Doug sighed and pushed away his food. ‘Pamela wasn’t demonstrative because she never learned how to be. She had a rather strange upbringing. Her parents were decent people but detached. The first real love Pamela experienced was mine and she didn’t know what to do with it. Any public display of affection embarrassed her and made her uncomfortable. I thought I’d break that down in time but the more that I tried, the further she retreated. Finally I stopped and played around a little, just flirting. I thought if I made her jealous it would provoke a reaction.’
‘But it didn’t?’
He shrugged. ‘Pamela just ignored it and carried on as normal. I assumed that meant she didn’t care, and I got harder and’ – he sighed – ‘crueller.’
‘You didn’t know that she wanted children, Doug,’ she consoled him.
He looked at her, his eyes full of guilt. ‘I did, Suzie, but I kept saying no. The last time she brought it up, she was in her mid-thirties. It was almost a throwaway remark, something like, “Are you sure you don’t want a family, because the clock is ticking?” And I said no and . . .’ She saw him struggle with his feelings. ‘She was sterilised.’
Suzie stared at him, shocked. ‘What?’
‘Apparently, she had some gynaecological problems and her doctor advised that, if she didn’t want children, she’d be better off without her womb.’
‘I didn’t know.’
‘Neither did I, but it all came out the day Jess was born. I remember thinking it odd when she told me she was going on holiday with a couple of girlfriends. She’d never done that before and she wasn’t close to any of the women she knew. It turns out she was in a private clinic in Dublin. She was torn apart with remorse afterwards. That’s when her problems really started.’
‘The bulimia?’ Suzie said, remembering noticing Pamela’s strange eating habits.
He met her eyes and nodded. ‘All my fault.’
Suzie pressed her lips together. She felt angry with him and pitied Pamela. The poor woman must have been devastated and she’d suffered through it all alone. Suzie was beginning to regret pushing him to talk. She felt like tearing into him, but what good would that do now? Anyway, in the end, the couple had resolved their differences and he’d been the perfect husband.
‘Why didn’t you want kids?’ she asked instead.
‘Honestly? I never fancied the hassle and, selfishly, I hated the thought of Pamela’s body being taken over like that. When I got to know you and lived through the pregnancy with you, and then Jess came along, it changed everything. But it was too late.’ He gave a wistful smile. ‘So Pam and I concentrated on Jess instead.’
Suzie swallowed the lump in her throat and her anger disappeared, leaving her feeling sad. Poor Pam. Suzie vowed to be nicer to her kids and to Bobby. Her family meant the world to her and she couldn’t imagine a life without them.
‘You know, you could still tell Jess,’ Doug said. ‘I got a lot wrong and I’ve much to be ashamed of. But you, Suzie? What did you do except get carried away one night when you were happy, carefree and a little drunk? Do you honestly think anyone would condemn you for that, least of all your daughter?’
Suzie shook her head.
‘Like I said,’ he said with a kind smile, ‘it’s never too late. If I hadn’t come to my senses that day and confronted Pamela, I’d never have had those last wonderful years with her.’
Suzie looked at him, shaking her head. Was he for real? Just when he and Pam had sorted out their differences, the poor woman had been diagnosed with liver cancer. Those last ‘wonderful’ years had been peppered with visits to doctors and consultants, time in hospital and the pain of watching a beautiful woman turn into a frail skeleton.
‘What?’ He raised his eyebrows.
‘You could hardly call it a wonderful time, Doug.’
He thought for a moment and sighed. ‘Perhaps not, but at least we were finally close and able to truly support each other. And, believe me, she supported me just as much as I supported her.’
Suzie absorbed this. Had she ever had that with John? She’d thought so to begin with but, when she looked back, she remembered the guilt she’d felt at almost apologising for her daughter’s existence.
It wasn’t that she was ashamed of Jess. Suzie had just been embarrassed about being an unmarried mother. Still, she didn’t think Jess had ever been aware of John’s indifference or felt left out. Suzie had more than made up for it, almost neglecting the other two when they were babies in her efforts to make sure that Jess didn’t feel threatened by the new additions to their family.
‘I think it would bring you and Jess closer if you told her the truth. Think about it.’
Suzie shook her head. ‘Shut up and eat.’
Chapter Thirty-Four
Realising it was probably a little early for visiting, Jess let herself into her mother’s house as quietly as possible and crept into the kitchen. Noel had called an hour ago to say that he’d crashed at Cal’s last night and had to go straight into work. Mum, it seemed, had had a long and stressful day yesterday and he asked her to stop by and let Percy out so that Mum could sleep in and get some rest before picking up Bobby.
Considering how Jess felt about dogs, she wasn’t impressed but, having heard about the previous day’s scare, she figured her mum could probably do with the rest. Noel assured her that Percy was a pussycat and rang off, laughing at his own amazing wit. Halfwit more like, she thought, with a reluctant smile.
Jess stood at the door into the utility area, trying to work up the courage to go in. The dog gave a soft whine as if encouraging her, but she still couldn’t bring herself to open the door. She had never so much as touched a dog since being attacked but it was hard to ignore Percy’s whimpers. She could just fling open the back door and retreat into the safety of the kitchen, couldn’t she? For her mother?
Her heart thumping in her chest, Jess pushed open the door. The large, golden dog lifted his head and wagged his tail at the sight of her but made no move to get up. She looked over at the back door, wondering if she could stretch far enough to open it without actually going into the room, but chances were she’d fall in on top of the animal. Taking a few deep breaths, she sidled along the wall, never taking her eyes off him, and, having flung the door open, ran back into the kitchen. Seconds later she heard him pad outside and watched from the kitchen window as he did his business. She hurried in to refill his water bowl before he got back. He’d just have to wait to eat until her mother surfaced. She returned to her post by the window and watched the dog amble round the garden before returning inside. Jess stood in the kitchen doorway as he lay back down in his bed and looked up at her, wagging his tail again. ‘Okay, so maybe you’re not so bad,’ she muttered.
Jess wandered into the lounge and did a double-take at the mess. The remains of last night’s dinner and an empty wine bottle and two glasses stood on the coffee table. Lover-boy must have dropped by, she mused as she started to gather up the dirty dishes. This thing between Mum and Douglas seemed to be getting serious. She looked forward to meeting the man who’d put a smile on her mother’s face and a pep in her step. Jess froze as a floorboard creaked overhead. She looked up, wondering if he’d stayed over. That would be seriously embarrassing. She needed to get out of here.
‘Noel?’
Jess sighed as she heard her mother’s voice call down. She went into the hallway. ‘It’s Jess, Mum.’
‘Oh, hello, love.’ Suzie came to the top of the stairs, yawning. ‘I had a late night.’
‘I was just looking at the aftermath.’ Jess grinned and nodded towards the lounge.
‘Oh, feck off, it’s not that bad.’ Her mother clamped her hand to her mouth. ‘Oh, my goodness, Percy!’
‘I just let him out and gave him water.’
Suzie’s eyes widened. ‘You did?’
‘Yeah. Noel stayed over at Cal’s and was going straight into work, so he asked me to drop by. He figured you might sleep in after your day with Bobby. Ba
d, eh?’
Suzie sighed. ‘Not really, but it was tiring. Thanks for coming over. I know it can’t have been easy. But isn’t he a darling?’
‘I wouldn’t go that far, but he didn’t attack me, so that’s a plus.’
Her mum chuckled. ‘Wait until you get to know him. You’ll soon be under his spell like the rest of us. Bobby seems to adore him.’
‘Really?’ That was good news, Jess had to admit.
‘Yes, honestly. He fell asleep wrapped round him yesterday and the dog never moved a muscle.’ Suzie yawned again. ‘Listen, let me grab a shower and then I’ll make us a cuppa.’
‘Are you sure you don’t want to get more sleep?’
‘No, I’ll have some breakfast and then take the dog for a walk. I didn’t get a chance to yesterday.’
Jess went back into the lounge, threw open a window and, bending to plump the cushions, found a small photo album under one. She didn’t remember seeing it before and, curious, she sat down and started to leaf through it. The first few photos were of strangers, young people fooling around, and, from the look of the clothes, they were snapped in the eighties. She studied each of the faces and gasped when she recognised her mother, looking so young and – Jess giggled – like a punk! She continued to turn the pages and, while they were all of the same people, occasionally there was an older, attractive man present too. She pulled up short at a photo of her mother, heavily pregnant. She touched her fingers to the bump. ‘That’s me.’
‘What’s that?’ her mother said, coming down the stairs, towelling her damp hair.
Jess held up the album. ‘This photo of you pregnant – it’s with me, isn’t it?’ She laughed. ‘It has to be, you’re so young.’
Suzie stood in the doorway and gave an embarrassed grin. ‘Wasn’t I enormous?’
‘You look a little cross.’
‘Of course I was. Who wants to be photographed when they look like an elephant?’
Jess chuckled. ‘Did Dad take the photo?’
Her mother appeared flummoxed. ‘I don’t remember who took it. I’ll put on the kettle.’
Jess followed her, taking the album with her, wondering why her mum seemed so uncomfortable. ‘Who are these people?’
‘They’re the guys at CML, the company I worked for until a year after you were born.’
‘And then you moved to Limerick with Dad?’
‘That’s right.’
Jess turned to the last photo in the album. It was a shot of all the gang surrounding the hospital bed. Her mother was flushed and beaming, cradling her baby, and the older man from the previous shots had his arm around her.
‘Who’s this guy?’ she asked, skirting around the dog to show her mother the photo.
‘That’s Doug. He was the MD of CML.’
‘He seems very friendly.’
‘He was a nice man.’
Jess frowned, trying to process that, when her phone rang. It was Katie.
‘Hey, where are you? I thought we were going shopping.’
Jess glanced at her watch. ‘Shit, sorry, Katie. I’m on my way.’
‘What’s up with you?’
Jess looked blankly from the dress she held in her hand to her friend’s exasperated expression. ‘Sorry?’
‘You’ve barely opened your mouth all morning. If you wanted to cry off you should have said so. It’s not like you’re any company.’
Jess put the dress back on the rail. ‘Sorry.’
‘What’s happened?’ Katie’s eyes narrowed. ‘Don’t tell me that asshole has been bothering you again? If he has, I’m going to go and sort him out, once and for all. I can’t go to Jersey and leave you like this.’
‘It’s not Louis.’ Jess sighed. ‘I was at Mum’s when you called. I found an old photo album with shots of her pregnant with me and some taken in the hospital, just after I was born.’
Katie’s face broke into a smile. ‘Aw, that’s nice. Isn’t it?’ she added when Jess didn’t respond.
Katie took her by the arm and steered her out of the shop. ‘Let’s grab a coffee.’
When they were seated at a table in a crowded café across the road, Katie rested her chin in her hand. ‘Okay, out with it. What has you so preoccupied?’
‘Dad’s not in any of the photos. In fact, Dad’s not in the album.’
‘So? Maybe it was his album and he was the photographer.’ Katie shrugged.
Jess shook her head. ‘Dad was never into any of that.’
‘Ah, but first-time daddies are a sentimental lot and want to capture everything their first-born does. It’s the novelty factor. There are zillions of photos of Philip around the house and hardly any of the rest of us,’ she complained. Jess frowned at that. Their house had always been full of baby photos of Sharon and a good few of Noel, but there weren’t any of Jess. ‘Fuck,’ she murmured.
‘What?’
Jess looked at her. ‘I don’t think my dad’s my dad.’
Katie burst out laughing. ‘You figure that on the basis that there aren’t more photos of you?’
‘No. I figure it on the basis that: one, the album just has photos of Mam with the people she used to work with before she got married; two, there are pictures of her pregnant with me, and of us in the hospital, and I’ve never seen them before; three, Dad was never as close to me as he was to Sharon and Noel; and lastly’ – she ticked her fourth finger – ‘I look nothing like him, or Sharon and Noel, for that matter.’
Katie looked dubious. ‘I think that you’re blowing this out of proportion.’
‘I don’t think so.’ Jess knew, in her gut, she was right. ‘Mum acted all weird when I found the album.’
Katie’s eyes lit up. ‘I know! She must have got pregnant before they got married, and she’s embarrassed by that.’
Jess shot her a look of disbelief. ‘My mother isn’t easily embarrassed, especially now. And why would that matter to me? Why would I care? No, there’s more to it than that. And there’s a man that appears in lots of the photos with her.’
‘Oh!’ Katie’s eyes widened. ‘And do you look like him?’
‘Not at all,’ Jess sighed. She couldn’t figure out the puzzle but she was sure that there was one.
‘Your imagination is running away with you,’ Katie said. ‘You’ll be telling me next that your da owns a worldwide newspaper chain and you’re his sole heir.’
Jess burst out laughing. ‘Smartarse. With my luck, it’s more likely that he’s broke and would only come out of the woodwork looking for a loan.’
Laughing, Katie excused herself to use the loo and Jess went back to brooding. Was John her dad? If not, why hadn’t her mother told her? Suzie had always been open with her children about her own upbringing and how Granddad had treated her and Granny. Why would she lie about Jess’s father? Katie must be right. It was her imagination. She was looking for mysteries where there were none.
Jess hadn’t had much of a relationship with her dad, but that wasn’t uncommon. And it wasn’t as if they fought all the time. On the contrary, John had always been perfectly civil and she’d lacked for nothing. He just seemed absent from her life in a way that he hadn’t with Sharon and Noel. She’d never given that much thought before and she didn’t remember being conscious of it growing up. A typical teenage girl, she was more absorbed in her own life than in the family dynamic but that album raised questions she’d never considered before.
Jess knew little of her mother’s life before she moved to Limerick. The people in those photos had obviously been a lot more than workmates: they looked like good friends. Why had Mam never talked about them? And what had prompted her to unearth this album now? Had she been showing it to her boyfriend? Why show him photos of so long ago? Especially the one of her pregnant that she hated? Wouldn’t it be more usual to show him ones of Dad and her kids? Damn it, Jess was just going to ask her about it, and she wouldn’t stop until she had some answers. Mam might tell her to feck off and mind her own business, but Jess wouldn�
��t back down. And, if Dad wasn’t really her dad, then Jess wanted to know who was.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Sharon glanced across the table at her son and then looked, wide-eyed, at her husband. Keith just shrugged and smiled. Since Bobby had come home from his granny’s yesterday, he’d been quiet, but not in a bad way. He seemed content, and there was a slight smile playing around his mouth.
‘So you like Granny’s dog, Bobby?’
‘His name’s Percy. He’s my friend.’
‘Aw, that’s nice. Dogs are great. They always love you no matter what.’
‘I love him too,’ Bobby said with an emphatic nod.
This morning her son had hopped out of bed and got ready for school without either of them having to hurry him along.
‘I’m lost for words,’ Sharon said when Bobby went upstairs to brush his teeth.
‘I know. Do you think your mother would let us adopt Percy?’
Sharon laughed. ‘I think we’re going to have a tough enough time coping with a new baby and Bobby without throwing a dog into the mix.’
‘True.’ He sighed.
‘He’ll see Percy all the time,’ Sharon said.
‘Soon he’ll be asking to move in with his granny.’
‘Huh, he can dream on.’ Bobby had a long way to go before her mother truly accepted him, and Sharon worried about the challenges ahead when there was a new grandchild. ‘I hope Mum won’t fuss over the new baby too much and make Bobby jealous.’
‘Stop worrying.’ Keith pulled her in close against him. ‘Bobby doesn’t notice things like that or take offence.’
Sharon didn’t agree, but she wasn’t going to spoil the moment by saying so. Bobby might seem insulated in his own little world, but some of the comments he came out with had made her realise how clued in he actually was. She still wasn’t sure if it upset him. He’d seemed so pragmatic when he’d said his granny didn’t like him, it had made Sharon feel quite sad.
Second Time Around Page 27
