“I’ve missed you! I’ve really missed you mom!”
“Anything….anything Amber…..you can tell me anything, do you hear me?” Mom, disentangles our limbs to grasps my chin while she vehemently pleads with me to tell her my problems. But, in the end I chicken out.
“Okay mom! I’ll keep that in mind the next time I have a problem. I’ve missed you, I promise that’s all.” I try to wipe the tears from my face, but my mother beats me too it.
“What are you doing home at this time, it’s early?” I try to lighten the mood with a switch in topics.
(Bird chirping ringtone)
I release our embrace and reach for my cell phone that I placed in my back pocket.
Chase Number – Is something wrong?
I shake my head and smile.
My Number (to Chase) – No, my mother is home, I haven’t seen her in a while. I will not be standing you up today, I need time to find out why she is home so early. I just need an hour…ok?
Chase Number – We can reschedule, Peanut will understand! Spend all the time you need with your mother.
My Number (to Chase) – No! I said, I will be there in an hour! Thank you for being understanding.
Chase Number – O.K., I will see you in an hour!
My Number (to Chase) – O.K.
Chase Number – On my previous text I was really trying to be supportive, but I think an hour might be too long. I will tough it out for you….only you, babe!
My Number (to Chase) – All I can say is, WOW! I’ll be there in an hour!
I look up from my speedy round of texting and mom smiles at me.
“Who’s putting that smile on your face?”
“Nobody!” I answered while chuckling.
“Nobody? Maybe I’m getting old because I was under the impression that when a girl smiles like that, it’s because she’s really interested in someone. I know I haven’t been around a lot, but I would like to know who’s putting a smile on your beautiful face.”
Mom states, as she tucks my hair behind my ear. I remember her doing this small jester when I was much younger. I give her another hug and try to change the subject from me, again. I really need to know why she’s at home at this hour.
“Mooooooom!” I drag out the word as if I were a spoiled five year old. This made her laugh.
“Oh – My – GOD, Amber, act your age!”
“Who is putting that smile on your face? I would love to know that. Hell, I’m just as curious as your mother…”
The deep rumble of my dad’s voice vibrates through my back as he stands behind me. How did I not notice that he had entered the room? My heart trips, it actually missed a couple beats before it suddenly speeds to a rhythm that I know will have me passing out soon, if I don’t get it under control. His voice alone renders me immobile. My body as gone still, as if rigor mortis has set in. I know mom is sitting right in front of me and that I need to keep it together, for her sake…for her safety.
I should be putting on my armor, my fake pretty portrait of me, of a girl that has no worries, of a girl who has it all, of a girl who is happy, but for some odd reason I can’t seem to get my mind around the fact that I’m scared shitless at this moment. I can’t decipher the look she’s giving me, all I know is that I need to tread lightly. I need to get it together! My dad chuckles, bends forward, braces his hands on my shoulders, and attempts to place a gentle fatherly kiss on the top of my head.
Without thinking my body reacts, I do something that has never been done before; I recoil from his touch. It was a slight rebuff, but he notices and his grip tightens its hold. I feel trapped, confined, exposed, enraged, scared and helpless! What do I do? What do I say? I need to get it together and fast. I keep repeating the same thing in my head, but my body will not correspond to the demands of my fragile mind.
“Wh…whhaa…what did you say?” I stutter my question while standing there trapped in his hold. The unexpected laughter that explodes from his chest is unnerving.
“Do I make you nervous or something? I walk in while you and your mom are talking about girly shit…smiles and what not. I’m as curious as your mother. Now tell us, who’s putting that smile on my baby girl’s face. It’s not like I’m going to hunt him down and kill him! Fuck Amber, lighten up!”
He pats my shoulder in a silent warning and proceeds to bend to place another kiss on my head. I make no sudden movements, I stand in place and acknowledged his warning. I stealthily glance at mom and notice that look again, the look of confusion. She mustn’t find out! That’s the warning that I was given, a silent demand that I fix my fuck-up. He moves from behind me and walks over to the refrigerator to grab a beer.
I try not to draw attention to myself as I maneuver to the wall so that it’s against my back. I don’t know about any other prey, but when a predator is on the prowl, I find it comforting as the chosen target to always keep my back against the wall. By securing my back, this lets me see the threat full on. I feel my back hit the wall. I can finally take a full breath….no more sneak attacks.
For now…
Caged
Who has captured me?
Who has confined the swan; GOD has graced me to be?
Who has reduced me to a caged duckling?
Who has plucked my beautiful feathers so, that I might not take flight and soar away in the deepest, darkest of nights?
Who has clipped my wings to further my plight?
I am not meant to be caged!
I am not meant to be grounded, hounded, poked nor prodded!
My wings are not meant to be plucked, pulled, clipped nor damaged!
I am a swan.
I am meant to be what GOD has graced me to be.
I will overcome.
I will persevere.
I will break these chains that confined me to this single cage here!
Soon, there will be no plight.
Soon, I will break these chains and take flight.
Soon, I will be free from my captures tyranny.
Soon, I will stretch my wings and soar because it’s meant to be.
Soon, I will be free!
Chapter 11
“Mom, are you going to tell us why you’re home?”
“I’m home because I want to be home.”
“Mom, come on, be serious. What are you doing home?”
“I told you, I’m home because I want to be home. What else do you want to hear?”
I stand there and wait for a better explanation because, “I’m home because I want to be home”, is so anticlimactic. I’m thinking there has to be something else…something more. I glance over to the kitchen island where dad has decided to stand, to see a look of confusion mar his face.
“Stop playing games with us darling, what’s got you home at this hour?”
“You two act like it’s a crime for me to be home! This is still my house, isn’t it? The last time I paid the mortgage; my name was on the mortgage payment receipt, wasn’t it?”
“Sweetheart, it’s not that at all. We are very happy to see you here, it’s just out of the ordinary for you to be home at this hour. That’s it, nothing else! So, why don’t you tell us what’s going on.”
I stand back and watch my dad try to rectify the situation. At this moment all sorts of things are going through my head, like, did she get fired? With all the strange looks she’s been giving us, has she figured out something? I really don’t know what it could be.
“Okay, I think we have a huge problem in this home that’s been overlooked for a long time. I have been racking my brain on how to bring the subject up to the both of you. I’ve wanted to talk to you both sooner about this, but with our schedules we’ve been missing each other.”
I glance at my father to see him quickly glare at me, then just as quick he schools his face to blankness. Dread fills me at the thought that she might know. What will he do if she finds out? She knows! That’s the reason for all the weird looks she’s been giving me. He will…NO, he is goi
ng to kill her! That’s what he told me he would do and he’s crazy as hell! He will….OH MY GOD, this sick bastard will try to kill my mom!
I’m like a trapped bird, frantic to escape my enclosure. My eyes start to dart around the room for a quick escape. My eyes dart one last time to the right where I plan to run through the back door, but instead of viewing my escape, my eyes collide with my father’s death glare. I gulp at the mere sight of the poison leaking from his eyes…SHIT!
Somehow, in the time I’ve spent panicking he’s read my mind and has blocked my exit. The crazed smile he sends my way says without words, I’ll do it, I’ll kill the bitch. Then I can have you all to myself. No, I’m not psychic; I know this smile, this venomous look and the unspoken words his crazed stare holds because his words have not always been unspoken.
He has always been boisterous of his intent, when it comes to me. His words have always been vocalized. He started whispering his not so idle threats in my ear since I was a young whelp, I had barely turned twelve. I stand here against the wall protecting my back, looking at the death of me straight on. This is the moment when something deep down… clicks……I can feel the change in the deepest part of my soul.
I will not allow him to harm her. Beat me, chock me, slap me, rape me….I don’t care anymore! I will not allow him to harm my mother. As for me, the damage has been done. What else can he do to me? WHAT ELSE…NOTHING!! This bit of enlightenment strengthens my core. It gives me the courage to stand straight and internally say, no more. I’ve decided to no longer cower. This decision gives me the strength to look the death of me straight on and I’ve decide to return his manic glare, with one of my own.
My glare says, FUCK YOU BASTARD! YOU’VE DONE YOUR BEST TO BREAK ME AND I’M STILL HERE! YOU WANT TO PLAY….GAME ON MOTHERFUCKER!
“Mom, I have something to tell you….”
“I’ve taken a leave of absence because I’ve missed you two. I need to spend more time at home being a mother and a wife.”
“WHAT?” This was the combined response from my father and me.
“I’ve decided to take a leave of absence for a while. Amber, the whole incident that landed you in the hospital put the nail in the coffin for me.” Mom looks towards the ground and shakes her head repeatedly. “I’ve been so negligent with the two of you. I haven’t really been a mother and you…” she looks at my father, who once again is wearing his blank expression.
“You, I don’t know why you haven’t run for the hills yet. Our relationship has been more friends than husband and wife for years.” She starts crying and I can do nothing, but stand in utter shock.
“How have you two managed? I know a marriage goes through its ups and downs. But, I never thought of our marriage in the sense of ups and downs or good and bad. I was content with; he’s my partner and my best friend, until that day when my daughter landed in the hospital. That’s the day I really thought about it. I haven’t referred to you as my husband in a while. Honey, I miss my husband! Sweetheart do you even realize how long it’s been since we have been intimate?”
Mom continues to look at the ground as she purge her feelings. I hope she feels better after she’s through because I sure as hell will NOT be okay. Each word of longing that flows from her mouth is a blade to my heart. She misses her husband. Why has he not left her? …haven’t been intimate in a while. This is too much for me to handle right now.
I look to where my dad is standing, to find him not looking at my mother, but glowering at me. He mouths the word, “NEVER”, to me. I’m confused and shocked. His wife, my mother, is spilling her guts and he doesn’t care one bit. Instead he chooses to silently communicate to me. Never…never what? Never will he have sex with her again? Never, will he let me go?
NEVER…NEVER…NEVER, WHAT? I’m trying in vain to figure out what his one word declaration meant, when it dawns on me to just let it ride. What I have learned over the years is that I cannot explain or rationalize this crazed man’s thoughts. He always explains his actions in his own time. And, just like every other crazy person out there, most of the time their explanations only makes since to themselves.
So, I stand there speechless and while I stand staring mutely, he decides to continue his silent dialog. He mouths, “FUCK HER”. He points to me and walks over to my mother. I must admit that it’s a sad sight to see my mother huddled and folded within herself. My mother… hands covering her face, as her body shakes uncontrollably from the sobs escaping her mouth.
I’m saddened to see her crying and pleading for a man that will destroy her once she stumbles across the truth of his treachery…our treachery. I’m saddened because I know her love is true. I know that she wants her family, her daughter, her husband. But, I’m also pissed off! I’m pissed because I don’t understand how a mother can be so blind to love, to a man, to life, too not be more observing of what’s going on around herself. How can she not be more vigilant of my wellbeing, her own daughter? Her only child! I DON’T UNDERSTAND! I don’t know what to think. Lost! That’s what I am, lost in turmoil…lost in a situation that seems to not have a happy ending from my viewpoint.
He wraps his arms around her shaking shoulder and without taking his eyes off of me.
“Don’t worry babe, I’ll never let you go. Never! Don’t you ever forget, YOU – ARE - MINE!”
His eyes never leave me through his declaration, even as my mother jumps from her seat and buries her head in his chest. He absently rubs her back as he penetrates me with his possessive glare. I’m a moth to their flame. And, unbeknownst to anyone else in the room, I’ve just been burnt by my mother’s declaration of love and longing. The gavel has been slung and my sentence has been read.
My hard earned courage disintegrates from this crazed man’s silent possessive words. On one hand, I’m glad mom is home because she can now run interference and I’ll have the time to do as I please. I’ll have the freedom to discover who I am. But, in the back of my mind I worry about the ramifications of her being home.
My father is a smack whore, better yet, an Amber whore. Can anyone tell me what happens with a junkie who has been told they can no longer have their dope? Once they get their hands on it again, they use it until it’s gone. They overdose and binge on their smack delight until they get their fill. Lord knows, I don’t want to be anyone’s smack delight, but the look he’s giving me, I can tell…
The withdrawal has begun and the junkie is no longer happy. The question is, how long before his withdrawal reaches a critical level? And, the most important question is, will I survive when he finishes with his fix? In the meantime, until that time comes I have been blessed with the sweet smell of freedom. I have lived so long in the confines of a cage that has been constructed by a madman, that this temptation…this freedom, will be snatched up, inhaled and consumed by me.
I will indulge myself on my short reprieve of freedom because I am no fool. I will be captured and caged again by the madman. But, until that day comes…..I will bask in the light because I will be FREE!
Freedom
Click
The sound of a lock.
Bang
The sound of a body…a person… that has truly gone insane. Insane to think that I might be free.
But – My shackles have lost their manic grip on me.
COULD – I – ACTUALLY – BE – SET – FREE!
Clatter
My feet are no longer cemented to only one spot.
My body loses its battle and I just drop.
After my eternal struggles, I stand.
I need to gather myself and discover this new land.
I can finally see…
Beyond my enclosure…
Beyond my shackles…
Beyond my sight, my plight, my nightly visits that seems to never stop…
Beyond my daily fight, my tormented nights…
Beyond my ups and downs…believe me; I can keep going around and around!
Shatter
I might be playing with
the thought, that I have gone insane. But, I will never be mistaken as being deranged.
So…I take my chances!
I RUN
I CHARGE
I STRETCH OUT MY ARMS
I GRIP WITH MANIC DESPERATION AT THESE FUCKING BARS
I PUSH
I PULL
I RATTLE
Until it gives way and my enclosure breaks and shatters.
I take a moment to view this destruction created by my own hands. How many years have I suffered and lain in despair?
I take in clean air… which, cleanses away my….
MISERY
DESOLATION
HOPELESSNESS
ANGUISH
GLOOM
DEPRESSION
Spoiled Secrets Page 9
