Protecting – let me cross that word off the list because where were you GOD? Where were you GOD when my father was having his way with me this past month? I prayed! I actually prayed that you would reach down from your mighty perch in heaven and strike him down as he stood over my bed, contemplating his next fantasy.
Caring – I’ll cross that word off the list as well. If you cared so much for me, you would find a way to deliver me from this personal hellhole.
Loving – Another word crossed off the list. Gosh, you’re leaving me with nothing to work with here. How could you give that sick fuck the ability to procreate? If you loved me, you would not have granted me life as his daughter.
You know what, I BLAME YOU!! I blame you for everything that’s going on with me. How could you stand by and let this go on? My moms’ favorite slogan, which I might add I’m tired of hearing, ‘GOD will never give you anything that you can’t handle.’
I can’t handle this shit! How much more do I have to endure before you step in and lift this heavy burden that I can no longer carry? I’m sinking here! I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded, I’ve shouted, I’ve sank to my knees plenty of nights asking…praying, that you help me make it through this mess. And, still I receive no answer from you. NOTHING!
What do you want from me? What have I done to displease you, to deserve this? Do you enjoy my pain? Do you enjoy my misery? Do you enjoy my helplessness? I have to ask, do you even love me?
You know what, FUCK YOU GOD, FUCK YOU!!
Chapter 5
“What you writing?”
I look up through a veil of tears to see the prettiest chocolate drop of a girl, standing in front of me. Her skin was the color of the richest dark chocolate. Her eyes are big, brown, and round. Her hair was done up in four pigtails. She looked like she was no more than four or five years old.
“A letter to GOD.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to mess with you. You can finish writing your letter. GOD loves everybody, did you know that? That’s what my mommy told me, she also told me that he is my friend and I can talk to him normally. So, I don’t write letters, but I do talk to him sometimes. Just the other day I said, ‘Hey big guy in the blue sky, how about giving me a puppy.’ He hasn’t answered me yet, but he will.” She looks at me with a twinkle in her eyes. “My momma and big brother say that I always mess with people’s private time. Is this your private time?”
She takes in a quick breath and continues to look at me. I mean, she really looked at me. I got the impression that she was seeing a part of me that I was afraid to look too closely at. It’s the oddest feeling, I feel as if she truly sees me.
“What you crying for? Did somebody hurt you? I can tell my big brother, he can get whoever hurt you, he’ll make them pay?” I wiped my face with the back of my hand, realizing for the first time that my emotions have escaped their prison unbeknownst to me.
“I wish!” I mumble to myself.
“You wish what? What’s your name? Did you come to see Kinjy too, he’s my favorite? My big brother brings me here every Friday after school.” She took in another quick breath. She’s taking in breaths as if it’s her personal ammunition. And…here she goes again! I had to smile, how could you not love this talkative little girl.
“You know, my big brother loves me a lot. He like, LOOOVES me a lot! He says all the time; Peanut, you’ve got my heart. Hey, you never told me your name. My name is Peanut. I’m about to be five. My mom says I act older than my age.” I couldn’t hold in the laughter.
This child never shuts up, it makes me wonder how her home life is. I have to admit it’s sort of cute. I bet there’s never a dull moment in her household.
“My name is Amber. Did I hear you right, did you say your name is, Peanut?”
This child is adorable and then she smiled. I can see what her big brothers talking about because she has just stolen my heart. Her smile was like sunshine on the cloudiest day.
“Yeah, I mean yes. My name is, Peanut. Well, that’s what my family calls me. My brother says not to say yeah, always say yes…it’s proper.” I can tell she’s readying herself for another round of questions. I better hop in and ask a few questions of my own before….
“Amber, that’s a pretty name. How old are you? My big brother is eighteen years old. People always ask my momma if she is crazy because she had a little baby and my big brother is so old. But, I’m not a baby. Momma says that I’m her miracle.”
“Peanut…where is your big brother or your mom? Do they let you talk to strangers and run around this big zoo by yourself?”
The little girl gave me a look that was way beyond what a four year old should even express. I could tell she was thinking hard on her response. The look was kind of unsettling.
“I couldn’t wait on my big brother, he’s coming though. He was right behind me, like, right back there when I started running.” She points her thumb behind her back. “I told him that I had to hurry. It was important that I see Kinjy today! I thought he was hurt.”
She quickly turn and run towards the railings that stands in front of Kinjy’s enclosure. I’ve visited Kinjy on numerous occasions, due to this being my sanctuary away from my miserable life. I try to visit at least once a week. On every visit I have seen him pace his enclosure or he’s basking in the sun, this is his normal behavior.
Never have I seen Kinjy give his undivided attention to anyone. He is currently sitting on his hunches as if he were a dog and Peanut was his master. As if, this mesmerizing child commanded him to heel and stay with just a simple look. I could see Peanut’s little mouth moving as if she were actually having a secret conversation that she and Kinjy were only privy too.
“I apologize if my sister made you uncomfortable in any way.”
I turn in the direction of the masculine voice. O-M-G, the person that’s standing in front of me is drop-dead-gorgeous. This had to be “Big Brother”, all six foot plus of him. His skin was the color of smooth milk chocolate and he has big chocolate brown eyes, my favorite. His hair was cut into a fade, his side burns were connected to a neatly trimmed beard. He’s sporting a diamond stud in each ear. His gear, WOW…he was rocking a white Adidas jumpsuit and white Adidas kicks. All that white against the fine chocolate skin, HEAVEN HELP ME, HE – IS - FINE!
I think I stood a little too long gawking at him. The corners of his mouth started to twitch and oh my GOD, I thought his sisters’ smile was sunshine on a cloudy day. That smile…his smile…was the sun to my universe. WHO ARE YOU?
“Are you okay?” He asked me a little hastily. How embarrassing! Amber Wallace struck stupid by a guy. This has never happened to me before. I need to quickly get it together and save face.
“Sorry, caught me in the middle of a thought. Ummm, I was kind of day dreaming. No…Ummm, not day dreaming, but thinking.” Smooth Amber, the guy is going to think you’re some sort of ditzy space cadet. “Hi, my name is Amber. I take it the little sister you’re speaking of is that pretty little thing over there, holding a conversation with a lion she just had to see today.” I extended my arm offering my hand to shake, in a proper gesture of hello. A look of amusement played on his face. “To answer your question, Peanut did not make me uncomfortable at all. She actually cheered up the pretty crappy day I was having.”
“She has that…”
At just that moment the universe stood still as our hands clasped for the hand shake. Whatever laws of attraction coursing through our veins was electrifying. We both gasped at the exact same time as our hands connected.
“She…she…she has that effect on people.” He said bemusedly.
He was finally able to finish his sentence after releasing his hold on my hand. At the moment our hands were unclasped the little person in question came bouncing over to us. Can anyone say perfect timing? Peanut looks at her brother then she looks at me. She turns her head and looks at Kinjy, then back to her brother, and lastly she turns to me with a frown on her face.
“Kinjy’s not hurt,
but I thought…I felt in here that he was hurting.”
She placed her right hand over her heart. At that moment her brother swiftly picked her up and held her tight in his arms. She wound her little legs around his torso and draped her arms around his neck.
“It’s okay Peanut, I believe you. I believe you!” He whispered the words in her ear. He starts to slowly sway his body from side to side, to give his little sister comfort.
“But Chase,” She said in a quiet whisper. “It hurt so bad in here!”
She placed her tiny hand over her brother’s heart. Through all of this I could not move. I could not look away. I could only stare. I felt like I was intruding on the most intimate of moments between the two of them. Should I interrupt? Should I walk away?
I was mesmerized by the gentleness and comfort that he was showing his little sister. He started to walk towards the bench that was located to the right of where we were standing. This gave me the perfect opportunity to walk away, but I couldn’t. As he walked, I followed. As he sat, I sat. As he leaned back on the bench to get comfortable, Peanut snuggled in closer into his chest. His chest, his arms, the space in between his chin and neck were as if GOD himself reached down from heaven and custom fit Peanut into that space. To prove that point, she snuggled into her safe space and he held her tight.
His arms encircled her as if he was her protection from the world. He continued to whisper his understanding, as well as chanting loving words into her ear. I could not move. I could not look away. When was the last time someone ever protected me or comforted me? When was the last time someone understood me… loved me? When was the last time I was encircled by caring protective arms?
Never!
At that moment I grasped my chest. A pain so sharp had me doubling over. The pain of feeling so alone, adrift in a world where no one knows my agony. Tears, so many tears started to flow. I stayed hunched over and shed my silent, painful, lonely tears. Can anyone ever protect me? Could they ever truly love me? These are the questions that usually haunt me in the darkness. These are the questions and emotions that I have locked away in my wishing chest and misplaced the key purposely, because why dream…I will never be free.
“Chase, it’s not Kinjy hurting! Let me down!”
I hear Peanut whispering to her brother. Moments later, I feel Peanut standing on the side of me. I’m too embarrassed to lift my head. I’m embarrassed to show my tear streaked face. A hand, his hand, suddenly, gently rest upon my back. After a few seconds the owner of said hand starts to gently rub my back.
This small gesture of comfort from a person, a stranger, that doesn’t know me, that doesn’t want anything from me, but to comfort me in my time of need. This single gesture released the storm of emotions raging inside of me. There were no more silent tears, no more silent storms.
Peanut leans into me and whispers. “GOD, he does love you Amber.” This statement was followed with a kiss on my temple. I started to shake. I felt as if my body was breaking into.
“Peanut, go see what Kinjy’s doing.” I hear Chase telling his sister.
The comforting hand on my back continues to rub gently, the owner trying to give me what comfort he can. He never whispered the comforting words as he did with his sister, but he stayed and that’s all that mattered. This small act of kindness is more than anyone in my entire life has ever shown me. But, the shame and embarrassment was too much to handle.
Amber Wallace, crying in front of a total stranger. Chase…Chase Mitchell the new kid…has just discovered that popular, beautiful Amber Wallace isn’t perfect at all.
SHE’S BROKEN!
Before lifting my face and straightening my shoulders, before the reapplication of my perfect armor, I wipe my face with my shirt to remove the evidence of my broken shield. I gather myself, my strength, my dignity and look him in the eyes and…
“Sorry!” I said in a rushed tone. Then, I ran! I ran away from the embarrassment of my broken shield that will hopefully never resurface again.
Dear GOD,
Maybe you think I was a little harsh the other day. Maybe, just maybe, I was a tiny bit upset at you. And, I know, you know why.
I’m writing you today to see if we can start our relationship over, I would like to try something new. Instead of venting my frustrations out on you, can we just talk? I’m tired, tired … so tired of the negative. I’m tired of holding everything inside. I need a release, a release other than my poetry. I need someone that truly knows me, the real me. Not the perfect version of me that I cast upon the world.
Well… the other day I met the strangest little girl. She was so infectious! She took my world from gray skies to blue skies with just her smile. When her “Big Brother” showed up, my day went from blue skies to a sunny summer day. By the end of this little meet and greet, my sunny summer day turned into a cleansing spring rain.
GOD, I truly let my guard down and I did this with a complete stranger. Peanut, that’s the little girl that I met. She started talking about feeling my pain. Where this came from I have the slightest idea. The funny thing is, I was in a lot of pain…emotionally. I don’t know what came over me. The walls that I carefully built around myself came tumbling down. And, guess what? I didn’t fall on my face!
There were strong, silent arms to hold me while my walls crumbled. I wept for my lost youth. I wept for my daily torment. I wept because I was free to do so, without a million questions from the peanut gallery also known as Emily and Keisha. I wept and accepted the embrace because for the first time in my life, I felt safe to come unglued….in his arms…a complete stranger, whom I have been unable to get out of my head.
I’m ashamed to say this, but after I wept…I ran. That night as I lay in my bed, listening to the radio, the most beautiful song came on. It’s as if the words floated from the artist lips, traveled through the speakers and right into my soul. I would like to share it with you.
India.Arie. “Ready For Love” Acoustic Soul. Motown, 2001. CD
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me?
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here
If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart
I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My eyes
My soul
My mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love
I am ready
The part that really stands out for me, as if she hijacked my description of my perfect man, is: “To a man who loves music, a man who loves art, respect’s the spirit world and thinks with his heart.”
I would like to pretend as if I am joking, but…I’m not. Could I put in a special request for one of those, please? If it’s not too much to ask, how about sending my mysterious comforter back to me. I wouldn’t complain!
I think I could be, finally, ready for love! Joking,
but not!
Chapter 6
(Chase Mitchell)
The entire weekend was consumed of thoughts of Amber Wallace. Everything that I have heard about this girl, it just doesn’t compute. While standing back hidden by a tree, I observed Peanut interact with this gorgeous girl. It was refreshing to watch someone besides immediate family take to Peanut, a child who is gifted beyond measure. She is considered weird or a freak by children her own age and by some adults that know us personally.
I was fourteen when my mother gave birth to Peanut. I had the privilege of witnessing, Francis Elizabeth Mitchell’s, miraculous arrival into the world and arrive she did. She screamed and kicked, but as soon as the doctor laid her on mom’s chest all the noise ceased to exist.
Francis was passed to my pops after a while and the look on his face has been seared into my mind forever. Love, that’s what was written all over his face. Love for this little bundle in his arms. Love, for the woman who brought this little special package into the world. When he turned his gaze on me, there was love for his first born son…there was so much love for me.
Spoiled Secrets Page 4
