by Nina Croft
“I love you, too, Jake. I’m just not sure my loving you is enough. I’m not sure I can be what you want.”
For a second, something close to joy flashed in his eyes, and then he took in the rest of her words and scowled. He rolled off her and lay on his back, one hand flung over his face.
“One perfect moment,” he muttered. “You couldn’t just leave it at that, could you?”
“But—”
He sat up and studied her as though she was some interesting specimen. “You know, you like to believe that you’re over the past. But in fact, it dictates your every move.”
She felt the first stirring of her own anger. And she grabbed on to it because it was better than fear or despair or any of the other emotions churning around inside her. She’d told him she loved him. Didn’t he realize how enormous that was? Couldn’t he give her a bit of space to come to terms with it? “Maybe the past is controlling me. But now I need to know that I can look after myself. I’m going to find a new job, move out of my apartment, and then we—”
He sliced a hand in the air to shut her up, and she clamped her lips closed.
“You still don’t understand. You think being on your own means you’re strong, when it actually means you’re scared to love. Yeah, well, you know what? I’m scared as well—fucking terrified. But at least I’m willing to give it a try.”
“I’m not ready for this, Jake. I want to be what you need, but I’m not sure I can.” She hated the hint of desperation in her voice. “Why can’t we be friends? Not forever. Just for now and I’ll try to change. I—”
“Did you honestly imagine that we would have this weekend and then calmly go back to being ‘friends’? I don’t want a goddamn friend.” He said the word as though it were something dirty.
She realized that beneath his smooth facade, he was furious. She’d always known Jake had a temper, but he’d never taken it out on her before.
“Let me be perfectly clear,” he continued. “There’s no more ‘genial boss,’ no more ‘nice neighbor,’ no more ‘fucking best friend.’ I want a lover and I want a wife. And you have to decide if you can be that for me.”
She swallowed. “And if I can’t?”
He looked her straight in the eyes. “Then perhaps we both need to move on.”
She blinked, her breath hitching in her throat. He couldn’t mean it. “Is that an ultimatum?”
“Yes.” He sighed and pressed the back of his skull as though to ease the tension. “Christ, your father warned me you were a problem. I should have listened.”
“My father?” She remembered he’d mentioned her father before. “How do you know my father?”
He pursed his lips as if considering what to say to her. “I think you’d better ask him about that.” He started to say something else, then scowled and got to his feet.
“Come on, princess, it’s time to leave the castle. The fairy tale is over.”
…
Neither of them said a word until they landed back in London.
In a way, Jake was sorry he’d been so harsh. But maybe the truth was all he had left.
He hadn’t meant to tell her he loved her. He’d meant to be patient and show her. But the moment had been so perfect and the words had slipped out.
Poor Kimberly.
She’d looked so shocked. Then sad.
The shock he’d understood—she’d been in denial. The sadness he wasn’t so sure about. He didn’t want her sad. Hell, he wanted to dedicate his life to making her happy, but the sadness gave him hope that his words had sunk in.
And she’d said she loved him. If she’d just given him a little time to enjoy that, then he might not have lost it. Wouldn’t have given her that ultimatum.
She loved him.
But love wasn’t enough.
Hadn’t he shown her that he wouldn’t always take control, that he’d let her take the reins as much as he did? Hell, he’d let her tie him up. That would never happen with anyone else. Did she not realize that he could deny her just about nothing?
No. Obviously she didn’t.
His anger was mounting again.
He reckoned they both needed some time to cool down and consider what had been said. He couldn’t lose her now. He’d almost reached true happiness that weekend.
He landed the helicopter on the rooftop and switched off the engine. They both sat in silence as he waited for the blades to slow. Then he turned to her. “I love you. I’m not going to pretend anymore.”
“I don’t want to pretend either,” she said. “But I am scared.”
“I know. But sometimes, you need to close your eyes and jump and trust that someone will catch you.”
“Like out of an airplane without a parachute. Have you ever done that? Trusted someone to catch you?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I’ve been doing it all weekend.” And he was fucking bruised and battered from all the falls.
Her eyes widened as she digested that comment. But he was through pussyfooting around. It was out in the open now, and he intended that it should stay there.
“Go home, get some rest.” He watched while she fumbled with the harness but didn’t offer to help. “I’ll send someone over with your bags.” Though it occurred to him that she might have run back to her own apartment by the time he got home.
Maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea. He planned to stay away from her for a while. If only for his own sanity.
Chapter Eighteen
Kim couldn’t believe he had given her an ultimatum.
Or perhaps she could. She’d pushed him too far.
Now, she had to decide what to do.
She considered going back to her own apartment. But she’d agreed to stay at Jake’s until the Nadia situation was resolved. And she would not renege on her agreement. At least that’s what she told herself, but she knew it was one more self-delusion. She wanted to feel close to him while she considered her future and whether she was brave enough to make that leap of faith he’d spoken of.
She thought about Jake knowing her father and wondered how the two really tied in together. She hadn’t seen her father in years, and she’d believed he hadn’t cared what happened to her. That he’d washed his hands of her after she married. She hadn’t blamed him, and she hadn’t gone back to see him afterward because she’d been scared of rejection.
Looking back, she seemed to have spent her whole life being scared. Like a rabbit. Never working out what she really wanted and going after it, because then she might fail.
If she stayed with Jake, she’d tie herself to one more man who in the end would see her for what she was—unlovable.
And she’d never faced her real fear, the one that lived in that dark place, because then she might have discovered that her mother had abandoned her because she hadn’t loved her either.
She’d always thought being in control of her life would solve all her problems. Now she knew it wouldn’t keep those she loved from leaving her. Instead, she had to learn to trust that they wouldn’t let her down.
She did pop into her own apartment on the way up to pick up the post, and found a big, official-looking letter lying on the mat. She also needed to collect some clean clothes and something else. In the bedroom, she dug the pink pregnancy test from beneath her underwear. She stared at it for a moment, a lump forming in her throat. She could do this. Just not quite yet. Shoving the box in her bag, she left the apartment.
Once back at Jake’s place, she phoned in to work and got someone else to take her shift. She didn’t think she’d be good for much today; her mind was in turmoil. Part of that was exhaustion; she hadn’t slept much over the weekend. She’d been too busy making love with Jake—because it had been making love, not merely sex. She could recognize that now.
So she took herself to bed. Not the one in the spare room she’d been using, but Jake’s huge king-size bed. The sheets must have been changed because although she buried her head in the pillow, she caught no trace of him. She’d gr
own accustomed to his presence, the scent of him in her nostrils, and she couldn’t settle. In the end, she sprayed the pillow with his favorite aftershave and tried to fool herself that he was there with her.
She woke a few hours later. The official-looking letter lay on the table beside her, and she picked it up and opened it. A smile spread across her face as she read the words. The letter was from Michael’s lawyer. It was a restraining order stating that she wasn’t to go anywhere near Michael. Apparently, there had been witnesses when she kicked him.
Hurray! Michael was scared of her; he was such a worm. As if she would want to go anywhere near him, ever again. The thought made her laugh out loud.
Jake’s words came back to her. The bit about how she thought she’d put the past behind her when it still controlled her every decision.
Of course, he was right. She’d been scared of loving Jake because of her disastrous relationship with her father and her even more disastrous relationship with Michael.
No way was her cowardly asshole of an ex ruining anything else. She remembered him lying on the floor after she’d kicked him—he was a pathetic bully. She had no fear of him now, and from this moment on, she wouldn’t waste a single thought on him.
That just left one more thing to face. Her biggest fear. The one that had haunted her since she was ten. The one thing she had been scared to ask.
She dressed in black jeans, her Doc Martens, and her “Kiss My Ass” T-shirt and headed out.
She presumed her father would be at work. He’d never missed a day that she knew of, and he’d always gone in early in the morning and returned late at night. So she took the bus to his office, close to Westminster. She informed the receptionist who she was and who she wanted to see, but if he refused to see her, there was little she could do—this place had unbelievable security, with armed guards at the doors and the elevators.
The woman spoke briefly into the phone, then turned back to Kim.
“He’ll be down in a moment.”
Her father looked the same and familiar: his tall, lean figure encased in an impeccable pale-gray business suit, his dark-brown hair cut short and brushed away from his bony face. Suddenly, she was sorry that she hadn’t tried to make things up between them earlier.
“Nice T-shirt,” he said drily as he came to a halt in front of her.
“I like it,” she replied. “There’s a coffee shop across the road. Can we go and talk?”
Once in the coffee shop, he slid into the booth opposite her. “So how are you?” he asked.
“I’m good.” She took a deep breath. This thing had festered in her mind for too long. It was time to get it out in the open. “Did my mother kill herself?”
Shock flared in his eyes. He swallowed, cleared his throat. “Why on earth would you think that?”
“I heard you fighting the night she died.”
He glanced away then back at her. “We were always fighting.”
“I know.” She forced herself to go on. “But that night she said that you didn’t love her, that you wouldn’t care if she was dead and then…”
“Then she went out and drove her car into a tree.” He was silent for a moment, his expression bleak. “No, she didn’t kill herself. You remember what she was like. She loved melodrama and she’d said the same thing so many times. She never meant it and she knew I loved her.” He reached across and took Kim’s hand where it lay on the table and squeezed. “Besides, she would never have purposefully left you.”
She slumped in her chair, pressed her free hand to her eyes as she processed his words. Accepted them.
“Kim? You have to believe that. She loved you. She loved us both.”
“I do believe it.” It was the truth, and deep inside her, she felt the poison drain away. Later when she was alone she’d remember the good times with her mother, something she’d never allowed herself to do.
He shook his head, concern etched on his face. “I can’t believe you thought that she committed suicide all this time. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“I was scared of what you’d say. This way, most of the time I could pretend I didn’t believe it, just sometimes…”
When she was unhappy or worried, the idea would rise up and consume her. Those months with Michael, she’d thought about her mother a lot. About how much would it take to drive someone to suicide.
Her father sighed and scrubbed at his short hair. “We were never very good at talking, were we?”
“No,” she said. “We were good at arguing though.”
“We’ll try harder from now on.”
“I’d like that.”
She felt weak with relief. If only she’d had the guts to face this years ago. Her life would have been totally different. She might never have married Michael. But then she might never have met Jake either, and that didn’t bear thinking about. That reminded her there was something else she needed to clear up. Something that had been churning in her mind since she’d discovered Jake knew her father. “Did you employ Jake’s company to keep an eye on me five years ago?”
“Did he tell you that?”
“No.”
He was silent for a minute, and she held her breath. Finally, he spoke. “I didn’t trust your husband. And you were stubborn. You’ve always been stubborn. I wanted to make sure you were safe.”
She should have been mad—this was just another form of control—but all she could think was that he’d cared for her after all. An unpleasant thought occurred to her. “You’re not still paying him to look after me, are you?”
Amusement flashed in his face. “No. In fact, he refused payment after he met you. Said it was a conflict of interest. We argued a little. He wanted to pull you out of there straightaway. I said you had to make your own decision. He came around to my way of thinking, but he wasn’t happy. So how is he?”
“He’s asked me to marry him.”
“Does he know what he’s getting into?” Her father smiled. “Of course he does. What did you tell him?”
“I haven’t yet. I don’t know that I can be what he wants.”
He studied her for long minutes before he spoke again. “Sometimes we lose the people we love through no choice or fault of our own. And we have to go on, even though at the time it might seem impossible.”
“Like you lost my mother?”
He nodded. “You might find this hard to believe, but for all that we fought, I loved her. Desperately.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So am I. But my point is, right now you have a choice, and maybe you need to stop worrying about what either of you want and decide what you can’t live without.”
At his words, she had a moment of clarity. That’s why she’d been fighting her feelings—because she hadn’t been able to contemplate a life without Jake. And if she accepted the lesser deal of being his friend, then she wouldn’t screw everything up and lose him completely.
Loving Jake was a risk, but so was everything that was worthwhile. And if Jake was brave enough to take a chance on her—and she was the much worse bet—then how could she do any less?
A sense of lightness filled her as though a huge weight dropped from her shoulders. She grinned. “I’m going to marry Jake.”
“Good.”
She cast him a sharp glance. “Why? Because he can look after me?”
His eyes widened in surprise. “Are you always this confrontational?”
“Yes.”
“And do you need looking after?”
“No.”
“You and Jake should suit each other nicely. You’re both strong characters. You can stand up to each other.”
Her father thought she was a strong character? That was news to her. She’d always thought he considered her a total wimp.
“We were always too much alike, you and I,” he continued. “And I had no clue what to do with a daughter. If I had, then maybe you would have talked to me about your mother years ago. I’m afraid I failed you, and I’m sorry for tha
t.”
She sat for a minute almost speechless with shock. It was as if her life was being rewritten. They’d both made mistakes, but maybe now they could move on.
“I should have contacted you,” he continued. “But I didn’t believe you wanted to see me, and I knew Jake was keeping an eye on you. He kept me informed on how you were.”
“And I’m sorry I made such a stupid mistake with Michael.”
“I’m sure it was a learning experience.”
“Oh, yes.”
He sat back and smiled. “So will I get an invite to the wedding?”
“I’m hoping you’ll give me away.”
He beamed. “I gave you to Jake a long time ago. You know he loves you?”
“I know.”
“And you love him?”
“Yes. And I’m just about to go and tell him.”
“Can I give you a little fatherly advice?”
She nodded, albeit a little reluctantly.
“We men like the illusion that we’re taking care of our women. Maybe you could remember that in your dealings with Jake.”
“I’ll try.”
…
One more thing to do.
An hour later, she sat on the bathroom floor in Jake’s apartment and stared at the two pink lines.
Apparently, she was going to have a baby after all.
How the hell had that happened? She had a mental flashback to lying naked on Jake’s desk. Oh yes, that was how.
She hugged her knees and waited for the panic to engulf her. Instead, a rising sense of happiness bubbled up inside. She was going to have Jake’s baby.
And maybe, if the baby was a girl, she could name her after the mother she’d always doubted.
But right now, she needed to tell Jake she loved him—this time without the qualification. And she needed to tell him they were having a baby. And finally, that she was going to take his advice and jump. Hopefully, straight into his arms.
First, there were preparations to make. She bathed and shaved and spent ages drying her hair in her just-got-out-of-bed look. Her bags had been delivered while she was sleeping, and she put on new underwear, red lace that she’d bought for the weekend but never got around to wearing. Then added the leather miniskirt, because Jake had seemed to like that. And her cropped red top that showed off her belly button ring because Jake liked that as well.
