I want to be a mom.
The first real smile I’ve had in two days floats onto my lips and a camera flashes. I blink a couple times and Sam laughs.
“Come on, Jess. Church time. I’m getting myself my very own husband.”
The second real smile of the day splits my lips and I wrap Sam in a hug.
“Congratulations, Sam,” I say as we embrace. She squeezes me a bit tighter and then pushes me off.
“You’re going to mess up this hair,” she says with a laugh, patting the sides of her head.
“You look gorgeous,” I smile. “Let’s go.”
The ceremony is beautiful. I dab at the corners of my eyes with a tissue and try to ignore the tightening in my chest. The way Sam and Ronnie look at each other is impossible to ignore. As soon as he hears the words, Ronnie dips Sam backwards and plants a kiss on her lips. Everyone in the church cheers and claps as the two of them laugh and turn to the congregation. Sam glances at me and I finally just let the tears flow free.
My two oldest friends are married, and I can honestly say I couldn’t be happier for them. This morning, I didn’t think I’d be able to make it through the day but right now all that matters is the way their arms are locked around each other and the way Ronnie’s leaning down to whisper in her ear. Sam laughs and I can almost feel the love radiating off them.
“Come on,” Sam calls out. “Let’s go to the Lex!”
And with those seven words, the warmth in my heart turns to ice. The part of the day that I’ve been dreading is here, and I’m going to have to face Owen.
I shuffle behind Sam and paint the fake smile on my face again. My grandmother finds me and hooks her arm into mine, squeezing my bicep in her hand.
“What’s that sad look, Jessica? You haven’t been yourself since you got here.”
“It’s nothing, Gram. Just tired.”
“I know when you’re tired, honey, and this isn’t it.”
The two of us walk slowly and she turns her head to look at me.
“When I met your grandfather,” she starts all of a sudden, “I thought he was the most rude, arrogant man I’d ever met. I didn’t want anything to do with him.”
“I thought it was love at first sight! That’s what you always said.”
Gram chuckles and shakes her head. “He was walking around town like he owned the place and I wanted none of it. It wasn’t until I got to know him and I saw the type of man he was that I fell in love with him.”
She pats my arm gently and goes quiet as we walk down Main Street towards the big hotel.
“Sometimes you need to give people a second chance,” she says. I glance over at her but she keeps her eyes straight forward. My heart squeezes in my chest and I try to swallow but there’s a lump in my throat.
“Gram,” I say. “I don’t know if it’s that simple.”
“When you get to my age you’ll realize that sometimes it is that simple. You have to open up sometimes when you don’t want to. I love you, Jessica.”
“I love you too, Gram.”
There’s a hurricane of emotions inside me, but all I can do is walk slowly with my grandmother towards the father of my unborn child, and pretend like everything is okay. Gram pats my arm gently and we walk the rest of the way in silence.
45
Owen
I hear the voices from the wedding guests as I’m hanging up the last set of lights around the bar. The first guests start to drift in and pretty soon the whole place is packed. I scan the room for her, but she isn’t here yet.
What if she decided not to come?
Maggie, the wedding planner, leans over to me and points to the PA system.
“Is this ready?”
I nod. She says nothing, but pulls out her phone and says a few words. The lights in the bar dim, and a spotlight appears towards the door. I glance up at the light and frown. I hadn’t even realize that had been installed today. I must be completely out of it.
The light shines towards the door and the wedding party starts to come through. Two by two, the bridesmaids and groomsmen step through. My heart starts to thump as I see Jess come into view. She’s arm-in-arm with Sam’s brother Cory.
She looks radiant. She’s wearing the same dress as the other bridesmaids but somehow it looks better on her. It’s dark blue and floor-length, cinched at the waist and flowing all around her. She looks like an angel.
Jess scans the room and for a brief second our eyes meet. There’s ten thousand things in her eyes and in that instant, time stops. All that exists is Jess, and me. She looks at me and I feel the pain in her eyes, I see the loneliness and the fear and my heart shatters into a million pieces.
I’ve been an idiot.
She glances away and forces a smile onto her face. I keep looking at her, hoping she’ll glance my way, hoping she’ll give me even half a second of her attention, but she turns towards the door and claps as Sam and Ron make their entrance.
Every single person is clapping and shouting, all eyes are on Sam and Ron. I’m sure they can hear us three towns over.
I clap along with everyone, but my eyes stay glued on Jess. I can see her profile as she welcomes Sam and Ron into the Lex. She dips her head down and I stare at the curve of her neck, and the way her hair cascades down her back. She claps her hands and I watch at the way every move is graceful, the way she turns towards Sam as she walks by to the head table.
Jess follows Sam and takes a seat to her right. I finally rip my eyes away from her and turn around, ducking into the office and closing the door.
I let out all the air from my lungs and flop down onto my office chair. In front of me is there chair she sat in the first day we met. Right there is the glass that she drank from, and there’s the whiskey we shared. I haven’t touched it since she left.
I rub my temples and take a deep breath. Maybe it’s time for me to drink something a bit stronger.
The golden liquid shines in the glass when I hold it up before pouring it all down my throat. It burns as it goes down and I close my eyes and savor the sensation. At least it feels like something. All day I’ve been numb, and now I feel like a hand is gripping my heart and squeezing as hard as possible. The whiskey burns but at least it takes my mind off everything else for even just a second.
Jess obviously doesn’t want to talk to me today. She turned away the minute our eyes met and has avoided my gaze since she got in. Why didn’t I go to her this morning? Why didn’t I hug her, or tell her I’d be there for our child? Why did I stay where I was like that? Of course she doesn’t want to talk to me, she thinks I want nothing to do with her or the kid!
I pour some more alcohol into the glass when there’s a soft knock on the door. I sigh and put my glass down, putting the cap back on the green bottle of whiskey.
“Come in,” I sigh.
The door opens slowly and I almost fall backwards when I see her blue flowing dress step through the door. She closes it behind her and takes a deep breath as she looks me in the eye.
“Jess,” I breathe.
“Owen,” she replies.
We’re quiet for a few seconds. Once again I wish I knew what to say. There are so many things flying through my mind and all I want to do is tell her that I care about her, that I care about the baby, that I’ll be there for her.
Something in the way she’s looking at me stops me. There’s a hardness in her eyes.
“We left on a bad note today,” she starts. “That was my fault. I shouldn’t have run away and I probably could have told you about the baby more… diplomatically.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I say, shaking my head. She holds up her hand and I stop talking.
“I just want you to know that I am not expecting anything from you. I’m prepared to raise this baby by myself, but I just wanted to tell you that I’m keeping it. Nothing you can say or do will change my mind.”
My heart starts thumping. I can’t help it—a smile starts to spread across my face. Jess frowns.
/>
“What?”
“I just,” I start. “I’m just happy to hear that.”
“Hear what? That you’re off the hook?” Her voice is hard and I shake my head, standing up and taking a step towards her. She bristles and takes a step back. I pause.
“No,” I say gently. “I’m happy that you want to keep the baby… Our baby.” The last two words come out barely above a whisper. Her eyes narrow and she searches my face. She looks suspicious.
“I thought you didn’t want me to have it,” she says slowly.
“I was just in shock. Jess,” I say, holding out my hand. “This isn’t what I was expecting but it doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.”
Her shoulders relax down a fraction of an inch and she nods.
“I should probably get back,” she says, nodding to the door. “Maybe we can talk about this later?”
I dip my chin down. “Yeah. Of course.”
She nods again and turns towards the door. Her hand slips onto the doorknob and she glances back at me. The first hint of a smile appears on her lips.
“Thanks.”
There’s a lump in my throat so all I can do is nod as tears start prickling the corners of my eyes. She slips out the door and I slump back into my chair, letting all the breath out of my lungs. I look at the glass of whiskey on my desk and take a tiny sip. Somehow it tastes sweeter than it did a few minutes ago.
46
Jess
There’s the tiniest sliver of hope inside me as I walk back towards the table. I sit next to Sam and my heart feels lighter. My smile comes easier as I lean towards her and touch my shoulder to hers.
She turns towards me and smiles.
“I’m happy for you, Sam,” I say.
She grins. “Finally.”
“What’s that supposed to mean!”
Sam laughs. “You’ve been sulking all day.” A bolt of guilt passes through my stomach and Sam laughs. “It’s okay, Jess. As long as you’re happy now. Your fake smile sucks, by the way.”
For the first time today, I start laughing. Sam grins and finally starts laughing with me until the tears start gathering in my eyes. I dab them away with a tissue and she shakes her head.
“I’ll explain later,” I finally say.
“You don’t need to explain anything, Jess. Just be happy today.”
I nod, and this time the tears in my eyes aren’t from laughing. She squeezes my arm before grabbing her glass of champagne. She clinks it against mine and takes a sip. I bring the glass to my lips and pretend to drink, but put it back down without having any. I put a hand to my stomach and stroke it gently before turning my attention back to the table.
The wedding is beautiful. There’s speeches and tears and laughter, and I’m in awe of how good a simple wedding in the town’s hotel can be. Pretty soon everyone is up and dancing on the dance floor, waiting for the fourth of July fireworks to start. Other patrons start drifting into the hotel and mixing with the wedding until it seems like the whole town is in this tiny room.
I’m standing at the edge of the dance floor when Owen appears beside me. His arm brushes against mine and I can immediately smell that fresh, manly scent that I’ve missed so much. It’s the closest we’ve been since I left Lexington two months ago, and my whole body starts to feel electric.
He leans his mouth towards my ear.
“You look beautiful,” he whispers. I duck my chin and smile, trying to hide my blush. Even those simple words send a thrill down my spine as my centre starts to heat up. He holds out his hand and nods to the dance floor.
I can’t help it, a smile breaks across my face. I slip my fingers into his palm and he guides me out onto the dance floor just as the music starts to slow down. His hand finds the small of my back and I feel like my whole body is trembling. His cheek rests against mine and we sway, chest to chest.
“I missed you,” he growls into my ear. The flame inside me grows hotter as my heart starts to beat.
“I missed you too,” I answer. My voice is barely above a whisper.
“Whatever we have, whatever this thing is between us,” he says. “I want to keep going.”
I pull my head back. “Is that why you knocked me up?” I ask with an eyebrow raised. He laughs, throwing his head back. I can’t help but smile as well.
“My master plan is working,” he says with a grin. His eyes soften and he shakes his head. “I’m fucking terrified.”
“So am I,” I answer. He smiles and holds me a bit closer.
We sway back and forth on the dance floor for an eternity. I don’t even know if we’re moving to the beat of the music. I can’t even hear the music. All I hear is his heartbeat and mine, inches apart from each other. I forget where I am and who is around. I forget everything except the feeling of his hand on my back, his cheek against mine and my fingers on his palm.
I lift my hands up and wrap them around his neck, putting my forehead against his. He slides both hands onto the small of my back and a sigh shudders through me. As much as I don’t want to let my guard down, as much as I’m afraid that he’ll change his mine and walk away, as much as I’m terrified of having this child, right now, I’m happy.
Right now I could stay like this, swaying gently side to side forever.
The music ends and everyone on the dance floor starts clapping. Reluctantly, I pull myself away from Owen and clap. We look at each other for a moment and he winks at me before starting to clap.
I see movement out of the corner of my eye and turn to see Mary Hanson in the doorway. She’s staring at me with laser focus. A chill runs down my spine. Owen glances at me and follows my gaze. He brushes his hand on the small of my back and leans towards me.
“You okay?”
“I’m fine,” I say, turning towards him. He looks at me and smiles. For a moment, I think that he might be about to kiss me. His eyes soften and he turns his chest towards me. He puts his hands on my hips and his lips part ever so slightly. Just as his chin starts to dip down towards me, that fake-sweet voice rings out beside us.
“Well look at you two lovebirds,” Mary says. We both jump and turn towards her. She grins at me.
“Owen, Jess,” she says, nodding to each of us in turn. “I’d like to introduce you to my fiancé. Jess, I believe you already know him.”
A man steps out from behind her and my jaw drops. “Michael?”
“Hi, Jess,” he says, glancing at me and smiling shyly. I feel Owen stiffen beside me.
“I thought you said you didn’t know Mary’s fiancé,” he says to me gently. I can hear an edge to his voice that wasn’t there before. Mary’s smile widens as she puts her arm around Michael’s waist.
I’m still in shock. My eyes flick from Mary to Michael and back to Mary again.
“Oh she knows him, don’t you, Jess?"
I nod. Michael is still looking at me, and he glances quickly at Owen. I gulp. “Good to see you again,” I lie.
Michael nods. “You too.”
My heart is thumping and I glance around. I need to get away. “Excuse me,” I say as I turn and almost run towards the bathroom. It’s not until I’m inside that I let out a huge breath and lean on the counter.
Michael, my first boyfriend. The guy who left me pregnant and alone. That’s Mary’s fiancé?!
47
Owen
Jess hurries towards the bathroom and I turn back to the couple.
“Congratulations on your upcoming wedding,” I say stiffly. They both nod, and Mary smiles.
“Thank you, Owen. I’m glad you two finally got to meet.”
“Me too. If you’ll excuse me, I think Joe needs some help behind the bar.” Not a moment too soon, I slip away. I glance over towards the bathrooms. What the hell is going on? Why did Jess run away? Why did she tell me she didn’t know Mary’s fiancé if she obviously does?
The questions are flying around my head, and the peacefulness in my heart that I felt with Jess in my arms on the dance floor has evaporated. I
nstead, all I have is uncertainty, doubt, and a million questions.
Jess has disappeared and I keep scanning the room for her. Where did she go? I walk around the room and finally spot her, leaning against the wall in the back corner.
“Where did you go?” I ask. She turns her head towards me and then looks down at the ground.
“I didn’t feel like talking to her.”
“Who’s that guy? Her fiancé? I thought you said you didn’t know him.” My voice sounds harsher than I intended, and Jess flinches. Her hand goes up to her stomach and I take a step towards her.
“I said I didn’t know who he was. I didn’t realize it was him.”
“Who is he?” I ask more gently.
Her face sours and she shakes her head. The frustration starts to build inside me. Jess won’t look at me and I glance around the room again. I make eye contact with Mary, who’s staring at the two of us intently.
I take a deep breath and try to soften my voice. “Jess, please tell me? I hate to see you like this. I want…. I want to be there for you.”
Jess finally lifts her eyes up to mine and I see deep-rooted pain in them. She swallows and then opens her lips to speak.
“He was my first boyfriend. The one that I… the one who left.” The one who got you pregnant, you mean. “i don’t even know why I’m upset. I haven’t spoken to him in over a decade. I don’t know, just seeing him here, with Mary, when Sam and Ronnie are getting married and I’m just pregnant by accident again, it’s just,” she sobs and her hands fly up to her face.
I wrap my arms around her and hold her close to me. She’s shaking, and I just hold her and make wordless soothing noises until her body softens and she relaxes. Her arms slowly wrap themselves around me until she pulls away and brushes a tear away from her eye.
“Sorry,” she says. “This is just too much for me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.”
I laugh. “Neither do I.” I brush her hair off her face and wipe another tear away. “We’ll figure it out, Jess. I’m happy you’re here.”
Knocked Up- The Complete Box Set Page 45
