by Jaime Maddox
P.J. fought to swallow the bile that had risen in his throat, drowning his voice. He’d watched him operate for nearly three years, and he knew The Man let nothing stand in his way. He knew he’d be hurt, maybe killed, if he resisted. What could he say? He turned and was through the door before The Man called him back.
“Don’t forget your money, Little Man. You earned it.”
Chapter Seventeen
Confessions
Alex was troubled by the thought she wanted something she couldn’t have. Britain.
How could she ever have a relationship with someone, dreaming of a tomorrow that might never come? How could she ask that of someone she loved? How could she do that to someone she loved? She couldn’t, and so her relationships with her bed partners had always been superficial. She’d been content with that, until Anke had opened her eyes to something different, and then Brit came along, unleashing within her a hunger Alex had only read about in romance novels. Now she was forced to ask herself the hard questions “What if?” and “Could we?” The answers were as elusive as a cure for the illness that was a focal point of her life and caused all her worry.
Even so, they’d been growing steadily closer since the school year began. They’d become friends. At least they had been, until Alex blew it.
Brit had shared something so personal, and Alex had reacted with such utter and total insensitivity she didn’t see how Brit could ever forgive her. And it didn’t appear she would. Since she’d admitted her virginity, Brit had been avoiding Alex. She was always friendly, always upbeat and enthusiastic, but that night at her apartment had been the last dinner they’d shared. It was the last social time they’d spent together, and Alex couldn’t blame her.
She’d apologized for her rude reaction, but the more she tried to explain, the deeper a hole she dug. She wasn’t judging, or perhaps she was, but it was great to know someone with such principles. Alex hadn’t known any virgins since her first girlfriend. No one that admitted it, anyway.
Brit was special. She deserved someone extraordinary, not someone like Alex, who slept around and didn’t commit, who took no sides and rocked no boats. The impossibility of her fantasy had hit her at that moment as she sat across from Britain on her couch, and all she could do was silently watch her leave, because nothing she could say would equal Brit’s words. And her inadequacies did nothing to quench the thirst she still had for Brit. The fire still burned. She wanted something she didn’t deserve, but she wanted it nonetheless.
And she’d done something else, too, equaling the profound stupidity of her reaction to Britain, perhaps even surpassing it. She’d stopped her medication. Within a week, her back had started aching, and now every sudden turn she made resulted in shooting pain from the base of her spine to the back of her thigh. Even pain patches and pills gave her little relief. She could find no comfortable position for sleeping, and the sleeplessness made her miserable.
But it was time for her six-month checkup with the rheumatologist in Philly, and she hoped to talk to him about an alternative therapy. Perhaps one that wouldn’t kill her but would give her some hope for a future, if not with Britain, then with someone. This was the most important doctor’s visit she’d had in years, and, now, again, Brit was right at the heart of Alex’s thoughts. She’d never had to answer to anyone, but now, she knew she’d have to explain her absence in a way that would appease Brit’s curiosity. She couldn’t just skip school without Brit asking why.
Someone cleared his throat, and Alex looked up at the group of students focused on the exams before them and wished for a moment she was back in school with them, without these worries. In high school all she’d had to worry about was bouncing a ball and finding ways to sneak her girlfriend past Andrew and into her bedroom.
Her gaze traveled to the window and she was shocked to see snow flurries. It was freakin’ October. And then Alex sucked in a breath as she realized she hadn’t bothered to check the forecast. Snow in the mountains would make her morning trip to Philly a nightmare. Pulling out her smartphone, she tapped the WeatherBug icon and checked the news. Fuck! It might snow.
Alex rubbed her hands over her temples. She couldn’t cancel her appointment. It would take months for another one, and her back was in no shape to wait. She’d have to leave tonight. After practice she’d pack a bag and make the drive. The spare room at Kim’s was always available, and she’d make good use of it. What would she tell Kim, though?
They’d been friends for seven years, and Kim knew about the backaches and the freaky rash on her left foot, about the headaches and the occasional pain in her ankles, and the pinkeye that plagued Alex from time to time. She’d never put it all together, though, and since Alex tried to minimize her symptoms and didn’t complain much, her friends hadn’t pressed for details. Kim would wonder about this trip, though, and wouldn’t be put off with a simple answer either. Would she lie? Or was it time to finally come clean?
Discreetly, so her students couldn’t see, she sent Kim a text telling her she’d be in Philly later in the evening and asked if she could spend the night at her place. Within seconds, Kim replied.
Of course. What’s up?
Alex answered her.
I’ll explain later. Wanna meet for cheesesteaks?
Kim’s response came a few minutes later. Apparently she was paying more attention to her class than Alex was.
Call me from Allentown.
Alex sighed as she put away the phone and glanced at the clock. It was already after two o’clock. She’d be in Philadelphia at seven.
She had five hours to decide.
The students began standing and stretching and handing in their tests. Alex stood and reminded them of the ticking clock, and just a few minutes later she was heading to the gym for practice.
The idea of changing her clothing for practice seemed impractical. Brit always did, emerging from the locker room in coordinating sweat suits and sneakers, and Alex always looked forward to seeing Brit’s variety of practice gear. Sometimes, she even changed her earrings if the colors contrasted. Alex merely changed from loafers into sneakers and coached in the same pants and shirts and sweaters she wore during the day at school.
“Nice pants,” Alex said when she saw Brit.
They looked like they were covered in confetti, and Brit wore a lime-green fleece that magically made her blue eyes look green. The shirt pulled the green from both the pants and her eyes, and although Alex couldn’t have imagined it if she hadn’t seen it on Brit, the effect was stunning.
Brit nodded, acknowledging the color coordination of the blue shirt and blue pinstripes in the pants she’d chosen. “You, too.”
Alex looked down at her black pants and nodded. “I’m a wild one, all right. But, hey, at least we don’t clash too badly.” In fact, the blue and green went together nicely.
“I don’t think we clash at all, Alex.”
Before she could catch her tongue, the words slipped out. “Then why are you avoiding me?”
Brit just stared at Alex, literally speechless, and Alex felt like the fool she was. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Forget it. But I want to tell you something.”
Brit’s eyes opened in surprise and she turned to Alex, studying her. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to let you know I won’t be in school tomorrow. I’ll still be at practice—don’t worry. I wouldn’t abandon you. I just didn’t want you to be concerned.”
Brit touched Alex’s arm. “That’s so sweet of you, because I would have been. What’s going on?”
“Ehhh. Doctor’s appointment. Nothing exciting.”
“Is everything okay?” The look on Brit’s face nearly melted Alex’s heart, made her want to pull Brit back into the locker room and tell her everything, and kiss her senseless, too.
“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just a checkup.” Which was technically true. This was her regular appointment.
“Oh, wow. You go for checkups? Maybe I should do that, now that I have insurance.
I never thought of it before.”
Alex swallowed a laugh. “Maybe you should.”
“Who do you go to?”
Just then an errant ball came flying their way, and only Alex’s quick reflexes protected Brit from a concussion, so the issue was forgotten. Relief washed over her when practice ended and she was finally in her car, heading home. It took only a few minutes to pack her bag, and a yogurt appeased her growling stomach before she was on the road. As instructed, she called Kim from Allentown, and by seven thirty they were at Dalessandro’s enjoying cheesesteaks.
“So why are you here? What’s her name?” Kim’s tone was light but her gaze piercing.
“Diona.” Diona was the name of Dr. Prejean’s nurse.
“Is she hot?”
Diona was wider than she was tall, but with a beautiful face and a heart to match. She’d been guiding and counseling Alex for nearly five years.
“She’s lovely,” Alex said truthfully.
“So how did you meet her?”
“She’s a nurse. She works with my doctor.”
Kim chewed, and then the words seemed to register. Her forehead wrinkled as the question formed in her eyes. “What doctor?”
Alex sighed and put on a brave smile. “Kim, I have to tell you something.”
Kim cleared her throat and put her sandwich back into the little plastic serving basket, then took a sip of her drink. She wiped her mouth and waited, not looking at Alex.
“Kim?” Alex asked.
“So, tell,” she said at last, finally turning to face her.
Alex made it short and simple. Kim already knew the symptoms. Alex just needed to fill in the diagnosis to give her a glimpse of the big picture.
“How long have you known?” she asked.
“Five years.”
“So why tell me now?”
“Your place is cheaper than a hotel, and I can’t sleep under your roof and lie to your face.”
Kim laughed. “I guess I can’t argue with that logic.” She cleared her throat again.
“And maybe it’s just time to talk about it.”
“So, are you…okay?”
Alex nodded. “I’m okay. I’m good. Just a little stiff after the ride.”
“That’s…good.”
They both laughed, and Alex pulled out her wallet and paid the bill. Twenty bucks for a night in Philly was very reasonable. Much more reasonable than the overnight parking fee at the garage closest to Kim’s downtown apartment. From there, though, Alex could walk to the hospital in the morning and have no worries about the time.
When they were both changed into their most comfortable sweatshirts and pants, they reconvened in Kim’s living room. “Are you up for a movie?” Kim asked.
“Sure.”
“Or do you want to talk?”
Alex leaned back into the couch and hugged a big squishy pillow. “Let’s talk. How’s my friend Tam?” It was unsettling to think that the three of them had lived together for nearly three months every summer and then could go weeks without having a significant conversation once Alex became engulfed in the chaos of basketball season.
“She loves me.” Kim sighed and leaned back into the opposite corner of the couch. Both of them had their feet up on the hassock, and Alex gave Kim’s a soft kick.
“I know that, silly. She’s always loved you. But what’s happening now? Who’s moving where? What china pattern have you picked out?”
“Huh? How do you know about this shit?”
“Andrew. I bought them a sugar bowl for their wedding shower. It was the least expensive gift on the bridal registry, and it still cost me fifty bucks.”
“Well, if we register you’ll be the first to know. As far as a move goes…I think we should sleep together first. What if we’re incompatible?”
Alex waved her hand in disgust. “What is it with people not having sex anymore?”
“Who else isn’t having sex?”
As Alex looked at Kim, she realized her error. That she was practicing celibacy on the off chance Brit would someday go out with her was absurd. At times she couldn’t believe it, and at other times she was tempted to call someone up or go out to a bar and find someone for a few hours of fun. Just as fast as the thoughts came to her, though, they left and she was alone with her daydreams of the only woman she’d ever wanted who didn’t share her desire.
“No!” Kim practically screamed. “Not you, too?” She buried her face in her hands and faked a sob. “My hero has fallen.”
“Shut up!”
“Seriously, Alex, you’re not having sex? Why?”
Alex pursed her lips, trying to decide if she should tell Kim her feelings about Brit. She’d never disclose the confidence Brit had shared with her, so how could she explain all of her insecurities without divulging their cause? But this was Kim, and she’d already revealed something much more significant than a crush on Brit.
“Because I met someone.”
“Someone who doesn’t like sex?”
“No, you big jerk. I’m just taking it slowly.”
“Why?” Kim asked, the confusion written all over her face.
“You’re so dense. I like this girl. I don’t want to seduce her. I want to date her.”
Kim leaned back and studied Alex, pursing her lips. “It’s Brit, isn’t it?”
Alex swallowed and nodded. “Is it that obvious?”
“Well, I didn’t figure it out until you told me it was someone special, but it makes sense. You’ve been spending most of your time with her.”
“I don’t think she likes me.”
“What? How could she not? You’re tall, gorgeous—don’t make me say any more or I’ll get sick. All the women love you, Alex.”
“She’s different, Kim. I know she’s attracted to me, but I actually think she’s holding my torrid past against me.”
Kim nodded. “I can see that. She’s looking for more than one night, huh?”
Alex smiled. “You know what, Kim? I think I am, too.”
“A lot of other shit goes with a relationship, though. It’s not just having someone around to keep you company. You have to compromise on every aspect of your life.” Kim pointed to the dark-green walls. “The colors you paint your apartment.” She pointed to the couch. “Leather or fabric? Leather’s too cold for some people and fabric gets dirty. What’s for dinner? What movie do you see? What game are you going to watch? Where are you traveling? It’s all compromise. Then there are the problems—not enough money to do everything you want, so how do you choose? What if you don’t like her friends, or she doesn’t like yours?”
“That’s not possible, but I see why it could be a problem.”
“A huge problem.”
“So, is all this compromise giving you second thoughts about Tam?” Alex asked, concerned.
“Absolutely not. I think I’m going to give up teaching and work as a chemist. I have a dual degree. I almost have my master’s. I can move to Maryland and live happily ever after.”
“Even with pastel-colored walls?”
Kim nodded. “Even with.”
“Wow. That’s serious.”
Kim smiled.
“So I should overcome my anxiety and just ask her out, huh?”
“What do you have to lose, other than pride?”
Alex pursed her lips. “There is the matter of this disease, Kim.”
“What about it?” Suddenly fear flashed into Kim’s eyes. “What, Alex?”
“I’ve been well controlled, Kim. But the medication’s really a bitch. It suppresses my immune system, so I’m at risk for infections. And cancer.”
“What kind of infections? What kind of cancer?”
“All kinds of infections, and lymphoma. It doesn’t really seem fair to go into a relationship with someone knowing I’m probably going to die.”
Kim jumped up, the fear on her face evident. “What the fuck are you talking about? You’re going to die? I thought you said you were fine?”
Kim stared at Alex. “So what are we talking about here? Like a one-percent chance of death, or a ninety-percent chance?”
“Single digits.”
Alex could see Kim’s eyes cloud over as she thought about this. “We’re all going to die, Alex. Car accidents, school shootings, cancer. You can’t let this possibility stop you from living your life.”
“It doesn’t seem fair to ask this of someone.”
“Well, this is America and people are free to make their own choices. If she thinks you’re worth it, then it’s her choice. If not, then fuck her.”
Alex laughed. Could it really be so easy? Of course not, because even if Alex decided to go for it and pursue a relationship with Brit, there was the tiny little matter of Brit not wanting anything to do with her.
*
“You are such a sweetheart, Alex,” Diona said as she unwrapped the box of Gertrude Hawk chocolates Alex had given to her. They were her favorite, and unavailable in Philly, so Alex picked up a box from the store near her house before each doctor’s visit.
“How are you feeling?” she asked as she bit into something luscious.
Alex shrugged and sighed. “I stopped my meds.”
“I have a mind to put you over my knee and spank you.”
“I hate it,” she said, trying to control her emotions. “I just want to be normal.”
Diona shook her head. “I understand, Alex. But a war’s going on in your body, and this medication is helping you win it. Think of a bomb going off, of all that destruction. That’s what’s happening to your connective tissue. Little by little, it’s getting destroyed, until one day, your back won’t move. Then there’s nothing you can do. The damage is irreversible.”
Just then, Dr. Prejean walked in. “It sounds like I’m interrupting a serious discussion.”
Alex tried to smile but couldn’t. She listened as Diona told the doctor about her latest concerns.
Dr. Prejean patted Alex’s leg and looked her in the eye. “I can’t guarantee anything, Alex, but this is what I predict. If you take your medication, there is a very small chance you can get sick and die. If you don’t take it, there is a huge chance you’ll live to regret it.”
