“What is this?” I asked. His eyes went warm, making my pulse speed up.
“This…is the beginning of us.”
“Are you a vampire or something?” I half-joked. He looked at me possessively, making me feel warm. He started to laugh, his head thrown back, showing off his square jaw. When he lowered his head to look at me, he shook his head.
“No, not a vampire. I just know what I want.”
“You’re kinda freaking me out.”
“Join the club,” he said under his breath, as he turned to open the door to my apartment. He held it open for me to step out. Once I was in the hall, I turned to lock the door behind me. He took my hand into his; his palm was slightly callused, and I wondered what they would feel like running over my body. The thought caught me off-guard. I grew up in a very small town in Alaska—my graduating class was thirty-five people. I had one boyfriend when I was sixteen, and all we ever did was kiss. For me, the only reason we even did that was because it was what you did when you had a boyfriend. I had no idea what to do with the feelings of lust Cash brought out in me.
I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves. The feelings of nervousness completely disappeared when we got out into the parking lot and stopped at the side of a large red truck. He opened the door, and when I went to get in, I realized there was no step-thingy and no handle to grab onto in order to swing myself inside. I turned to look at Cash, who was smiling.
“How am I going to get up there?” I hitched my thumb in the direction of the cab of the truck. His smile grew bigger; he took a step towards me, his hands going to my waist. He gave a slight squeeze before I was lifted up. My hands shot out, grabbing onto his shoulders; the position reminded me of Dirty Dancing when Patrick Swayze picked up Jennifer Grey when they were practicing on the log in the rain. Our eyes were locked, and I had never in my life wanted to kiss someone more than I did in that moment. He sat me down in the seat; his eyes dropped to my mouth, and then came back to mine.
He tilted his head towards his shoulder. “You can let go now.” His voice was slightly rough; I moved my hands quickly and turned my legs into the cab of the truck, placing my hands in my lap and noticing they were shaking.
*~*~*
Three months later
“I hate leaving you here. I hate I have to be without you,” Cash said quietly. We were lying in bed. Cash had just made love to me, and it was more beautiful than I ever thought it would be. He was so gentle with me. Well, I guess he was always gentle with me. It was something else—it was like in that moment, we were one, and not just in a sexual way. It was something different. I knew we loved each other—he told me he loved me all the time—but now feeling it, knowing he was my first, and that I had given him a piece of myself that I could never get back…it connected me to him in a way that made it even more perfect. I cuddled closer to him, his hand running lazily down my side to my hip. My hand pressed to his chest.
“I hate it too,” I told him, lifting my head, my chin going to his chest, and our eyes meeting. I searched his face, wondering what he’d think about me moving to Tennessee and going to college closer to him. I wanted to be with him all the time. I wouldn’t have moved in with him or anything crazy like that, but if I could be a thirty-minute drive instead of a three-hour drive, I would have loved that. I hated that I could only see him on the weekends. And I didn’t like that he had to travel so far to come see me. I was just about to say it when I realized that it would be stupid. It was too soon. I just gave him my virginity; we weren’t getting married or anything. Maybe if things kept on like they were, then I would see what he’d say about me moving closer. I came back to myself when his hands touched my face.
“What’s going on?” His fingers trailed from my temple to my bottom lip.
“Nothing, just thinking that my never didn’t really work out, did it?” I smiled and laughed, thinking about the fact that on our first date I’d told him that I would never ever sleep with him.
“No, but I will cherish what you gave me for the rest of my life,” he told me, making my tummy flip. The look in his eyes was so sincere that I held my breath. He leaned forward, his mouth opening over mine.
Cash
I pulled up in front of my house and shut off my car. I hopped out, opened the trunk, and pulled out my overnight bag. When I got inside, I tossed my bag into the laundry room, went into the kitchen, pulled a beer out of the fridge, and popped the tab, taking a deep drink. I pulled off my baseball cap, tossing it on the counter and ran my hand through my hair. I wanted to call Lilly and hear her voice again; we talked my whole drive home, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more. I looked around, seeing my space, wondering what she’d think of it. I wanted her here with me. I hated knowing I couldn’t see her whenever I wanted. I wanted to ask her to move closer, or just move in with me, but I knew it would be way too soon, so I held my tongue. I used to give Asher and Trevor a hard time about the way they acted when they both met their one…now I knew. I would die for Lilly; she was amazing, beautiful, and kind, and made me want to be a better person.
My phone rang from my pocket, bringing me out of my thoughts. I pulled it out, expecting it to be Lilly. The number was unknown. I answered, and just like that, with one phone call, my life changed.
Lilly
“I love you, but I can’t see you anymore.” The words played over and over in my head. I could feel his pain, but didn’t understand it. I felt like my own chest was cracking open. He told me he loved me. He told me I was the one. Oh, God, I was going to be sick. I ran into the bathroom, the contents of my lunch coming up. Once I finished, I flushed the toilet, resting my cheek on the bathroom floor, not caring that it was probably dirty. I didn’t care about anything; I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to feel anything. I shut my eyes, trying to forget the pain that was consuming me.
I opened my eyes, feeling disoriented. The room was completely dark, and when I sat up, I realized I had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor. I turned on the light and stripped off my clothes. I turned on the shower and climbed in before the water had a chance to heat up; the cold water jolted my system. My movements were automatic; I couldn’t feel anything. I got out, wrapping a towel around myself before going to my room, climbing under the covers, and falling back to sleep.
Over the next few weeks, I had a routine: class, eat, and sleep. I didn’t do anything outside of my routine. I couldn’t watch TV, and I couldn’t spend too much time on campus—any time I saw a couple, I would break down into tears, making me feel like a bigger loser than I already felt like. I was exhausted and sick; no matter how much I slept or what I ate, nothing changed. That was when I decided to go to the doctor, and for the second time in a few weeks, my life was turned upside-down.
“I am pregnant?” I asked for confirmation. The doctor looked at me over the top of his glasses, his eyes making me squirm.
“Yes, Ms. Donovan, that is what the urine test, blood test, and ultrasound all confirmed.
“Okay.” So I wanted to be sure that they were not getting false results and may have gone a little overboard, but what the fuck? I never thought I would be pregnant, especially when I had only had sex one time, and used a condom when I’d done it.
“I am going to give you a number to a clinic where you can get this taken care of,” the doctor said, making me feel somewhat better.
“That would be good.” I knew I would need to see someone about getting vitamins and talk to someone about how sick I had been. And I would need to call Cash and let him know what was going on, even if we weren’t together. I would never keep this from him.
“The procedure takes a couple hours; you will need to have someone go with you.”
“Procedure?” I knew my face scrunched up in confusion.
“The abortion.” My hands covered my stomach quickly. I never even thought about that; I shook my head.
“No, no way. I’m not getting an abortion.” I didn’t see anything wrong with that choice for
others, but for me, it wasn’t an option.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Donovan, I thought we were talking about the same thing.” I shook my head, tears pooling in my eyes. “I will get you a number for an OB/GYN then.
“Thank you.” I swiped at my eyes, and the first bit of warmth came into the doctor’s face.
“You will be okay.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. I had my parents; they never let me down. I could go home…and do what? Live with my parents? Have them support my baby and me? That wasn’t an option. I would have to find a way to make it here. I would find a way to finish school, even if I had to do it online, and there were lots of single mothers in the world. I would just be one more. I would find a way to make it. Once the doctor finished and gave me the number for the OB/GYN, I left the office, making my way to the bus. I pulled out my phone, and for the first time in three weeks, I sent Cash a text.
Me: We need to talk.
Cash: We have nothing to talk about.
My stomach dropped at his response. He was never short or mean to me. I couldn’t understand what I had done.
Me: We do have something to talk about.
I felt my gut twist.
Cash: Get over it. We’re done. Don’t text me again.
My temper started to flare; I couldn’t believe that he would do this to me.
Me: I am having your baby, you dick.
Cash: Get rid of it. I am having a baby with my soon-to-be wife.
I read the words, ran to the trashcan on the corner of the street, and lost it. I couldn’t believe him! Who was this guy? A lady came over, offering me water and a napkin. I used it to wipe my mouth and thanked her for it. I looked down at the text, reading it again and again. I didn’t even know how I got home; I just remembered climbing into bed, my hands going to my stomach. I looked up at the ceiling in my room, not really seeing anything, just replaying all the good times I had with Cash…all the firsts I had with him. I knew that no matter what, the child growing inside of me was made out of love. Even though his or her father didn’t love me, I had loved him enough for the both of us.
Chapter 1
Present Day
Cash
“Daddy, are we there yet?” Jax moans from the backseat, making me smile. If we’re in the car for more than fifteen minutes, he is ready to bust out of his car seat. He has more energy than ten kids combined.
“About fifteen more minutes, dude, then you can go wild.” We are on our way to Jumping Bean, a giant warehouse full of trampolines. Hopefully by the time we leave, he will be worn out, and I can get some rest. I love my son, but damn if he doesn’t wear me out.
“Are you gonna jump wiff me?”
“Yeah, dude.”
“Yay!” he yells, his little arms shooting straight up in the air. I turn up the volume to the show he’s watching on the back of the passenger seat’s headrest, hoping it will keep him occupied until we get to the warehouse. When I found out Jules was pregnant, I was pissed off at the world. I was in love with Lilly. I hated saying goodbye to her. I knew that in order to have a relationship with my child, to have him in my life, I had to cut her out and focus on Jules. After a year, I realized it would never happen. I was killing myself. I was miserable. Almost three years ago, we divorced, and she moved into an apartment in town. My son stays with me unless I’m at work, then my mother, November, or Liz has him. His mother sees him if the mood strikes, which is rare and perfectly fine with me, but difficult for him.
“Are we there yet?” I chuckle, shifting lanes as I exit the highway.
“Two minutes.”
“This is taking forebbbeerrr,” he whines and sighs. I look at him through the rearview mirror. His head is resting on his fist, looking completely disgruntled.
“Look.” I point out the front window to the building ahead of us.
“We should moob here.”
“Wouldn’t you miss grandma?” I pull into the parking lot and find a space to park.
“Well, she could come, too.”
“I don’t think grandpa would like that, little guy.”
“Eberyone could moob here.” I shake my head, getting out of the truck. By the time I have his door open, he’s unbuckled himself and launches his little body at me.
“You ready to go have some fun?” I hold him upside-down, his giggling making me laugh.
“Yes-s-s-s-s,” he screeches as I bounce him. I turn him upright, putting his baseball cap on his head —like me, he always wears one. I grab his hand as we walk into the building. This place is insane! There are kids everywhere, running and screaming, chasing each other as we stop at the front counter to pay. “I wanna go in there, Daddy.” I look to see he’s pointing at a giant pit full of foam blocks. I am sure it looks like a good time to a kid, but to me, as a parent, it looks like a petri dish. I am going to have to wash him down with Purell by the time this day is over.
“We will.” He nods in agreement. I pull off his hat, and we both take off our shoes before putting them in one of the cubbies that take up a long wall. When his shoes are off, my little dare devil takes a running start, jumping in full-speed head-first into the pit. I laugh, watching as he tries to right himself.
“Come in, Daddy.” He tries to wave, but he looks like a fish out of water flopping all over the place. I step into the pit and once I reach him, I lift him above my head and I toss him, making him laugh harder. He somehow manages to get his feet underneath himself and wades towards me, looking like he is fighting a hard current. “Let’s go ober there.” He points to a large trampoline that is built into the floor before taking my hand, leading the way out of the pit. I don’t know who is going to be more exhausted by the time this day is over. Actually I do, and I know it won’t be him.
As soon as we’re out of the pit, he takes off on a run before bouncing onto the trampoline. I stand off to the side, watching him with my arms crossed over my chest. I look to the left when I see a flash of red hair in my peripheral vision. It wouldn’t be the first time my mind has played a trick on me, making me think I see Lilly when I don’t. The woman has fuller hips then Lilly did, and her ass is round, making me want to slap it. Shit, I need to get laid. The thought leaves just as quickly as it comes. My focus is my son. My bachelor days are a long forgotten memory. Now, if I need to get off, I use Miss Right or Miss Left. I’m just about to look away when the woman turns towards me, and I stop breathing. I swear to God, time stops. All I can do is stare at her. Her skin is still the color of cream; her red hair is long and hangs over her breasts that seem to be larger than when I last had them in my hands. She looks even more beautiful, if that’s possible. When her eyes meet mine, she blinks then pales, her hand covering her mouth. What the fuck?
“Mommy! Mommy!” She looks down, and my stomach drops, seeing a little girl with dark hair pulled into two pigtails and skin the same color as her mom’s. Lilly gets down to the little girl’s level, pulling her close as she whispers something to her. “I don’t wanna weeb,” she cries, her face turning towards me. For the second time in as many minutes, my world comes to a halt. She looks so much like Jax that they could be twins. I look up, my eyes meeting Lilly’s again.
“Daddy, come play with me.” Jax grabs onto my pants leg. I look down at him, then back at Lilly as tears pool in her eyes. She picks up her daughter—our daughter—and starts to take a step away. Automatically, my hand reaches out to grab onto her elbow. I look down at Jax and give him a smile. “You go play, dude. I will be there in a second.”
“Fine,” he grumbles before running off again. I look at the little girl in Lilly’s arms; her eyes are on me as she leans in to whisper something into her mother’s ear. Lilly closes her eyes, hugging her tighter before saying something back to her and setting her on the ground.
“Go play for a minute, love bug,” Lilly tells her. The little girl doesn’t take her eyes off me. I want to pick her up and hold her so badly that my fists clench, fighting it. Lilly kisses her forehead before turning her tow
ards the trampoline. I watch her walk away then start to bounce. It takes a second for my brain to start functioning.
“That’s my daughter.” My blood starts to boil. She kept her from me.
“No, that’s my daughter.” She takes a step to the side, away from the other adults around us. I follow, standing at an angle so I can watch my kids.
“I can’t believe that you would keep my kid from me.” I look her over, the feeling of hate consuming me.
“You’re a piece of work, you know that? Your words were “get rid of it”, that you were getting married and having a baby with someone else.”
“What?”
“I read those words over and over a hundred fucking times, so don’t tell me that she’s yours.” She pokes my chest, getting in my space. “She is mine! I suffered from morning sickness alone. I went to my doctor’s appointments alone. I was in labor for forty-seven hours. Alone. And I have raised her alone.” She growls the last words. I have no idea what the fuck she is talking about.
“I never told you to get rid of my child, so don’t even try that shit with me.”
“Oh, yeah, you did, buddy. I even have a print out of the text messages. I kept them as a reminder to myself to never trust a man again.”
“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” I say, a sinking feeling taking over my body.
“The day I found out I was pregnant, I messaged you telling you we needed to talk. You said we had nothing to talk about. I told you I was having your child, and you told me to get rid of it.”
“Oh, fuck.” I rub my face, knowing this is all Jules. She did this; somehow, she did this. “It wasn’t me.” My voice is gruff to my own ears. For the first time in years, I want to cry like a little bitch. She’s watching me closely, her arms wrapped around her waist, her expression changing from anger to confusion and sadness. “What’s her name?” I ask, looking at my daughter, who is now talking to Jax. He grabs her hands, bouncing with her.
Until Lilly Page 2
