She'd never forgotten her mother's reply: "If you ever have to ask yourself if you're in love," she'd said with a secretive smile, "then you're probably not."
Suddenly Jenna couldn't help but recall the moment last night when she hadn't been able to tell Neil she loved him.
Marie reached out a hand to cover Jenna's. "You're not having second thoughts, are you, dear?"
Her reply was a long time in coming. "Neil is everything a woman could possibly want in a man. He's mature, nice-looking, attentive, and he has a very good job. Yes, he was a prize catch, according to her friends in E.R.
"That doesn't tell me much, Jenna. You say Neil is everything a woman could want in a man, but is he everything you want? You know I like Neil," Marie said slowly, "and I'll be more than happy to have him as a son-in-law, but we're talking about your happiness. And what you just said sounds strangely like an excuse." Her mother gave her a long, thoughtful look. "None of us needs excuses for loving, Jenna. Do you?"
Jenna looked down to where her hands rested in a white-knuckled grip in her lap. This time she didn't answer—though not because she didn't want to. She couldn't.
All of a sudden she didn't know.
***
Things didn't fare well at all with Neil that night. The changing expressions on his face would have been rather comical if the situation hadn't been quite so serious. Jenna could almost see the wheels turning in his head. At first he looked totally blank when she mentioned the term "surrogate mother." An extremely brief look of amazement came next, followed by disbelief and then what she really hadn't expected to see--a cold-faced fury. In fact, if the truth were known, she had been much more worried about Megan's and Ward's reaction than Neil's.
"Damn it, Jenna! How could you do something so harebrained, so foolhardy, so thoughtless?" Neil slammed his fist down on an end table and glared at her. "You, of all people!"
"Why, thank you. I'll take that as a compliment!" Her voice dripped icicles as she watched him pace around her living room. "It wasn't thoughtless, Neil," she countered harshly. "I knew exactly what I was getting into."
"And did you think about how you might feel five or ten years down the road? Did you ever think about how you're feeling now!"
When he threw her another furious glance, Jenna dug in her heels and prepared to do battle. Good Lord! Did he think she had gone into the arrangement blindly? Even if she had, the Garrisons' attorney, Ron Brewster, would have enlightened her in no time flat! Over and over he had stressed that they wanted someone who fully understood what she was getting into. And she had spent months and months preparing herself not to feel the way she did right now.
So what had happened?
She brushed aside the disturbing voice as quickly as she did Neil's accusations. "Of course I did," she told him tautly. "I didn't let myself think of it as my baby—it was their baby. All I did was give Robbie a temporary home."
"Robbie? The baby was a boy?"
Her chin held high against his accusing voice, she nodded.
"How old, Jenna? How old is he?"
"He's three years old," she said quietly.
Neil dropped into a chair. He sat there, his hands propped on his knees, his forehead supported by his fingertips. When he finally looked across at her, his eyes had lost some of their fierce glitter, but his voice was bitter and flat.
"Damn it, Jenna, I can't believe it! A stranger! You had a stranger's baby!"
"They weren't strangers, Neil. Not from the minute I saw them, and especially not after I met them."
"And that's supposed to make a difference?" Anger hardened his features. "You got all cute and cozy with the husband and that makes it all right?"
Jenna could hardly believe his outburst. "I didn't sleep with him," she said sharply. "Artificial insemination is about as cold and sterile as you can get! You're an attorney. You should know how it works!"
"I know all I care to know, and believe me, you just took the words right out of my mouth. 'Cold and sterile' is exactly the way I see this whole thing! How much did they pay you?" he demanded.
"Very little!" she shot back hotly. "I was off work for less than six weeks and I accepted only what I lost out on salary. And the fee didn't even play a part in why I did it! Just the other night you were spouting off about wanting a home and a family, but you 're the one who's cold and unfeeling! Is it so hard to understand that someone else has that very same need?"
His eyes remained locked with hers endlessly. Then finally he shoved an agitated hand through his hair. "All right, you've made your point. But we're getting married in less than six weeks, and besides, I can think of a dozen reasons right off the top of my head— moral, ethical and legal—-why this shouldn't be a proving ground for childless couples."
"I'm not saying it's the answer for everyone." Her tone was quiet as her anger began to abate. "But it was right for them, and it was right for me, and I'm not sorry I did it." She hesitated. "Only I have to see Robbie again."
His eyes locked with hers, probing, questioning— and still angry.
"I'm not sure I can explain exactly why," she said with a feeling of helplessness. "I only know that it's something I have to do." She swallowed uneasily before forcing herself to go on. "And then—then you and I can go on with our lives together."
The harsh, grating breath he drew was the only sound in the room. "I think you're asking for trouble, Jenna. I'm not even sure I should let you do this—"
She shook her head quickly. "You can't stop me, Neil." Her voice was very quiet, yet there was an unmistakable ring of finality to it. "No one can." She paused. "Please, try to understand—"
"I don't understand," he cut in abruptly. "And even if I could, I think you picked one hell of a time to go running off! In case you've forgotten, we're getting married six weeks from Saturday!" He whirled around and headed for the front door. "If it's not too much trouble—" he threw the clipped words over his shoulder "—give me a call when you get back."
With that, he walked out on her for the second time that week. Silently Jenna made her way over to a chair and sank into the cushions. It was, she realized shakily, perhaps a good thing that she was leaving for a few days.
It would give her some time to think about Neil--something she realized she desperately needed to do.
CHAPTER THREE
The drive north filled one of the longest days of Jenna's life. Anxious to arrive in Plains City, she'd felt the long hours stretch out endlessly, particularly the last half-hour after Waco. Her muscles were cramped and aching from the hours spent in the driver's seat, and her frame of mind nosedived even farther when a fan belt broke just outside of Abilene and there was a two-hour wait trying to find a service station willing to repair it. And the matter wasn't improved any when her little Toyota became testier yet and she had a flat tire a mere half-hour after she'd finally gotten started again. Tired and frustrated, she finally arrived well after ten o'clock. She pulled into the first motel she saw and crawled into bed, exhausted.
She shielded her eyes against the bright glare of the sun when she stepped out of her motel room the next morning, looking up and down the main thoroughfare of the sleepy little town. There was a market, a hardware store, a feed supply store, a barber shop and a cafe.
It was in the direction of the caf6 that Jenna guided her footsteps. She had awakened ravenous, since she'd been too tired the previous night even to bother searching for a place to eat. Stepping inside, she glanced around the matchbox-sized interior. There was room for perhaps half a dozen people at the small counter, and three well-worn booths lined the wall. The fragrant smells wafting from the kitchen sent hunger pangs growling anew in Jenna's stomach.
She sat down on one of the stools near the counter, waiting her turn while a threesome in one of the booths was being served. She looked up when the waitress, dressed in a crisp blue uniform and jaunty cap, approached her.
"Hi." Fresh-faced and open, the woman flashed a wide smile. "What can I get you
?"
Jenna smiled back and eyed the hand-lettered menu before making a quick choice. "How about coffee and a cinnamon roll to start with?"
"Comin' right up."
Her eyes widened when the waitress placed a Texas-sized roll in front of her and a cup of fresh hot coffee. Pulling the warm, fragrant roll apart with her fingers, she savored the spicy taste of the cinnamon and gooey icing, resisting the impulse to lick her fingers.
"More coffee?" The waitress returned a few minutes later with the carafe in her hand. Jenna placed her hand over her cup and shook her head quickly. "How about another roll?"
"No, thanks." Jenna smiled and indicated her stomach. "It was delicious, but I couldn't take even one more bite."
"Not many people can handle more than one of Herb's cinnamon rolls." She grinned. "Fact is, he makes the best rolls in town."
Jenna nodded politely and commented, "It's so quiet here; it's hard to believe that Abilene is less than thirty miles away."
"It's not always like this," the waitress said with a wink. "After dark things tend to liven up a bit. You know how some men are about dropping in for a few beers after work—" She shook her curly head and grinned. "They talk about women being no better than a bunch of cacklin' hens when they get together, but I'll never believe it."
The waitress took advantage of the lull in customers and returned the coffee carafe to the hot plate, then came back to Jenna. The look she gave her was amicable but inquisitive. "You stayin' at the motel across the street?"
Jenna nodded.
"Just passing through, I'll bet."
"Yes and no. Actually, I hope to be staying a few days." She hesitated, but couldn't help responding to the woman's friendliness. "I'm here to see the Garrisons—the Ward Garrisons. Do you know them?"
"Not personally." The woman shook her head, and a shadow passed swiftly over her face. "Don't see much of him anymore since... well, that's beside the point." She eyed Jenna curiously. "Are you a friend of the family?"
"A friend of the family?" For some reason the term sent an unexpected pain shooting through her heart. On blood ties alone, she was practically a member of the family. She resisted the impulse to laugh hysterically. Instead she gathered herself quickly under control and nodded. "Megan and I... were good friends some time ago. But I'm afraid I've lost the address after all these years." She tipped her head to the side and smiled encouragingly. "I don't suppose you happen to know where they live?"
The waitress shook her head apologetically. "Sorry—no. Wait a minute!" She snapped her fingers, already heading toward the kitchen. "I'll bet Herb knows. He's lived here forever."
"Take the first road to the left heading north out of town. Turn left again at the first intersection," she announced, bustling through the double doors a moment later. "It's the house at the end of the gravel road. Only one there, so you can't miss it."
"Thanks so much. I'll just be on my way, then." Jenna smiled gratefully and paid for her breakfast. Glancing back, she saw the waitress gazing after her with an odd look in her eyes. Jenna sent a little wave over her shoulder as she exited the tiny caf6.
She quickly walked across the street to where her car was parked in front of her motel room. She inserted the key in the lock, but suddenly she stopped, one hand poised on the dark blue roof as her mother's words from yesterday came back to her. How would Megan feel about her dropping in without any warning? It could be quite a shock, she suddenly realized. For a moment she hesitated, temptation almost overruling reason in this instance. Then, with a sigh, she turned and trudged the few steps to her room.
Inside, she sat down on the double bed and reached for the phone. The Garrisons' phone number popped into her head without conscious thought, and for a moment she sat stunned. Why was it that she remembered it after all this time? Was it because she hadn't wanted to forget? Her hand gripped the receiver as she recalled the last time she'd telephoned, to let them know her labor had started. Once again she could hear Megan's ecstatic voice coming over the wire.
"Oh, Jenna, I can't believe it! It's finally about to happen! A baby—our very own baby! We'll be there as soon as we can."
The memory was both poignant and sweet, and Jenna took a deep, shuddering breath to force back the odd sensation gripping her heart. She punched out the number with steady hands, aware of a faint flutter in her chest as she eased back on the bed and waited.
The phone rang once, twice and then again. Jenna felt her heart beating crazily.
"Hello?"
She couldn't prevent a note of breathless excitement from entering her voice. "Megan?" She sat forward on the edge of the bed, her body taut as a bowstring. "Is that you, Megan?"
There was a long silence, and then a female voice demanded, "Who is this?"
Recoiling from the sharp tone, she shifted uneasily as she realized it wasn't Megan who had answered. "I... my name is Jenna Bradford." She heard a soft gasp but paid no mind. Her tone was cautious but hopeful as she spoke to the woman on the other end of the line. "I've just driven all the way from Galveston and I was calling to see if I might be able to see—'' Robbie. She stopped the word from slipping off her tongue just in time. "Megan," she finished hastily. A little puzzled by the awkward silence that followed, she bit her lip. "I'm sorry...I must have dialed the wrong number."
"No. No, this is the right number."
The admission came readily enough, but there was something in the tone... it was brusque, even a little hostile. Jenna's words were polite but guarded. "If I have the right number, then who are you?"
Again there was a long empty silence before the unknown woman spoke. "Eileen. Eileen Swenson." She seemed to hesitate. "I'm Ward's sister."
Ward's sister. No wonder the surprise at her name. "Then you know who I am," she said softly.
"Yes—yes, I do. And I think I know why you're here."
There was no denying the challenging note in Eileen Swenson's voice. If this was any indication of how Megan or Ward would feel... She could only pray it wasn't. She prickled a little but said politely, "If it's not too much trouble, could you put either Megan or Ward on the phone?''
There was a seemingly endless silence. "Megan's dead," the woman finally said quietly.
Dead...Megan was dead. Her mind reeled. It didn't seem possible. She'd never known her, not really. Was it possible to mourn someone's death without ever really knowing that person? But certainly Jenna knew all she needed to know. Megan was a warm, vital woman whose capacity for love went far beyond any ordinary measure, if indeed love could be measured. A dozen questions tumbled around in her brain. How had Megan died? And when? She couldn't suppress a burning feel of resentment against Ward for not letting her know, even while the rational part of her argued there was no need for her to know.
But suddenly she remembered Robbie. Megan was gone, but did that change anything? Her reason for being here? No.
"I'm sorry," Jenna said softly. "When... ?"
Eileen Swenson had no trouble understanding. "About a year and a half ago."
She twirled the cord around her finger and thought a moment. "Mrs. Swenson, I'd still like to talk to Ward—"
"He isn't here."
Jenna took a deep breath. "Then could you give him a message for me?''
"I'm sorry. I—I don't know when I'll see him again."
The woman was beginning to sound a little agitated. "Look," Jenna said evenly, choosing her words carefully. "I'm really not here to cause trouble, but don't you think you should let Ward decide whether he wants to talk to me?"
"I'm not lying," the woman defended herself. "He isn't here and I couldn't say when he'll be back. I only stopped by this morning to check on the house while he's away."
"Where is he?"
"New Mexico. He's working on an irrigation project there."
New Mexico...Lord, and she'd come so far already. Her muscles tensed with an emotion she wasn't yet ready to name. "I see," she said slowly. "Is Robbie with him?"
"No
. He's staying with me. But please don't ask to see him. I couldn't possibly agree without Ward's permission."
Jenna's body went limp with despair. "I understand." Her voice sounded as hollow as she felt inside. She wasn't such a fool that she didn't know that engineering projects sometimes lasted weeks, months even. But suddenly there was a glimmer of life inside her. Surely Ward wouldn't leave Robbie for weeks at a time. "Do you expect him back soon?" She made no attempt to disguise her hopefulness.
There was a heavy sigh on the other end of the line. "I'm really not sure. Early next week maybe, but as 1 said before, I'm not certain." It was obvious the admission was made with great reluctance. "I'll let Ward know you're here... if you decide to wait around that long. Where are you staying?"
"I'll be here," Jenna promised in a low voice. "I'm at the Sundowner Motel." She paused. "Mrs. Swenson...?"
"Yes?"
"I—thank you. Thank you for telling me."
The moment stretched out into a taut silence. When Eileen Swenson finally spoke, her voice sounded oddly strained. "Don't thank me yet. For all I know, you may have made the trip for nothing."
Jenna stared pensively out the window after hanging up the phone. The shimmering sunlight outside seemed a stark contrast to the dark emptiness of her mood. Apparently, all the odds were stacked against her. It had all started with her vague, restless feelings about Neil, and then he had warned her against coming. Then her car had broken down, and now—this. Megan was dead, and Jenna had been so certain she would let her see Robbie. It would be days before Ward returned, a hollow voice inside her protested. Better to go home now and forget she had ever come, forget she had even tried to see Robbie, forget he had ever been born.
The Unsung Hero Page 19
