his records again. "True, you did discomfit her for two hours. She recovered, but during that period of incapacity she suffered certain losses."
"The Alicorn," Norton said.
"And the nefarious null-psi amulet that prevents us from following her activities. Her more powerful sister, the Eviler Sorceress, now possesses it. Fetch me that amulet."
A Sorceress worse than the one he had encountered? Norton didn't like that. "That sounds risky to me! She would hardly give up such a prize voluntarily."
"True. That is my price for your return to Earth."
"But it could take me a long time to get such a thing, if I didn't get slimed on the way!"
"I suggest you move expeditiously."
Norton sighed. What an uncompromising tyrant! "I'll try."
The owlish head faded out. Dursten turned off the screen. "Okay, Bemme," he said.
The Bemme recovered instantly, flipping back onto her hooves, startling Excelsia. "You were pretending!" the Damsel exclaimed.
"Shore, I taught her tricks, like how to play dead," Dursten said cheerily. "Figured it'd come in handy someday. Shore faked out the Genius, didn't it!"
Excelsia's brow furrowed. "But why?"
"Why else, twit? So the Genius don't catch on she's immune to psi, that's why."
Norton remembered. "Geniuses can't touch Bems! That's why they hire mercenaries to do it!"
"Shore," the spaceman agreed. "If he'd zapped her, and it bounced, he'da known. So she played possum, and he figured she was a normal critter."
"But you told him no Bems were here—"
"Right. Bems are male. Didn't say nothin' 'bout Bemmes."
Norton realized that Dursten was more canny than he looked. He had indeed saved the Bemme from discovery and thus enabled Norton to deal. "I thought you didn't like Bems," he said, aware that an exception had been made.
"Well, I know this one," the spaceman said, embarrassed. "She's an orphan, you know, and a good kid. Real smart, too."
There, of course, was the secret to peace; people did not hurt creatures they knew well. Strangers were fair game, but not associates. "It seems I've got a chore to do," Norton said. "Anyone happen to know where the castle of the Eviler Sorceress is?"
"Oh, you wouldn't want to go there!" Excelsia protested.
"I've just got to get that amulet—the sooner the better. So if you'll tell me where the castle is, I'll be on my way."
"Only a heroic fool would brave the Eviler Sorceress in her lair!" the Damsel warned, wringing her hands.
"Surely so."
"I can't let you go alone, Sir Norton,"
she said, troubled. "I will go with you."
"Aw, shux, I'll come too," Dursten said then, skuffling his feet. "You helped me afore, after all."
"But it may be dangerous," Norton reminded them. "I don't want you to take such a risk on my behalf."
"You helped us, we'll help you," Excelsia said, her marvelous bosom heaving with emotion. "It's only right."
"Yeah," Dursten agreed, his eyes goggling with each heave.
"Thank you both," Norton said, moved.
Excelsia described the locale, and Dursten piloted the Bemship there, circling the planet and setting down outside the castle. The Damsel was suitably impressed with the strange flying vehicle, but the Alicorn snorted with something like jealousy.
The abode of the Eviler Sorceress was a gloomy thing, with dark turrets, a dismal moat, and a wolf baying at the wall. A plaque over the front gate proclaimed: ABANDON HOPE.
Norton gulped. "Well, thanks, folks," he said. "I'll take it from here."
Excelsia looked at the castle. Her fair features seemed greenish at the moment. "I'll—I will go with you, Sir Norton," she said with tremulous bravery.
"Shux, me too," Dursten said, though he looked none too confident himself. Perhaps he had hoped the Damsel would let Norton go alone. "I don't hold with none o' this fantasy shimmer nohow."
"I really appreciate this," Norton said, feeling even more grateful than before. Satan had once assured him that he faced no genuine personal danger here, but now Satan was angry. "The Alicorn and the Bemme can wait in the spaceship—"
The Alicorn snorted. "He's coming too," Excelsia said.
The Bemme became a small humanoid robot. "Me too," the screen face said, the screen showing a small feminine mouth.
"But you two aren't even human!" Norton protested. "You have no call to risk your lives for us!"
The Alicorn made a series of snorts. "He says the Latins called him Cornu, horn, before they ever saw the rest of him," Excelsia translated. "The Italians added the article, calling him Licorne, the horn. The Arabs added their article, calling him Alicorno, THE horn. Now he is the Alicorn, and he says he has associated with human beings as long as human beings have existed—maybe longer. That is, with those who know the magic word to tame him temporarily. You have no authority to tell him not to associate now. He can use his horn to detoxify much of the poison of the Eviler Sorceress."
Incarnations of Immortality Page 61
