by Jay Allan
Kelsey smiled but, noting his distance, inclined her head rather than extending a hand. “I’m Kelsey Bandar. Welcome.”
The light flared again, and the next-to-last subject arrived. Floribeth Dalisay, all 4’ 6” of her, strode into the construct in a bright red flight suit. She looked at BOB behind the bar, but instead of approaching it, as the construct was designed to encourage, she walked over to the table and flopped down on the seat between Ridge and Bethany Anne.
“Oh, she’s fun-sized. She got a name?” asked Standish.
“She’s a feckin’ giant from where I’m standin’,” Artur pointed out.
“Back off, you face eating demon. I saw her first.”
Surprised to see someone smaller than herself—Artur excepted—Kelsey held out a hand to the woman. “I’m Kelsey Bandar. Who are you?”
“Petty Officer Second Class Floribeth Salinas O’Shea Dalisay, Navy of Humankind. My friends call me Beth.”
“I can see why,” Rika said with a soft laugh. “That’s more name than half a ‘toon of mechs have.”
“Lovely to meet yeh. I’m Amanda, this is Bethany Anne, Rika, Ridge and his jar of...whatever they are, Standish, and Charline. Tall, dark, and silent here is Arkarin, and the leprechaun is Artur.”
“Feck you, carrot-top,” Artur snapped, slurping on his straw.
“You know you love me, really,” Amanda replied with a smirk.
Beth’s eyes grew large when Amanda named Artur. “Heck, you’re even shorter than me.”
“How d’ye know?” Artur asked, glaring up at her. “Did it ever occur to ye that maybe I’m just far away?”
“Is that right, Father Dougal?” Amanda cut in, directing her comment to Artur with a cheeky expression on her face.
The little man hesitated, giving Amanda a curious look.
“I have no idea what ye’re on about,” Artur said before turning to Floribeth. “I’m not far away, as it happens, but sure, would it’ve hurt ye ta ask?”
A laugh tore free of Rika’s lips, and she held up her hand to keep from spraying beer across the table. “Stars, can I take you back with me?” she asked Artur. “I want to see you and Barne go at it.”
“I’m used to being the smallest one around, that’s all. You know, thunder in a small package?” Floribeth explained.
Artur shrugged. “Sure, if I keep eatin’ these nachos the way I am, you’ll all soon be gettin’ a blast o’ thunder in a small package, if ye know what I’m sayin’?”
“May I get you a drink, Petty Officer Dalisay?” BOB asked, trying to defuse the situation.
“Coke, please. Lots of ice.”
“May I refill anyone else?”
“D’ye even have to ask?” queried Artur.
Kelsey nodded. “Another ale for me. Since you provided Blackhawk the rarest single malt in the galaxy, perhaps you could bring me the best dark ale in the galaxy this time?”
“What’s a Coke?” Ridge asked curiously.
“A sweetened and carbonated brown beverage that contains caffeine, originally sourced from the kola nut on Earth,” BOB told him.
Ridge stared blankly at him.
“Not a universal constant?” someone asked.
Ridge shook his head.
“Right away.”
“Coke? What’s the matter, can’t take the real stuff” Standish asked.
Floribeth shrugged. “I just like Coke.”
“A woman of very discerning taste.” Bethany Anne lifted her drink. “I’d usually join you with a Coke of my own. And by usually, I mean always.” She twisted her drink a bit to catch the light, “However, with my nanocytes, I rarely get anything so harsh that it does anything to me, and I’ve yet to find this drink in my area of space or time.”
“That’s ‘cause you’ve never tried this,” Standish assured her, shoving over the half-empty bottle of Dalmore.
Floribeth took the bottle and gave it a sniff, then put her hand over the opening, tipping it over twice. Standish gasped. She leveled it, raised her palm to her mouth, and licked, then made a horrendous face.
“What is that garbage? Tastes like turpentine,” she demanded, face still contorted.
“Yes!” Kelsey exulted. “Someone else that feels the same way I do about that stuff.” She smiled at the glares that earned her. “No offense.”
“Maybe, but I’ll stick with Coke, thank you very much.”
“Does Coke have cocaine in it?” Rika asked. “The mechs I was with back in the Nietzchean war got their hands on some once. Only time I ever got a decent buzz without having to drink a whole one of these.” Rika held up the growler before taking another pull from it.
“Unfortunately not, unless BOB can get the original version.” Amanda winked at Rika before glancing at the bartender.
As BOB filled the drink order, the final subject arrived. The young man walked through the door and stopped, followed by a scarred and scruffy orange tabby. He looked behind him as if expecting to see someone there, then sauntered up to the bar, pointed to the door behind him, and asked BOB, “Did you see a Wolfoid and a Lizard Man come in behind me?”
“Welcome to the Multiverse Bar, sir. And no. You entered alone. When you return home, your friends will be waiting for you.”
“I’d hate to think I lost Stinky and Pickles.”
“Now that you are here, sir, may I get you a drink?”
“What do you have back there?”
“Anything you please. Might I offer you a beer, sir? Guinness, Imported. On draft.”
“I don’t know what any of that means.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, just take it and get over here,” Bethany Anne shouted. “I have a soft spot for Marines. Not terribly fond of cats, so your fucking cat has to stay at the bar. I’m more of a dog person.”
“I love cats,” Kelsey declared. “Come over and get some nachos.”
“Marines are okay,” Rika said with a shrug. “Not a patch on a mech, but they’ll do in a pinch. Nachos, however, are right up there as proof that there is a god and that he loves us.”
The cat launched like a rocket from the stool and two hops later found himself sitting in the middle of the table.
Kelsey laughed, delighted.
“What the feck is that thing?” demanded Artur, jumping back and raising his fists. “Is it a fight ye’re after, ye hairy-faced bastard? Ye’ve come to the right place.”
The cat ignored him and settled into a crouch facing Bethany Anne. His yellow eyes glared for a moment, then he swallowed heavily and backed up a step. He laid back down, tucking his paws under his chest fur.
“I like this arrogant little prick,” said Bethany Anne, pointing to the little feline. “Now that I’ve finally decided not to toss him into the Etheric for his rudeness.”
“I think he understands you,” Amanda commented, her wry statement eliciting a laugh from Rika. Amanda gave her a curious look, and the cyborg woman blushed.
“Oh...thought you meant Artur,” she explained quietly.
“Oh! No, no, no, I meant the cat,” Amanda explained. “It’s telepathic. I’ve already said hello to it.”
“In that case, can ye tell it to get its arse out of me face?” demanded Artur. “Or there will be consequences. I won’t bore ye wi’ the details, but there will be consequences.”
The cat glared at Artur for a moment, then slowly licked its lips.
“I’d advise against eatin’ me,” Artur warned it. “Many have tried and lived to regret it. Briefly.”
Cain picked up the glass and followed BOB to the table. He took the last empty seat while BOB passed out the refills, and when the major stared at his cat for a moment, BOB realized that they were somehow communicating. Cain turned to look at Bethany Anne, then back at the cat as if for confirmation.
“Brutus tells me that you’re a queen. Very pleased to meet you, ma’am,” Cain said to her.
“Ma’am?” Bethany Anne almost rose out of her seat. “You think I’m a ma’am?”
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“Oooh, now you’ve torn it,” Amanda commented with a mock expression of shock.
“Oh, and you’re a princess?” Cain asked Kelsey after another moment of silent communication with Brutus.
Kelsey smiled and nodded.
“Well, it’s an honor, ladies,” Cain added.
Bethany Anne smiled and relaxed. “Ah, the innocence of youth.”
“Well, I do feel left out. I dated a princess once. Does that count?” Amanda asked.
“A princess? As in, a girl?” Artur asked. He gazed wistfully into empty space for a few moments, then gave Amanda a salacious wink. “Sure, I’d have liked to have seen that.”
“Well, she was the daughter of what passes for royalty in Terran space, so close enough,” Amanda continued mostly to herself without responding to Artur’s continued winking and puffed-out chest.
“Royalty in Terran space?” Charline asked, surprised. “Where I’m from we don’t have any royalty in Terran space. All of you really are from very different places, aren’t you?”
“Well, we call them Dynasties, but they’re basically royalty. And yeah, I suppose you could say different places, but different universes would be more accurate,” Amanda answered.
“Terrans are a royal pain in the ass,” Rika commented. “And when Tanis gets around to knocking them down, things will be a lot better in the Inner Stars.”
Amanda gave Rika a curious look at that statement but didn’t raise whatever was on her mind.
Ridge seemed to be ignoring the conversation around the table as he scrutinized the cat. “Not a shape-shifted dragon?” he murmured. “Are you sure?”
The pommel of his sword glowed faintly as it communicated telepathically with him.
“If it rolls over and wants a belly rub, I may choose to disbelieve you.”
Meanwhile, Cain continued to address Bethany Anne, ignoring the back and forth between Artur and Amanda. “You seem to be young for a queen, but admittedly, I’ve met no queens before so you’ll have to forgive me,” Cain said, still holding his beer.
“Interesting. So, your cat can talk? Not unheard of where I come from, but uncommon. Nice to meet you, good kitty,” Bethany Anne replied. “And I’m centuries old.”
“I should have brought my cat Samhain. He’s a bit bigger than yours, though,” Amanda added.
“No, ye feckin’ shouldn’t,” snapped Artur. “Sure, there’s already hair in me nachos as it is.”
He peered into the snacks.
“Wait, that’s mine,” he realized.
“What breed is he?” Floribeth asked Cain.
“Half Hillcat, half domestic, but don’t get him started on the bloodline he inherited on his mother’s side. He should be twice the size, but there he is—the runt.”
The air grew chill as the cat glared at the major.
Brutus then stared at the people around the table as Cain scratched behind his ears. Brutus grumped at first but then leaned into his human’s hand to make sure he got the good spots. With his free hand, Cain brought the stein to his mouth, took a sip, and grimaced, coughing before putting it back down.
“You don’t seem to be enjoying your beer, which is very un-Marine-like,” BA accused.
“I’ve never had a beer before. We don’t have it where I’m from.”
“Don’t let anyone give you that single malt turpentine,” Floribeth told him, lifting her Coke.
“No beer? How very unfortunate. Remind me to never visit your home.”
“Yeah, that sounds like a special sort of hell,” Rika added.
“No...bars? Is that what you called it? We don’t have anything like this,” the major explained
“No bars? Now you’re getting downright uncivilized,” marveled Charline.
“You’re the last to get here, so maybe now we can get the show on the road.” Bethany Anne turned to look toward the bar. “Right, BOB?”
“Yes, ma’am, when you all are ready.”
“What show would this be?” asked Artur. His eyes widened a little in excitement. “Is there strippin’ involved?”
Kelsey rolled her eyes.
“I’m already naked.” Rika winked at the tiny man.
“We tell stories to each other,” Amanda explained, pausing to give Rika a bemused shake of her head. “At least, that was what happened last time.”
“Stories? What the hell?” Beth exclaimed.
“So, no strippin’ then?” Artur clarified. “Bollocks.”
“Play yer cards right little man, and who knows?” Amanda winked at Artur. “I’m only one drink in, yeh know!”
“That’s what the fuck we do here,” Bethany Anne added. “Sea stories, they were called. Tall tales that might be true, or maybe not. That’s up to you.”
“Why?” Cain asked.
“Who knows? That was what we did last time, though,” Amanda said. “Some of them might have been bullshit, but that’s okay. They were fun to listen to. I know I’ve got an idea for one already, so why not? We can even make it a contest and declare a winner for most absurd story at the end.”
“A winner for telling the biggest whale tale?” Cain asked.
“A sea story,” Floribeth said. “You call them whale stories?
“Yes, but we don’t have that F-word. We simply don’t use such language.”
Bethany Anne leaned toward him, a smirk on her face, and pointed using her drink, “I am completely fucking appalled and struck speechless. Fuck! I may never speak again. That’s a fuck -my-life-with-a-side-of-crotch-fleas right there. Thanks, you rolling pucker-fucker.”
Artur cracked a grin and gave Bethany Anne a wink. “I like yer style.”
“Fonk. Fark. Frak. Nope. I can’t say it, so I defer to those of you who can.” Cain raised his glass and took a big drink, making faces as he toughed his way past the taste.
Kelsey snorted a laugh in spite of herself and clapped a hand over her mouth.
Rika chuckled. “You wouldn’t make it a fucking day as a mech. Granted, they might cut off the mod that keeps you from cursing. Either that, or it’ll get shot off before long.”
“So we’re supposed to tell each other stories? Who’s gonna start, then? Is there an order?” Cain asked.
“To be sure. You first, Cain. Last in, first to tell. How’s that?” Amanda answered.
BOB stayed silent throughout the exchange. It usually had to prod the subjects to start telling their tales, but Amanda and Bethany Anne had taken charge. Evidently, the Collector had known what it was doing to bring the two of them back.
BOB was merely a tool, nothing more. It was not the Collector. Still, with what passed for artificially generated interest, it stood silently beside the table to listen to the first of the humans tell their “sea story.”
Cain is Able
By Craig Martelle
“A story, huh? My wife Ellie is an engineer. We met in space school—”
“Give me a break!” Floribeth called and turned two thumbs down while pretending to gag.
“Hey! This is my story. I’ll get to the good part soon enough.”
“Sex?” Artur asked.
“No!” Cain shot back. “Marines fight our world’s battles on far-off planets to keep the enemy from coming to our home. We have kicked some serious ass.”
“Get to that part then, fucker,” Bethany Anne insisted, rolling her finger in a “move ahead” motion. “Love stories and sea stories don’t mix.”
“Geez! You people are a little high-strung. You know what would help? A Hillcat would keep you from chewing through nails. Patience is a bitter cup from which only the strong may drink. Brutus, see if anyone wants to come here and help these poor people out.”
No, the ‘cat replied.
Cain stared with an open mouth at the intransigent beast lying in the middle of the table. Brutus rolled onto his back and stretched. BA scratched his furry chest, her smile fading when she noticed the heavy scarring all over his body.
The mirth disappea
red from those around the table. “Battle scars.” Cain rolled up one sleeve to show his own healed injuries. “These are more valuable than any Shooting Star medals. They mean that we survived and rejoined the fight.”
“I suspect you never left the fight, no matter how injured you were. Tell us your story, Major Cain.” Bethany Anne gave the others a look that guaranteed silence for Cain to spin his yarn.
“Ellie’s an engineer, but nothing like Briz. He’s a Rabbit, you see, and he’s crazy genius. Stinky is my right-hand man, and he’s a Wolfoid. We all work for Commander Daksha, who’s a Tortoid. He floats in the air. Can you imagine if he had to walk, how long that would take? We have a Hawkoid called Ascenti and then Pickles, who is good in a fight as long as he has on his skinsuit because he’s a Lizard Man. Otherwise, he dries out.”
“Sounds like a menagerie. So these creatures are Marines? This is your team?” Amanda asked.
“They are my friends, and the Marines I like to have near me in a fight. Anyway, there we were, setting up a bivouac on planet Q-475. We weren’t sure there was sentient life until after we landed the shuttle. Briz...” The looks from those around the table suggested they needed more when he mentioned a name. “Briz, our genius Rabbit engineer, usually stays on the ship, but this time he came with us because of the deposits of Quarillium. He wanted to make sure they were as pure as sensors showed. Our sensors are nice, but the data we get from The Olive Branch in space isn’t perfect.”
“Stop,” Standish insisted. “Let me get this straight. Your spaceship is called The Olive Branch. You don’t have bars. You don’t say naughty words. You won’t talk about nookie. What is this, some Amish cyberpunk colony? You’re as much fun as my LDS Marine buddies. Can’t make any money selling booze to them.”
Cain looked confused.
“Don’t tell me, you don’t know what that is either.” Cain shook his head. “Fine, tell us a story and get to the good part. My eyes are starting to bleed.”
Bethany Anne’s palm flew to her face as her drink came spitting out. “Sorry,” she mumbled as BOB gave her a napkin. “That was fucking hilarious!”
